Love: Today, my boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook... - FML

By Janie - 10/01/2012 05:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook to "Single" and his status to "I'm not kidding, leave your key on the counter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 469

You deserved it 4 003

Another great day to be alive

Psychotic

No more cheese before bedtime

By Anonymous - 04/10/2018 03:00

Spicy

Today, I found out why my husband is suddenly uninterested in sex. Apparently one of the secretaries at work has finally turned 18, and it's pretty much an open secret among his coworkers that they fuck anywhere from 2 to 5 times a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 023

You deserved it 491

By myleghurts - 12/11/2012 06:50 - Australia - Strathfield

Today, on my way to school, I was shouted at by an obnoxious businessman for sitting down on the train when a "full fare paying passenger" was standing. I would normally have given him the seat straight away, except I have a broken leg. I showed him my leg and crutches. He still made me get up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 380

You deserved it 3 481

By owch - 23/11/2015 21:21 - United States - Maumee

Today, I learned that if I take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will throw up all day. I also learned that if I don't take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will be in excruciating pain all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 266

You deserved it 1 536

By Laura - 03/05/2012 07:55 - France

Today, I saw my boyfriend spitting the mouthwash back into the bottle, because, "this stuff is really expensive." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 260

You deserved it 2 590

By cole66 - 29/11/2015 18:43 - United States - Knoxville

Spicy

Today, I realized that the "toothpaste" that I'm always cleaning out with my hands from the sink drain is actually my little brother's semen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 404

You deserved it 3 136

OK, bye then

By Anonymous - 08/10/2020 23:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years sprung the news that he had gotten a new job across the country and would be moving immediately. With his wife and children. First I'm hearing about them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 525

You deserved it 159

By jewel87 - 12/03/2010 16:39 - United States

Today, I decided to wear my Ugg boots to work. I forgot that my office is carpeted and that the fur in my boots makes me shock every metal thing I touch. I work with computers all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 762

You deserved it 35 920

By Araya - 17/11/2009 16:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a pig kidney dissection in Biology. I see a 'sack' which appeared to contain a liquid. Being the curious type, I cut open the sack, spraying said liquid over me and my desk. My teacher, after giggling, informed me that the liquid was in fact urine. I was pissed on by a dead pig. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 259

You deserved it 38 842

Crushed

By ozzii - 04/09/2019 22:00

Today, my friend pointed out that I’ve developed crushes on my last two bosses. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that before then, I had a secret crush on a professor back in college, too. Yet, I wonder why I’m single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 215

You deserved it 523

By maybenot - 06/08/2012 23:25 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst on a cycling holiday, in a somewhat hungover state, I accidentally chained my bike to the back of someone else's caravan. As I walked away, I heard a loud scraping noise. I turned around and watched my bike get dragged down a long gravel road and through a pile of horse shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 805

You deserved it 29 821

By ollie179 - 15/08/2011 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old son's tricycle was stolen. I looked up the street and saw a neighbour's kid riding it. I marched up, gently lifted him off it, gave him a stern lecture about stealing and brought the tricycle back home. The cops then showed up. Apparently, the kid has an identical tricycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 340

You deserved it 39 340

By Anonymous - 09/03/2012 18:12 - United States

Today, I found out that the gnat infestation in my dorm room was not caused by the recent cool weather, but rather the rotten pear I found under my roommates bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 694

You deserved it 2 549

By Dana - 29/01/2010 18:59 - United States

Today, it was very windy and snowy and the neighborhoods garbage cans were blowing everywhere. I had already brought mine in and I saw my neighbor's being blown away. Thinking I'd be nice, I went out to pick it up. Just before I could however, the wind smashed it into me and I fell on the ice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 038

You deserved it 3 188

By alejita - 02/03/2009 05:52 - United States

Today, I overheard my daughter compliment my mother by saying "My mom is way flabbier than you, Grandma." When I told her later that she hurt my feelings, she told me to "man up." She's seven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 053

You deserved it 9 810

By Nafypoo - 21/11/2018 22:00

Today, I was playing competitively for my clan in a tournament. Money is involved, and I was doing quite well until my girlfriend up and turned the PS4 off because I wasn't "paying enough attention" to her, despite being on a holiday with her for the previous 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 390

You deserved it 900

Drink it instead!

By SpitBreathe - 25/10/2020 14:00 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Today, I found out why the amount of mouthwash hasn't been decreasing much recently when I walked in on my dad using it and then spitting some of it back in the bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 202

You deserved it 64

By Anonymous - 28/02/2015 14:16 - Denmark - N?rresundby

Today, I sharted during my wedding vows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 615

You deserved it 5 109

By wetsheets - 07/01/2013 13:01 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Spicy

Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making me orgasm with a full bladder, therefore intensifying the experience. He was right, it was mind blowing. It also made me piss the bed for the first time in twenty-odd years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 912

You deserved it 7 644

By Meowit - 07/09/2014 03:06 - United States - Livonia

Today, it's my birthday, and everyone, family and friends, forgot. Except my dog who left me a present on my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 579

You deserved it 3 191

You can't win

By fatty fatfuck - 10/05/2020 17:00

Today, after losing my job and being quarantined alone, I realized I've gained quite a bit of weight due to depression. I decided to do something about it and walk around my neighborhood. A group of teens followed me laughing and hurling insults until I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 175

You deserved it 187

By Laundrylady - 18/08/2009 20:52 - United States

Today, I was at the laundromat doing my clothes when I noticed a cute guy next to me. I tried to be a ninja and sneak my sock into his basket so I could start a conversation with him. He saw me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 446

You deserved it 71 364

By Ananimus - 26/08/2015 12:31 - United States - Peekskill

Spicy

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years saying he only dates me because "sometimes jerking off just ain't good enough". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 455

You deserved it 2 358

Liability

By Anonymous - 18/10/2021 11:00

Today, my friend broke ties with me after I came out of the hospital from attempted suicide. She was the one who called the police for me to go in there in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 745

You deserved it 295

High Times

By Anonymous - 08/09/2020 10:01 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I got hit by a car while I was on the phone. I was sat at a bus stop. The driver was high and lost focus lighting another blunt. My family and some friends are mad that I'm pressing charges and making weed look bad in the media. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 943

You deserved it 346

By anonymous - 16/08/2015 03:16 - United States - Rock Hill

Today, we learned that our dog can run and urinate simultaneously. The entire house smells like piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 228

You deserved it 2 072

Feeling faint

By jacey - 12/06/2021 02:01

Today, I discovered that my body will go straight to “weak and lightheaded” before it even considers “hungry.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 769

You deserved it 66

By SadAndAlone - 03/12/2015 16:41 - Sweden - Nacka

Spicy

Today, I got the most action I've had in months when a stranger fondled my thigh on the subway. It was a blind man, searching for empty seats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 554

You deserved it 1 964

By Anonymous - 09/05/2016 03:02 - Canada - Fort Smith

Today, for Mother's Day, I surprised my Mother with the news I that I'll be visiting in June. The last time we got to visit was 4 years ago, we live 4000 miles apart and it's a very expensive trip. She said, "No, come next June, I want to lose some more weight before seeing you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 471

You deserved it 1 121

By Silbax1 - 27/10/2014 15:40 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I overheard my co-workers talking about how they don't need flu shots because everyone else gets them. These people are in the medical industry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 440

You deserved it 3 470

By Temporalvisions - 13/07/2017 16:30 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was showing off the Mount Kilimanjaro tattoo that I got after climbing it. It's a silhouette of the mountain and the word "KILI" in bold. My girlfriend told her friends it was actually the Lonely Mountain from The Hobbit, and that Kili was my favorite dwarf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 584

You deserved it 1 476

Great balls of fire

By Ouch - 19/01/2017 08:19

Today, my hand is covered in blisters because my boyfriend thought it would be fun to set an old insurance card on fire. Out of panic, he slapped the card against the wall in a failed attempt to put it out. Also out of panic, I slapped the flaming wall with my bare hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 928

You deserved it 1 989

Renters' rights

By Anonymous - 24/01/2021 11:01

Today, I’m a student renting a room in an old lady’s house. The other lodger, who arrived a few weeks later, hates my guts now because my room has a tiny old TV and hers doesn’t. It wasn’t even my choice to take this room, it was decided by the landlady. But sure, I’m an evil, TV-hogging bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 856

You deserved it 64

By Username - 01/05/2011 08:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I grabbed my t-shirt off the floor beside the bed and got up to walk my boyfriends dog. After several trips around the block and plenty of strange looks I got back upstairs and saw the used condom stuck to my sleeve from the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 430

You deserved it 46 148

By ewww - 30/07/2011 14:07 - United States

Today, while using the restroom at McDonald's, a hand reached under my stall and took the remaining toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 664

You deserved it 4 007

By unlucky - 03/09/2014 17:40 - United States - Cold Spring

Today, I was working at the daycare. As I left with my boyfriend, a kid came up to us and said that my boyfriend could do way better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 698

You deserved it 3 905

By badhairday - 26/12/2010 01:38 - United States

Today, after months of her begging me, I let my girlfriend cut my hair for the first time. It turned out so badly that we are now "taking a break until it looks normal again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 639

You deserved it 5 884

By psychortiz - 03/06/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I allowed my five-year old daughter to paint my fingernails during a living-room "picnic" we were having. A while later I got called back in to work for an emergency meeting. When I arrived at the meeting I noticed my fingernails were still neon-green. I am a 40-year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 369

You deserved it 16 579

By childhoodupinsmoke - 30/11/2012 03:35 - United States - Austin

Today, I realized that the comforting, unique scent of my mother in my childhood was actually the smell of the marijuana she smokes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 043

You deserved it 3 485

By Kate - 05/04/2019 22:00 - United States - Exton

Today, my dog showed me her latest kill. Too bad it was the stuffed animals my dead grandmother had given me as a child that had a lot of sentimental value to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 079

You deserved it 379

By itsnotthatIhatecharity - 26/08/2017 23:15

Today, I found out that because I, like many others, don't read the terms and conditions, I accidentally donated £200 to a charity because of a non-refundable payment on a volunteering trip. It's my parents' money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 005

You deserved it 3 074

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 12:10

Chage your relationship to "Single" as well, and then as a status write "The key is on the counter, along with your penis enlargement pills. Going to feel what a real man is like. Your brother says "hi"." FYL though. Better off without a tosser like him.

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 11:42

Lol? Pussy was too cowardly to do it face to face? You deserve better

Comments

evaki1 12

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 11:40

Bad romance? Facebook'd?

xXxIracebethxXx 14

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 11:45

Nope. Just a cowardly douchebag of a (now) ex-boyfriend. OP, don't even bother with this immature fool. Not worth your time at all.

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 12:18

I agree with 4. If someone is enough of a pussy to break up over computers or texting, they deserve to be forever alone. Op you will find love somewhere, and I hope things get better.

AnonymousTroll 2

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 12:46

Keep the key, ruin whatever other relationship he's having.

xXxIracebethxXx 14

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 13:12

#24 - No. If OP were to do that, she would be just as immature as her ex. She should be the bigger person here and try her best to move on from him. Period.

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 14:20

#17 alone forever is a little harsh don't you think? For all we know OP could've been cheating on her boyfriend for years. he probably was to pussy to say it to her face so he did what any cowardly man would do...from a distance

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 14:44

That's why I stay away from the main social networks...what happened to doing things face to face?

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 15:25

The way op's bf phrased the status makes it sound like he's tried to break up with her before and she didn't believe him. I vote op is a class 5 stalker in denial over the bf being a cowardly douche.

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 23:51

61 - Exactly. Everyone immediately takes the OP's side, but we never know. She probably cheated on him or she's just fucking annoying.

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 4:07

121 Agree. If someone were doing this as an act of cowardice it wouldn't be so blunt and rude. Sounds like she did something and his response was to do it in the most disrespectful public way he could think of...Or maybe hes just a douche. We will never really know for sure...

AmbrosiaWriter 17

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 18:09

Actually, the way the OP phrased it made me think he knew that people change their facebook status as jokes/it might look like a friend got onto his facebook and changed it (because, you know, he was too much of a PUSSY to talk to her on the phone/face-to-face) therefore, he said he wasn't kidding. Context.Context.Context.

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 11:42

Lol? Pussy was too cowardly to do it face to face? You deserve better

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 11:55

Is it weird that I imitated the fat butcher from "wanted" while typing out this post? "here pussy pussy pussy pussy... Here pussy pussy pussy pussy..." *and then knifed op's ex-boyfriend to pieces from the back, then disappears*

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 13:20

Yes, it is weird.

madgrinchhatter 12

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:25

Very weird. Or at least esoteric

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 18:34

Oh yeah since a certain someone is not on fml right now, I shall help him type in his usual line: "MAN CARD FUCKING REVOKED"

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 18:43

Yeah, I agree, unless she didn't deserve the time of day. (ex. op's ex didn't want to hear a dumb excuse as to why op cheated on him.)

RoseTintMyWorld 8

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 11:45

What a dick.

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 12:31

I think he wanted to avoid the whole crying part and just skip through to the "i hate you get away from me" part.

Wreckless_fml 6

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 14:56

That's what she said.

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:52

52: No, just no.

ArielTheMermaid 17

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 1:14

Wow what a jerk! Sorry OP

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 6:46

OP should make a copy of the key and trash the boyz house :)

Infamous_Hawk 6

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 11:46

What a jerk. You deserve better...

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 18:33

Least he didn't finish with: "... And give me back the ruby ring with the big diamond"

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 18:45

Why shouldn't a girl give that back? Ive thought about it long and hard, does it really make sense for people to keep their wedding rings or engagement rings after their relationship falls apart?

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 3:36

Who the fuck is too pussy to break up face to face what a dick

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 4:34

She deserves far worse. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe she is so abrasive that he does not want to listen to her shrill voice as she falls apart from being dumped?

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 12:48

#139 you should still man up and do it face to face not on Facebook that's just stupid

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 11:46

What a douchebag. Tell him to man up for once and not be such a keyboard warrior. I'm sorry OP, you deserve better and will find someone better. Unless of course you did something extremely horrible to deserve what he did.

iArmy 6

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 14:02

Haha, keyboard warrior. Reminds me of when I played WoW.

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 11:57

there is no excuse for that. what a pussy

thisisafunnyname 12

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 13:27

Unless OP is literally a murderous psychopath with extreme anger management problems who always carries a switchblade.

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:28

Touche

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 17:38

Even then just make a phone call. Don't do it publicly.

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 18:48

Pentium_4... Ur hot

SaMmIMonster96 6

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 2:03

I'm a crazy psychopath that carries s knife everywhere o.O u got something against me?? Haha I'm kidding about the question :)

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 4:09

87 Publicly is your best chance of surviving...If nobody else knows then she may try to keep it that way...

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 11:59

Does everyone resort to Facebook for everything now days? Damn!

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 12:45

Makes shit official

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 12:04

What's the link?

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 12:08

Ha ha ha, Zackenberg is a freaking GENIUS.

rulezdunmatter 12

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 12:12

Zuckerberg*

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 12:47

Who cares? ^

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 14:30

Looks like we have another asshole here...

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 4:08

Or just an idiot

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Thursday 12 January 2012 17:03

All he did was tell the truth. The guy is a genius lol

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 12:10

Chage your relationship to "Single" as well, and then as a status write "The key is on the counter, along with your penis enlargement pills. Going to feel what a real man is like. Your brother says "hi"." FYL though. Better off without a tosser like him.

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 13:18

Tossed? And yeah tell it like "no strings attached" is!

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Tuesday 10 January 2012 17:59

That just made my day!!! Hahaha

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Wednesday 11 January 2012 8:27

That is the absolute best revenge ever

sparklecherry 4

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Thursday 12 January 2012 15:37

Excellent comeback.

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Thursday 12 January 2012 19:54

Hahaha! Brilliant! Such a good comeback

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Thursday 12 January 2012 23:39

Brilliant

writergirl23 19

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Sunday 25 March 2012 20:53

Lol that is if he's still friends on facebook with her.

narutoxhinata109 5

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Saturday 27 April 2013 6:04

This is probably the greatest comment in response to and FML I've ever read! Lol

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 39

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 23

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97

You deserved it 25

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 412

You deserved it 23