Today, my boyfriend called me to come over because we "needed... - FML

By Yes - 24/11/2009 16:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me to come over because we "needed to talk." Going down the stairs, I tripped and fell. I woke up from unconsciousness with a hurting leg and my boyfriend standing over me. Just as I was about to smile and ask for a kiss, he said, "Maybe we should take a break" and left. FML

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Messed up

Boozehound alert

Race against the clock

By nichaneely - 21/1/2010 05:29 - United States

Today, I got yelled at by one of my bosses. The reason? I was yawning. I work at Starbucks. Apparently I wasn't 'promoting' correctly. FML

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By brainfart - 19/9/2020 10:01

Where is my mind?

Today, I was put on a medication for severe migraines. One of the side effects is difficulty concentrating and word recall. I was writing a paper and sat there trying to remember how to spell "isn't." This medication better work. FML

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By screwedupfuck - 27/3/2015 21:19 - United States - Lowell

Today, I was at a big meeting at work. The CEO was reaming the hell out of us for our recent poor profits, when I accidentally let rip a vile fart. I was then subjected to a 10 minute tirade of abuse for "trying to be a funny man", and told that whatever small chance I had for a promotion is now gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2020 05:01

Ideal first date

Today, I went on a date where the guy got drunk off 11 White Claws, I got 18 ant bites (yes, I counted), stung by a yellow jacket, and lost both pairs of our shoes. He told me he was going to a strip club after, messed up my name 3 times and didn’t pay for anything. FML

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By N/A - 26/5/2020 02:00

Time is of the essence

Today, my job offer from a Fortune 500 company was canceled because of the coronavirus. This is the third time this year a job I passed interviews and tests for got canceled. I’m an international student who just graduated last week. I only have 90 days to find a job to stay in the US. FML

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By anon - 4/6/2009 11:35 - United States

Today, I was performing in an orchestra concert. My stand partner and I commented on people in the audience the whole time, saying how fat they were, etc. Towards the end of the concert, I realized we were sitting right by a microphone, and the whole audience could hear us. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2013 21:40 - Canada - Markham

Today, my brother finally paid me the $60 he owed me. I later found out that he'd stolen those $60 from my wallet. FML

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By Liam. - 1/2/2010 05:15 - France

Today, I was in an elevator, and the hot girl who lives in my building and who I have a crush on got in. She was in a wheelchair with a broken leg, I panicked and tried to flirt with her, and I said 'Nice chair.' She replied 'Nice bruise' and punched me in the nuts. FML

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By Stairs? Noooooo - 15/9/2015 22:31 - United States - San Leandro

Today, I was signing with my deaf brother at a local McDonald's. We were having a laugh about a game we played last night when this morbidly obese woman waddled over to us. She was utterly convinced we were "talking shit" about her and made a scene about our "hand gestures." Seriously? FML

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By Bug5992 - 9/12/2012 22:46 - United States - Kent

Today, I was getting intimate with my current bootycall when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed" "moo-ed" and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML

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By FunTimes - 19/8/2019 04:00 - Canada

Today, my mom got drunk and tried to push me off a ladder. FML

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By Bilibók Renáta - 16/8/2019 14:00

Today, I drove my car into a fence because a spider was crawling from the mirror. The police laughed their asses off. One of them asked, "What should I write in the report? That she got scared of a spider?" Then he wrote just that. FML

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By Darryl - 12/5/2015 12:53 - Australia - Tarragindi

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend at work. Because she was "bored and didn't feel like seeing me" she thought it would be funny to call security and claim that I was stalking her. There is now a picture of my face at her workplace, and anytime I "pester her again" the cops will show up. FML

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By ouch.... - 22/10/2013 01:24 - United States - Duxbury

Today, my boyfriend broke a glass in the kitchen and accidentally stepped on it, cutting his foot. He asked me if I could help him clean his cut. Apparently, he's ticklish and I now have a huge bruise on my chest from where he kicked me. FML

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By stickyface - 24/10/2010 05:18 - Canada

Today, I decided to be adventurous and give my boyfriend head in the downstairs tv room. Just as he was about to cum I heard someone walking towards the door. I took my mouth off to get up and lock the door just as he came. Didn't make it to the door but my dad saw something he will never forget. FML

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By quickfingers100 - 22/5/2011 09:31 - United Kingdom

Today, my Dad married his fiancée, who insists I call her "mom". I'm three years older than her, and went to the same high school. She's taking me shopping next week to buy me something "nice". FML

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By Gameless Guy - 24/12/2009 15:49 - United States

Today, I learned just how much change a toddler can stuff in to a Nintendo Wii. I also learned that those things are put together with special screws. FML

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By kelizabeth - 5/8/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, I went with my fiancé to meet his parents. He was really sweet the whole way there, and once we got there he introduced me as 'the girl I'm going to marry'. His parents took one look at me and said, "Are you sure?" I laughed, because I thought they were joking. They weren't. FML

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By ihatespiders - 5/8/2014 12:31 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I asked my 8-year-old daughter to kill a house spider for me. I am a 42-year-old man. FML

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By fmyboss - 13/10/2019 07:00

People never learn

Today, I was made fun of at work by my mom and my supervisor. I work at a kids' anti-bullying camp. FML

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By imbx - 13/4/2009 00:24 - United States

Today, I was at a pool party. My friend's little sister pushed me in the pool. When I got out, I pushed her in. She started screaming, and I started laughing because I thought she was pissed that I pushed her in. That wasn't why she was screaming. She can't swim. Her whole family witnessed it. FML

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By unfucked - 26/8/2012 23:18 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my girlfriend and I reconciled after having a huge fight last week. We went out drinking, and things got pretty intense, so we went back to my place. We made it to the bedroom, but somewhere between her taking off my shirt and me taking off her pants, we both passed out. FML

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By names suck and so do I - 8/8/2013 12:54 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've had the biggest crush on. He spent the next ten minutes calling me delusional, said that I know nothing about him, and laughed that "this isn't Twilight, for fuck's sake". All he did when I started crying was pat me on the head and leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 20:01

How's the diet going?

Today, I bought 3 buckets of expensive low-calorie ice cream because it was on sale, only to discover it tastes rather awful. I thought I liked that stuff… Oh, I remember now, I did like it… After mixing it with lots of chocolate spread. FML

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By argh - 24/2/2010 06:29 - Canada

Today, I had a seizure at work. My boss walked by and saw me, but didn't help or do anything because he thought I was "picking something up off the floor." FML

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By lessimportantthanatable - 15/11/2017 12:00 - United States - Northfield

Today, I learned that the new granite countertop in my parents' house cost $12,000. Coincidentally, this is also the amount of money I would have needed to go to the college of my dreams instead of the cheaper school I currently attend. FML

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By adalia - 19/7/2009 17:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my dad about plans to go out late for a few drinks next week. My dad started his usual "YOU COULD GET RAPED!" lecture, before my brother sprang to my defence, "It's not like she's what they're after, is she?" Apparently, rapists are out of my league. FML

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By iwantpizza69 - 12/2/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, I told the guy I have feelings for that I'm interested in, and asked him how he feels about it. He responded via text, saying, "I feel fairly neutral about that." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2012 06:13 - United States - Houston

Today, I was told I will be having twins; this came as a shock since there are no twins in my family. When I asked my mom about it, she said that she wasn't surprised and not to worry about it because she had "absorbed her twin" and that the problem would "take care of itself." FML

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By single - 8/8/2015 06:23 - United States - Houston

Today, my psycho ex crashed a date with my girlfriend. She acted like we were still together and made a big show of dumping me for cheating on her. My actual girlfriend bought it hook line and sinker. Now I'm single again. FML

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By mannnnn - 8/7/2009 05:21

Today, I went into work to change a shift I was unable to work. I phone the first person on the employee sheet and they promptly answer by saying "You still work here? I thought the manager fired you..." I was fired last week and have been showing up for shifts without anybody noticing. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2013 17:12 - United States - California

Today, I got a call from a girl I dated long ago, who cheated on me and got pregnant by another guy, or so we thought. Turns out it isn't his, and she is taking me to court for child support. FML

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By Pimp-Daddy - 21/7/2009 14:55 - Canada

Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing my cookies. Turns out my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, the cookies are safe. Bad news, I now have something recorded that I never wanted to see in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 17:29 - United States

Today, my toilet broke. Yesterday, the shower filled up with sludge. I have ten people coming over for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2020 05:01

Munchausen by proxy

Today, I was just told by a hiring manager that the reasons I'm not getting interviews is because I have a spotty work history. My work history is spotty because my mother ignores my food allergies so she can get attention and, as a result, I'm chronically ill. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 05:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was visiting, and while in the bathroom, she clogged the toilet. Since there was no plunger in the room, she unclogged it with the only thing she could find: my mother's hairbrush. FML

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By CoffeeBoy - 6/11/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, I went to meet a potential client at StarBucks all the way across town about designing his website. I was extremely excited because I really need the work. I sat for an hour. Turns out he was across the street, at the other StarBucks. FML

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By Chriso - 17/11/2009 11:48 - Australia

Today, I was finally discharged from hospital after being in there for one month, I arrive home to find a letter from a debt collection agency for my unpaid car insurance premium, and another letter from my car insurer to say that they aren't covering my accident due to non payment of premium. FML

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By anonymous - 12/12/2014 01:17 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I noticed that I'm way more productive when I'm drinking than when I'm not. I think I just figured out why I'm related to so many alcoholics. FML

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By Jumanji - 12/12/2008 06:05 - France

Today, I opened my laptop in the train to watch a good film I had downloaded. Of course, it was a fake and the whole carriage was allowed to watch and hear five seconds of butt licking. FML

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Top comments

By Stumblebum30 | 5

#686785 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:25

if he's that insensitive....good riddens to bad rubbish!

By junglehair | 0

#686804 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:45

THAT SUCKS! lol why are all you guys ^^
so insensitive? "YDI for being clumsy AND dating an asshole" thats just plain mean

COMMENTS

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#686770 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:06

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

cpatrick820 | 3

#686791 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:31

FMJ FTW

Reply

Elizabeth123654 | 0

#1155528 - Thursday 29 July 2010 6:51

you got that from the Officer and the Gentleman.

Reply

KennyMcCrmick322 | 0

#3708185 - Saturday 10 December 2011 0:32

I thought #1 got it from family guy when the guy said that to stewie about quahog when him and Brian joined the army

Reply

tx_beast | 5

#3755257 - Monday 19 December 2011 14:43

Fuck off, douchebag.
I'm pretty sure anybody from Texas could kick your ass.

By BeeSkwaird | 0

#686777 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:12

Shoulda smiled faster.

By Stumblebum30 | 5

#686785 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:25

if he's that insensitive....good riddens to bad rubbish!

By AntiChrist7 | 0

#686794 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:39

YDI for being clumsy AND dating an asshole

By junglehair | 0

#686804 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:45

THAT SUCKS! lol why are all you guys ^^
so insensitive? "YDI for being clumsy AND dating an asshole" thats just plain mean

Reply

No_Heart | 0

#687229 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 9:57

I hate sexists like you, not all men are insensitive.........like gays......and french people.

Reply

icall_BS | 0

#909823 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 4:42

Okay, men are assholes.
We still fuckin own you. Now go make me some chicken nuggets.

By krzygrl21 | 0

#686805 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:46

OUch

By settingjunefree | 0

#686818 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 21:03

I am so sorry! That's just horrible! I'm accident-prone myself, so I feel your pain for tripping and such...but the guy thing is just dreadful. For those who are YDI for dating an ass, people's true colors don't always show early or even for a long time. My sympathies...

By alexandraa_fml | 0

#686846 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 21:46

How is the guy being mean and insensitive? It just sounds like she shortened the story,. just because she fell doesnt mean the guy should have to hold off on what he was planning on doing in the first place.

Reply

13yearoldpridigy | 1

#5437203 - Saturday 6 April 2013 8:55

#9 and #12, I totally agree with what you are saying. Just because she hurt herself doesn't man he should prolong what he wanted to do. All they people saying he's a jerk are wrong. Yeah, he's a jerk because he wants to beak up with his girlfriend.

Reply

Burberryhype | 20

#6140474 - Wednesday 10 December 2014 17:47

At least what he can do is to help her up first without leaving her lying on the floot?

By BunnyDrastic | 0

#686956 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 0:45

HA!

By wh4t3v3R | 0

#686972 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 1:23

YDI. I can't count the number of times this happened to my girlfriends. "We need to talk," is not secret code for go hurt yourself. "We need to talk," means _I_ want to help with MY problems not make more of yours (as if we didn't have enough already). Your boyfriend is awesome for not being controlled by your pityfest and being punny on top of it.