Today, my flatmate was listening to opera on full volume all... - FML

By noname - 29/12/2009 06:09 - France

Today, my flatmate was listening to opera on full volume all afternoon and now he's playing James Bond on the trumpet. FML

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Rock, hard place

Oh, hai!

You snooze, you lose

By Anonymous - 7/1/2018 01:30

Oh no.

Today, while cleaning out my daughter's closet, I found my missing dildo. It's a mold of my husband's penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2012 17:37 - Australia - Engadine

Today, some kid decided to pee in the kids' play area at work. Because I was the shortest employee working at the time, I got to climb through the area to mop it up, while all the kids pointed and laughed at me. FML

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By what - 25/9/2013 14:42 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I asked my boyfriend about his views on personal growth. He replied, "What, you mean dick size?" FML

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By anonymous - 18/12/2019 20:00 - United States - San Angelo

Fast food dinner

Today, I called my husband and asked him what he wanted from our favorite fast food place. A divorce. FML

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By loser weeper - 26/11/2018 21:00 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, after looking for my phone for three weeks, I used find my iPhone to track it to my sister-in-law's house. Her response? "Finders keepers, losers weepers." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2015 09:52 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mom got drunk and started crying at my after-wedding party, after promising she'd behave herself. She thinks my husband is an awful person who'll drag me into a life of sin, all because he has a tattoo and an ear piercing. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2012 18:50 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, as I pulled to a halt at a stop sign, a cyclist ripped through the air, slammed straight into my fender, and almost launched over my car. I ended up being cited for reckless driving. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2014 01:16 - United States - Newton Center

Today, my 5-year-old son thought it'd be a good idea to pee into the heat vent in the hallway of our apartment building. The whole building now smells like urine. The landlord is a 6-foot ex-convict. He wants answers. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2012 11:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend learned that calling someone a "stupid bitch" under your breath while staring right at them from six feet away works very differently in my house than at hers. She also learned my sister has one hell of a punch. FML

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By pleasestop - 11/6/2011 08:48 - Australia

Today, I woke up with bowel problems which have been causing me to violently pass wind every couple of minutes. I have to spend the next two hours sitting an exam in dead silence. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 14:03 - United States

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach it. She stopped and congratulated it, and I took the chance to move it to the other room to prevent further distraction. She got mad and wouldn't let me back in bed because I just "untrained it." FML

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By NotFunny - 24/9/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, I missed my bus by a minute. I called up my step dad asking him if he can drive me because I had a test first period. After about calling him twenty times, and him not picking up, I see him drive by the bus stop pointing at me and laughing hysterically. FML

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By workworkwork - 27/5/2017 20:00

Today, my boss asked me to pick up more waitressing shifts because we are short-staffed. I already work seven days a week. FML

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By apparentlyweird - 28/8/2018 22:00

Haters Gonna Hate

Today, my dad's new girlfriend's daughter came over with them. She had a tantrum because my brand new computer, which I worked and saved for, was better than her notebook, which was bought for her. So what did she do? Oh, she threw it off my desk. For some reason I'm being yelled at. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2014 13:43 - Germany - Munich

Today, after finally finishing a huge internal rebranding project at work, which I've poured blood, sweat and tears into over the last 12 months, I found out we're being acquired by another company and that our new brand will no longer exist. FML

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By Mommy - 29/9/2010 22:47 - United States

Today, my daughter watched a potty training video on Sesame Street. In the middle of the video, she got up and ran to her potty to practice. She then announced, "All done!", and proudly closed the lid to her potty. She then immediately stood on top of it and peed. FML

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By notout - 17/10/2017 15:00

Today, my 28-year-old brother screamed at me and outed me to our very religious, homophobic parents because I wouldn't let him shock his friend with an electric dog collar. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2019 16:16 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, my coworker and I were discussing our office's lack of break room, and how we should suggest a picnic table for our upcoming landscaping. We concluded that someone would let their dog steal our lunches if we ate outside. Working at the vet's sucks. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2011 15:53 - United States

Today, campus security called me to let me know a lawnmower crashed into my car. Apparently the guy mowing the lawn lost control. My car wasn't parked by any grass. I need a new bumper. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 01:44 - United States

Today, while I was driving, a police officer jumped out from the sidewalk and into my lane. I slammed on the brakes so I wouldn't hit him. He then gave me a ticket for "obstructing traffic". FML

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By dammit - 9/6/2009 12:16 - United States

Today, my father's company shut down his branch, leaving him without a job. This is followed by a letter from my school's financial aid office, saying I'm not getting a penny because my family's income level is too high. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2013 06:03 - United States - Demorest

Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, and had to run to the bathroom to evacuate my bowels. She heard the horrible sounds, and I doubt I'll ever be able to seduce her again. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2010 06:38 - Iraq

Today, I had to pull guard duty. I had to guard the latrine because somebody likes to stuff whole toilet paper rolls in the toilet to clog it. Only six more months in Iraq. FML

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By Rawr - 30/12/2010 01:05 - United States

Today, I was really horny after some dirty texts from my boyfriend. Since everyone seemed to be sleeping, I closed my eyes and started to touch myself. I was really close to climaxing when I opened my eyes and made eye contact with my mother staring at me as I was masturbating. FML

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By - 5/2/2017 13:00 - United States - Modesto

Today, the moment after hitting "confirm payment" for my boyfriend's valentine gift (along with some sexy lingerie for the occasion) on a shopping app, my period tracker app popped up to let me know I'll be well into my period on the 14th. I'm getting cockblocked by mother nature herself. FML

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By mazzer - 4/1/2012 02:04 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad had a day off and was 'bored' so he decided to move our entire kitchen into our living room. We now have no running water, no oven that works and the entire house is a bombsite. He has an entire week off. FML

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By AnonymousCow - 20/9/2016 13:04 - Australia - Perth

Today, I told my daughter that she wasn't allowed to eat in her room, so she sat at the table and glared at me for 10 minutes while she ate. She's 15. FML

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By meesmees - 23/11/2013 10:48 - United States - Severna Park

Today, I ended up talking to a homeless man and bought him a meal. In return, he hugged me and groped my ass. FML

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By Hank-T4 - 11/10/2015 11:45 - Australia - Truganina

Today, while looking through my son's browser history, I found a Google search for "stop looking in my history u nosey cunt". I swore last week that I don't invade his privacy, so I can't even punish him for the bad language without looking like a lying bastard. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2009 13:03 - New Zealand

Today, I decided I had gathered enough solid evidence to justify dumping my cheating girlfriend. When I turned up, she broke up with me before I had a chance to confront her. Why? Apparently I have trust issues. FML

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By chrisinator - 11/10/2016 04:21 - United States - Woodside

Today, I turned on my furnace when I got home from work for the first time this season. Only problem? Cats. Our kitten Norman has never heard a furnace in his life and Noel has just forgotten what a furnace sounds like. Both cats are terrified and won't stop yelping. I just want to sleep. FML

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By justanaccount - 27/2/2009 19:35 - Spain

Today, to ask a boy I really liked to my school's turnabout dance, I gave him a box full of 10 cupcakes that spelled out T-U-R-N-A-B-O-U-T-?. The boy gave the box back a little later. There were two cupcakes left inside. It said N-O. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 14:00

Big up retail workers

Today, an old guy got nose to nose with me, threatened me, and spit in my face, just because I politely reminded him he needed to be wearing a mask. He had been coughing on multiple food items in my store. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2012 16:44 - United States

Today, over a family dinner, my husband and I told everyone that I'm pregnant. My father frowned and said, "Again?", my 9-year-old daughter started crying, and her brother smirked and yelled, "Up the ass, no babies!" FML

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By lifeguardfuckup - 14/2/2019 15:17 - United States

Today, while lifeguarding, I received six prank phone calls on the official pool phone. When it rang again, I picked it up, told them to go fuck themselves, hung up, and then left the phone off the hook. A second later, my cellphone rang. It was my boss, telling me to get a sense of humor. FML

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By fuck you, dad - 27/9/2012 18:36 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant with my family. My dad had drained most of our bottle of wine, so thinking he'd be a little less uptight than usual, I reached over to pour myself some. He swatted my hand away and started yelling at me for being a "degenerate drunk". FML

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By Tanner - 7/4/2012 02:26 - United States - Salem

Today, I woke up super glued to the toilet. FML

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By TriangularBanana - 10/12/2016 22:50 - United States - Houston

Today, I babysat my little cousin. He thought that a glue stick would have the same effect as chapstick. FML

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By iamgermantoo - 21/2/2017 15:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I contacted my landlady to tell her that I approved of the girl she recommended for a sublet. She then told me she thinks this girl is a neo-Nazi. Why? The e-mails she sent to the girl were rejected as spam. Apparently, this and being German qualifies you to be a neo-Nazi. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2019 18:00

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend. She dumped me because she was moving to Wyoming. I guess Wyoming is code for my friend's apartment. FML

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Top comments

By yoursavinggrace | 0

#6119 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 1:19

Pft, I wish I could play James Bond on the trumpet.

By Eir_fml | 1

#3303 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 11:11

I agree with 2 and 3, that sounds pretty cool.

Comments

By greenman_fml | 0

#307 - Thursday 5 February 2009 17:29

piss in his trumpet to teach him a lesson

Reply

M0rt | 0

#2742595 - Thursday 23 June 2011 16:10

Why would you ever do something like that to a poor trumpet. Piss in the guys mouth instead

By Eir_fml | 1

#3303 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 11:11

I agree with 2 and 3, that sounds pretty cool.

By yoursavinggrace | 0

#6119 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 1:19

Pft, I wish I could play James Bond on the trumpet.

By Sgt_Schadenfreud | 0

#25434 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 0:47

I love this man already

By juicebahx | 0

#41013 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 22:18

Your flatmate sounds BA.

By lilymoose | 0

#43001 - Thursday 19 March 2009 18:32

I love this guy. lol. you're crazy. james bond is amazing.

By Sa_Ku | 0

#43727 - Thursday 19 March 2009 23:49

It can be annoying if its an every day must do.

By Fields4mint | 0

#75751 - Thursday 2 April 2009 0:45

Have you considered asking him to turn it down?

By MukyDaCookie | 0

#85127 - Sunday 5 April 2009 23:12

Wow, I would kick his ass. Opera? Fine if you like, but don't force it on me. I won't force my old school rap on you.
Pleae don't start a rant about rap here, PLEASE. I realise that alot of people will diss it and I am expecting 100+ emails tonight complaining about it.

By mjane | 0

#85615 - Monday 6 April 2009 2:01

haha this guy thinks people care that he likes old school rap