Miscellaneous: Today, my dad yelled at me for buying chunky peanut butter. He...

By Anonymous - 14/10/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, my dad yelled at me for buying chunky peanut butter. He wanted smooth. Apparently he's "allergic to peanuts." I had to explain to him why his argument made no sense. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 270

You deserved it 2 644

Miscellaneous

Mama's boy

White knights

Kids will be kids

By Mojo - 14/12/2009 17:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my crush took me to a park and told me he loved me. We sat on an old bench and were just about to kiss when I screamed. I now have a huge splinter in my arse and he can't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 473

You deserved it 5 159

By bruisedego31 - 12/09/2012 21:58 - United States - Chicago Heights

Today, I found out there's a rumor going around that my smoking hot co-worker and I had sex over the weekend. I'm not nearly as pissed off about the rumor as I am by the fact that I can't remember it because I was too drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 536

You deserved it 33 158

By NinjaPanda88 - 01/08/2009 07:44 - United States

Today, my girlfriend wanted to name my penis. After 5 minutes of thinking up names, she finally picked one. Say hello to Squirtle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 770

You deserved it 16 842

By Matthew - 27/11/2011 02:33 - United States

Today, I was arrested for breaking into a house. This is what happens when I lose my key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 822

You deserved it 4 553

Don't worry dad

By Anonymous - 02/02/2020 18:00

Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 177

You deserved it 470

By stickers - 13/05/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, I was going through my moms closet. On one of the shelves, I found two baby books. One was mine, the other was one for a dog she owned before I was born. I looked through them both. The dog's baby book was filled out more than mine was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 527

You deserved it 4 242

Hello little dude

By Anonymous - 19/05/2012 22:54 - United States

Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 506

You deserved it 2 852

Science has gone too far

By Anonymous - 10/05/2021 22:00

Today, I watched our very clever cat turn on our oven with ease. I now fear for my children's lives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 819

You deserved it 112

By Anonymous - 03/10/2012 17:40 - United States

Today, while walking down the hall of my old school, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Behind the faculty parking lot where I parked my truck, two students were having sex on my tailgate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 580

You deserved it 3 095

By anonymous - 07/01/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, while on a six hour flight, someone offered to pay me $20 to swap seats with them. It seemed like a great deal, so I immediately accepted and moved to my new seat. I didn't realize my new neighbor was an old man with a raging boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 043

You deserved it 13 973

By cole66 - 29/11/2015 18:43 - United States - Knoxville

Today, I realized that the "toothpaste" that I'm always cleaning out with my hands from the sink drain is actually my little brother's semen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 413

You deserved it 3 136

By "taelor14" - 08/11/2017 01:30

Today, after boarding my flight, the flight attendant looked at me and said that I had to sit elsewhere because I had to be over 14 to sit near the emergency exit. I'm 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 330

You deserved it 297

By Locked Out - 14/05/2013 19:11 - United States

Today, after coming home from school, I found that two birds have made a nest above the porch light. This wouldn't be a problem if they stopped attacking me every time I get within 5 feet of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 688

You deserved it 3 529

By Sh.H - 23/02/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, before a big formal banquet, I went tanning because I wanted to look good in my cocktail dress. I got out of the tanning bed only to realize that I had left my socks on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 771

You deserved it 55 823

By gabormelchior - 23/04/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, I got dressed in what I thought was a really adorable outfit. I had a cute pink skirt on, a white tank top and silver strappy sandal heels. On my way to the mall a car pulls over and this guy asks me how much for three hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 167

You deserved it 75 500

By Anonymous - 20/09/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, my grandma wasn't feeling well, so I went to her house to check on her. After about 20 mins, I knew she was feeling better when she looked at me and said "So do you have a boyfriend yet? I pray everynight that I get to live long enough to see you with a boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 259

You deserved it 4 041

By usmcgirl - 18/11/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, I realized why my 50 year old Dad's 30 something girlfriend looked so familiar. She is in all my parents wedding photos... as the flower girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 544

You deserved it 2 208

By fuck russia and fuck georgia too - 09/03/2014 18:38 - Azerbaijan

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She'd walked in on me jerking off, which she said is exactly the same as cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 858

You deserved it 10 315

By shitty shit - 26/05/2015 15:40 - United States - Carmel

Today, I was looking at old pictures with my mom and saw one of myself crying in kindergarten. I asked why I was crying. She said that was the day a boy kissed me on the cheek, and I thought I'd gotten pregnant. She then decided to give me the sex talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 004

You deserved it 3 856

By Luke - 07/11/2011 14:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that if you are being mugged, never tell your mugger you are going to call the police because he will come back and steal your phone too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 343

You deserved it 36 307

Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream

By Anonymous - 07/09/2021 14:01

Today, as usual, I'm receiving constant texts and calls. I'm socially exhausted and just want to be left alone, but everyone I complain to just thinks I’m bragging about my popularity. Including my therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 324

By everfresh - 26/01/2011 10:38 - Finland

Today, my boyfriend thought the garbage can in our kitchen smelled bad. Instead of cleaning it, he had it equipped with a Wunderbaum. Our entire house now smells like "New Car". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 120

You deserved it 3 806

By Teddy Bear - 12/01/2019 16:00

Today, while working in a kids' shop, I absent-mindedly called a small person with his mum a little man. I then hear a deep man's voice say "I'm not a little man." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 107

You deserved it 547

By Anonymous - 15/03/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, he started playing with my nipples. Suddenly he stops kissing me, looks at my nipples and says, "Have they always been like this? They look like joysticks!". He then started singing the Super Mario Brother's theme song and playing the game with my nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 620

You deserved it 5 804

By Yikes - 27/09/2016 04:34 - United States - Cumberland

Today, I finally found the single flaw in my perfect boyfriend. It's herpes. Genital herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 867

You deserved it 1 704

By SnowyConcussion - 23/12/2009 14:30 - United States

Today, after spending the past 4 days asking both my husband and my father-in-law to salt our sidewalk, I slipped on the ice. I hit my head on our concrete stairs. While holding ice on my head, my father-in-law pats my head and says "I'll go get some salt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 854

You deserved it 9 002

By B'Dawk - 14/10/2018 13:30

Today, I found out my girlfriend has been putting boogers in my belly button when I don't pay attention to her while we watch tv. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 633

You deserved it 1 627

Don't look back

By WhataStrangeTripThisIs - 16/07/2021 20:01

Today, out of pure desperation and loneliness, I went out with my ex-boyfriend. It ended with him hitting me and driving off with my car. He's in jail now. What was I thinking? FML

I agree, your life sucks 746

You deserved it 640

Mommy's bravest little boy

By Anonymous - 19/05/2020 20:00

Today, my boyfriend of 9 months asked me to park in a parallel street from where he lives when dropping him off. Why? Because his mom might see me. He's 32. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 457

You deserved it 297

By Anonymous - 19/12/2014 10:41 - United States - Athens

Today, I was shocked to notice that my hair has started growing out entirely silver, supposedly due to pregnancy. I'm 19. Apparently, according to my aunt, "It runs in the family." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 569

You deserved it 6 707

By newlydumped - 21/09/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house for the first time. I had to use the restroom, and when I came back, I mocked her brothers' lame Pokémon shower curtain and Ninja Turtle towels. Turns out they were hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 630

You deserved it 64 345

By scoobses - 02/10/2015 00:45 - United States

Today, my pain-in-the-ass co-worker is finally leaving. Unfortunately, I was chosen to do the bulk of her job. She has given me no training and on her last day, just smirked at me on her way out and say, "Enjoy doing my job too, fucker". I don't get paid enough for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 792

You deserved it 1 881

By hairdresser - 18/10/2009 15:27 - Thailand

Today, my mum started yelling at me for leaving scissors on my desk, which my five year old sister found and chopped all her hair off. She had a lump of hair as proof. After three minutes of her yelling, me crying and apologizing, she laughed and said she was joking. She just cut my sister's hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 625

You deserved it 5 191

By Anonymous - 09/01/2010 21:26 - United States

Today, after months of hardcore flirting with this incredibly attractive guy, he invited me to hang out. At which point he introduced me to his boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 335

You deserved it 7 663

By taternuts - 26/11/2011 12:18 - Canada

Today, one of my classmates pointed out that our professor has a habit of sucking his teeth at the end of each sentence. I'd never noticed before. I can't concentrate anymore, all I can focus on is his weird teeth noise thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 260

You deserved it 3 495

By legitfile.bat.virus.exe - 20/06/2014 23:03 - United States - Placerville

Today, my doctor got my blood test results from the lab. He looked at me gravely and told me I had just weeks left to live. After I started hyperventilating and crying, he burst out laughing and said he was kidding. He then prescribed me some iron tablets and sent me on my way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 935

You deserved it 6 523

By Shino - 26/06/2018 19:00

Today, my fiancé's mother made him pack his stuff and move to Montana while I was at work. I came home to a half-written note because she wouldn’t let him finish. We own a house together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 354

You deserved it 446

By evil - 27/01/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, at my school, the student council is trying to raise $5000 for Haiti. They are doing so by playing the song from High School Musical in the hallways and cafeteria everyday until they get the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 918

You deserved it 4 371

By Anonymous - 14/05/2010 23:19 - Canada

Today, I tripped in front of my graduation class of 225 and all of their relatives while receiving my diploma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 465

You deserved it 4 841

By Sexy Rash - 21/02/2014 23:26 - Australia - Wallgrove

Today, the rash on my thigh started itching again. I felt good after a vigorous scratch, but the relief did not extend to my roommate, who only saw me at my laptop with my hand moving up and down in my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 533

You deserved it 8 307

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Top comments

Midrash 5

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Friday 14 October 2011 18:55

I am surprise a guy like that was able to get laid

RedPillSucks 31

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Friday 14 October 2011 19:48

I feel the same way about girl scout cookies.

vsat207 0

Friday 14 October 2011 18:51

You should buy smooth peanut butter and put peanuts in there just to see what happens

vsat207 0

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Friday 14 October 2011 19:07

Hence why I said add them

gntfmlingnow 12

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Friday 14 October 2011 19:11

Alan, I think she means she knows it doesn't contain full peanuts, not that it doesn't have peanuts in it

Midrash 5

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Friday 14 October 2011 19:11

15 - Wow. U just made me lose all hope for the human race.

vsat207 0

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Friday 14 October 2011 19:13

I'll let you in on a little secret, not everything said on this site is serious.

13FTW 9

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Friday 14 October 2011 19:23

23, oohhhh bitch pleeaaasse. You did not just try to one up Alan did you? Just by attempting to argue with such a god of FML makes your argument invalid.

ikickgingers 15

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Friday 14 October 2011 19:26

All this sarcasm is turning me on.

ripgeorgecarl1n 7

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Friday 14 October 2011 19:31

Alan, why u no let me thumb up comments?

enonymous 8

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Friday 14 October 2011 19:38

Everytime I order a hot dog I'm disappointed there's no dog in it...

RedPillSucks 31

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Friday 14 October 2011 19:48

I feel the same way about girl scout cookies.

13FTW 9

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Friday 14 October 2011 19:50

Alan, drunk ain't enough, you need to be totally fucking wasted!

Chazyj 4

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Friday 14 October 2011 19:56

Got to love getting owned but the FML team :-p

txgirl2013 14

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Friday 14 October 2011 20:36

blondes are smarter than you right now

Jammy01jams 2

Saturday 15 October 2011 2:51

Oh my god. I simply cannot believe there is someone with this level of idiocy on this site. Please tell me you are joking Vsat... :(

FarSide 22

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Saturday 15 October 2011 2:59

Pitiful. Just pitiful.

EvilPotato 14

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Saturday 15 October 2011 4:30

Vsat, you are suffering from a disorder I call extreme stupidity, I should know I'm a doctor, and also there's no cure. Alan you are suffering from a disorder called extreme fucking ownage, like stupidity, it cannot be cured, your either born with it, or not.

captainfalcon7 0

Friday 14 October 2011 18:54

he's allergic to peanuts so he doesn't want them in his peanut butter. How doesn't that make sense?

LouisianaBob 9

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Friday 14 October 2011 19:22

Your sarcasm won't work here mister

Victoire_W 0

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Friday 14 October 2011 19:51

Listen lemonass, peanut butter, smooth OR chunky, are both made of peanuts. Make sence?

melikeyturtles 3

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Friday 14 October 2011 19:59

*sense

gurly98 13

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Friday 14 October 2011 20:05

Dude u don't have to insult him

gurly98 13

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Friday 14 October 2011 20:14

Vhvh

HowAreYouToday 34

Friday 14 October 2011 21:43

-.- this thread made me facepalm... So much

Ali_Br_fml 33

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Friday 14 October 2011 23:18

Or you can crush up the nuts in front of him, then say... "Smooth PEANUT butter coming up!" I mean c'mon, he could have just said he doesn't like his peanutbutter crunchy.

chunkolard 1

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Saturday 15 October 2011 9:03

Ur fuckin dumb, Vic.

panda_heroo 0

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Saturday 15 October 2011 12:53

Are you an idiot?

annihil8or 15

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Saturday 15 October 2011 15:34

Hey dummy, peanut better is made outta peanuts

djack0113 0

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Sunday 16 October 2011 5:24

Because it's fucking peanut butter

ilyphilip 2

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Monday 17 October 2011 2:37

peanut butters made from peanuts idiot

Unlucky_Gun 0

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Thursday 9 February 2012 4:38

Haha you said peanut better

TheEpicPies 15

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Thursday 28 June 2012 17:04

It makes SENSE not SENCE.

doglover100 28

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Saturday 7 July 2012 3:43

I can't believe someone asked that.

Coalke 5

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Thursday 15 November 2012 9:51

You guys. It was sarcasm! Really! It was dripping, people!

Midrash 5

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Friday 14 October 2011 18:55

I am surprise a guy like that was able to get laid

eharmonee 0

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Saturday 15 October 2011 0:34

He might not have. She could have been adopted!(:

TorturedXeno 27

Saturday 15 October 2011 7:38

That's a question that OP will have to answer. Now the only question that remains is, who won the argument?

IKickPuppiesHard 16

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Sunday 23 October 2011 14:48

No the real question is how does someone old enough to go buy peanut butter by themself not know their dad is allergic to peanuts?

Kdawgg01 2

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Friday 14 October 2011 18:56

You deserved it simply for buying chunky peanut butter you sick freak

melchibr_fml 0

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Friday 14 October 2011 19:07

You should be locked up in a mental institute for a Long time. Buying chunky peanut butter for someone with a peanut allergy is sick and psychotic!

leena24 11

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Saturday 15 October 2011 5:00

68... try reading the original post before putting someone else down

harmonyrulez 0

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Sunday 23 October 2011 1:39

That is so true. Chunky peanut butter should be outlawed. I am thoroughly disgusted. Smh.

alpaquette91 9

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Friday 14 October 2011 18:56

Tell him he's allergic so he can't eat peanut butter, there for it doesn't matter what type of peanut butter you get. Your the only one eating it

linko_fml 0

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Friday 14 October 2011 19:03

Good one.

meliesFML 0

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Friday 14 October 2011 22:44

actually, I'm allergic to peanuts & for an odd reason chunky peanutbutter gives me an allergic reaction cause of the peanuts but smooth doesn't. so what he's saying actually makes sense.