Love: Today, I heard vibrating from inside my husband's desk drawer.... - FML

04/12/2011 23:52 - United States

Today, I heard vibrating from inside my husband's desk drawer. Since he's away for the weekend, I investigated. I found an unfamiliar cellphone with an inbound call. I answered it. Turns out, it was his mistress. Neither of us can get a hold of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 023

You deserved it 3 418

Age difference

The smell detective is on the case

Dementia or hate? You decide

12/07/2014 16:09 - United Kingdom - Crawley

Today, my brother decided to help me artificially age some of my artwork by singeing the edges slightly. Apparently "my brother set fire to my homework" isn't a valid excuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 799

You deserved it 6 427

22/11/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, I helped an old man with his groceries, because he was struggling and he had a cane. After, I was nice enough to drive him home. He went to thank me by giving me a kiss on the cheek. Then he stuck his tongue out, and tried to French kiss me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 395

You deserved it 6 151

16/04/2013 23:23 - United States

Today, I gave my wife a birthday present. For months she'd been talking about an expensive treadmill that she wanted, so I bought it. Her reaction when she saw it was to yell, "YOU THINK I'M FAT!" and burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 343

You deserved it 9 616

03/12/2009 08:39 - United States

Spicy

Today, I walked into my apartment to find my boyfriend of two years screwing my lifelong best friend. I immediately burst into tears. He looked at me and told me I was being too dramatic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 490

You deserved it 2 711

01/08/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend sneaked into my room, not knowing I wasn't home. It would have been great, except my dad went in my room to put laundry away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 187

You deserved it 403

22/09/2011 04:44 - United States

Today, the shy girl in my class decided to bring a cake to share with everyone, since it was her birthday. Excited about the cake, I got everybody to sing "happy birthday" for her, only to realize too late that nobody in the class know her name, myself included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 121

You deserved it 44 816

Sliced and diced

By Anonymous - 14/09/2020 08:01

Spicy

Today, our sons, who we thought were asleep, came barging into our room in the middle of the first blowjob my wife has given me in weeks. She was so shocked, she bit down and pulled away at the same time, tearing the big vein on the top of my cock. I had to go to hospital for blood loss and stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 037

You deserved it 192

25/06/2013 17:16 - United States - Surprise

Today, while walking around town, some guy grabbed me from behind, clutched at my nipples, and said, "That's where I always imagined they were." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 094

You deserved it 4 280

Jamaica? I hardly know her

By Anonymous - 07/10/2015 10:58 - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, my mom and I went to catch our flight to Jamaica. She ended up being detained and questioned, because she packed hairspray, shampoo, drinks, basically half the shit you're not allowed to have in your luggage. We missed our flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 252

You deserved it 2 444

Oh no, she's back

By Anonymous - 19/08/2021 18:01 - United States - Little River

Today, I learned that the respondents on the Suicide Hotline recognize me, and not fondly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 774

You deserved it 163

17/09/2015 21:08 - Canada - Kingston

Today, my dog vomited a writhing mass of maggots. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever smelled, and I was baffled as to where she found a maggot infested dead thing to eat. Baffled, until my mom reminded me that my cat has been missing, presumed dead, for over a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 955

You deserved it 1 750

06/09/2014 04:25 - United States - Tulsa

Today, my roommate decided that because she has an oral report due, she's going to scream at the top of her lungs until she loses her voice to get out of it. It's been two hours and she refuses to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 629

You deserved it 2 820

Mix up

By Anonymous - 22/08/2021 10:31 - Iran, Islamic Republic of - Pishgaman

Today, I found out that the person I love, who is also a friend, is now in a relationship with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 740

You deserved it 114

17/07/2012 07:19 - United States - Littleton

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up after three years. I came home and when my dad asked what was wrong, I told him. His first reaction was, "Well damn it. Who'll go fishing with me now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 976

You deserved it 2 820

28/02/2012 18:55 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized you should always knock on your parents' door before entering. Even at 6:30 am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 894

You deserved it 35 203

19/03/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I stayed over at my grandparents' house. I woke up and had to brush my teeth. My grandma asked if I had found a toothbrush to use. I told her that I used my old purple toothbrush. She told me that was the toothbrush she used to brush her toenails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 275

You deserved it 10 731

24/03/2009 16:11 - Canada

Today, I got up extra early to curl my hair because I wanted to look nice at school for a change. After coming downstairs my mom yells at me and says, "See, when you don't wake up on time your hair looks like that. You could have atleast combed it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 801

You deserved it 5 983

08/03/2012 11:53 - United States

Today, I was called an assortment of names and was almost followed home by a crazy bitch. Why? Because I stated that it was unsanitary for her to bring her dog to a grocery store. She clearly disagreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 618

You deserved it 7 541

02/10/2012 17:37 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I got lost at Best Buy. Meanwhile, my mom freaked out, and they called out my name over the intercom. When I walked up to the desk and they saw I was 17, the employees burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 951

You deserved it 4 408

04/05/2019 18:00

Today, I found out I did so horrible during my interview that I didn’t even get a rejection email. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 595

You deserved it 238

13/04/2009 10:45 - United States

Today, I drove 9 hours and took Monday off of work to surprise my Mom and Dad for Easter. They weren't home so I called to tell them the surprise, rather than wait. They didn't answer as they were on a flight to Denver to surprise me for Easter since "I couldn't get off work." FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 392

You deserved it 14 428

19/02/2014 07:17 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I was struggling through small-talk at a party where I knew nobody. Tattoos came up and I started talking about trendy, girly tattoos like feathers, anchors and infinity signs with stupid words in them. Turns out the girl I was talking to had all three. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 185

You deserved it 11 926

19/01/2015 14:34 - United States - Lewiston

Today, I sat my son down for the sex talk. By the time it was over, he'd corrected me on several factual errors and told me what felching is. Now I remember why I never wanted kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 610

You deserved it 7 522

Is she better than me?

By Lovesucks - 02/12/2019 14:00 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I found out my boyfriend, who is buying me a ring for my birthday is buying my best friend a ring that cost 10 times more than mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 750

You deserved it 253

16/01/2017 22:00

Today, it's the 6th day that we have been snowed in. We haven't left the house, because we can't. I've done at least 30 hours of Legos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 945

You deserved it 630

13/05/2019 10:00

Today, I had to help pick a jury for trial. I had to do a roll call to make sure that everyone was present. I stood up in front of a packed courtroom and said, “Okay, I’m going to do a roll call to make sure that everyone is here and pregnant.” Everyone laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 466

You deserved it 627

24/05/2019 12:02

Today, I was having a cigarette in a smoking area when a mother with a pram strode towards me and exaggerated a cough to make some sort of point. Reluctantly, I put it out and walked off. I then turned around to see her lighting up a cigarette, and blowing smoke all over her baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 839

You deserved it 268

Reverse psychology

By Marie - 11/06/2020 17:12

Today, while trying to get my picky daughter to eat her dinner, I pretended to take some of her food and give it to her brother, thinking that would get her to eat it. Instead, she thanked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 029

You deserved it 720

Bye bye asshat

By Sadbxtch - 09/09/2021 17:01

Today, my now-ex-fiance told me he’s leaving me for his pregnant coworker. The baby is his. The same coworker he assured me was just a "professional platonic friendship." Our wedding was set to be this Saturday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 378

You deserved it 76

05/11/2011 15:40 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend came to my house crying because the guy who she has been cheating on me with doesn't want to be with her anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 841

You deserved it 4 355

Warrior

By Anonymous - 21/09/2015 13:00 - United States - Grand Junction

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when halfway through, he leaned over to grab his cup of hot coffee off the nightstand. He then attempted to drink it and spilled most of it on me. He never stopped thrusting the whole time, and wanted to continue after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 392

You deserved it 3 272

30/06/2014 21:06 - United States - Rockport

Today, my husband came clean to having an affair with my sister. I later found out my other sister encouraged the affair because she thought they'd be a cute couple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 635

You deserved it 4 388

06/10/2009 12:08 - United States

Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 356

You deserved it 4 412

23/09/2011 14:33 - Reserved

Today, like always, my parents are such tightwads that they refused to turn the heating system on, despite the ball-freezing temperatures. I was so cold, I had to resort to warming my hands up over the toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 126

You deserved it 3 687

09/03/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, I posted a pic of my prom dress on facebook. The dress looked amazing on me and it just felt so right. So I spent every single dollar I had and some borrowed to buy the dress. When I logged on later that night, the first comment asked "Is this a joke?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 525

You deserved it 5 075

22/06/2013 20:55 - United States

Today, being near-broke, I resorted to shopping at Walmart. Barely ten minutes in, an obese sack of lard posing as a human being shoved me away from the bacon I was looking at. I fell, busted my lip, then got screamed at by another woman for not watching where I was going. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 654

You deserved it 12 787

Whisky dickhead

By noO - 07/02/2016 17:43 - United States - Greenwood

Spicy

Today, for the seventh weekend in a row, I left my weekly visit with my long-distance boyfriend unsatisfied. Seems he enjoys getting shit-faced drunk more than he enjoys getting a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 111

You deserved it 3 849

Hardly getting used to it

By Anonymous - 05/02/2016 02:22 - United States - Columbia

Today, I shared with my doctor that I still feel uncomfortable with my medication. She expressed surprise, saying, "Really? By now I would've thought it'd be routine." Sorry, no. In three months, I have not gotten used to sticking a syringe up my butt and injecting my rectum full of medicated foam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 856

You deserved it 1 770

16/06/2013 18:49 - France - Le Rove

Today, I woke up to my bratty younger sister cutting through my hair with a pair of scissors. I now look like a freak, and my mum bitched me out for being angry, all because my sister claimed she'd been sleep-walking. Her demented smirk said otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 245

You deserved it 3 146

13/11/2010 07:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 588

You deserved it 9 268

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Top comments

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:13

Change the locks while hes gone ;)

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:14

Probably with his other mistress

Comments

DogReypistPANDA 6

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:13

I'm sorry.

Eaglestrike117 29

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:14

At least you know he isn't cheating on you right now... unless he has a SECOND mistress! o.0

KaySL 24

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:15

That or he has another mistress.

KaySL 24

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:20

Effective use of the edit button, #5. I salute you.

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:31

You call it cheating. I call it pimping.

lovelife_1284 3

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:43

I call it a load of shit!!

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:50

i'd be so emotionally confused in that situation

AnonymousTroll 2

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:59

You know Charlie Sheen??

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:07

Haha your sorry? Don't be sorry, you shouldn't be a sorry person. It's not good for you (:

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:09

i smell a 3rd mistress

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:12

Wow if you can smell her than op should be twice insulted for his choice in women

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:13

Lol

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:15

Also, why have we all looked over the possibility of a boyfriend? :) Just saying, op should be open to surprises or we may be seeing another FML in the near future..

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:17

*then (phone, touch screen, autocorrect = annoying. *facepalm*)

Notimetobleed 14

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Monday 5 December 2011 4:08

bizarre_ftw, are you a vampire?

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Monday 5 December 2011 4:31

Op is a girl, she found out that her husband has a mistress

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Monday 5 December 2011 5:06

Two women pissed at one guy......hell hath no furry like a woman scorned

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Monday 5 December 2011 5:21

116 no *shifty eyes* why do you ask?

guppyfishlette 1

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Monday 5 December 2011 6:06

Well you're a sexy vampire(: oh... Was that my outside voice >.>

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Monday 5 December 2011 6:06

And now..he's scorned two ..possibly three.

jamiecornish95 0

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Monday 5 December 2011 7:26

I agree with #45

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:31

Fh

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:33

Oops

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Monday 5 December 2011 11:51

67: I smell a 4 way.

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Monday 5 December 2011 14:38

158 is the 3rd mistress...smells like bacon

Naitsi 19

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Monday 5 December 2011 16:33

me too

Notimetobleed 14

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Wednesday 14 December 2011 20:15

143 och 158, one is a lesbian och other is dead, nasty.

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Tuesday 31 January 2012 22:54

#128 thank you captain obvious

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:13

Change the locks while hes gone ;)

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:56

Put him in the basement and chain him to the radiator and leave the swinging cracked light on. Then lock the door and leave him there like in the cartoons.

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:00

Genius!

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:17

59-- extremely pretty!

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:24

Comment not moderated

TheRealBruce 12

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Monday 5 December 2011 7:43

Oh you like mistresses then I'm going to make you smoke a whole carton of cigarettes wait...I do not know where I'm going with this

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Saturday 17 December 2011 20:47

Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know......

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:14

Probably with his other mistress

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:01

Last week he was with his other other mistress.

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:19

Actually, this week he's Really at the office. Either that or with his second family in Utah

ah21 0

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:21

No duh

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:31

he probably realized he forgot his other cp and knows that hes fucked.

alival 12

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:14

Now he's in trouble with two women! Well he deserves it!

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:09

Yo dawg I heard you like mistresses so we put a mistress in yo mis... Damn that doesn't work..

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:15

66- Yo dawg, I heard you like mistresses, so we put a mistress inside yo mistress... But they both died...

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:19

Ok I got it this time... Yo dawg. I heard you like mistresses so we put a mistress in yo mistress so you can miss yo mistress as you miss yo misstress

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:36

I love it. All of you. Bravo.

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Monday 5 December 2011 4:33

Jogging to his latest booty call.

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Monday 5 December 2011 7:55

He is condemned to the nightmare of all men. Lol

Monday 5 December 2011 2:14

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:52

Not really, no.

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:42

Slutty.

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Monday 5 December 2011 4:37

Well, wherever he is I think it's safe to say his penis is learning harden.

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Monday 5 December 2011 5:53

How the fuck is that kinky?

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:14

I thought you said "I heard my vibrator in my husbands desk" O.o

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:45

It's there alright. Just two drawers over.

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:00

that's where I thought this was going

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:09

Same here.

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:40

Agreed ^^

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Monday 5 December 2011 4:09

ME TOO

Manganimegrl 16

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Monday 5 December 2011 4:28

Same.

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Monday 5 December 2011 5:31

According to my calculations, that would make for a much more interesting fml.

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Monday 5 December 2011 7:20

yes... yes. at the very least.

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Monday 5 December 2011 8:22

I thought he was the one with the vibrator... XD

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 8:08

Husband...vibrator!?! Heyyy yoooo.. Lol

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 21:14

op sez,"call me right back!" 1 guess where the phone gets inserted...Well...2-3 guesses...

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:14

I like reading about teamwork

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:14

He's with number 3, time for a divorce

hotPinklipstick 24

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:48

I recommend contacting every board certified/good divorce lawyer around, even in the towns around you. When he tries to get a good lawyer it will be a conflict of interest for them to even speak to him and he will be stuck with a shitty lawyer and you will win the case and all his shit to go with it. After all cheaters don't deserve anything.

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:19

Yeah you should burn his cloths and kill his pets too, you know because cheaters reverse absolutely nothing, you might even want to sell all of his possessions and the house, if you live with him just buy a new one. *sarcasm*

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:43

Clothes* Deserve* Damn you auto-correct.

ShelbyyCakess 0

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:47

Don't kill his pets! They did nothing! ),:

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Monday 5 December 2011 4:23

#50, please don't pass off that old soap opera plot as truth. Unless OP actually puts each attorney from each firm on retainer, there is no conflict of interest. I highly doubt OP lives in one of the few places on Earth where there is a short supply of lawyers.

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Monday 5 December 2011 15:37

Too true, you need to act quickly

hotPinklipstick 24

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Monday 5 December 2011 16:04

Actually it does work, it's happened to me before, not with a divorce lawyer though.

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:14

wow. when he gets back, both of you should ambush him!

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:23

He might like that...

PinkElephants713 6

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:48

Or arrange a tea get hearing with her on the day he is to get back and be all like, "oh, hello have you met _____?"

PinkElephants713 6

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Monday 5 December 2011 3:49

Together **

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Monday 5 December 2011 9:59

Thank god you corrected that. I thought you were having a seizure and accidentally hit enter.

PinkElephants713 6

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 3:09

You know it!! :)

WeAreAHurricane 14

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Monday 5 December 2011 2:15

+5 points for being a sneaky cheater -100 for being a cheater in the first place -.-

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Monday 5 December 2011 5:48

He wasn't that sneaky, he did get caught.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 16

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 432