Miscellaneous: Today, my dad came out of a hotel bathroom with nothing but a...

By indianaxx - France

Today, my dad came out of a hotel bathroom with nothing but a wash-cloth over his crotch and said "look! this place has cotton loin clothes" in front of my wedding party. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dangling modifier

Call CPS!

Buyer's market

By E-fail - 7/10/2020 08:53 - Canada - Bathurst

On yer bike

Today, I received my new e-bike. I could barely afford it but I desperately needed a method of transportation. On my second ride, I splashed through a fresh sidewalk. There was sidewalk in the chain, in the brakes, everywhere. There goes my brand new bike. FML

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By Dmessmer1 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I gave my dad $40 and asked him if he can get me lunch on his way back home. Long story short he came back empty handed telling me it was my fault for trusting him with McNuggets. FML

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13022

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By DoseyGit

Today, while brushing my teeth I noticed a hair in the sink. Running the scenario over in my mind, I was going to simultaneously spit into the sink and throw the hair on the floor. Creating a big ball of phlegm, I threw the hair back into the sink and launched a huge mouthful onto the floor. FML

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4022

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By Anonymous - Canada - Grand Falls

Today, I was at the beach. I'd recently decided to try the "life hack" where you empty out a bottle of lotion and hide small valuables in it, to avoid them being stolen. I'd put the bottle in my bag. Instead of stealing stuff from inside it, though, someone just stole the whole bag. FML

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41393

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By anonymous - United States - Tehachapi

Today, I saw a man on my bike that was stolen a few years ago. I asked him if I could have my bike back just wondering what he'd say. He calmly replied, "Hell no, I stole this fair and square." FML

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By Maxx - United States

Today, I was so bored at work that I put a zip tie on my finger just for the excitement of trying to get it off. FML

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9604

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, someone was getting beat up by 6 guys. When I tried to help, they had a swing at me as well. The cops came when I was enthusiastically defending myself. They got away, I got arrested. FML

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By MouseChaser - United States

Today, I learned that as adorable as it might be to watch your cat follow your cursor around the screen, the humor ends when she dives into and breaks the monitor. FML

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11938

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By Tj Hunt - United States

Today, in the middle of a hot air balloon ride with my girlfriend, I asked her to marry me. She said no. The rest of the ride was the most awkward 2 hours of my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, my mom took me to a bar to cheer me up after being dumped. Two cute guys around my age kept looking over at us the whole night. When I told my mom, she said she was going to get them to come talk to me. Instead, she ended up leaving with both of them. FML

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60883

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By artclasstrauma - United States

Today, in my art class we had to paint a nude portrait of a fat, old woman. About halfway through the piece, and while painting her fat rolls, I realized she was the only person other than myself I had ever seen naked. FML

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44096

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By BluesMan1990 - United States

Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, the last thing I remember before getting the shit beaten out of me at the bar, was my dipshit brother saying to me, "Dude, I'm not a racist, but" and then ranting about how non-whites should get out of America. FML

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30947

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife posted on Facebook, "FUCK THA POLICE!" She got 40 likes. I'm a police officer. FML

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46321

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By okaydisarray - United States - Dayton

Today, I received a letter from an eBay seller for whom I recently left an honest, negative review. I don't know what I was expecting, but I certainly wasn't ready for what spilled out coating my jeans, shoes, and brand new carpet: Glitter. FML

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19508

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having 6 gangrenous toes amputated because he hasn't been treating his diabetes properly. Not half an hour after he got home, I caught him sneaking sweets from a hiding place in his toolbox. He's already lost the bag with his medication in it. Again. FML

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3389

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309

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I learned that no matter how much you want the Nutella, it's never a good idea to deep-throat the knife. FML

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19027

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By deven - United States

Today, I saw a fight so I went over to try and break it up. Someone thought I wanted to join in, so he gave me an unexpected whap in the happy sacks, and I also got a bloody nose for my troubles. FML

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16698

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By horsefuck - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML

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27413

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By cargaljen - United States - Olathe

Today, a nice couple came in to buy a car. I offered to drive it out from the line of cars for them, since it was a tight squeeze. They then watched as I managed to back it straight into another car, causing a large amount of damage to both. FML

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38844

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By noname - United States

Today, I went on Facebook to find that my little brother had messed with my profile. He wrote on my status that I'm a piece of shit, I have no life, and several other nasty and perverted things. Underneath, it said 26 of my friends liked this. I'm new to Facebook. So far I have 26 friends. FML

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By youdontknowmewhy - United States - Keller

Today, I was called a selfish brat for asking for a pillow as my birthday present. FML

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29775

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By "smonds13"

Doggone It

Today, my 3-year-old pooped on the floor and blamed it on the dog. How do I know? We don't have a dog. FML

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4594

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By Depirama - France - Bron

Today, I confessed my love for the girl I like, on the forum she moderates. She responded by banning me. FML

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39521

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By masterzach21 - United States

Today, I took a picture of my "privates" on my girlfriends cell phone and set it as her background without her knowing. Minutes later, I heard her mom scream. She has the same phone. FML

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8980

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By bestiality? do I look like a pig? - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I borrowed my boyfriend's laptop. Out of curiosity, I clicked through the bookmarks in his web browser. One of them took me to a site dedicated to sex stories featuring characters from My Little Pony. FML

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47113

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By oh my fucking god - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my fiancée has been saying, "Shit's gone cray-cray" for over a week. I finally snapped. When I was done ranting, she murmured, "Baby, don't be cray-cray". FML

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52120

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By Just Lonely - United States - La Place

Today, after not hanging out with anyone the whole year, a guy finally asked me to go the movies with him. When I asked what time, he said, "Never mind, I found another girl." FML

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14491

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By FIM

Today, in response to a text asking if I wanted to meet for brunch, I wrote, "Oh dear god I'm so hungover I could die and I'm still in my same clothes from last night. Not a chance." It was our 5-year college reunion and the number I sent that to was actually an old professor, not an old friend. FML

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By roobb - Canada

Today, I saw my girlfriend with an older guy who I thought was her dad, I went over to introduce myself. And then turned around and walked away very fast as I saw them make out. My girlfriend is cheating on me with someone as old as my dad. FML

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56500

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the computer in the library on campus. I was facebook stalking this really cute girl that I often see on campus. As I'm looking at her profile pictures, I turn around and the girl is standing right behind me. She gave me a disgusted look and walked off. FML

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9529

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I found out that the $200 I reluctantly gave to my mother so she could rent a house was paid to a scammer. Now she wants to live with me, in my one bedroom apartment. FML

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23747

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By SAM - United States

Today, my dad gave me his old camera. I got home and eagerly turned it on to start using it. I was greeted by a photo of my father drunk, smiling, naked, and covered in peanut butter. FML

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3133

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By trippybmth - United States

Today, after doing tons of research on a wand my little brother wanted for Christmas, I finally found one on eBay for $60. After already giving my credit card info and confirming the purchase, my dad called me and told me he found the exact same one for six bucks at a local toy store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31584

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By dormlyfe - United States - Moraga

Today, I met new people at my dorm, only to find they already knew me because they listen to my boyfriend and me have sex all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17967

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By Anonymous - United States - North Little Rock

Today, my brother's recent creepy behavior suddenly made sense when I found "How to seduce your sister?" in his browser search history. FML

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34465

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By baconbreath=| - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I had a picnic on the beach. It was so romantic and perfect. He leant forward to kiss me. Once we had kissed he said, "We haven't even started eating yet", and passed me a mint. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27984

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By Unlucky - United States

Today, as I got up from the couch, my computer, which was next to me, fell on to my pinky toe. It fell just so that the edge of it cut my toe open. I cursed, and hobbled toward the bathroom to get a bandage. As I'm going into the bathroom, I stub said toe on the door jamb. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38556

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By kevdev - United States

Today, I received an email from an ex who I haven't heard from in two years. Excited that it might be her asking if we could meet up, I opened it. It was a virus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34673

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By Eric - 14/3/2020 06:05

Shut up and take it

Today my college professor told me that I ask him too many questions. Apparently, my college tuition fee doesn't include learning. FML

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Top comments

By Nakedsquirrel | 5

#810044 - Saturday 30 January 2010 20:06

Standard guy stuff. Everyone hangs a washcloth or towel on their dick and stares at it for a minute for lulz.

By xxhappyninjaxx | 0

#810018 - Saturday 30 January 2010 20:03

wow that really sucks

COMMENTS

By xxhappyninjaxx | 0

#810018 - Saturday 30 January 2010 20:03

wow that really sucks

seabrook | 7

#810019 - Saturday 30 January 2010 20:03

rofl aw

Ajjas013 | 6

#810085 - Saturday 30 January 2010 20:11

Be thankful he wasn't fully naked.

Dandamanoo | 0

#810189 - Saturday 30 January 2010 20:34

better out than in

danielj8 | 0

#810270 - Saturday 30 January 2010 20:59

Sucks for you. disown your dad.

Danielt104 | 6

#810425 - Saturday 30 January 2010 22:07

Lol, nice dad. XD

By Caayouteepie | 0

#810024 - Saturday 30 January 2010 20:04

lol?

By Jake1595 | 0

#810028 - Saturday 30 January 2010 20:05

haha!

By ihatedads | 0

#810031 - Saturday 30 January 2010 20:05

fyl.

LauraTheKiwi | 0

#810776 - Sunday 31 January 2010 0:22

Your name goes well with this. :L

By chicababe912 | 0

#810040 - Saturday 30 January 2010 20:05

haha that's great

By bazinga_fml | 0

#810042 - Saturday 30 January 2010 20:06

Poor girl..

By MuRz_209 | 0

#810043 - Saturday 30 January 2010 20:06

what the hellllll 

By Nakedsquirrel | 5

#810044 - Saturday 30 January 2010 20:06

Standard guy stuff. Everyone hangs a washcloth or towel on their dick and stares at it for a minute for lulz.

TheDaveCA | 1

#810057 - Saturday 30 January 2010 20:08

Most guys don't share it with a wedding party though...

ncurtsak | 0

#810763 - Sunday 31 January 2010 0:15

10/14 both completly true statements haha FYL though

crystalxa | 35

#5924822 - Thursday 24 April 2014 18:36

I agree it's standard guy stuff! And I hope we was drunk, but it is hilarious!

By snakrange | 0

#810045 - Saturday 30 January 2010 20:06

HAHA FAIL!

By luvuall | 0

#810049 - Saturday 30 January 2010 20:07

Tarzan =P