Today, my boyfriend freaked out at me because he found a couple...

By innocent cat lady - United States

Today, my boyfriend freaked out at me because he found a couple of orange hairs in my bed and he knows my ex is a redhead. He also knows I have two orange cats. FML

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Love

Messed up

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Understanding

By Sickinbed - United States

Today, I was taking a nap in our country house. I was sick with a fever of 101.3. When I woke up, I see that my family had left to go back to the apartment. They forgot me. FML

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By girl on fire

Today, my idiot kid brother set my shirt on fire with a magnifying glass while I was taking a nap outside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend found out about my severe phobia of moths. It's so bad that I sometimes pass out. He caught a moth in a jar, and put it on my bedside table. I woke up, saw it, and had a panic attack. He recorded it all and wants to upload it to YouTube. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was given a DUI while in the Whataburger drive thru. FML

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By ABBenzin - United States

Today, I was breaking into a house when three police cruisers pulled up. They ran my social, my license plates, and asked me twenty minutes worth of questions, before allowing me to go back to work. I work as a locksmith; the homeowner had lost their keys. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, it was my birthday. I only got one message, from my dad, which was a sexual image meant for my mother. FML

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By That guy - 15/10/2020 17:01

So you had a bad day…

Today, I woke up early for work and spent 30 minutes frantically looking for my keys. I had to take a 30-minute Uber ride to work, then drove an hour in the company truck, only to be stood up. FML

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By bullllllshittttt - United States

Today, I went to a rave where apparently one of my favorite rappers was supposed to perform. I stood in line for 2 hours in the rain, got pushed and shoved, and had to witness a bunch of drunken idiots puke all over the place. Once I finally got to the front of the line, they closed the doors. FML

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By peapapeanut

Today, after months of my best friend telling me we were going to be roommates and moving to a new city together, with me trusting her, she ditched me because “everyone” told her not to live with me. She’s still moving, and we’re going to be in the same school and class. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tracy

Today, it took a whole half hour of scratching my head before I realized with horror that the weird tickling sensation I'd been feeling was actually a spider crawling around in my hair. FML

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By williebees - United States - Huntsville

Today, as I was about to walk across the street, a girl in front of me who clearly wasn't paying attention to the traffic, almost got run over. I grabbed her arm and jumped back. She was fine. I fell and fractured my arm and wrist. FML

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By Awkward - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I had to google the definition of transsexual just to know what the hell my friends were talking about. I need to read a book. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find The Sims 2 running on pause on my laptop. I unpaused to find my character and my boyfriend's were no longer together. Slightly confused, I went on to find the note my boyfriend left. It said, "I hope you can take a hint." I got dumped through a computer game. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I reached climax. While I was screaming, my 4 year old son comes in with his water gun because he thought I was in trouble. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Manchester

Today, I introduced my long-distance boyfriend of 2 years to my friends. I told him how my friends jokingly call him my imaginary Internet boyfriend. He thought it was so funny that when they met, he claimed to be my cousin, saying that I paid him to pretend to be my boyfriend. They believed him. FML

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By freckleboy422 - United States

Today, I got married and I'd invited everyone from work including my boss. His way of congratulating me was to mention that I'm out of a job. He said it was a good time to do it because he thought I would be too happy or too drunk to care. FML

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By NotSarahConnor - United States - Staten Island

Today, my boss thought it was funny to fire me by putting on dark sunglasses and saying "You have been terminated" in a bad Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. FML

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By NestHead - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML

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By Stress - 6/2/2020 14:00 - Hong Kong - Central District

Very important note

Today, the teacher said the class today was very important and that we should take note. Instead of writing notes, I bought a recorder and brought it to class. After class, I listened to the recording and all I could hear was muffled voices. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, my eight-year-old microwaved our thermometer to see if the temperature would change. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Hadley

Today, I was buying condoms but was a little embarrassed so I went to the self-check. I scanned the condoms, then a magazine and tried to put the condoms under the magazines to hide them. The store guy saw me, thought I was shoplifting and I was kicked out of the store. FML

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By lala456 - United States

Today, I had my noise-canceling headphones on and a girl sitting next to me raised her glass at me. I thought she meant "cheers". So I did a "cheers" with her. When I drank my juice, it was only then did I realize that she was trying to tell me the flight attendant had mixed up our drinks. FML

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By Iahim - 25/1/2020 14:00

The truth

Today, I tried to prank my girlfriend. I said, “I saw you kissing another guy!” She apologized. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Iowa City

Today, in the middle of sex with my boyfriend, my visiting brother knocked on the door saying he'd want to hear the details later. My boyfriend said, "Sure", and kept going. FML

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By jackson - United States

Today, I was woken up by my sister and her husband pretending to make moaning sounds in the room next to mine. I began to make moaning sounds as well to fight back. It turns out the "moaning" was actually their dogs snoring down stairs. Breakfast was awkward. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago Ridge

Today, a girl from my college, who's been following me around for months, finally asked me out. Not being interested, I politely declined. Now she's convinced everyone that we hooked up and that I have an incredibly small penis. FML

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By firedofbirthday - France

Today, I was fired. Why? Because I called in sick on my daughter's birthday, even though you cannot "abandon work for personal affairs". My boss's favorite employee got to skip work on his wife's birthday two weeks ago. He still works here. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML

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By Shiet - Singapore

Today, I found out that people are notified when you list them on Twitter. I've been listing people as "Interesting" and "Stupid". FML

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By mycedes - United States

Today, was the last day of the prank war between me and my husband. I told him the last prank needed to be the best one. I took a shower and tried to think up my last prank. When I got out of the shower, my hair was green. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my family and friends all laugh and compare me to Spongebob behind my back. Why? Because I'm 37 and still can't pass my driver's test. FML

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By vanessa_d15 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in his bed watching football when it went to commercial. He started kissing my neck and trying to get me turned on. Then I remembered we'd be going to visit his mom soon, where we'd be playing Wii. That thought turned me on more than my boyfriend did. FML

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By kebaby - United States

Today, I spent a long time steam-cleaning a mystery stain on my living room carpet. I turned the light on to get a better look at it, and realized that it was a shadow. FML

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By blah56 - United States - Vine Grove

Today, my husband put some photos of our wedding on Facebook. He named the album "FML". FML

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By BubbaYoshi117 - 7/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Kirkland

test light

Today, I was refilling my lighter. Afterwards, I gave it a test light. I must have spilled some fluid because my thumb caught on fire. FML

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By pizzaface - United States

Today, I looked at my face to see if my new age-defying lotion was working. My skin does look younger, it's covered in pimples like a teenager's. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while making deliveries, a lady answered the door stark naked and invited me in. I'm a young single guy so I went for it, but her husband was also there, ready to go with an enormous boner, so I ran to my van and went back to the depot. They reported me for bad customer service. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor about my bruised runners toes. She was inexperienced when It came to athletic injuries, so she googled my condition. I just paid to have her tell me exactly what I had already just googled before I left for my appointment. FML

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By granny_panties - United States

Today, I was folding the laundry. At one point, I had to take a moment to figure out whether a pair of underwear was mine or my mothers. I'm 18. She is 56. Enough said. FML

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By Dogmom

Today, I overheard my manager tell a customer that it's perfectly safe for dogs to eat grapes if they're seedless. I work in a pet store. FML

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Top comments

By not_your_taco | 15

#6343888 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 0:55

So that adds two more suspects to who you cheated on him with...

By MissRaindrop | 20

#6343947 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 1:50

That's not just a wrong conclusion. That's trust issues and insecurity. My husbands ex is blonde. We also have a golden retriever of the same color. When I find blond hairs I automatically assume my dog was there. Thinking his ex was in our house doesn't even cross my mind.

COMMENTS

By marcranger | 28

#6343857 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 0:48

I'd hate to insult blonds by asking if he is one--stupidity is indifferent to hair color, after all.

ItsDutch | 16

#6343913 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 1:07

Idiots come in all shapes and sizes my friend..

CaptainCrow | 13

#6344009 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 3:22

I am offensive and I find this blonde

mixedsubstances | 13

#6344109 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 5:45

ofc a blond finds this offensive cuz they would be stupid enough to be offended by something so trivial

Rebles | 15

#6344284 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 10:35

@34 I am found and I offend this blonde

CaptainCrow | 13

#6344379 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 14:20

#48 I offend blondes, find me

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6344675 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 19:52

#53 I find blondes offend me.

By Lars93 | 18

#6343858 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 0:49

sounds like he thinks this is quite CAT-astrophic

liv1222 | 29

#6344051 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 4:48

You should have known you'll get thumbs down for that pun...

steveo493 | 5

#6344143 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 6:32

this pun made me sad

By ChristinePi | 36

#6343863 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 0:49

Car hair and human hair are nothing alike. You might want to have a talk with him or break up with him if he trusts you that little.

A07 | 48

#6343987 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 2:45

Ah, the classic "break up with him" comment.

littlekellilee | 45

#6344033 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 4:18

We have Devon Rex cats. Their fur is curly and looks like pubic hair. It's pretty hilarious when someone visiting finds one somewhere, like in a table.

Catdragon | 40

#6344129 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 6:10

I was unaware that cars had hair.

Atomic69 | 6

#6344248 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 9:02

He got scared, and you want her to abandon him, because he got scared.
you need to reevaluate the way you treat people.
You wouldn't want a boyfriend of yours to abandon you, because you got scared.
trust and being scared aren't mutually exclusive.

DoomedGemini | 37

#6344704 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 20:17

As others have said, he had to be pretty untrusting to immediately jump to her cheating with an ex rather than thinking its just animal fur. Animals shed a lot, after all. I think most people would jump to cat rather than "OMG SHES CHEATING".