Today, my dad took me to a bar for my first legal drink. He quickly got "drunk" and started slurring that I was an accident, saying the only reason I'm alive is because he'd been too poor to pay for an abortion. As I started crying, he burst out laughing and said soberly, "Just kidding, son." FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my dad and his buddies were hanging out. One of them said to my dad, "Hey! I've heard your son wants to be a doctor! He he he! You better start saving up!" My dad then triumphantly responded, "PAH!!! No problem there. He's an idiot! He probably won't make it to premed!" And yes, he was sober. FML
Today, my dad showed up at my house and offered to take me to my favorite restaurant. He drove me to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. He believes I only had my daughter, who I love with all my heart, because I drunkenly hooked up with a girl. FML
Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML
Today, I joked with my dad, saying I'd gotten my boyfriend pregnant. In response, he slapped me, threw my phone across the room, smashed my laptop, and then took a moment for what I'd said to sink in. FML
Today, I told my Dad I was an alcoholic and had decided to seek help. His reply, "Don't stop drinking, you are the life of the party, funny and beautiful when you drink." FML
Today, I found my dad drunk, sitting on the bathroom floor crying. When I asked him why, he said, "My son is gay." I'm his only child, and I'm a girl. FML
Today, my mom came home heavily drunk. As I was taking care of her, she told me all about how I was a mistake. That didn't hurt nearly as much as when she told me she wishes I'd died during her pregnancy. FML
Today, I found out that my father, who very recently lost his wife, decided that drunkenly hitting on my long-time boyfriend's mom was a good idea. FML
Today, I came home to find my dad drinking. Trying to be cheerful, I greeted him with a "Hi, dad!" He sighed, shook his head, and said "It hurts me when you call me that." FML
Today, I met my biological father for the first time. He seemed to be slightly intoxicated from the outset, and less than half an hour later, he had tried to intimidate me into "loaning" him several hundred euros for reasons he wouldn't tell me. So long, "dad". FML
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Top comments
Rallred32 20
Your father has a sick sense of humor, OP.
m22100 14
That's not something to " kid " about.
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Comments (108)
ryry117 7
Be thankful it was a joke OP o.0
JCal585 8
You cried? Lol.
callmefireman 7
That's ******* awesome
Pingvinai 37
I may save this FML for future pranks on my children. At least your dad has a sense of humor, twisted as it may be, haha.
Goblin182 27
You cried in a bar? Never cry in a bar.
chriisteex 10
Can't tell if you're light-hearted or if you're pro-life
imbedderdenu 23
yikes! That's pretty effed up... But still pretty funny! lol sorry OP
Bcfrmkc816 17
That's one cruel joke. At least he didn't make ya suffer to long.
sasha_mizaree 6
That is ****** up. If this is real, I'd punch the dad in the face
kodaechan 6
at least it wasn't a "hi I'm dad" joke