Work: Today, my colleague introduced herself and said, "I know how... - FML

By Unnoticed - Australia - Thornlie

Today, my colleague introduced herself and said, "I know how nerve-racking first days are!" Which is nice of her, except I've been at this company longer than she has. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

The smell detective is on the case

Money hole

By theboywithlonghair - United States

Today, I decided to go get my hair cut because it was getting a bit long. I told the lady that I wanted it way short and she replied "Why? You will look like a guy sweetie." I am a guy. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I came to terms with the fact that my boss owns my soul for the bare minimum wage, and has me so whipped that he probably will for the rest of eternity, or until his ancient, withered, necromantic ass dies. FML

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Today, I was enjoying my first vacation day in 2 years. My boss then called me to come in, saying it was an emergency. I got to work and got fired. Yes, my boss made me come in just to fire me. FML

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By Sleepless in Juneau - United States - Fairbanks

Today, my housemate's cat began meowing at 2:15am. After about 10 minutes of continuous caterwauling, it finally shut up. Almost immediately afterwards, a car with thumping bass music pulled up to idle in the street right outside my window. FML

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By Deadmeat

Throw the bill at the kid. Do it.

Today, I was really excited that I'd made it the two weeks I'd borrowed my mother-in-law's new car without putting a scratch on it. I got off work to discover a customer's child throwing rocks in the parking lot. They cracked the windshield. FML

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By MIB thingy please... - United States - Oregon City

Today, my date dropped me off at home and briefly met my parents. As he was leaving he whispered into my ear, "I want to feel the inside of your vagina with the outside of my penis." My parents totally heard. FML

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By holycommander - United States

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. I was woken up by my mother breaking into my house to tell me I need to get ready for work. Then she got mad that I had a girl over. I'm 20. FML

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By samsterling - United States - Blacksburg

Today, I paid $500 for a gym membership after moving into a brand new house, since 12 years of software development has taken its toll. When I told my instructor about my goal to lose 35lbs in two months, he simply said, "Yeah... That's not going to happen. Try another gym," and left promptly. FML

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By inappropes

Today, at almost 26 years old, my beard is finally coming in. Too bad it, like the hair on my head, is 50% grey already. FML

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By sarahijklmnop - United States - Louisville

Today, I started at my first job. Within the first five minutes of arriving, I was followed around by a white guy who repeatedly sang to me, "Black people love making music" along with a few of his own songs. It resulted in me getting fired for bringing my "boyfriend" to work. I didn't even know him. FML

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By sleepy

Today, I was trying to fall asleep. Unfortunately, my next-door neighbor's baby began to cry. I closed the window and rolled over, unable to hear the crying anymore. My dog's hearing is better than mine, and so he started barking. Goodbye, good night's sleep. FML

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By Concert Flatulent - United States - Marshall

Today, I went to an orchestra concert. Halfway through the performance I had to fart really bad, so I decided to try and sneak it in while the orchestra was playing a loud exciting part. Just as I let it rip, there was a dramatic pause in the music. Everyone heard. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband left his cellphone unlocked so I decided to go through it. I found 10 texts threads from 10 different women, one of them from my 18 year old sister who was sending him nude pictures. FML

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By Jobless

Today I was fired from my job. They fired me because they couldn't work around my college schedule. The only reason they hired me was because they were looking for college students and without a job I can't go back to school. FML

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By GnatEater

Kinky.

Today, I made a horrific discovery; the months-long gnat epidemic in my spotlessly clean home has been emanating from my coffee pot. They've been procreating inside it all this time. I use it every day. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, during a driving lesson, I accidentally rear-ended a BMW at a traffic light. The number plate was "Law Man." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina is "as clean as a dog's mouth." I'm not sure if that supposed to be a compliment or not. FML

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By fuundmental/// - Australia

Today, I was looking in my grandparents' drawers and cupboards to find a blanket, but instead found a stash of sex toys, and a male G-string with a horse on the front. The best bit? When you press the horse's nose, it neighs. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I dreamt I had a secret admirer whom I met in person. She had red hair, a plus size body and a beautiful smile. This would've been great if it weren't for the fact I was a straight woman. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was having a garage sale and my mother-in-law came by to see what I was selling. She decided to buy these ugly green wine glasses that were still unopened. It turns out that she gave those to my wife and I when we got married. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my friend why it's inappropriate to conduct a phone conversation while simultaneously eating a bagel, listening to music, and taking a shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after parking my car, I was informed by an incredibly hot girl that my tail light was faulty. I tried hitting it to make it work again. Guess who has 5 stitches and a smashed tail light? FML

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By Ohfknhell

It's a sign...

Today, I received a package from Amazon that was supposed to contain the book I needed for my open book final exam tonight. They must have mixed up my order, because the box contained a large pink dildo. I think the universe just told me to get fucked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was docked and fined in my dorm building because of multiple noise complaints. What was I doing that was so noisy? I slipped in the shower and banged my head against the floor. Then when I reached for the towel rack to pull myself up, it broke and I slammed my wrist onto the ground. FML

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By Rosie

Today, I discovered that you can vomit hard enough to break a rib and tear a ligament. Why was I barfing so violently? The stray cat I'm feeding has given me worms. I found one during "down there cleanup" time. I got laughed at by EMS, nurses, doctors, and my family. FML

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By pizzafreak18 - United States

Today, I went into the store where my boyfriend works. I saw him talking to a customer, his back was facing me, so I went up and smacked his butt. Turns out it wasn't him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at a family gathering, my aunt asked me when I was planning to have children. I'm only 16, I laughed and said not for a while, definitely not until I get married. My family shook their heads, and ignored me for the rest of the day. Apparently, teenage pregnancy is valued in my family. FML

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By aliixmaee - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. She took everything, including the kidney I gave her a year ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a small plane. A flight attendant told us that there was too much weight in the front of the plane and they needed 3 people to move to the back of the plane. I volunteer and walk to the back. She says, "Okay, we're going to need 1 more person." FML

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By LJ - United States

Today, my mother finally had her beloved Siamese cat cremated. The cat has been dead for over a week and she has been keeping it on her bed, stroking its fur and saying, "She looks like she's sleeping" and "She's so cold." To top it all off, she's been calling me by the cat's name for three years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat brought yet another chipmunk into our house. She never kills them, so they stay in our house until we either capture them or they escape. So far, she's brought in three squirrels, four chipmunks, four mice, and a snake. FML

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By juggalomurderer59 - United States

Today, at the gym, some muscle head idiot started yelling at the treadmill for not going fast enough, and I muttered "roid rage". Apparently said roids give him superhuman hearing, because he heard me from the other side of the room, and threatened to kill me. FML

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By ThatsNotGrass - Canada

Today, I was mowing the lawn while wearing gym shorts. Because I had no pockets, I tucked my phone into the waistband of my shorts. I didn't notice my phone had slipped until the lawnmower started making an awful sound. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on in a water park changing stall. A woman and a security guard barged in and angrily told us that there were children around. We were escorted out of the park wearing nothing but our swimsuits. FML

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By estephi - France

Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that the only reason he's with me is because I'm a good tattoo artist and he's too broke to pay for his own tattoos. We've been together for two years. FML

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By themildthings - Germany

Today, whilst working as a language assistant in Germany as part of my degree, some 9 year-old German kids asked me to please speak English to them because my German was so poor. FML

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By Franklin - United States - Fairbanks

Keeping it in the family!

Today, we got the results of our family's ancestry DNA tests. My father isn't related to me, but my grandfather is still my grandfather. Apparently grandma cheated on grandpa to get 'dad', and my mother cheated on 'dad' with my 'uncle' to get me. FML

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By FourKnees - United States

Today, I accepted an internship in Chicago and finished my final exams. I decided to play some pick up basketball one last time before summer. Within 2 minutes I got undercut going for a rebound and shattered my knee cap into 3 pieces. My summer in Chicago will be spent in a full leg cast. FML

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By CRC - United States

Damned freshmen

Today, a freshman set off the fire alarm in my dorm at 2 a.m. He tried to microwave Easy Mac without adding water. I had to stand outside for 45 minutes while the firemen moved the noodles to the sink and ran cold water over them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the school bus, I rapped on a window in an attempt to get my friend's attention. A guy sitting behind me took this as an opportunity to shove my face into the window, breaking my nose. FML

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Top comments

By draghkar | 16

#7508146 - Thursday 27 July 2017 0:48

If you would have mentioned it at the time, she would also be submitting to FML.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7508150 - Thursday 27 July 2017 1:03

You must really blend into the background – a valuable asset to ensure longevity in a corporate setting.

COMMENTS

By draghkar | 16

#7508146 - Thursday 27 July 2017 0:48

If you would have mentioned it at the time, she would also be submitting to FML.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7508150 - Thursday 27 July 2017 1:03

You must really blend into the background – a valuable asset to ensure longevity in a corporate setting.

By stayydomii | 21

#7508188 - Thursday 27 July 2017 3:09

Let's hope you get noticed more OP!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7508422 - Thursday 27 July 2017 12:04

That's good, you'll be getting away with mistakes if you're a newbie. lol

By Personguy01 | 11

#7508542 - Thursday 27 July 2017 14:29

How is that really bad?