Love: Today, my fiancé paid a visit to my parents so he could ask my...

By Gracie-Ann - 01/07/2013 06:38 - United States - Portland

Today, my fiancé paid a visit to my parents so he could ask my dad's permission to marry me. My dad responded with, "Why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 610

You deserved it 4 799

Love

Vulture

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Good kid

By Anonymous - 19/10/2014 01:23 - United States - South Salem

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but I was so nervous that I had a panic attack, fainted and split my head open. My girlfriend then fainted at the sight of the blood. An onlooker had to call an ambulance for both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 219

You deserved it 4 116

Miracles

By smyp - 24/12/2015 17:34 - Lithuania

Today, my wife and I decided to celebrate Christmas Eve with her side of the family. When we arrived at her parents' house, I heard her mother say that Christmas miracles don't exist since my wife brought me along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 167

You deserved it 1 593

Nightmare mother

By scared shirtless - 18/03/2021 20:01

Today, for the fifth time in a row, I woke up screaming from a nightmare. My mother burst into my room, leaned in real close and said, "So help me god, if you do not stop fucking screaming, I will rip your arms off and beat you with them." I’m never sleeping again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 024

You deserved it 190

By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 22:23 - United States

Today, my mother took a bunch of sleeping pills, then went driving. I followed her and dialed 911. Now she thinks that I was "trying to get her arrested," and she refuses to talk to me ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 077

You deserved it 4 836

By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 06:32 - Canada

Today, I went to my husband's work to give him lunch. His assistant told me his "wife" was in his office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 794

You deserved it 3 027

By Anonymous - 25/02/2017 21:45 - Canada

Today, I had to explain to a customer that she can't use the bathroom while going through the drive-thru. I still don't understand what exactly she had in mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 742

You deserved it 420

By thanatophobia - 15/03/2010 00:20 - France

Today, my deranged co-worker sent me a text message containing a picture that she just took of her uncle. It was his funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 956

You deserved it 2 002

By Amberizzle - 26/09/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, it is my three-year-anniversary with my boyfriend. I asked if he had planned anything for us, and he said yes. My parents volunteered to watch our daughter, I got all excited, and apparently our "plans" are to watch a football game. What do I get to do? Make sandwiches. For him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 754

You deserved it 8 530

By Anonymous - 12/11/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother cheated on my father. It turns out she had a drunken one night stand with the manager of the restaurant that my parents own and that I work at. The same manager I have been secretly sleeping with for over six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 622

You deserved it 10 372

By working_as_usual - 08/10/2012 00:09 - United States - Valencia

Today, I was telling my co-workers about how I'd gotten tickets to a concert in a few days. My boss overheard. Later, he told me I now have to work on the night of the concert. However, he was kind enough to offer to buy the tickets off me for half of what I'd paid for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 501

You deserved it 2 592

By Anonymous - 28/09/2013 04:02 - United States - Escalon

Today, my insane war veteran great-uncle punched me in the throat for not laughing hard enough at his stupid joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 540

You deserved it 4 946

By prostitott - 04/05/2013 07:22

Today, I caught my 14-year-old daughter stealing alcohol from me. After berating her for half-an-hour I finally said, "At least you're not doing drugs." She gave me a guilty smile and sheepishly said, "At least I'm not a prostitute?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 422

You deserved it 15 346

By slickrick22 - 27/02/2012 02:43 - United States

Today, I had a dream about the damn cappuccino machine at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 528

You deserved it 3 913

Make your mind up

By Jason Brazil - 13/08/2019 14:00

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because I'm unproductive, and haven't been doing anything. He doesn't tell me what to do, and expects me to read his mind. When I ask him what he wants me to do, he gets pissed and says that I should already know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 783

You deserved it 415

By Thanks - 27/11/2009 23:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my daughter to the zoo. I threw a piece of my sandwich towards a very cute chimpanzee. As a thank you, he threw a piece of crap at me, which exploded all over my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 302

You deserved it 49 409

By MrGullible - 17/04/2019 00:00

Today, I found out that not only did I pay for my wife to travel overseas to see her brother but to bang some guy half her age as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 292

You deserved it 178

By howprofessional - 06/09/2013 21:23 - United States - Dearborn

Today, at a job interview, I was asked what I thought of twerking. It was a bizarre question, but trying to get on the interviewer's good side, I said I thought it was pretty cool. He snorted and said I'll be job-seeking for a while yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 872

You deserved it 47 094

By Florida_1827 - 28/01/2011 10:54 - United States

Today, I received the 'special' present my mother had sent me for my 21st birthday. I opened the box and saw that my mother had picked out, accessorized and shipped to me, in college, a doll. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 792

You deserved it 4 509

By fuundmental/// - 09/04/2011 05:46 - Australia

Today, I was looking in my grandparents' drawers and cupboards to find a blanket, but instead found a stash of sex toys, and a male G-string with a horse on the front. The best bit? When you press the horse's nose, it neighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 552

You deserved it 9 938

Thanks, Shep

By Anonymous - 24/04/2021 14:01

Today, I'm recovering from a fall down the basement steps. I was carrying a casserole down to the fridge we have in the basement. I tripped, crashed at the bottom and broke my arm. Our dog came running down to investigate, completely ignored me, and just started eating the casserole off the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 025

You deserved it 122

My boobs don't lie

By Anonymous - 22/07/2021 22:01 - Germany - Zittau

Today, I got a fancy new bra made of organic cotton. Or, well, the outside of it is. The inside, which actually touches my skin, is made of 100% polyester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 806

You deserved it 147

By Random - 31/01/2012 14:41 - United States

Today, I found out my little sister is marrying my ex, and that my mother set them up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 733

You deserved it 3 287

Glassed

By Rick - 01/07/2011 08:31 - United States

Today, the driver's side window of my car was busted, and inside was a note that said, "Sorry, thought this was my car." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 596

You deserved it 2 493

By J - 07/02/2009 21:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I went looking for a childhood doll - I remembered that my mum kept her in her bedside cabinet. I could see the doll at the back, but there was stuff in the way, so I reached in and took some of it out, only to find I was holding one of my mum's toys... a big black rubber cock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 068

You deserved it 6 856

By Redhead4life - 18/03/2012 00:48 - United States - Miami

Today, a little girl looked at me and yelled "Mommy look, there's a real leprechaun!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 820

You deserved it 2 860

By AmericanAlien - 09/03/2014 02:15 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I've been waiting for a very important document in the mail. It has been two months. I reviewed my application and realized I forgot to put a mailing address down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 885

You deserved it 20 039

By disappointmentafter4years - 12/04/2016 19:31 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, after 4 years of staring each other down at the bar, we both finally made a move and ended up at his apartment. After 45 mins of unsuccessfully getting anywhere, I left, to walk home in a hail storm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 272

You deserved it 3 704

By Anonymous - 27/05/2013 23:34 - United States - Brimfield

Today, I got to wash my ex-wife's dishes at her apartment while her new boyfriend played with my daughter in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 945

You deserved it 12 790

By Alexander - 30/05/2010 16:53 - Russian Federation

Today, I found that my cats somehow managed to pull the plug of my fridge out of the socket. Several days ago. Now I have to get rid of a ton of stinking food and clean the stinking fridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 670

You deserved it 7 321

Happy Birthday

By Anonymous - 24/05/2021 08:01 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, it's my birthday. My boss's birthday is 5 days away. Instead of wishing me happy birthday, the staff decided to surprise my boss with an early gift. We also had to take a picture of him with everyone. I work at another branch alone, and had to post the picture to social media. Happy Birthday to me, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 840

You deserved it 80

By kilamo80 - 27/07/2013 09:26 - United States - Clarkston

Today, I found out why we've had to replace 3 washing machines this year. My sister thinks that "huge capacity" means "load the washing machine until no more clothes will fit." It blows the motor every time. She's 31. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 394

You deserved it 4 144

By Anonymous - 29/08/2009 04:10 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower outside at my fiancé's beach house. I was struggling to take my bikini bottoms off so I started to walk backwards to step out of it. Little did I know that I had pushed the door open. My fiancé, his family, and my family all saw me bend over naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 463

You deserved it 8 573

By Anonymous - 23/08/2017 23:15

Today, I had money set out to pay bills, for a gift, and to put in a card as my cousin's wedding gift. I was rushing and not paying attention and ended up putting all of the money in the wedding card. $400 from one person. I guess I'll have no cable or cell phone this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 988

You deserved it 2 834

By Anonymous - 07/10/2015 13:45 - Belgium - Herenthout

Today, I told one of my classmates for the third time that I'm not into guys and wasn't interested in going on a date with him. He just looked at me blankly and said "So I'll pick you up at 9?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 266

You deserved it 2 174

Make it stop

By Anonymous - 10/01/2016 13:17 - United States - Waldorf

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors. They have a four-month-old child and appear to be firm believers in the "let them cry it out" philosophy. The baby's room is right above mine. A few days of trying to sleep through this shit and I'll look like a Walking Dead extra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 447

You deserved it 1 559

By MissYouPieceOfSkin - 27/11/2013 08:44 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I had a nightmare in which I was haunted by the ghost of my foreskin. I then spent the whole day moping around, wondering what my life would've been like if my parents hadn't opted to slice it off. Will I see you in heaven, long-lost ghostly foreskin? FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 844

You deserved it 16 634

By hurtsmyears - 07/11/2011 01:23 - United States

Today, I had to endure yet another evening of the old man in the apartment above me screaming, "No, I don't want to shave my nose hair, you crazy bitch." He lives alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 255

You deserved it 2 351

By hipthrustdude - 18/05/2009 12:04 - Malaysia

Today, I got really excited at work over a deal I was about to close. I got up and started performing a rather obscene hip thrust only to notice a client sitting in the glass meeting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 404

You deserved it 54 301

By Anonymous - 15/08/2014 15:22 - China - Shanghai

Today, my husband wanted me to take a sleeping pill before having sex with me. Apparently I'm better in bed while half-asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 083

You deserved it 6 454

Creepy

By lilmatchgirl - 04/05/2021 00:59 - United States - Godley

Today, during a Zoom meeting, my 6 year-old daughter comes into my office, bloody all over, acting like nothing's wrong. She looks me dead in the eye and says, "Matilda's dead," and just walks out. Matilda is the neighbor's chicken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 314

You deserved it 119

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Top comments

ItsAnanya 25

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:12

Should've asked your mum ," why did you buy the pig if you could get the sausage for free?" Congratulations on the engagement though ^~^

perdix 29

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:17

#7, it was a barnyard reference. The dad was horsing around by being a pig. Hopefully, the OP ducked the question and won't chicken out on the proposal -- that'd be bull! See how that works? Now, you give it a try. . .

little_one 20

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:07

Your dad sounds like an "ass"

Queensland 27

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:11

I don't get it.

Ian7890 23

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:14

I think they were referring to a donkey... but that still has nothing to do with this.

hannaaaahr 33

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:16

I'm sorry to break it to you, but donkeys and cows are two different animals.

perdix 29

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:17

Enslaved 36

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:24

Because the bull is horny!

Queensland 27

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:36

I got the donkey reference, but I didn't get the barnyard one #15. I am a silly goose. :)

queendeadjesters 2

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Monday 1 July 2013 17:34

It's just a joke lol.

phantumgrey 6

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Monday 1 July 2013 18:07

Dad has some sound advice

finnrambo 13

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Monday 1 July 2013 20:30

you have a disturbing picture 44

stanjohnson 11

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:08

Hopefully he was joking. Crude and off the mark if he was, but hopefully.

lopsop 12

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:31

No I'm pretty sure he actually wants his daughter to be a whoreable person.

archnarquibquib 21

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Tuesday 2 July 2013 4:49

#22- I don't always want milk, but when I do, I get it for free.

MsConfusedd 27

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:09

Well that's a nasty metaphor.

Damian95 16

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Monday 1 July 2013 17:02

That's cruel but playful fathers for you!

lennelleong 33

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:09

Wonder if that's what OP's granddaddy said to your dad long ago. Sorry OP!

olpally 32

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:10

Horrible joke and horrible thing to say. Parents are so cruel on here. Good luck op.

mrs_bruno_mars 14

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Monday 1 July 2013 17:12

They may be cruel, but they make such great stories.

ItsAnanya 25

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:12

Should've asked your mum ," why did you buy the pig if you could get the sausage for free?" Congratulations on the engagement though ^~^

omgthisisgay 10

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:36

I would see that as more of an attack on the dad. Kind of like when baby mommas tell their kids "daddy is a jerk."

4everbymyself 12

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Wednesday 3 July 2013 10:15

"because i would love to start a farm with her" Thats the most badass and corny response i can think of lol

ManInTheMachine 19

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:13

What an udderly heartless and insensitive thing to say! If your dad was calf the man that he should be, he would've either let him down cheesy or given him his blessing. I think you should have a long talk with your dad about this, but try not to (milk)shake things up too much.

p36288 17

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:13

kind of exam for him?

ApollosMyth 22

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:55

...How?

perdix 29

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:14

He's just trying to weasel out of the tradition of paying for the wedding. (Play your cards right and he'll buy you a new car if you promise to elope with "the cow.")

ManInTheMachine 19

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:15

*Pssst!* Perdix, OP IS the cow.

perdix 29

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Monday 1 July 2013 16:20

#13, OK, I meant the fiance ought to extract a sizable bribe from the father to get him out of the expense and the hassle of putting on a big wedding.