Today, my date asked me if I enjoyed golden showers. We were...

By CathyMary - United States - New York

Today, my date asked me if I enjoyed golden showers. We were in the middle of making out, and it was our first date, which I thought was going well. I guess when things seem too good to be true, they really are. FML

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1952

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The smell detective is on the case

Messed up

Parental guilt

By JoshWontonDo - United Kingdom - London

Today, I tried to charge my phone at school by removing the socket for the fan. All the computers in the room turned off. I accidentally removed the power cables for the computers and got suspended. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Tordesillas

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and heavy drinking. Apparently word travels quickly, because everyone now knows that I spent hours lying in an empty bathtub, rubbing shampoo over my body with the expectation that it'd increase my penis size. FML

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9001

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By fml9124

Does she really love me?

Today, my wife and I watch the Chargers play the Packers. Philip Rivers is the Chargers quarterback. Out of the blue, my wife says "Philip is a stupid name." My middle name is Philip. We have been married 32 years. FML

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1793

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I invited my girlfriend to go eat out, hoping to put her in a really romantic mood. She decided to tell her friend, who then invited herself and another couple along. I ended up being made fifth wheel, and had to sit alone at an adjacent table. FML

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44261

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By Potted - United States - Denton

Today, after my close friend had his baby, he told me that he was no longer going to be selling weed at his house. I was happy for him, because it's unsafe. Until I found out he was still selling at my house with the help of my roommates, without telling me. FML

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By grabber - United States

Today, I was riding up an escalator in the mall in uncomfortable high heels. While adjusting my bag I suddenly lost my balance and began flailing wildly. In desperation I hurled forward and ended up grabbing a teenage boy's buttocks and was promptly slapped by his girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2020 02:00

Deception

Today, I found out my roommate has been cheating me out of hundreds of dollars when I finally obtained records of the past year's electric bills, which are in her name. FML

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1677

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By Grad Student

Today, I found out that I have to take a weekly workshop outside of class time all semester, and it's only offered on the day I have the most work hours. I barely make ends meet as it is, but the professor said to figure it out or fail. FML

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4761

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working in a jail, I had to tell an inmate arrested for domestic violence that no, he could not use his phone call to call me at home. FML

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26948

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By Brooke - United States - Manteca

Today, my mother came back from her trip to Vegas. Her breasts were obviously 2 letter sizes larger. I asked if she got a boob job and she denied it, saying that it's against her religion. She's an atheist, and a liar. FML

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By acme - Israel

Today, I found out why it might be awkward to have your plumber and your least well-behaved dog share a name. Bad plumber. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I found out that my friend uses pictures of me to motivate her to work out. They are accompanied by sayings such as "you don't want to turn out like this." FML

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By lonelygirl - United States - Circleville

Today, I bought the only cat on Earth that doesn't like chasing after a laser dot. Goodbye, hours of sick, sick entertainment. FML

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15015

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By twitch01 - United States

Today, as a joke, my friends and I decided to put me in a dress and makeup, to creep out a friend. I'm a guy. I'm not sure which is worse, the fact that I so willingly volunteered to wear the dress and the makeup, or the fact that I thought it was comfy and made me look slim. FML

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14715

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By Miscellaneous - United Kingdom

Today, I went in for an interview with a firm where I'd done some interning before. After shaking hands with both the directors, I went to shake hands with one of the director's wives, who also works there. Turns out she was going for a hug and kiss on the cheek. I ended up kissing her on the lips. FML

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4788

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652

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By annoymous - Australia - Glenroy

Today, it was the first time I was meeting my guy's parents. Turns out he forgot it was his mum's birthday and I ended up having to meet his whole family. FML

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6576

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713

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By Faithy - United States

Today, I got flustered because my hair straightener wasn't working. It took me fifteen minutes to realize I hadn't turned it on. FML

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9709

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By no one - United States

You've got a friend

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I should be spending my birthday with my boyfriend of 8 months. Instead he's visiting his ex, who's pregnant with a baby that "may or may not be" his. FML.

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49028

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By laststand11 - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

It's all in the timing

Today, my mom used, "Happy Thanksgiving break" and, "We sold your car" in the same sentence. FML

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30950

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By keyshame - Australia - Leichhardt

Today, I took my car to be repaired. The mechanic put out his hand when he saw me, so I shook it. He just wanted my keys. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend ran off with my sister. FML

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2076

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205

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By thanks sis - 29/8/2020 10:52 - United States - Hesperia

On a leash

Today, my best friend and I were supposed to meet up at an outdoor beer garden. We’ve both had a hard time with quarantine, so it was a great escape. Instead, she kept me waiting for nearly two hours before I finally left. Her excuse? Her boyfriend, who she sees every day, really wanted to have sex. FML

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1609

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to give up going to a therapist because it was too expensive and my parents couldn't afford it. Meanwhile, a girl in my class is getting a therapist for her dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newtown Square

Today, my girlfriend launched her own business. I was recently laid off from my job, so I offered to be her very first employee. I now have the glamorous job of bleaching people's assholes. FML

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21845

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By Rollymouth - France

Today, I talked to my crush for half an hour. It wasn't until I was home that I realised I had some remains of the sausage roll I ate an hour earlier spread all over my teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me and I told him about the AnimeCon I'm attending, and that I wanted to go as Sailor Mars, he told me he had no idea what that was. After being mad for about ten minutes, I realized that I wanted to break up with him over not knowing what Sailor Moon was. FML

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12984

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By Anonymous

Today, after constant avoidance, I saw the man who slept with my mother and caused my parents to get divorced. I desperately wanted to punch him in the face, but instead I had to smile and shake his hand as he gave me my diploma. FML

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39134

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By GasFromThePast - United States - Cambridge

Today, I smelled gas when entering my apartment. I checked everything and then left to seek help. I was told to call 911, which resulted in two firetrucks and 10+ firefighters, one of which was my high school sweetheart, entering my messy apartment and finding nothing wrong. FML

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2798

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By Anonymous

Right Said Fred

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing the "I'm too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts…" song before we had sex. Now, every time we have sex, that song is going to be in my head. FML

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662

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 11:01 - Germany

Sing me to sleep

Today, there are two parts to my life: The 12 hours I spend in bed each night trying to fall asleep, with limited success, and the 12 hours I'm up and trying *not* to fall asleep, also with limited success. FML

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830

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By ouchy - United States

Today, I was babysitting three little kids. I decided to give one of them (a seven-year-old) a piggy-back ride, thinking I'm strong enough. I managed to get a few feet before faceplanting on the wooden floor. She is fine though, no pain or anything. My face took the impact for both of us. FML

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11139

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Everyday racism

Today, my college did a fire drill, and instructions were given by intercom in English and Spanish. The guy beside me mused, "If they say it in English and Mexican, why not say it in Black too?" That guy is my idiot brother, and he was dead serious. Sometimes I think our parents are related. FML

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40375

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By screwedhousemate - United Kingdom

Today, my three housemates got into a huge fight and ended up declaring their undying hatred for each other. They now refuse to talk to each other, and I've become their go-between. Yesterday, we signed the lease for another year in the house together. FML

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33818

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By juanjohnfml - United States

Today, I bought a $300 gym membership that gives me access to the company's non-premium gyms. The non-premium gyms are all closed due to construction, because they're being turned into premium gyms. FML

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33835

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By Anonymous

Today, my hate for my mother-in-law now outweighs my love for my husband. FML

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3637

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349

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By ari - United States

Wankers of the world unite!

Today, I found out why teenage boys have "Keep out" and "Please knock" signs on their bedroom doors. FML

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12812

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By shoeaddiikt - Australia

Smurf mouth

Today, I was in an exam and was chewing the end of my pen, stuck on a question. My mouth filled up with ink. I wasn't allowed to leave, so I had to sit for another hour with a foul-tasting blue tongue and a half-working pen. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I accidentally put down the wrong year for my university graduation, so when my prospective boss was checking my references he found no mention of my name in that year's list of graduates. He accused me of faking my qualifications and refused to hire me. It was a 6-figure salary. FML

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2179

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I won a local arm-wrestling tournament. Too bad I have to use the prize money to repair the tendon I tore in the competition. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7834981 - Tuesday 20 August 2019 23:43

I’ll bet you were pissed off!

By BigSissy | 14

#7834968 - Tuesday 20 August 2019 22:15

I was going to say I don’t know how people can even make an effort to date these days, but I realize it was pretty much the same when I was dating – 40 years ago. 😬

COMMENTS

By BigSissy | 14

#7834968 - Tuesday 20 August 2019 22:15

I was going to say I don’t know how people can even make an effort to date these days, but I realize it was pretty much the same when I was dating – 40 years ago. 😬

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7834969 - Tuesday 20 August 2019 22:17

Wait, what? How does the idea of even being married - much less for 50 years - even come up on a first date???

/s [As already alluded to by the first 2 words of this comment.]

Hannah Eder | 16

#7834972 - Tuesday 20 August 2019 22:28

I.....I dont think you know what golden showers are, unless this was sarcasm.

Spootage | 4

#7834986 - Wednesday 21 August 2019 0:09

Making it 50 years as a couple is an incredible accomplishment—and one that should be acknowledged and celebrated with meaningful gifts. The traditional 50 year anniversary gift is gold.