Today, my boyfriend freaked out at me because he found a couple...

By innocent cat lady - 7/7/2015 18:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend freaked out at me because he found a couple of orange hairs in my bed and he knows my ex is a redhead. He also knows I have two orange cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28068

You deserved it

2439

Favorite

Love

White line fever

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By Gloria - 9/6/2018 05:00

Today, I got home with my 3 best friends in tow, only to find my husband fast asleep on the sofa, porn playing on his laptop, his boxers around his ankles, and a sticky white mess all down his thigh. I am so beyond mortified I can’t adequately describe how embarrassed I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6181

You deserved it

803

Favorite

By a chick in California - 14/6/2012 20:10 - United States - Ceres

Today, all my guy friends kept hugging me tightly and then softly and then tightly again. I later found out they just wanted to feel my boobs on their chests. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35040

You deserved it

8642

Favorite

By Rachel - 12/2/2016 06:26 - United States - Burton

Today, I found out that every time my boyfriend has cutely joked about my clothes not matching while we're just lounging around the house, he's really been hoping I would catch on that he thinks I look like a slob. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18940

You deserved it

3707

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/8/2014 11:33 - Australia - Rooty Hill

Today, I succeeded in getting a seat on a crowded bus. I regretted this when, after a couple of stops, a big guy boarded the bus and stood next to me with his penis pressed against my shoulder. Longest. Bus ride. Ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42526

You deserved it

3987

Favorite

By anditburnsburnsburns - 27/8/2013 18:13 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I was in a rush, so I was removing my nail polish while using the toilet. Everything was going fine, until I used the toilet paper in my hand to wipe. It was covered in nail polish remover. It still burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39193

You deserved it

20662

Favorite

By Loner - 19/9/2017 19:30 - United States - Paramus

Today, my buddy congratulated me on getting a girl's phone number written on my arm. I was too embarrassed to tell him it was the number I needed to find my furniture at IKEA . FML

I agree, your life sucks

2817

You deserved it

457

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/8/2014 18:16 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't really take flute lessons after all. In related news, every time my best friend supposedly drives her to flute lessons, he's actually taking her to his house for a different kind of activity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55416

You deserved it

6596

Favorite

By kill me - 30/9/2018 03:00

Today, my dad overheard me and my girlfriend having a very personal conversation. His response was to burst into the room and ground me for a month for failing to get her to orgasm the last 3 times we had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3754

You deserved it

2282

Favorite

By Steephx0 - 22/3/2017 02:00

Today, I found out the "free" protein bars at my gym are actually for a fundraiser for children's cancer. I've been taking one every day for the past two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4431

You deserved it

3364

Favorite

By IPicasso - 27/3/2017 00:00

Today, my brother sent me over a dozen screenshots from his phone, because he couldn't work out why it wasn't capturing all the paint he'd managed to smear on the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3291

You deserved it

256

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/11/2014 00:04 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I asked my dad for advice. I recently got drunk and had a one-night stand. I feel terrible, because I'm engaged to a wonderful lady. My dad just said, "You did the right thing, son, keep it up. She's gonna steal half ya shit in the divorce anyway". FML

I agree, your life sucks

22712

You deserved it

34239

Favorite

By FML - 15/7/2009 14:29 - Syrian Arab Republic

Today, my long-distance boyfriend came to visit. We went to a cafe where I managed to lock myself in the toilet, breaking the key. I then had to wait for them to break down the door. I came out to applause from everyone, who had been laughing at me for 25 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38540

You deserved it

5272

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 16:52 - United States

Today, is my birthday and my friends and I went to our favorite pub to celebrate. As I'm a little broke at the moment, they all offered to buy me birthday drinks. Which I later learned meant that they would order them for me and bring it to the table, but put everything on my tab. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32406

You deserved it

2900

Favorite

By Sad Sally - 24/4/2012 11:22 - United States

Today, a therapist told me that I was too depressed to attend his depression group meetings. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33553

You deserved it

2947

Favorite

By mhogan - 10/3/2020 21:00 - Canada

The Laws of Attraction

Today, I was skiing and crashed into a tree. It was the only tree on the slope. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1251

You deserved it

463

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/1/2014 19:48 - United States - Maryville

Today, my wife and I were watching a football game. While someone was about to score, she started screaming, "Go!" and "Come on! You can do it! Go baby, go!" My first thought was that I wished I could still make her scream like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58775

You deserved it

12613

Favorite

By justgreatgirl - 11/6/2010 23:00 - United States

Today, I found out that even after a really bad break up and the fact that I left him for someone else, my parents offered my ex-boyfriend to join us on a one week family vacation. He agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34187

You deserved it

13455

Favorite

By guyssuck - 26/2/2013 19:11 - Canada - Yellowknife

Today, I'm 8 months pregnant with a horribly sore back and an insensitive husband. I'm so desperate for relief that I'm lying on the couch, using my vibrator to give myself a back massage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39093

You deserved it

4690

Favorite

By Anonymus - 31/1/2020 20:00 - Canada - Warkworth

Money first

Today, my "boyfriend" told me that he loves money more than me and would date it if he could. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1741

You deserved it

285

Favorite

By MexyBoy - 11/6/2019 16:08

Today, I wanted to do something nice for my mom. So, while she was sleeping, I cleaned the whole house for her and even made her breakfast. A few minutes later, she came downstairs and yelled at me to keep it down because she was trying to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1762

You deserved it

266

Favorite

By Erik Aleckson - 5/5/2019 02:00

Today, at my hotel job, I had to help a drunk naked guy back into his room. Earlier today, a fat old guy wearing only briefs came down to the lobby drunk as hell. I used to like my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1744

You deserved it

125

Favorite

By sadman - 5/2/2011 07:16 - United States

Today, I had a date with a girl I'd been seeing for about a month. When I got home, I saw her facebook status changed to "In a relationship". This made me kind of excited, until I realized it wasn't with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35892

You deserved it

3763

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/5/2014 19:51 - United States

Today, I was told that I'm very likely to win the "Most Likely to Exceed 5 Cats" yearbook award. My best friend said, "They wanted it to be 'Most Likely to Die Alone', but it was a bit harsh". Someone else added, "It's still pretty likely, though". FML

I agree, your life sucks

45634

You deserved it

4424

Favorite

By socargone - 17/1/2017 22:00

Today, I'm so bad at parking that I saw the guy next to me openly cringe as I pulled into a spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5306

You deserved it

1869

Favorite

By Sanchez - 7/1/2010 17:22 - United States

Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43326

You deserved it

2780

Favorite

By sleepless - 25/6/2019 20:00

Today, it's the third day that I can't sleep. Somewhere in my room, there's a mosquito craving for my blood, and every time I'm about to fall asleep, I can hear it flying around. I'm covered in bites, even in places that barely see the daylight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1715

You deserved it

146

Favorite

By alopez1994 - 21/4/2011 05:28

Today, I noticed this guy crying in the park. I went up to him to see what was wrong. Apparently his girlfriend broke up with him, and he also said he wanted to kill himself. My first response was "Don't, you'll regret it later in life". FML

I agree, your life sucks

35940

You deserved it

13725

Favorite

By strangeprincess - 9/9/2019 16:00

RIP, Moggie

Today, I had to put my cat to sleep after she was in an accident. While I was crying hysterically, the vet asked me for $230. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1717

You deserved it

260

Favorite

By chassezlenaturel - 24/3/2015 12:58 - Belgium

Today, my husband used the vacuum cleaner. Proud of him for this first-ever initiative, I congratulated him. His second initiative was to stick the nozzle on my ass, yelling, "Liposuction!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

33884

You deserved it

5537

Favorite

By MathTeacher - 2/5/2011 14:30 - United States

Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24994

You deserved it

45954

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/11/2017 05:00

Today, while making deliveries, a lady answered the door stark naked and invited me in. I'm a young single guy so I went for it, but her husband was also there, ready to go with an enormous boner, so I ran to my van and went back to the depot. They reported me for bad customer service. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6669

You deserved it

2662

Favorite

By awesome - 21/9/2010 04:49 - United States

Today, I ran over my neighbors' cat. I didn't want it to look like I killed it, so I put it under my other neighbor's car so it would look like they ran over it. The cat's owners were watching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9300

You deserved it

81016

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/10/2019 14:00

Not so ready to rumble

Today, my pro wrestling training class had come to a close and I was gathering my things outside of the ring. One of my fellow trainees got out of the ring on the side where there was nothing but giant stage lights. He knocked them over onto me, giving me my first pro wrestling injury. I’d always thought that would happen in the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1213

You deserved it

128

Favorite

By Colby - 15/11/2013 16:59 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I watched my mother tell a man that the holocaust was "a good thing" and "necessary for population control". That man was my girlfriend's father. Who is Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56407

You deserved it

3738

Favorite

By treegirl - 26/7/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

121728

You deserved it

39655

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/6/2020 05:02

M. Night Shyamalanadingdong

Today, I went to the bathroom after a terrible job interview. My interviewer walked in with another guy, talking about my interview, saying he was obviously going to hire the other guy because my odd-sounding name was too hard to pronounce, yet alone spell in multiple emails. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1810

You deserved it

116

Favorite

By UncleRory - 16/5/2009 09:13 - United States

Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay for my items, I noticed the cashier was very cute. Trying to be nice, I smiled. She smiled back and said "Hello, how are you?" Instead of saying "I'm good" or "I'm okay", I said "I'm gay". FML

I agree, your life sucks

65163

You deserved it

25451

Favorite

By stankness - 22/3/2013 15:01 - United States

Today, I had to endure a long face-to-face conversation with a coworker who had fierce BO. He had his fingers interlaced around the back of his head the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34221

You deserved it

2768

Favorite

By YouAssholes - 9/12/2013 23:25 - United States - Anaheim

Today, my band members and I were brainstorming ideas to help increase our fan base. My drummer suggested they replace me for someone attractive. Everyone agreed and now they are trying to kick me out of the band I started. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50497

You deserved it

3758

Favorite

By ellie - 23/2/2011 07:10 - Australia

Today, I got a missed call from a lady at an employment agency asking why I hadn't turned up to an information session for a potential job. Yesterday, the same lady told me the job position was canceled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30015

You deserved it

2471

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By not_your_taco | 15

#6343888 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 0:55

So that adds two more suspects to who you cheated on him with...

By MissRaindrop | 20

#6343947 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 1:50

That's not just a wrong conclusion. That's trust issues and insecurity. My husbands ex is blonde. We also have a golden retriever of the same color. When I find blond hairs I automatically assume my dog was there. Thinking his ex was in our house doesn't even cross my mind.

Comments

By marcranger | 28

#6343857 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 0:48

I'd hate to insult blonds by asking if he is one--stupidity is indifferent to hair color, after all.

ItsDutch | 16

#6343913 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 1:07

Idiots come in all shapes and sizes my friend..

CaptainCrow | 13

#6344009 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 3:22

I am offensive and I find this blonde

mixedsubstances | 13

#6344109 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 5:45

ofc a blond finds this offensive cuz they would be stupid enough to be offended by something so trivial

Rebles | 15

#6344284 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 10:35

@34 I am found and I offend this blonde

CaptainCrow | 13

#6344379 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 14:20

#48 I offend blondes, find me

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6344675 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 19:52

#53 I find blondes offend me.

By Lars93 | 18

#6343858 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 0:49

sounds like he thinks this is quite CAT-astrophic

liv1222 | 29

#6344051 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 4:48

You should have known you'll get thumbs down for that pun...

steveo493 | 5

#6344143 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 6:32

this pun made me sad

By ChristinePi | 36

#6343863 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 0:49

Car hair and human hair are nothing alike. You might want to have a talk with him or break up with him if he trusts you that little.

A07 | 48

#6343987 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 2:45

Ah, the classic "break up with him" comment.

littlekellilee | 45

#6344033 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 4:18

We have Devon Rex cats. Their fur is curly and looks like pubic hair. It's pretty hilarious when someone visiting finds one somewhere, like in a table.

Catdragon | 40

#6344129 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 6:10

I was unaware that cars had hair.

Atomic69 | 6

#6344248 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 9:02

He got scared, and you want her to abandon him, because he got scared.
you need to reevaluate the way you treat people.
You wouldn't want a boyfriend of yours to abandon you, because you got scared.
trust and being scared aren't mutually exclusive.

DoomedGemini | 37

#6344704 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 20:17

As others have said, he had to be pretty untrusting to immediately jump to her cheating with an ex rather than thinking its just animal fur. Animals shed a lot, after all. I think most people would jump to cat rather than "OMG SHES CHEATING".