Miscellaneous: Today, my flatmate was listening to opera on full volume all... - FML

By noname - France

Today, my flatmate was listening to opera on full volume all afternoon and now he's playing James Bond on the trumpet. FML

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Triage

And today, on Dr Phil…

Trip Advisor says no

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a drive with my girlfriend when we went past a 'Dead End' sign. She pointed to it and said it was "Foreshadowing our relationship". FML

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By ~Mr.Void - United States

Today, my friends and I got front stage tickets to our favorite band. Being my first concert, we planned to start a small mosh pit in the back. I got knocked out by my bestfriends elbow and was rushed to the hospital, during the first song. FML

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By

Very frustrating

Today my Assistant Manager decided to pull a prank on me by walking up behind me and screaming my name. I screamed in terror and then swung around and punched him full force dead center in the chest right in front of my supervisor, manager, and several other employees. FML

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By retailshell - Australia - Perth

Today, I was ringing up a woman at work. I saw she'd bought a birthday cake, so I smiled and said I hope whoever it was for has a happy birthday. She looked at me in disgust, told me to mind my own business, then called me a "chucklefuck bitch". Okay then. FML

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By not saying it was whores, but... - United States

Today, I accidentally belched at the dinner table. At age 22, I got sent to my room with no dessert by my parents. FML

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By ;_;" - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I went to a really important job interview. During it, I accidentally let out a burp, came down with nervous hiccups, and when I tried to quietly ease out some painful gas that was building up, it came out as a massive, rancid fart. I'll definitely be unemployed for a while yet. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my son sprayed our white couch with Febreze. This would have been great, were the "Febreze" not actually black spray paint. FML

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By skipperpop - United States - Ames

Today, after work, I was saying goodbye to my last remaining friend I worked with because she was going to be leaving for college. My manager saw me talking and made me clock back in and work because "If you have time to talk, you have time to work." FML.

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By Loser - Canada

Today, I decided to modify my resume since I've handed out over 30 of them in the past couple of weeks and I haven't gotten any calls back. As soon as I opened it on word document, I noticed that I had forgotten to include my phone number for employers to contact me. FML

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By juli - Taiwan

Today, while I was driving my 27 year old boyfriend 8 hours to a Pokémon event, he realized he didn't bring his DS with him. He cried about it. FML

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By gracelynn980765

Today, it was the third time in a row someone has lost a boner inside of me. FML

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By Ash - 13/12/2020 07:02 - United Kingdom

Sex ban

Today, my girlfriend got mad at me because I failed to notice I’ve been on a sex ban as punishment for upsetting her mother 3 weeks ago. Three weeks isn’t even our longest no sex period; we’ve gone months without sex before for no good reason, so is it any wonder I didn’t notice after only 3 weeks? FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I passed my driver's test. My instructor took the learner signs off his car and let me drive back to my place. I guess he didn't bet on me crashing the car just a few blocks from the test center. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got pulled over and ticketed while taking cookies to the local police station. FML

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By Don't text and work - France

Today, at work I got told off by my manager for texting while working. Enraged by this, I trash talked her to the new girl at work. The new girl, a.k.a. my manager's daughter. FML

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By single - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. He got on the bed on all fours and crawled towards me, saying "My precious... my precious" in Gollum's voice. FML

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By Picky

Today, I woke up to my younger brother picking his nose with my fingers. His explanation? "You were sleeping." FML

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By pierced - United States - Marble Falls

Today, I have an infected piercing because I'm allergic to the metal. My ear is so swollen that I can't remove the jewelry. It won't get better until I'm able to remove the jewelry. FML

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By Nikki - United States

Today, I was baby sitting my little cousin when we decided to go outside and have a "treasure hunt" in the backyard. The first thing we found? The bones of her pet dog that had passed away four years ago. FML

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By bruised - United States - Jacksonville Beach

Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML

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By squizzlebee - United Kingdom - York

Today, I saw on Facebook that a friend left her job where I also used to work, as she posted a picture of her farewell gifts, including cards, balloons and cookies. Normally, I'd be happy for her, except when I left I was told they'd "stopped doing farewell presents", and as such, I'd got nothing. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, desperate for work, I went into a shop and asked the owner if he had any spare jobs to fill. He looked me up and down and sneered "Yes, but not for people like... you." FML

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By BadBreath - United States

Today, I was having a horrible day. I was laying on the couch, crying, when my dog came up on the couch to console me. I was thinking about how great it was to have a dog, because they're there for you when no one else is. As I was sobbing, I heard something. My dog farted into my mouth. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, I spent over an hour shovelling the walkway and driveway, snow blowing in my face and down my coat. When I was finally finished, a guy started going through the neighborhood plowing everyone's driveways for them. FML

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By FML - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I had a rough day and was extremely tired. I took a nap on the couch, and woke up to a guy robbing my house. I pretended I was still sleeping, waiting a chance to grab him or run out safely. I ended up falling back asleep. FML

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By anon

Today, I was working at the hospital and it was very busy. Unthinking, I told a patient in a wheelchair to "sit tight" while I checked on something. He mocked me for the rest of his stay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, I was disciplined by my boss for "not smiling enough." I'm a dishwasher. FML

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By quickfingers100 - United Kingdom

Today, my Dad married his fiancée, who insists I call her "mom". I'm three years older than her, and went to the same high school. She's taking me shopping next week to buy me something "nice". FML

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By Anonymous - Austria

Today, I was outside searching for "treasures" with my son using small plastic shovels. All of a sudden he starts screaming. He dug up the bones of our old dog. I told him that we had sent him away to live on a farm, I even helped my son write letters to the farm owners. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date, the first one I've been on since my last boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago. We were in a restaurant, and at the end of meal he insisted on paying the bill. He wanted to leave a 15% tip but couldn't work out in his head how much to leave. The bill was for £100. FML

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By hendrixisgod86 - United States - Crestview

Today, some genius shot through a red light, hitting my car and nearly killing me. When I went to ask if he was okay, the first words out of his mouth were "I hope you have insurance". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss captured a huge spider and put it in a jar on the desk in our shop. He's named it Fluffy and is threatening to fire me if I harm it. I'm horribly arachnophobic and we share that desk. FML

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By kattydoo07 - United States

Catch 22

Today, I found out I have a restraining order against me from my ex boyfriend. Apparently, I drive by his house too much and it is considered stalking. He forgot that I live 2 houses down, and MUST drive by his house to get home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on a dating site, I was matched with my brother, again. FML

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By Grant Williams

Today, while mildly tipsy, I threw myself onto my bed at a weird angle and somehow managed to somersault off my bed and land in my clothes hamper. FML

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By LondonTor - this FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Christmas is dangerous

Today, I was moving my sofa to make space for the Christmas tree and the sofa slipped on the wooden floor, thus flipping my right big toenail up 90° so it is now only connected at the cuticle. FML

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By alternativefacts

Today, I confronted my neighbor because he'd been telling my kids that global warming was a myth. He responded with, "Whine all you want, but the swamp is draining and your bullshit liberal narrative is finally going down." He then dumped his trash on my lawn and retreated to his house. FML

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By amy

Today, I had a dream about sleeping, which is a dream I have frequently. I’m exhausted even when I sleep. FML

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By EpicFail - United States

Today, in class, I volunteered to read a poem out loud. I accidentally said "circumcised" instead of "circumscribed". I don't think I"ll be volunteering to read anything more. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2020 17:00

Furry

Today, my boss fired me because someone hacked our website and replaced pictures of our products with furry porn (don’t Google it, it’s weird as fuck). We don’t have an IT department, but since I spend the most time on the computer controlling stock and purchases, he blamed me instead. FML

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Top comments

By yoursavinggrace | 0

#6119 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 1:19

Pft, I wish I could play James Bond on the trumpet.

By Eir_fml | 1

#3303 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 11:11

I agree with 2 and 3, that sounds pretty cool.

COMMENTS

By greenman_fml | 0

#307 - Thursday 5 February 2009 17:29

piss in his trumpet to teach him a lesson

Reply

M0rt | 0

#2742595 - Thursday 23 June 2011 16:10

Why would you ever do something like that to a poor trumpet. Piss in the guys mouth instead

By Eir_fml | 1

#3303 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 11:11

I agree with 2 and 3, that sounds pretty cool.

By yoursavinggrace | 0

#6119 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 1:19

Pft, I wish I could play James Bond on the trumpet.

By Sgt_Schadenfreud | 0

#25434 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 0:47

I love this man already

By juicebahx | 0

#41013 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 22:18

Your flatmate sounds BA.

By lilymoose | 0

#43001 - Thursday 19 March 2009 18:32

I love this guy. lol. you're crazy. james bond is amazing.

By Sa_Ku | 0

#43727 - Thursday 19 March 2009 23:49

It can be annoying if its an every day must do.

By Fields4mint | 0

#75751 - Thursday 2 April 2009 0:45

Have you considered asking him to turn it down?

By MukyDaCookie | 0

#85127 - Sunday 5 April 2009 23:12

Wow, I would kick his ass. Opera? Fine if you like, but don't force it on me. I won't force my old school rap on you.
Pleae don't start a rant about rap here, PLEASE. I realise that alot of people will diss it and I am expecting 100+ emails tonight complaining about it.

By mjane | 0

#85615 - Monday 6 April 2009 2:01

haha this guy thinks people care that he likes old school rap