Today, my boyfriend called me to come over because we "needed... - FML

By Yes - 24/11/2009 16:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me to come over because we "needed to talk." Going down the stairs, I tripped and fell. I woke up from unconsciousness with a hurting leg and my boyfriend standing over me. Just as I was about to smile and ask for a kiss, he said, "Maybe we should take a break" and left. FML

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Superficial World

Dad jokes, part 43884

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By rained - 2/2/2009 05:44 - Hong Kong

Today, I drove an hour in a rainstorm to go see my boyfriend. Thirty minutes and a blow job later, he tells me he's going to meet some friends for dinner in half an hour then kicks me out of his house. It's still raining. FML

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By karmaaa - 16/10/2014 20:56 - United States - Huxley

Today, I was driving with my grandma and she was going 30 over the speed limit. To slow her down, I said, "Hey look, the police". She slammed on the brakes so hard I hit my head on the dashboard. FML

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By oopsies - 8/1/2010 01:07 - United States

Today, after having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, we went downstairs to find his parents had come home early and had heard everything. I then received a long scolding from his mother of how I'd disrespected her house. My boyfriend received a high-five and a thumbs-up from his dad. FML

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By nofunforme - 25/6/2019 12:00 - United States - Candler

Today, I was having fun while home alone, until my dog heard my vibrator and tried to attack me. FML

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By Frazzled - 10/4/2011 10:59 - United States

Today, after three days of hospital camping with my very sick husband, he was finally out of danger when I left last night to get my first good night's sleep in almost 96 hours. He woke me at 5 a.m. with a phone call asking me to bring him comic books because he's bored. FML

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By Nic - 17/11/2009 06:34 - United States

Today, after sleeping in, I finally sorted through a stack of mail I had been putting off and I found a Jury summons. Thinking it must be coming up soon, I checked the date, my appearance is scheduled for 7:45am on November 16th. Today is November 17th. FML

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By waterlogged - 22/9/2010 04:14 - United States

Today, my entire region received record rainfall, with torrential downpours all day and night. Today was also the day I discovered my car's sunroof leaks, when I was greeted with two inches of standing water in my floorboards. FML

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By hopeless - 26/2/2011 06:49 - United States

Today, I cheated on my math exam. I still failed. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, I called the police regarding people speeding down my street because I was worried for my young kids. On the way home from my daughters ballet class I got pulled over 2 houses away from my house and got a $150 speeding ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2017 01:30

Today, my 1-year-old son walked up to me with a disgusted look on his face. I could tell he had something in his mouth so I pulled it out. He'd been sucking on a piece of cat poop. FML

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By anonymous - 22/4/2011 10:50

Today, I was on the train to work. I was up late the night before, causing me to doze off. When I woke up, I was at my station. I stood up, went to walk out of the door and fell flat on my face on a platform full of people. Someone had tied my shoelaces together. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2019 04:00

Today, I saw a teenager knock over a woman, so I rushed over to help her up. Turns out, she had a knife and thanked me by stealing my wallet and phone. FML

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By TacoMan32 - 6/12/2016 04:26 - Canada

Today, after months of unemployment, I finally started at a new job. The building burnt down on my very first shift. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2014 00:20 - Australia - Spearwood

Today, at the café I work at, I was yelled at by a woman because the drinks and food she ordered were "taking too long". Before I had the chance to get a word in, she stormed out and said she would never come back. I didn't get the chance to inform her that she hadn't ordered yet. FML

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By Victor - 9/9/2009 12:32 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in my last period class. When I woke up my teacher said "you missed your bus". I grabbed all my stuff and ran out the room. My class mates were standing outside the class laughing. We still had an hour left in class. FML

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By kat - 31/10/2012 11:30 - United States - Ocala

Today, the bar owner I work for told us to pay better attention to our drunk patrons, and to start cutting them off. A fellow bar maid asked how we are supposed to tell when it's time. He pointed at me and said, "When they start hitting on her, they're too drunk to drive." FML

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By BadTime - 30/8/2011 09:35 - United States

Today, my wife tried to refill the windshield wiper fluid on her own. However, she poured it where the oil goes. Now the car is having major issues. Last week I lost my job, and I have no idea how much this is going to cost to fix. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2015 06:42 - France - Cateri

Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before having sex. When I came home, I realised he must have married my roommate. FML

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By ouch - 26/3/2011 02:27

Today, my cat fell into the bathtub while walking along the rim. This wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't in it at the time, and if my skin was immune to being sliced open by a frantic kitty. FML

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By FuckSteakNShake - 6/6/2017 16:00

Today, I was fired, all because I asked my manager for help on the line when we were short staffed and he was on his butt in the office. He said it wasn't his job to help us. Apparently, asking your manager for help when you're busy gets you fired. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2010 14:14

Today, I told my students that I would be taking a few weeks off because a member of my family is very ill. They all cheered. FML

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By anonymous2.0 - 12/10/2012 06:15 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I asked my husband to come upstairs to our bedroom, thinking I could get some "special time." It ended up with us arguing about his mother, and him falling asleep cuddling my pillow while sucking his thumb. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was complaining of a scorpion sting on his leg. I told him to stop whining and get over it. Later, as I went to sleep, I felt a sharp pain in my arm. As I flipped on the light, I saw a scorpion crawling over the blankets. Now my entire arm is numb and I can't stop crying. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, the girl that I have been trying to get with for over a year told me she was drunk and just gave her first blowjob to some guy. FML

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By Sfg_926 - 26/6/2016 05:02 - United States - Newberg

Today, I told one of my coworkers that she looked really cute today. Later she sent an email to me and cc'd the entire office saying "It really makes me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that to me. And I shouldn't have to feel that way at work." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 13:00 - United Kingdom - Godalming

TMI

Today, I sent a photo of my flat to my mother to show her how tidy I’d made it. What I didn’t realise was that my lube and sex toys were also included in the photo of the bedroom. FML

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By meganisabella - 11/3/2012 09:15 - United States

Today, I went driving for the first time. I made it twenty miles to my step mom's house, and didn't stop until I was inside the garage. Too bad the garage door was closed when I got there. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2016 21:47 - United States - Eugene

Today, I got off work early to go home and surprise my girlfriend with lunch, only to come home to her in the middle of packing up all of her stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 07:14 - Australia

Today, I finally went running to help me start losing weight. I got 50 metres before someone in a passing car shouted out "Run fatty, run". I can't work up the courage to go for a run again. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2019 06:33

Today, I began writing thank-you cards for the gifts I got for my 21st birthday. To one set of grandparents, I wrote, "Thank you for the dancing chicken toy," and to the others I wrote, "Thank you for the $10 check." Those were the only gifts. FML

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By friend - 29/6/2012 20:48 - Israel - Rishon Le Zion

Today, I was babysitting a little girl, and we were playing with dolls. After we fed her babies, we put them down for a nap. After a few minutes, I asked if they'd had enough sleep. She looked at me like I was a freak and said, "Uh, they're not real babies, you know..." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 16:49 - United States

Today, my sister texted me, saying she was about to go into surgery. It's been a long time coming, and we've both been worried about what could happen. I texted "good luck" back. My phone autocorrected it to "goodbye" and I didn't even notice. FML

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By Cantgetno - 20/9/2011 07:45 - United States

Today, I realized my tampon goes deeper than my boyfriend. FML

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By birthdayfail - 24/5/2011 07:55

Today, it's my birthday. At my workplace, we always get a cake for whoever's birthday it is. They somehow forgot about me. I've been working there for a year, and my grandparents and my dad own the restaurant I work at. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2014 16:54 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, a grown man yelled at me because he'd been waiting for 15 minutes and still hadn't been seated or had his order taken. We were at a self-serve breakfast buffet. FML

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By bummerdood - 26/8/2012 04:15 - United States - Wichita

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the drive-in theater, planning to have some fun during the movie. We were pretty excited that no cars were parked near us. As soon as the movie started, a bus full of little kids pulled up next to us. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2010 02:31 - United States

Today, I noticed I give myself pep-talks when I'm lonely. FML

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By fistpumpin4life - 10/10/2010 00:51 - France

Today, at work I asked a woman how she was doing. When she replied, I didn't understand her, and instead of asking her what she said, I just replied with, "oh that's good." What she told me that I didn't understand was that her husband had just died. FML

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By Seriously? - 22/7/2017 13:54

Today, my friend with benefits got my new car stuck in a mud hole. I had to call my ex to get us unstuck. FML

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By gmian - 6/12/2015 05:06 - United States - Amherst

Today, at work, I used my foot to flush the toilet, lost my balance, and ended up catching myself with my foot in the toilet. FML

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Top comments

By Stumblebum30 | 5

#686785 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:25

if he's that insensitive....good riddens to bad rubbish!

By junglehair | 0

#686804 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:45

THAT SUCKS! lol why are all you guys ^^
so insensitive? "YDI for being clumsy AND dating an asshole" thats just plain mean

Comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#686770 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:06

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

cpatrick820 | 3

#686791 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:31

FMJ FTW

Reply

Elizabeth123654 | 0

#1155528 - Thursday 29 July 2010 6:51

you got that from the Officer and the Gentleman.

Reply

KennyMcCrmick322 | 0

#3708185 - Saturday 10 December 2011 0:32

I thought #1 got it from family guy when the guy said that to stewie about quahog when him and Brian joined the army

Reply

tx_beast | 5

#3755257 - Monday 19 December 2011 14:43

Fuck off, douchebag.
I'm pretty sure anybody from Texas could kick your ass.

By BeeSkwaird | 0

#686777 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:12

Shoulda smiled faster.

By Stumblebum30 | 5

#686785 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:25

if he's that insensitive....good riddens to bad rubbish!

By AntiChrist7 | 0

#686794 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:39

YDI for being clumsy AND dating an asshole

By junglehair | 0

#686804 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:45

THAT SUCKS! lol why are all you guys ^^
so insensitive? "YDI for being clumsy AND dating an asshole" thats just plain mean

Reply

No_Heart | 0

#687229 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 9:57

I hate sexists like you, not all men are insensitive.........like gays......and french people.

Reply

icall_BS | 0

#909823 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 4:42

Okay, men are assholes.
We still fuckin own you. Now go make me some chicken nuggets.

By krzygrl21 | 0

#686805 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:46

OUch

By settingjunefree | 0

#686818 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 21:03

I am so sorry! That's just horrible! I'm accident-prone myself, so I feel your pain for tripping and such...but the guy thing is just dreadful. For those who are YDI for dating an ass, people's true colors don't always show early or even for a long time. My sympathies...

By alexandraa_fml | 0

#686846 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 21:46

How is the guy being mean and insensitive? It just sounds like she shortened the story,. just because she fell doesnt mean the guy should have to hold off on what he was planning on doing in the first place.

Reply

13yearoldpridigy | 1

#5437203 - Saturday 6 April 2013 8:55

#9 and #12, I totally agree with what you are saying. Just because she hurt herself doesn't man he should prolong what he wanted to do. All they people saying he's a jerk are wrong. Yeah, he's a jerk because he wants to beak up with his girlfriend.

Reply

Burberryhype | 20

#6140474 - Wednesday 10 December 2014 17:47

At least what he can do is to help her up first without leaving her lying on the floot?

By BunnyDrastic | 0

#686956 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 0:45

HA!

By wh4t3v3R | 0

#686972 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 1:23

YDI. I can't count the number of times this happened to my girlfriends. "We need to talk," is not secret code for go hurt yourself. "We need to talk," means _I_ want to help with MY problems not make more of yours (as if we didn't have enough already). Your boyfriend is awesome for not being controlled by your pityfest and being punny on top of it.