Intimacy: Today, my dad and I got royally bitched out by my mother, because... - FML

By Anonymous - 14/01/2014 20:09 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Spicy

Today, my dad and I got royally bitched out by my mother, because she found a bill for a porn site subscription, which was paid by my dad, but made out to my name. I had no idea about any of this, but she now thinks I'm a filthy porn addict and that my dad is an enabler. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 680

You deserved it 5 828

Walk on the wild side

Dementia or hate? You decide

Commando

By Anonymous - 15/01/2013 20:56 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, after a long, horrible day at work and some fighting with my family and my girlfriend, I decided to cheer myself up by going to McDonald's for a change. I burst into tears when the cashier told me they couldn't make me a Mars McFlurry because they'd run out of ingredients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 880

You deserved it 8 548

By Anonymous - 10/11/2012 02:09 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I noticed my husband was acting moody, and I asked him what was wrong. He replied that he didn't know, so trying to lighten the mood, I facetiously said, "It's 'cause you're stuck with me, isn't it?" He nodded, trundled off, and hasn't shown his face since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 512

You deserved it 4 507

By apparentlyugly - 10/12/2014 01:56 - United States - Henderson

Today, after spending a lazy day at home, I went to UPS with my mom to help her pick up a package. While in line, she sent me back to the car because I'm, "an embarrassment to be around" when I'm not wearing makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 090

You deserved it 2 937

By Username - 10/10/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, a highly intoxicated man came into my workplace and complained that the medicine that I'd prescribed for his dog almost choked him. I work at Blockbuster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 606

You deserved it 2 585

By Anonymous - 23/11/2015 14:19 - Australia - Applecross

Spicy

Today, I was washing my boobs in the shower when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I got super turned on at the sight of my large breasts all soaped up. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 562

You deserved it 9 852

By xXx - 16/10/2009 08:20 - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a funny prank to put duct tape on my eyes while I was sleeping so that when I woke up, I would be blind. I have no more eyelashes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 275

You deserved it 3 038

Talk is cheap

By Tris - 12/09/2019 16:00

Today, my co-workers keep making fun of me because I said, “You’re very so welcome.” They say it's not proper grammar, but honestly I can’t find anything that says I’m wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 551

You deserved it 1 987

By onlyme - 23/05/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I was lining a soccer field. I had the entire grid laid out, so I began to paint with a handheld cart. I finished the entire field without looking back once. I forgot to put paint in the cart. I walked around a field for an hour painting with air. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 102

You deserved it 64 754

So much in common

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 20:01 - New Zealand

Today, my old high school mates organised a dinner hangout so that my recent ex, who is part of our group, could introducing her new boyfriend to us. I was late and the only remaining seat available was next to the new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 771

You deserved it 235

Alexa, play "Fast Cars" by Buzzcocks

By I'mmessedup - 18/09/2021 07:00 - United States - Marion

Today, I wonder about my mental and emotional state as I didn't react whatsoever to a semi that started to pull out in front of my speeding Camaro. If he hadn't seen me, and stopped, I would not be alive to post this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 604

You deserved it 278

By broken - 23/09/2016 01:52 - United States - Arcata

Today, the guy I'm seeing told me, "I've always loved you as a person.... but not in any other way." While he was inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 988

You deserved it 1 064

By Anonymous - 13/02/2016 01:56 - United States - Dallas

Today, I returned to work after taking two days off to find I'd been fired. Why? For not being at work on those two days. Everything was agreed in writing, all trace of which has mysteriously vanished. I can't work until HR sorts it out, and nobody can tell me how long that'll take. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 202

You deserved it 1 485

By anonymous - 09/12/2013 15:10 - United States

Today, my crazy ex-girlfriend legally changed her last name to mine. I'm getting married in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 770

You deserved it 3 758

By Anonymous - 11/07/2015 01:23 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 751

You deserved it 2 080

By HowToGetFired - 07/07/2015 20:20 - United States - Tampa

Today, I just finished a driving school that I thought would lower my insurance by 10%. It was 30 hours so I was glad it was over, that was until I found out I took the wrong class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 055

You deserved it 8 573

Devil's wages

By fucked - 14/03/2014 19:40 - Canada

Today, my boss - AKA Satan - told me I'd better watch out, because I'm now top on his list of people to lay off next time the company downsizes. All I did was give a report to the board admitting that our sales are down this year. He blames me for making him look bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 750

You deserved it 3 747

By Anonymous - 14/05/2019 02:00

Today, at work, I came back from my break to find a child covered in mud. Turns out it wasn't mud. One of the other children had taken all of the poop out of their diaper and smeared it all over the floor, walls, and other children. The other teacher hadn't noticed, and I had to clean it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 016

You deserved it 122

By KMKWEEN - 16/02/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I was at work. I work at a grocery store and a woman pulls a cart to me filled with chips, breads, lunch meats, and sodas. I said to her "Looks like you are going to have a fun party" she then looks at me and says "My mother just died, this is for after the funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 839

You deserved it 10 637

By tessykins - 22/10/2009 07:41 - United States

Today, this guy who likes me accused me of cutting myself. I asked him what he was talking about, and he said, "Don't lie, I saw those scars on your thighs when we went swimming." I have stretch marks on my inner thighs, and now I have to explain them to him so he doesn't think I cut myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 842

You deserved it 3 269

Stay away from us!

By KingSnow03 - 31/03/2020 20:00

Today, because I have a coughed a total of 2 times in a row, I'm now banned from seeing any of my family until I get tested for coronavirus. The earliest available appointment is May 3rd. Looks like quarantine is going to be a lot worse than I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 608

You deserved it 185

By WearingSomethingStringy - 10/04/2013 00:02 - United States - Cranston

Today, I noticed a stray string on a seam of my pants. I started absentmindedly pulling at it thinking maybe I could pull it off. Five minutes later, I realized it looked like I was fiddling with my crotch in the middle of Starbucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 120

You deserved it 12 054

By blahblah1993 - 20/02/2015 17:56 - United States - Katy

Today, I'm 8 months pregnant and still waitressing at a local restaurant. There were only 3 of us serving today and things were hectic. One guy bitched me out, saying "Maybe if you lost some weight you'd walk a little faster!" because I wasn't fast enough with his soup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 054

You deserved it 2 810

By Cantgetno - 20/09/2011 07:45 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized my tampon goes deeper than my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 305

You deserved it 6 801

By PetitPrincePerdu - 08/05/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, I found my mother wandering the halls of my fraternity unescorted and asked why she was here, she told me she was concerned when I didn't pick up my phone for two days. She then informed me that she had also moved to the same city I live in. My mother moved over 600 miles to stalk me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 808

You deserved it 5 048

By not-that-fat - 27/07/2009 13:49 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend when I said "I wish all the weight I gained just went to my boobs." His reply was, "They'd be HUGE." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 274

You deserved it 25 918

Time for another podcast

By Anonymous - 11/05/2021 22:01

Today, I think my boyfriend is having an affair. With Joe Rogan. Why? Every time I mention something, he basically replies, "Joe Rogan said…" For example: Vaccines? "Joe Rogan said yada yada yada." Weed? "A guest on Joe Rogan's podcast said…" And so on. I HATE YOU, ROGAN. FML

I agree, your life sucks 753

You deserved it 181

By tiredmom - 07/07/2016 15:03 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my son found a cockroach in his bed. I had to kill the thing and wash all his sheets and stuffed animals before he'd finally agree to go back to bed, three hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 282

You deserved it 1 549

By Noname - 02/02/2009 04:31 - United States

Today, I was looking after my parents house and their wiener dog, and fell asleep on the couch. The dog climbed onto my shoulders and rested behind my head like a doggie neck pillow. All was great until she farted right in my left ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 752

You deserved it 7 024

By sasquatch - 08/09/2012 04:03 - United States - Katonah

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend requested that I shave my lips so I spent an hour in the shower carefully removing every trace of pubic hair. Turns out he wanted me to shave my moustache, not my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 704

You deserved it 33 499

By WhyThankYou - 26/07/2013 05:31 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I was having dinner at a long-time friend's place. In a matter of 15 minutes, her mom had managed to establish unequivocally that three kinds of people were ruining the world: vegetarians, atheists and homosexuals. I'm all three rolled into one. She knows that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 122

You deserved it 16 101

By Anonymous - 25/08/2019 14:00 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, wearing nothing offensive, minding my own business, when a car drove past and threw something that hit me really hard in the back of my head. It was a Bible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 720

You deserved it 123

By Anonymous - 03/12/2015 14:02

Spicy

Today, I accidentally walked in on my dad as he was getting changed. Now I know genetics can be a real bitch. With such a massive difference in size, I have to question whether I'm even biologically related to this old three-legged git. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 932

You deserved it 3 577

By Anonymous - 30/04/2009 02:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110 041

You deserved it 17 563

By Anonymous - 23/12/2011 18:23 - United States

Today, I walked in on my daughter eating a handful of styrofoam packing pellets, because she thought they were Christmas candy. She's fourteen. What's next, eating rocks? FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 231

You deserved it 4 883

By teddyissmall - 14/04/2014 06:29 - Canada - Montr?al

Spicy

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend. Everything seemed to be going well, when all of a sudden he turned to look at me with a pensive and thoughtful expression. I expected him to say something important, but instead he just said, "I was wondering, how does it feel to be fat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 736

You deserved it 7 384

By clo_bo - 30/08/2019 20:00

Today, I saw a message on my boyfriend's phone from one of his friends, saying I was a downgrade from his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 718

You deserved it 179

By momma - 16/08/2013 15:21 - Canada - Toronto

Today, while getting ready to welcome my first child into the world, my father in law decided to "help out" and threw out a bunch of papers I needed. Like my child's application for a health card, social insurance number, and my birth plan, as well as instructions from my doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 927

You deserved it 3 698

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 01:31 - United States - Westfield

Today, my older brother called me ugly, and so I used the classic comeback ''It's not nice to talk about yourself like that." He responded by cutting the strings to my violin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 166

You deserved it 2 858

Money management

By Marea90h - 25/11/2020 16:58

Today, my fiancé finally was able secure a PS5, which I told him I'd get for Christmas. Due to high demand, I didn't think he'd be able to get it till next week or so. He bought it last night while I was sleeping. I have to pay my car insurance tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 737

You deserved it 298

By yggiz - 29/08/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I learned to never shave your downstairs when you have the hiccups. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 916

You deserved it 31 955

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:11

Why does anyone pay for porn? There are tons of free pornsites out there! Trust me I know.

\ 28

Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:10

Deadbeat Dad strikes again.

Comments

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:09

Maybe, explain this to your mum?

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:51

Yeah, like she'll believe him

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 1:33

Like he hasn't tried that already?

\ 28

Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:10

Deadbeat Dad strikes again.

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:32

More like beat-off dad.

StillUsesMyspace 22

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:37

more like genius dad

\ 28

Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:39

#28 - That was a stroke of IdiotGenius. :D

AnOriginalName 19

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 2:25

Deadbeat dad strokes again?

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 3:11

Its actually good to have a parent on your side for one of these things.

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 6:39

Except neither of them are on OP's side. :(

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 14:34

Denmark...

J15237 25

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Thursday 29 April 2021 18:01

That is true, but in this case OP didn't do a damn thing. They got fucked over by their father and clearly their mother doesn't care.

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:11

Why does anyone pay for porn? There are tons of free pornsites out there! Trust me I know.

letmehavemytea 21

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:13

I was just about to say that. Seriously fuck op's dad's life for being so ignorant of use of the Internet that he actually wasted money on porn.

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:24

I know you do you dirty bastard.

\ 28

Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:40

The best things on the Internet aren't free, you know.

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 1:56

Ooohhhh yes they are B-)

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 3:45

Op should say that. "Mom come on. Why would I pay for porn when I know of plenty of other FREE websites? .. dad on the other hand..." haha x)

EphMi 5

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Friday 17 January 2014 11:35

They must be those rare types that you can't get for free. Don't ask me, i don't know!

frozen92_fml 12

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:11

At least ask for the password to the account.

VampOfSavannah 31

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:16

I wouldn't want to know what my parents were into, would you? Lol

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 2:17

The reason this is an fml is because op could have been high quality Hd porn but he was sticking his 5 videos a day

AnOriginalName 19

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 2:27

^ If you disable your cookies, it won't limit you to five freebies a day. I read it somewhere else, didn't figure it out on my own....

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 6:43

Dont't lie to us, 56. :p We're hip to your game.

Bradley_Dillon 39

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 16:09

:o On mobile I dont have the 5 video limit anymore. It disapeared after I updated my phones OS.

XxAnnaXxBellexX 15

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:11

Why would your dad think that it's okay to do that? Either way he was going to get bitched out.

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:11

I'm not sure which part is more messed up: 1) That he took out a subscription in your name. 2) That he pays for porn when it is so readily available for free. 3) That he did not come clean to his wife. or 4) That your mother thinks that having a porn subscription makes you a porn addict. Also - this is the perfect opportunity for blackmail. I believe it would be well deserved. Mhm.

auro7 18

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:13

Some websites have 'exclusive', HD, or focus on certain things that may be much more appealing. They charge money for things that are harder to find elsewhere.

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:14

You'd have to be a porn addict to actually subscribe to porn.

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:19

If it were some kind of fetish thing - I could understand. Specific things are hard to find. Or if he's into the webcam chicks maybe. But lemme tell ya - if I'm paying for porn, it better be impossible to find elsewhere. But Maybe that's just my empty bank accounts talking. :p

auro7 18

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:12

Did he at least share the username/password with you?

frozen92_fml 12

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:58

Grrrrr.....

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 6:45

Aw why the downvotes for 8? If OP's taking the blame, he may as well reap the benefits..

auro7 18

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 7:54

Thank you #78. It was mostly sarcasm, but OP, hinting at the login might not be a bad idea..

REALAfroninga 11

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:13

Guys, what's porn?

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:17

If you don't know, this isn't an app/website that you should use

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:22

If you think he's serious, this isn't a website/app that you should use.

REALAfroninga 11

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:31

Alright guys I'm back, and lemme tell ya, it's alright. I didn't even know women could suck off horses!

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:38

How did you think they got such bad Duckfaces?

koalabear_55 11

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:40

If you don't know what porn is you're too young to be on this website

REALAfroninga 11

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:49

Alright guys, I guess this has gone over to many heads... I'm 18, I know full well what porn is, and I made a bad joke. I deeply apologize to all those who spent their full focus and challenged the deepest thought waves on me not knowing what porn is, instead of putting, say, the square block in the round hole.

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:13

It seems that this is a... whoreable situation. I deserve any and all downvotes.

weveallbeenthere 30

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Wednesday 15 January 2014 0:14

Why would anyone pay for porn now there are so many free sites

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 15

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 18

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 667

You deserved it 147

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 403

You deserved it 101