Love: Today, my boyfriend called me to come over because we "needed... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 460

You deserved it 122

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 189

You deserved it 1 612

24/11/2009 16:08

Today, my boyfriend called me to come over because we "needed to talk." Going down the stairs, I tripped and fell. I woke up from unconsciousness with a hurting leg and my boyfriend standing over me. Just as I was about to smile and ask for a kiss, he said, "Maybe we should take a break" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 407

You deserved it 3 352

You tried

There's no helping some people

Dementia or hate? You decide

31/12/2014 20:59

Today, I got a letter from my long time boyfriend asking me to meet him at the place we first met for a "surprise". I can't remember where that even is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 532

You deserved it 12 856

20/07/2016 17:20

Today, my daughter decided to drench our carpets with water, to "make them grow like plants". She's 9. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 526

You deserved it 1 695

28/06/2012 17:36

Today, I woke up to a punch in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 850

You deserved it 4 569

08/11/2018 22:00

Today, my landlord sent me a text asking me to please keep it down because our loud Wednesday night sex sessions are disturbing other tenants in the building. Wednesday is my night shift every week so my wife is home alone, or at least I thought she was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 188

You deserved it 260

It's about time

By peetime - 24/07/2021 02:01

Today, I was in the car with my mom taking the dog to the vet, when he peed on me. We were taking him there because he hadn't peed in three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 839

You deserved it 71

08/02/2017 14:00

Today, after months of trying to convince my violent bipolar antisocial neighbors to crack a window when they smoke pot, I'm now living without any heat to avoid being blasted by pot smoke from the heat vents day and night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 570

You deserved it 1 111

12/10/2013 16:17

Today, I got dragged to dinner with my grandparents. It was awful from the start, but things took a turn for the worse when my grandpa went to give me a kiss on the cheek as we left. I could clearly see lice crawling around in his beard, and I couldn't stop it from touching my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 941

You deserved it 3 945

17/03/2009 02:09

Today, I was with my grandma waiting in a line. She only speaks Chinese and there was a black man in front of us talking his phone. My grandma tells me that the black man's really loud and annoying. The man finishes and turns and said fluently in Chinese, "What's wrong with loud black men?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 082

You deserved it 31 843

22/11/2010 02:33

Today, I spent an hour at work trying to make a tortoise poo. When he finally did, I was so excited and felt pretty triumphant. Then I realized that my job was to make animals drop their load. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 738

You deserved it 5 143

10/03/2015 06:02

Today, I overcame my lack of social confidence and got a date for the first time in 10 or so years. After a while, my date admitted that she's a schizophrenic with dissociative identity disorder. I guess it's back to being single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 311

You deserved it 7 306

10/02/2009 06:20

Today, a customer at one of my tables left his phone number and a smiley face on the credit card slip. I was completely flattered until I looked at the bottom of the slip and realized that he had left me a $0.26 tip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 523

You deserved it 3 066

24/01/2014 05:15

Spicy

Today, I was applying for jobs online when my father called. When I told him what I was doing, he said in all seriousness that I should just be a sugar baby. I said he must be joking, but he replied, "Honey, if I had your tits, I'd never work a day in my life." 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 46 894

You deserved it 5 116

15/04/2009 06:19

Today, I saw a commercial for some sort of meaty beef dish. The camera zoomed in and my mouth watered because it looked so delicious. Then flashed the next scene: golden retrievers running through a field and eating from their bowl. My mouth just watered for a dog food commerical. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 404

You deserved it 24 407

03/11/2017 14:00

Today, at an 8 a.m. spin class, I knelt on the floor to set up my bike. The bike next to me was too close, and while the girl on it was pedaling to warm up, she pedaled down hard onto my heel, breaking my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 810

You deserved it 447

04/06/2011 19:48

Today, I received a phone call at work about an emergency and I had to come home immediately. I arrived to find that no one had been hurt and the house hadn't burned down. The "emergency" was my mom ran out of milk and cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 831

You deserved it 3 300

Acting is hard work

By S. Dub - 10/04/2020 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that I needed to moan louder so that he knew I was enjoying it. Reluctantly, I put a little 'umph' into my moans during the next round. He pulled out and said, "It's just awkward now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 781

You deserved it 272

14/10/2010 03:08

Today, I allowed my friend to practice driving in my car. As she began to let the car roll forward, she looked at me and very seriously asked, "Brakes is the right pedal, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 973

You deserved it 29 930

23/01/2010 16:09

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and after 10 seconds he gave up and said "This is more tiring than I expected". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 211

You deserved it 3 431

19/08/2009 09:08

Today, and for quite some time, my girlfriend has been telling me that she needs to go home each night to take care of her cat. Taking care of her cat is, it seems, an euphemism for having it off with her neighbor Tom since her cat died three months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 559

You deserved it 3 779

22/06/2009 23:41

Today, my husband and I were getting it on when we heard a little giggle. I put on my robe and looked outside my room to find that no one was there. So we continued. I later called my seven year old son and out he came crawling from under the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 299

You deserved it 11 750

14/02/2011 06:24

Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 940

You deserved it 10 049

02/02/2014 16:13

Today, the highlight of my day was when I figured out that my little brother's toy dump truck could actually dump stuff out. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 526

You deserved it 7 703

27/08/2014 22:57

Today, a schoolmate I've always secretly hated came over to my place to hang out. She found her way to my room and instantly noticed my dartboard, which I'd taped a picture of her face onto. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 789

You deserved it 47 172

28/04/2015 05:24

Today, during my shift at work, I started to feel really sick and started throwing up. While I had my head in a bag, I had several customers ask me for directions and another customer abuse me for my lack of service. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 039

You deserved it 2 434

28/06/2009 01:00

Today, I was sitting at the park with a friend when a small child approached us. Just as moved off the bridge to let the kid play, he asked if I would like to play the troll under the bridge. I laughed and said no thanks, to which the kid responded 'but there is nobody else ugly enough.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 270

You deserved it 4 356

All I need to do…

By Dreamblocker - 28/06/2021 22:00

Spicy

Today, I was having an intense erotic dream. It was going great until I thought, "I hope this isn't a dream." This caused me to wake up. This isn't the first time I've cockblocked myself in a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 931

You deserved it 161

15/11/2011 14:38

Today, I was cleaning mouse remains from the kitchen floor, left by my cat. I found a small round thing nearby. With no idea what it was, I picked it up and gave it a little squeeze to see if it was solid. It wasn't, and burst with great force onto my face. I'm pretty sure it was an eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 961

You deserved it 17 379

19/01/2019 14:00

Today, I stopped and helped a young lady stuck on the side of the road. Guess who got accused of forcing myself and got charged with impersonating a police officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 453

You deserved it 251

13/07/2011 05:02

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend, who is very self conscious about her body, finally decided to have sex with me. She told me to wait a few minutes, so I did. I stripped and turned around to find her in a one-piece swimsuit, with a hole cut out of the crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 545

You deserved it 8 480

29/06/2016 22:12

Today, a guy who likes me a little too much, and who I asked to tone his advances down a little, sent me a message on Twitter, Facebook and by text message to apologize. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 328

You deserved it 1 017

23/02/2010 20:36

Today, I was looking down at my chest and noticed the hairs growing upon it. For a 16 year old, it's pretty impressive. It's a shame that I'm a girl though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 430

You deserved it 3 294

03/07/2014 00:59

Today, I opened my window due to the good weather. I was lucky enough to listen to the sounds of someone violently throwing up for over an hour. The window got stuck open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 433

You deserved it 4 498

26/01/2010 00:15

Today, my ten year-old brother told me that his thirteen year-old friend took one of my bras and two pairs of my underwear a few weeks ago. Apparently he took them out of my room, put them on, and has been sleeping with them ever since. He's coming to give them back tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 927

You deserved it 2 577

17/08/2018 23:00

Today, my girlfriend's grandparents walked in on us getting intimate. She immediately ran to the bathroom, leaving me alone with them. They only speak Spanish, which is not my first language. We discussed the movie she and I were "watching", all while I was naked under the sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 143

You deserved it 447

16/09/2011 05:40

Today, my mom decided to only speak to me through our pet cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 139

You deserved it 2 732

23/10/2009 04:22

Today, I was walking down the street in downtown Charleston where there are a lot of horse-drawn carriage tours and I decided to pick up some litter. Some of it was in a puddle of water, but after I picked up the trash, I realized the puddle was horse urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 148

You deserved it 9 336

Rejection

By creditwhore - 24/02/2010 19:13

Today, I decided to apply for a credit card to help build up my credit rating. It seemed smart since I'm a 24 year-old college graduate. I was rejected for not having a credit history. Being rejected turns out to hurt your credit history. The irony of my predicament is too great for words. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 565

You deserved it 2 871

28/10/2010 03:27

Spicy

Today, I woke up cold. The guy I had sex with last night stole my blanket. He also took everything out of my freezer, and all of my soap, shampoo, and conditioner. The number he left me was for a pizza place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 271

You deserved it 34 925

30/06/2011 23:08

Today, I saw a pink, slimy thing coming out of my dog's knob. I got really freaked out so I took him to the vet, only to find out that it was his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 658

You deserved it 63 884

24/02/2013 07:53

Today, I was holding the door open for a friend. She told me to wait a second because she had to finish a text. Nearly a minute passed before I asked why she wouldn't come inside to finish typing. We were at a Chinese restaurant. She thought the "No MSG" sign meant you couldn't text inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 337

You deserved it 4 003

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Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:25

if he's that insensitive....good riddens to bad rubbish!

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Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:45

THAT SUCKS! lol why are all you guys ^^ so insensitive? "YDI for being clumsy AND dating an asshole" thats just plain mean

Comments

allmidnighteyes 10

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Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:06

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:31

FMJ FTW

Elizabeth123654 0

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Thursday 29 July 2010 6:51

you got that from the Officer and the Gentleman.

KennyMcCrmick322 0

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Saturday 10 December 2011 0:32

I thought #1 got it from family guy when the guy said that to stewie about quahog when him and Brian joined the army

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Monday 19 December 2011 14:43

Fuck off, douchebag. I'm pretty sure anybody from Texas could kick your ass.

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Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:12

Shoulda smiled faster.

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Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:25

if he's that insensitive....good riddens to bad rubbish!

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Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:39

YDI for being clumsy AND dating an asshole

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Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:45

THAT SUCKS! lol why are all you guys ^^ so insensitive? "YDI for being clumsy AND dating an asshole" thats just plain mean

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Wednesday 25 November 2009 9:57

I hate sexists like you, not all men are insensitive.........like gays......and french people.

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 4:42

Okay, men are assholes. We still fuckin own you. Now go make me some chicken nuggets.

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Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:46

OUch

settingjunefree 0

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Tuesday 24 November 2009 21:03

I am so sorry! That's just horrible! I'm accident-prone myself, so I feel your pain for tripping and such...but the guy thing is just dreadful. For those who are YDI for dating an ass, people's true colors don't always show early or even for a long time. My sympathies...

alexandraa_fml 0

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Tuesday 24 November 2009 21:46

How is the guy being mean and insensitive? It just sounds like she shortened the story,. just because she fell doesnt mean the guy should have to hold off on what he was planning on doing in the first place.

13yearoldpridigy 1

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Saturday 6 April 2013 8:55

#9 and #12, I totally agree with what you are saying. Just because she hurt herself doesn't man he should prolong what he wanted to do. All they people saying he's a jerk are wrong. Yeah, he's a jerk because he wants to beak up with his girlfriend.

Burberryhype 20

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Wednesday 10 December 2014 17:47

At least what he can do is to help her up first without leaving her lying on the floot?

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Wednesday 25 November 2009 0:45

HA!

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Wednesday 25 November 2009 1:23

YDI. I can't count the number of times this happened to my girlfriends. "We need to talk," is not secret code for go hurt yourself. "We need to talk," means _I_ want to help with MY problems not make more of yours (as if we didn't have enough already). Your boyfriend is awesome for not being controlled by your pityfest and being punny on top of it.