Miscellaneous: Today, my daughter and I went to the mall. While we were looking...

By gloomy - 15/08/2017 20:00

Today, my daughter and I went to the mall. While we were looking for clothes, she walked away from me and touched a man on the arm and smiled and said "Hi!" The man freaked out and screamed at me for letting that "thing" in public and to "wear a condom next time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 682

You deserved it 766

Miscellaneous

You tried

"Tubular Bells" starts playing…

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By cabatt - 13/01/2019 04:00

Today, I'm a chef and I had a new set of knives delivered. My boss says to me, ''Be careful with your new knives, they're going to be sharp. You don't want to cut your nail off.'' Not 2 minutes later I chop my whole nail off my right index. He jinxed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 171

You deserved it 935

By Username - 05/08/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, even though I made the point of tanning naked, I still got tan lines thanks to my fat rolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 044

You deserved it 45 347

By grapes - 15/11/2015 22:12 - United States - Westfield

Today, I asked my dad for help on some homework I didn't fully understand. He walked away and came back with a huge bowl of grapes and said, "Here's your brain food." Then he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 236

You deserved it 1 880

By Anonymous - 19/11/2015 09:46 - United States - Chippewa Falls

Today, I was assigned to a group of four to brainstorm ideas for a project. One by one they listed their ideas, but when it was my turn they skipped me. They suddenly started a casual conversation with each other, oblivious of my existence, while I sat quietly between them for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 969

You deserved it 3 934

By salad - 28/04/2014 15:38 - United States - North Charleston

Today, I took my girlfriend out for lunch, and I asked her if I could have a bite of her meal. She took it to mean I was calling her fat, and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 839

You deserved it 5 303

By guessthatsatrickthen - 31/10/2015 17:19 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 089

You deserved it 1 950

By IStillHaveMy8hrShiftToGo - 11/03/2014 13:01 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I came in to work early at a restaurant to help out. I stocked, baked pies for the next day, cleaned and set over 50 tables, and vacuumed the entire two stories. When I went to send an order for the first customer of mine, I realized I hadn't even clocked on. Four ½ hours of work wasted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 314

You deserved it 10 708

By RIP - 18/06/2016 23:17 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my girlfriend and I found out that if I'm tickled it causes me to have a panic attack until I cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 661

You deserved it 1 208

By Anonymous - 22/01/2011 20:20 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me to pick her up from jail. She'd been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 807

You deserved it 4 373

By automaticfail_00 - 17/06/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my best friend who lives out of town. He was strangely quiet. Later that day I asked him why he didn't talk much. He admitted he was jacking off to the sound of my voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 938

You deserved it 5 033

By chickenlover - 27/08/2009 20:53 - United States

Today, I was driving past a farm that always has 4 chickens walking around outside. It always cheers me up to see them, but I couldn't find them. I wasn't watching the road so I didn't see when I ran over all 4 chickens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 737

You deserved it 54 615

By hahahano - 24/12/2010 22:32 - United States

Today, I was running late and rushing to a waiting bus. I made it to the doors just as they closed. I knocked desperately, hoping the driver would let me in. He hovered his hand over the button for a few seconds, then flipped me off and drove away laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 885

You deserved it 3 820

By en3rg1zer21 - 06/08/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I was peeing, and I sneezed. I looked down to see that my gum had flown out of my mouth and gotten caught in my pubes. On the upside I got a new look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 378

You deserved it 9 508

By Anonymous - 09/05/2009 20:38 - United States

Today, I texted everyone in my phone to remind them mother's day is tomorrow. Everyone including the boy whose mom died last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 902

You deserved it 81 480

Dumb question

By Anonymous - 12/05/2020 14:00

Today, “Who decided that?” was apparently not the correct thing to reply to a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 558

You deserved it 1 789

By koalaburr - 28/04/2015 15:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I dressed up sexy to cheer up my boyfriend after a bad day at work. Instead of being cheered up, he accused me of dressing up that way for the male DJs at the radio station where I work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 098

You deserved it 3 194

Off to a good start!

By lovergirl - 27/07/2017 12:00 - United States - Orem

Today, I received an email from a potential employer with an awesome job opportunity. I was so excited, I immediately went to forward the email to my husband. My email included a lot of "I love you" and "we are going to celebrate tonight ;)". In my excitement, I hit reply instead of forward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 935

You deserved it 1 922

You sure it was your birthday?

By Anonymous - 04/02/2021 04:53

Today, it was my birthday. My partner of 9 years, and father of my two children, bought me a set of headphones for him to use on the treadmill. Didn’t wrap them, didn’t say happy birthday to me, didn’t tell my kids it was my birthday and worked on the yard all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 059

You deserved it 125

By Anonymous - 30/07/2011 04:35 - United States

Today, I realized the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because he has a pimple fetish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 618

You deserved it 5 259

By BLAH - 14/02/2012 14:42 - Philippines

Today, after finally returning to my house after over a year overseas, I found that my neighbours built a wall covering the only window in my bedroom. Not only is my room eternally musty and pitch black, but the council won't accept my complaint, because apparently my window was illegally built. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 557

You deserved it 2 333

By iFail - 29/01/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, a guy sitting next to me in class asked me for a pen. I accidentally handed him a tampon instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 720

You deserved it 8 916

By Baskets-Tailleur - 07/07/2014 06:58 - France

Today, as I was putting on sports shoes to get to a job interview in a hurry, a man ran past me and grabbed my formal shoes while shouting, "Ninja!" Try explaining to the guy at the interview why I was wearing sneakers with a skirt suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 429

You deserved it 4 875

By Maddie - 20/06/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend uses me for two things. 1) My food. 2) My sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 849

You deserved it 5 614

By Anonymous - 02/08/2012 00:56 - United Kingdom - March

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me that she never takes dumps. I told her that as long as she eats, it's a biological impossibility, but she seems to have genuinely deluded herself into thinking it's true, purely because she is a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 061

You deserved it 3 281

Unreasonable

By Dano - 07/08/2021 10:01

Today, I was fired from my job for not buying a pack of cigarettes for my boss. I only lasted two months in that junkyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 64

By Anonymous - 17/07/2011 08:43 - United States

Today, I spotted my girlfriend in a store. She didn't notice me, so I went behind her, put my hands over her eyes, and said "Guess who." I got an elbow to the groin and mace to the face. While I was rolling on the ground in pain, she simply said, "Serves you right" and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 307

You deserved it 22 513

By Anonymous - 07/04/2018 15:00

Today, my girlfriend did the whole "break up with your boyfriend and kick him out of the house" thing from the movies. Except it's my house. She kept my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 256

You deserved it 610

You OK?

By Anonymous - 21/03/2021 11:01 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, while I was working in the drive-through at work, a lady was wearing kitchen oven-mitts and a snorkeling mask instead of gloves and a mask to pick up her prescription. FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 86

By kittydead - 29/01/2009 01:05 - Canada

Today, when I was at my girlfriend's house, I farted and blamed it on the cat. I forgot the cat died 2 weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 913

You deserved it 37 112

By Lmop68 - 27/05/2009 05:27 - Canada

Today, I saw my crush waving me over from the other end of the parking lot. I ran quickly to greet him, but in my excitement didn't take note of the giant Hummer backing out. I broke two ribs and all my crush was trying to do was warn me of the moving vehicle I was about to run into. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 979

You deserved it 17 306

By broke_broken - 11/10/2013 22:53 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, after paying back the money my grandma lent me to fix my car, I stepped outside, only to see my car leaking antifreeze all over the driveway. I had to ask for the money back to fix it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 158

You deserved it 3 883

By ciotter - 08/01/2011 08:57 - United States

Today, my cat sneezed directly into my open eyeball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 537

You deserved it 5 377

By Jim - 31/07/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, I went to the hospital for wrenching pains in my abdomen. It turns out I have the largest "non removable" kidney stone my doctor has ever seen. It's the size of a fucking walnut. I have to pass the thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 030

You deserved it 100

By Anonymous - 12/04/2018 15:00

Today, after 11 years together, including 8 years of engagement and 3.5 months of marriage, I found out he had sex with his ex-girlfriend on my birthday. He's now leaving me and our kids to be with her because she's his "soul mate". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 396

You deserved it 424

By Anonymous - 07/06/2015 04:21 - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, I lost my virginity. He then told me, in tears, how bad he felt about leaving his dog alone for the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 140

You deserved it 3 375

Stalker vibes

By Anonymous - 06/02/2021 02:01

Today, my ex-girlfriend got some new piercings and decided to show me. They are the exact same piercings that the girl I'm currently seeing has. I'm starting to think she's still keeping tabs on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 826

You deserved it 142

By Anonameow - 26/02/2016 00:31 - United States - Nanticoke

Today, I'm recovering from surgery. Every time I laugh, it hurts so badly I start to cry, which hurts even worse and makes it difficult to breathe. The painkillers I'm on make everything seem funny. I laughed so hard at a dumb pun that I nearly passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 289

You deserved it 1 496

By sarahmaxine - 09/05/2015 04:10 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my girlfriend came over to meet my parents. Everything was going fine until she said she owned a dog. My mom then immediately attempted to check her scalp for lice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 514

You deserved it 2 094

By Anon - 05/01/2012 02:21 - United States

Today, after months of dating, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to take things to the next level. He told me that he couldn't have sex with me because of his religious beliefs. I would've been fine with this if it weren't for the fact that I know he and his family are all atheists. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 337

You deserved it 4 632

By ProudMamma - 14/09/2016 01:50 - Canada - Oakville

Today, my ex came back into my life, professing his love and begging for another chance. This begging act ended rather suddenly once he remembered I have a daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 272

You deserved it 1 138

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Top comments

Glowworm56 25

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Tuesday 15 August 2017 20:12

"Well, I wish I could tell your father the same thing about you, sir, but I'm afraid I'm far too late!"

hunterseal 18

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Tuesday 15 August 2017 20:05

I'm assuming your daughter is a toddler, lol wtf is his problem? Obviously someone who isn't mentally all there. I've had children run and grab my ass and I won't be happy but I won't scream at them, the best thing you can do is just inform their parents

hunterseal 18

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Tuesday 15 August 2017 20:05

Hillyard 10

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Friday 1 September 2017 17:31

Absolutely.

Glowworm56 25

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Tuesday 15 August 2017 20:12

"Well, I wish I could tell your father the same thing about you, sir, but I'm afraid I'm far too late!"

Mungolikecandy 19

Tuesday 15 August 2017 20:19

I would say you met someone who suffers from a mental disorder. It may possibly be paedophobia.

MidnaLink 33

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Tuesday 15 August 2017 21:24

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Glowworm56 25

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Tuesday 15 August 2017 22:19

Paedophobia is the fear of children. Not to be confused with pedophilia which is a sexual attraction towards children.

MidnaLink 33

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Wednesday 16 August 2017 5:37

Wait, did it say phobia, or philia? I don't remember now, and I can't view the entire thing.

Nova Solarius 10

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Wednesday 16 August 2017 5:49

Phobia.

Mungolikecandy 19

Wednesday 16 August 2017 7:19

You said philia.

tarabella 7

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Tuesday 15 August 2017 22:18

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Watervixen 27

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Wednesday 16 August 2017 5:40

Even if this is true that comment (and your's) is rude and uncalled for.

Yummi_913 18

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Thursday 17 August 2017 19:54

The comment is only rude if you read it with the wrong attitude in mind. It's a valid question. People are often caught off guard by deformities. Not saying it's right or fair. It just happens. Some people are scared of, or defensive towards deformities. The guy was clearly being a dick regardless. Honestly, it's even worse if the kid is deformed because to me it shows that he may view people with deformities as animals or non-human creatures. If it was just an average looking kid, he likely just views kids as pests of some kind and has a rude personality on top of that.

Zanquis 22

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Tuesday 15 August 2017 22:32

I am curious on the follow up... If some would say that to my kid apologizies need to be made fast .. I wouldn't care who said it, they would not walk away without a apology.

Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 20

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Wednesday 16 August 2017 6:30

they'd drive away. In an ambulace car amiright?

Zanquis 22

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Wednesday 16 August 2017 9:36

Anyone diwnviting me is obviously supporting the guy who insulted OP's kid. And no I am not promoting violence, I give people ample time to apoligize. My wife on the otherhand I would probably have to bail out..

RichardPencil 30

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Tuesday 15 August 2017 23:12

Plot twist: The daughter is 26!

lamaitresse9 1

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Wednesday 16 August 2017 1:50

There is probably an integral part of the story missing, such as the child dumped a slushy all over his Tom Ford suit, thus ruining it; she startled him and he dropped his wife's make up haul etc. I'm not a kid fan, but people aren't horribly rude to people's faces for absolutely no reason whatsoever, especially when there is a child around!

BrotherPhil 33

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Thursday 17 August 2017 12:13

There are some dicks out there. Not many of them, thankfully, but enough that they feel it is appropriate for them to be dicks.

amarie2009 22

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Wednesday 16 August 2017 12:59

Now I am curieus, did you give birth to Gollum LOL!!!

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 16 August 2017 14:09

Maybe you shouldn’t be out shopping if you can’t “control your beast.”

Gemie_1172916684 1

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Wednesday 16 August 2017 14:57

In no situation is that ever ok to say. But OP, wish you would explain background or tell if it was just random.... sounds like you met a special kinda guy lol!