Love: Today, my boyfriend called me to come over because we "needed... - FML

By Yes - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me to come over because we "needed to talk." Going down the stairs, I tripped and fell. I woke up from unconsciousness with a hurting leg and my boyfriend standing over me. Just as I was about to smile and ask for a kiss, he said, "Maybe we should take a break" and left. FML

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Messed up

Late term

Such a rewarding career

By benjamin03 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my mom continued her search for a special, super-healthy laundry detergent that she knows makes me break out in hives. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. After about 10 minutes, while we changed positions, he shouts, "Power Rangers - It's Morphin' Time!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my 7-year-old cousin has been having raging temper tantrums, added to an inability to tell the truth, and a disturbingly sociopathic nature. I'm pretty sure I'm seeing a psychopath in the making, and I'm stuck living here for 2 months. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm scared to leave my bedroom. During the night, what must have been a giant spider made a web 4 feet wide stretching from the lightbulb to the tv and then down to the desk corner. It's blocking my path to the door and I can't tell where the 8-legged bastard is hiding. FML

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By devilboy - Australia

Today, my girlfriend who was planning on waiting until marriage for sex decided to have sex with me. It's been 4 hours and she hasn't stopped crying, praying and calling me the devil's temptation. FML

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By Username - Romania

Today, I was running late for school because I had a huge stomach ache. To save on time, I took a taxi. When the taxi driver hit a bump, I lost control of my bowels and shit myself. Not only do I have to wash my underwear in the sink at school now, but I had to pay the driver extra to remove the smell from his car. FML

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By VetTechStudent

Today, I had to get a pre-exposure rabies vaccine for school. My boyfriend thinks I'll give him rabies and refuses to let me sleep in the same bed with him or initiate sex. I need two more shots over the next 3 weeks, which means sleeping on the couch for a month. FML

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By bethany - Australia

Today, my drunk sister came in my room at 2 in the morning, sat on the side of my bed, fell off, knocked over my glass of water, which ruined my new phone, then got angry at me for getting angry with her. She then slammed my door, which made all the photo frames smash to the ground. FML

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By hamandegger - United States - Raynham

Today, my friend asked me to fix his laptop for him because it is loaded with viruses. When I turned it on and started searching for the problem, I couldn't find it. Luckily I was able to find a video of him banging my girlfriend. We've been together for eight years. FML

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By ywouldudomelikethat - United States - Renton

Today, I found out my ex started a Tumblr where she posts one photo a day. Each photo being a pic I texted her over the course of our relationship. My office, the bars I like to go to, favorite restaurants, my mom's place, my place, my penis, etc. FML

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By -1 Pair of Pants - United States - Westborough

Today, I leaned over to pick something up and heard a loud "pop" from my waistline, followed by a "clink" on the other side of the room. My pants button had popped off my pants. Time to lose some weight. FML

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By Tom Riddle - Philippines

Today, I was about to go out and get some groceries, but the moment I slammed the door I realized my keys were still inside. My inner caveman instincts told me to immediately break down the door, so now I have to get a doorknob replacement instead of food. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got reverse suspended for correcting my teacher. Now my mom has to go to all my high school classes with me for a week. FML

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By MyMomIsInsane - United States - Uniontown

Today, my mom demanded that I go into the basement and fix the water heater. I told her that I had no idea how to fix it, so she threw my phone down the stairs, told me to Google it, and locked the basement door behind me. It's been two hours. FML

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By

When karma does its job

Today, I found out the guy whose ass I used to routinely kick in high school is now dating my 19 year-old daughter. FML

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By lonelyashell - United States

Today, I realized that over the course of this winter, there have been more snow days in Atlanta than days in which I have ever been on a date. FML

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By ouch - Australia

Crispy

Today, I'm on a medication that really dehydrates my skin. I thought split lips were the worst side effects. Other split orifices make a trip to the toilet a literal pain in the arse. No sign of stopping in the near future. FML

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By mystermoon

Stressed out

Today, at my job in a pet store, my boss had me pull all the bags of food out and restock them so that they sat pretty. Five minutes later, the store is full of people. My manager screamed, "They're touching things!" and locked himself in the office with a cup of tea. He has the only open register. FML

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By

Today, after months of delays, my home renovation is nearing completion. Well, it was nearing completion. Last night, a pipe burst, flooding the entire house. The water damage will cost more to repair than the entire renovation. FML

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By hahagirl - United Kingdom

Today, my cousin suddenly confided in me that he had tried to commit suicide by overdosing when he was 17. Shocked and not knowing how to respond, I blurted out, "Did it work?" FML

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By everyonehatesme - Malaysia

Today, I signed in my msn messenger. Everyone in my friends list apparently changed their status to 'busy' or 'away' when they saw me online, including my crush. FML

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By kaitlin - Australia

Today, I lost my virginity to an ultrasound probe. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent my boss a link to a website I thought would answer a simple question she'd asked. Turns out, yes, the site did answer her question, but it also had some very suggestive ads on it. Apparently I'm the only person in the office who uses adblock. FML

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By 12MONTHLEASE - United States

Today, my new upstairs neighbors moved in. Within ten minutes of getting in the door they were screaming and arguing about everything, practically handing out death threats to each other. I then heard them having even louder makeup sex for about three hours afterwards. FML

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By fear - 17/12/2020 00:02 - United States - Denver

CIA-level batshittery

Today, an angry customer from my old job and punched me in the face before screaming; “You thought you’d seen the last of me?” I moved seven states over and she followed me here just to do that. FML

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By Icy - United States

Today, my crush was talking to me on Facebook. He said, "Did you know that 99% of the time a guy is talking to a girl it's because he wants to go out with her? Yeah, well, this is that 1%." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Burbank

Today, I noticed the only time my husband stops snoring like a drunken horse is so that he can fart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Piedmont

Today, I joined my friends out birthday clubbing. After I'd gotten a little drunk, a few guys asked for my number. I rattled off random numbers, until I accidentally said my mother's. Guess who woke up to a text at 2:17 in the morning, containing a picture of a penis. FML

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By bob - United States

Today, my grandmother refused to wear clothes. FML

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By toothache - United States

Today, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. There was a cyst behind one of them, and the dentist decided to extract it - except the Novocaine didn't reach that far back. I raised my hand like they said to do, and the dentist looked at me writing in pain and said, "No, you're fine." FML

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By rejected4ever - United States

Today, for Valentine's Day, my boyfriend gave me the half-eaten chocolate bar that I left in his fridge two weeks ago. FML

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By Satan'sChildren - United States - Oak Creek

Today, I was coming home from a much-needed vacation. The time I spent on the plane consisted of kids screaming and throwing tantrums. One of them managed to give me a black eye with a shoe. Their mom pretended to be asleep so I'd have to deal with her kids for her. FML

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By Mr. Headshot

Today, I celebrated my birthday with a few friends at home. As I bent down over my cake, my friend pushed my face into it. The baker should have told me she put in a stick to support the cake. FML

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By HedgehogFace

Today, my science teacher said I looked like a hedgehog, then had the whole class take a vote. They voted unanimously that yes, I do look like a hedgehog. FML

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By MystoganFT - United States - Emmaus

Today, some guy I don't know walked up to me and told me that he's determined to sleep with my girlfriend, then walked away while giving me the finger. I've never seen him before in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Washington

Today, while using the restroom at my favorite cafe, I fell asleep for 30 minutes. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons viciously breaking down the only barrier between between you and your shame. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I drove home on my birthday, and my mom said she'd meet me there. I was a little surprised to get home and find she wasn't there, but even more shocked to see my rabbit run over in my driveway. Turns out he'd gotten loose and my mom had run him over, panicked, and left. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law informed me that since she is putting money into our wedding, that all the planning and arrangements are under her authority. FML

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By Anonymous - Hungary - Budapest

Today, my mom heard on TV that teens need at least ten hours of sleep a day. Now she makes me go to bed at 7pm. I told her I can't finish my homework in time, and my grades will suffer. She wouldn't listen. Last week, she threatened to punish me if I don't get straight As this semester. FML

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By BillLumberg - United States

Today, I released a noxious, unforgiving fart in my cubicle not thinking anything of it. You know, one of those sulfurous clouds you get the morning after a few good beers. Moments later, my manager walks in to talk about work. It's 7:30 in the morning, no one else is around. FML

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Top comments

By Stumblebum30 | 5

#686785 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:25

if he's that insensitive....good riddens to bad rubbish!

By junglehair | 0

#686804 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:45

THAT SUCKS! lol why are all you guys ^^
so insensitive? "YDI for being clumsy AND dating an asshole" thats just plain mean

COMMENTS

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#686770 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:06

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

cpatrick820 | 3

#686791 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:31

FMJ FTW

Reply

Elizabeth123654 | 0

#1155528 - Thursday 29 July 2010 6:51

you got that from the Officer and the Gentleman.

Reply

KennyMcCrmick322 | 0

#3708185 - Saturday 10 December 2011 0:32

I thought #1 got it from family guy when the guy said that to stewie about quahog when him and Brian joined the army

Reply

tx_beast | 5

#3755257 - Monday 19 December 2011 14:43

Fuck off, douchebag.
I'm pretty sure anybody from Texas could kick your ass.

By BeeSkwaird | 0

#686777 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:12

Shoulda smiled faster.

By Stumblebum30 | 5

#686785 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:25

if he's that insensitive....good riddens to bad rubbish!

By AntiChrist7 | 0

#686794 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:39

YDI for being clumsy AND dating an asshole

By junglehair | 0

#686804 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:45

THAT SUCKS! lol why are all you guys ^^
so insensitive? "YDI for being clumsy AND dating an asshole" thats just plain mean

Reply

No_Heart | 0

#687229 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 9:57

I hate sexists like you, not all men are insensitive.........like gays......and french people.

Reply

icall_BS | 0

#909823 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 4:42

Okay, men are assholes.
We still fuckin own you. Now go make me some chicken nuggets.

By krzygrl21 | 0

#686805 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 20:46

OUch

By settingjunefree | 0

#686818 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 21:03

I am so sorry! That's just horrible! I'm accident-prone myself, so I feel your pain for tripping and such...but the guy thing is just dreadful. For those who are YDI for dating an ass, people's true colors don't always show early or even for a long time. My sympathies...

By alexandraa_fml | 0

#686846 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 21:46

How is the guy being mean and insensitive? It just sounds like she shortened the story,. just because she fell doesnt mean the guy should have to hold off on what he was planning on doing in the first place.

Reply

13yearoldpridigy | 1

#5437203 - Saturday 6 April 2013 8:55

#9 and #12, I totally agree with what you are saying. Just because she hurt herself doesn't man he should prolong what he wanted to do. All they people saying he's a jerk are wrong. Yeah, he's a jerk because he wants to beak up with his girlfriend.

Reply

Burberryhype | 20

#6140474 - Wednesday 10 December 2014 17:47

At least what he can do is to help her up first without leaving her lying on the floot?

By BunnyDrastic | 0

#686956 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 0:45

HA!

By wh4t3v3R | 0

#686972 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 1:23

YDI. I can't count the number of times this happened to my girlfriends. "We need to talk," is not secret code for go hurt yourself. "We need to talk," means _I_ want to help with MY problems not make more of yours (as if we didn't have enough already). Your boyfriend is awesome for not being controlled by your pityfest and being punny on top of it.