Family, Smoking and Love: Today, my brother hugged me for the first time. Turns out he... - FML

By Anonymous - 07/10/2015 17:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother hugged me for the first time. Turns out he was patting me down to make sure I didn't have cigarettes. Love you too, bro. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 725

You deserved it 2 609

Family Smoking Love

Vulture

Dysfunctional

Broken heart

By Anonymous - 02/11/2010 16:26 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was the first time in four months since our baby was born, that I could really enjoy it. After we finished up we walked into the livingroom, where my white faced brother was sitting. He said we left the baby monitor on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 674

You deserved it 37 194

By wtf3456 - 31/08/2011 09:16 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because I didn't know what her favorite ice cream was. She says it proves I don't care enough about her. I don't think I've ever seen her eat ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 809

You deserved it 3 859

By driven_crazy - 12/12/2014 19:52 - United States - Newark

Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always uses them to rant at us and tell us to be better employees. When the speech began, the alarm I have set for my daily birth control went off. It's the sound of an obnoxious screaming child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 830

You deserved it 7 948

By nraecher - 23/03/2013 04:43 - Canada - Ajax

Spicy

Today, while making love to my boyfriend for the first time, I moaned his name. He freaked out over how I wasn't over my ex, and angrily left. They have the same name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 866

You deserved it 8 798

By f_n_fail - 06/12/2016 21:31 - United States

Today, I got a note from my son's kindergarten teacher. During free time yesterday, he told her, "Mommy was stripping". I was indeed stripping. Paint that is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 122

You deserved it 700

By Sock_Muppet - 06/04/2019 20:00

Today, I looked at my sister's Instagram story, and saw her, my brother, and my father all on a family road trip to Reno without me. I wasn't told anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 343

You deserved it 170

By Anonymous - 28/08/2019 14:00 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was sitting in my room when my dad walked in to talk. He said I'm not the son he'd hoped for, and that he'd been let down as a father. He said I should change the way I am so that he could love me more. It was the longest conversation I've had with my dad in years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 036

You deserved it 134

By Anonymous - 30/04/2012 02:53 - United States - Dallas

Today, I blacked out at a wedding as a bridesmaid, during the service. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 827

You deserved it 4 019

By Anonymous - 02/01/2014 21:50 - Puerto Rico - Arecibo

Today, my father took me out for some driving lessons. I accidentally reversed while still in the driveway, and I instinctively hit the brakes. In my panic, I accidentally let go of the brakes, and ended up reversing straight into our house, all while my father yelled "NOOOOOO!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 678

You deserved it 18 767

Karma

By Anonymous - 18/08/2021 00:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, my side chick decided to call my wife and inform her about the affair I was having, all because I slammed on the brakes in the car to avoid hitting a cat and made her spill her frozen yoghurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 181

You deserved it 3 621

By Anonymous - 05/12/2015 05:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, after about a year of keeping it a secret from my girlfriend, I told her about my foot fetish. She said "EWWWWWWWW!" and left. She's ignoring my calls and has changed her relationship status to single on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 421

You deserved it 6 494

By Anonymous - 27/10/2010 07:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, I decided to let in my new German Shepherd puppy inside to show the guest how adorable he is. In the middle of our conversation, he came running up to us with my vibrator in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 456

You deserved it 14 958

By ktin - 19/08/2010 12:02 - Australia

Today, I got wii fit, wii Mario kart and wii Mario galaxy for my birthday, I don't have a wii. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 382

You deserved it 4 854

By Stellarum - 18/08/2014 15:13 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I listened to a little girl explain how her scabs taste great with lemon juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 559

You deserved it 4 216

By Anonymous - 11/07/2016 07:58 - Bulgaria - Sofia

Today, my son finally got a job for the first time in his life. He only did it so he can upgrade his PC and buy Overwatch. He's 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 303

You deserved it 3 531

By girlwithaprob - 13/11/2010 21:45 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I was the only girl he'd ever text, call, or flirt with again. Later on he told two other girls exactly the same thing on Facebook, not realizing that everybody can read wall messages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 734

You deserved it 3 734

By merse - 18/02/2010 13:20 - United States

Today, my parents decided they won't pay for college because of a Fox News story that said higher education "makes you liberal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 945

You deserved it 3 132

By mcmanager - 11/08/2014 14:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a fast food manager, I saw one of my employees "trying to pick the bugs out" of our cookies. They were the raisins in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 686

You deserved it 3 596

By fatmom - 10/04/2013 13:26 - United Kingdom - Royal Tunbridge Wells

Today, I came home from work to find my son and his friends attempting to find out how many of them could fit into one of my pairs of pants. So far, five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 067

You deserved it 21 256

By hard_headed - 10/09/2010 10:02 - United States

Today, at work, I leaned back in a chair too far, causing me to tip over and smash my head into a wall. If that wasn't enough damage, my boss keeps replaying the security footage to everyone I work with. My head hurts not from the fall, but the loud laughter that keeps coming from inside the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 852

You deserved it 22 937

Doin' it for the 'gram

By My sister is a scumbag - 09/04/2021 17:00

Today, my sister refuses to talk to me because I didn't post her a "Happy birthday" in an Instagram story. It seems that the iPhone 12 I gave her as a present is just not enough. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 046

You deserved it 94

By Crash - 10/09/2014 20:15 - United States - Hicksville

Today, I took my daughter out driving to practice for her road test. I told her to make a left into a parking lot. She missed the 30 foot wide entrance, but not the two foot wide tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 770

You deserved it 4 031

By Roommate - 28/09/2016 16:03 - United States - Olympia

Today, my new roommate sent me a picture of our toothbrushes bristles touching with the caption "Look! I made them kiss!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 021

You deserved it 927

Find me someone to love

By Anonymous - 09/05/2021 22:01

Spicy

Today, I re-started the Grindr app several times because I wasn’t receiving notifications. Turns out it wasn’t malfunctioning, it was just that I didn’t get a single message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 726

You deserved it 319

Forever alone, forever

By AloneAtPerkins - 14/06/2020 05:04

Today, I realized that I've only had 3 men show interest in me: A blind man, a drunk, and a guy so desperate, he's been trying for over 5 years of solid "No"s. I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 216

You deserved it 339

By Homeless - 14/07/2009 02:16 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I toured our dream home. I was so excited about it that I posted all kinds of pictures of it on Facebook. My boss's daughter just called and said she loved my pictures so much she made an offer on the house. We were 1 week away from making an offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 021

You deserved it 34 067

By LoveSucks - 18/05/2019 21:54

Today, I went on a blind date. All my date would talk about was how he was 'really his own best friend'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 764

You deserved it 145

By Anonymous - 16/07/2015 14:47 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a surprise raise and a promotion at work. Hours after accepting, our company was raided by police on fraud charges. Due to my new managerial position, I had to get grilled by cops. I may not have a job at all next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 529

You deserved it 1 795

By petpeeeve - 11/03/2009 02:53 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in our relationship and it was great. He drove me back to my house and walked me to the door, then instead of kissing me goodbye he patted me on the back. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 113 708

You deserved it 10 231

By schellbytheseashore - 21/02/2009 07:30 - United States

Today, during a text conversation with a girl I've been trying to get with, she complained about how crummy of a day she was having. I told her it couldn't be as bad as she thought, and she would probably get it over it soon. Then she told me she had found out her cousin had been murdered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 101

You deserved it 13 319

By Gina - 02/04/2010 11:33 - Thailand

Today, I was in the shops and the lights all of a sudden went out. I got really scared for no reason because it was pitch black and grabbed onto my mum's hand. When the light's got turned on I was holding on to a random guy's hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 267

You deserved it 9 563

By blah blah - 28/02/2019 14:00

Today, I tried convincing my husband to spend his day off work with me because we both work a lot, and have almost no time to spend together. His literal response was, “I’d rather pick a shift up at work.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 405

You deserved it 250

By unknown - 09/11/2010 02:25 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's whole family. Between them they had about 10 teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 139

You deserved it 5 155

BIKES!

By Anonymous - 22/06/2021 08:01

Today, I’m doing the 5 km bike ride to the grocery store. As always, I'm well equipped: Shopping bags, shopping list, pen, sunglasses, hat, sunscreen, raincoat, tampons, tissues, lip balm, water bottle… Anything I forgot? Aaah, yes. Money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 826

You deserved it 237

By turnedintoinsomniac - 21/01/2011 19:46 - United States

Today, after months of living with my roommate's horrific snoring, I looked over to see her sleeping quietly. Elated that I might actually get a full night of rest for once, I went to bed. Just as my eyelids began to droop, she started making vile hissing sounds. Yes, hissing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 413

You deserved it 2 844

By crazybiotch - 28/05/2009 18:09 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I sent a forward to the ladies at my office. When I scrolled down I noticed my personal emails from my best friend were attached. They go into great detail about the sex I had last night, when I was planning on dumping my boyfriend and that I suspected I had an anal fissure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 706

You deserved it 61 049

The Dictator

By anonymous - 18/01/2012 05:06 - United States

Today, I discovered that my new landlords must meet and approve guests of mine before they come over, and guests are not allowed when they aren't home or past 11pm. I'm 25 years old and just moved out of my parents' home to get away from my controlling mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 064

You deserved it 4 097

By Anonymous - 09/10/2009 18:48 - United Kingdom

Today, the guy I'd been talking to online and liked came to my house party with a bunch of mutual friends. He spent the night sitting in the corner on the sofa talking to my cat. I woke up later to see that not only had he crashed for the night, but he'd curled up in the dog basket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 543

You deserved it 9 242

By Anonymous - 03/07/2019 16:04

Today, despite being the fittest member of my family, with a good exercise routine and a decent diet, I'm the only one who was just diagnosed with diabetes. Meanwhile, the rest of my family are fat, lazy slobs who eat like shit, but are otherwise healthy as horses FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 822

You deserved it 246

By ouch - 25/02/2009 23:29 - United States

Today, I had to rush to school to avoid being late. Unfortunately, I forgot to put a bra on beforehand, and as soon as I got to gym class, the first thing my teacher said was: "Okay folks, let's get outside, we're running the mile." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 787

You deserved it 39 582

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Top comments

Sizly 12

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Thursday 8 October 2015 12:02

Well, he was only looking out for you. Even if he doesn't show it, I'm sure he still loves you, OP.

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Thursday 8 October 2015 12:04

at least he cares about your health.

Comments

Sizly 12

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Thursday 8 October 2015 12:02

Well, he was only looking out for you. Even if he doesn't show it, I'm sure he still loves you, OP.

helptheorphans 17

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Thursday 8 October 2015 13:53

or he wanted one for himself...

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Thursday 8 October 2015 12:04

at least he cares about your health.

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Thursday 8 October 2015 12:08

Cigarettes suck Cigars rule!!!

Sizly 12

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Thursday 8 October 2015 12:33

That's like saying you prefer drinking your own piss over eating shit as it's more 'nutritional'

fuckedPriceless 17

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Thursday 8 October 2015 15:51

that's a terrible analogy, piss is sterile and feces is full of bacteria detrimental to our health when ingested. nothing at all like comparing cigars to cigarettes.

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Thursday 8 October 2015 18:09

constantly injesting either one will still kill you, whether by dehydration and build-up of toxins and waste, or massive infection, so it's still a pretty good analogy

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Thursday 8 October 2015 12:09

He doesn't want you to die, he cares...

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Thursday 8 October 2015 12:16

Look at the bright side, he's just looking out for you, OP

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Thursday 8 October 2015 12:17

At least he didn't find your weed

urbanbigfoot 20

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Thursday 8 October 2015 12:20

That is why I chew. Cigs interfere too much with physical performance.

grajax 24

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Thursday 8 October 2015 12:59

Chew isn't a whole lot better, buddy.

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Thursday 8 October 2015 14:29

Not in the least. Chew causes gum cancer, and in my opinion is a hell of a lot more disgusting than cigs. Especially when you're kissing someone, pukkeeee.

SneakySlayer 15

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Thursday 8 October 2015 16:26

Why the heck would you do any of those three ? They are all bad for your health and will only make you. Spend a lot more money once you get addicted . So I ask why? Is it because it makes you look cool? So your health is worth being cool ? I just don't under stand

mermaidkeels 26

Thursday 8 October 2015 12:58

Am I the only one that thought the OP's brother was patting him down so he could find cigarettes for himself and not because he was concern for his brother's health?

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Thursday 8 October 2015 15:21

I thought the same

_caffeine_addict 8

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Thursday 8 October 2015 20:04

maybe, but the way this fml is verbalized, i doubt it.

worldclassrager 39

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Thursday 8 October 2015 13:33

I don't see a problem here...

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Thursday 8 October 2015 14:51

This is actually great.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 7

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 9

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 316

You deserved it 78

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 613

You deserved it 79