Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I ordered pizza and watched a movie.... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 460

You deserved it 122

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 189

You deserved it 1 610

12/08/2010 01:54

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I ordered pizza and watched a movie. After dinner we started to make out. I began to take my clothes off when he stopped me. He said that sex is exercise and you can't exercise for 30 minutes after eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 926

You deserved it 8 389

Taking stock

There's no helping some people

Mother of the year

18/12/2009 16:19

Today, I got a Christmas present from my boss. It was an ab workout video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 293

You deserved it 4 645

26/12/2012 14:05

Today, I woke up from an explicit dream involving my dentist. I'm scheduled for a conscious sedation appointment with him in two hours and I'm terrified of what I might say or do while I'm under. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 001

You deserved it 3 366

15/09/2009 08:13

Spicy

Today, I finally decided to sleep with my boyfriend. It was my first time and I was really nervous so when he was being all romantic with candles and wine I went a bit overboard and drank too much. I passed out. I woke up a few hours later, still a virgin and in a puddle of my own wee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 893

You deserved it 34 404

27/03/2013 08:00

Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 879

You deserved it 5 973

26/02/2012 04:18

Today, I discovered that during fire drills, my school lines everyone up next to some extremely flammable and explosive propane tanks. If we ever have a real fire, we will all die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 306

You deserved it 2 561

14/02/2019 16:32

Today, my boyfriend graduated from boot camp. After the ceremony, I rushed over and tried to jump into his arms. This would have been romantic if he was expecting it. Instead, he fell over and we crashed onto the floor in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 099

You deserved it 29 901

11/11/2012 03:10

Today, my dad offered to pay me $40 to wash his car. Needing money to buy a video game, I agreed, and went out in the freezing weather to do the job. I finished the task, only to be paid in Monopoly money. My dad still hasn't gotten over how "funny" his prank was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 092

You deserved it 3 893

26/10/2011 17:56

Today, was the last day of the prank war between me and my husband. I told him the last prank needed to be the best one. I took a shower and tried to think up my last prank. When I got out of the shower, my hair was green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 517

You deserved it 38 033

29/10/2009 19:20

Today, my son couldn't find all the parts to his Cub Scout uniform. I had a serious talk with him about being prepared, and how he would need to live with the consequences of not having the right outfit on. When we arrived at the meeting, everyone was in costumes because it's Halloween. I forgot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 739

You deserved it 43 966

11/02/2010 20:15

Today, I went in to a job interview with 6 other girls my age. I tried to sit down on a chair exactly like the ones every other girl was sitting on. Then, one of the interviewers offered to get me a more "sturdy" chair. For the entire interview, I got to sit in the "fat girl chair". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 598

You deserved it 8 871

17/08/2016 04:20

Today, I finally addressed why my boyfriend started calling me "love bug" since we haven't used pet names in the entirety of our 2 year relationship. His response? "because I love you but you bug the shit out of me. It seemed appropriate." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 439

You deserved it 2 646

24/03/2018 01:30

Today, I got my first tattoo. I didn't realise that the font I chose uses a fancy capital L that can easily be mistaken for a capital F. It looks like I have "I'm A Good Fuck Charm" tattooed on my wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 854

You deserved it 5 501

11/02/2017 16:00

Today, I wanted to buy a Philly cheesesteak from my campus grill, but I was running late so I ordered a grilled cheese as it would be simpler to prep. I then waited 20 minutes and watched as the cooks made 4 cheesesteaks for other orders before even starting my grilled cheese. I was late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 209

You deserved it 1 421

Hidden

By fml9124 - 20/09/2019 14:00

Today, I saw a scorpion crawling across the kitchen floor. While trying to swat it towards the middle of the floor to prevent it from escaping as I looked for something to kill it with, my cat came to investigate. Kitty thought I was playing with a new toy and joined in by batting the scorpion under the oven. I know it's plotting its revenge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 314

You deserved it 154

22/04/2009 20:15

Today, as soon as I got home, my girlfriend was waiting for me at the door. She told me she was breaking up with me, the reason? She found a girl's shirt in my closet and that she didn't need a cheating boyfriend. That shirt was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 337

You deserved it 12 455

10/05/2016 00:07

Today, I was trying to sleep, when I felt someone rattling my bed from underneath. Petrified from shock, I lied there for what felt like hours, waiting for a murderer to spring out. I must've finally fallen asleep, and when I woke up in the morning, I found out it was a minor earthquake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 446

You deserved it 1 830

29/01/2012 09:55

Today, I finally made the last payment on the beautiful engagement ring I bought and proposed with - two years ago. To my ex-girlfriend, who said no and promptly started sleeping with one of my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 350

You deserved it 3 161

06/01/2012 23:16

Spicy

Today, my mother thought it would be a good idea to tell me that I was conceived on an airplane toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 619

You deserved it 3 060

26/01/2014 13:08

Today, I was helping my elderly neighbor carry her groceries into her kitchen. When I finished, she sighed and said, "You're such a sweet girl. It's just a shame about your face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 816

You deserved it 4 001

29/10/2017 01:30

Today, at almost 26 years old, my beard is finally coming in. Too bad it, like the hair on my head, is 50% grey already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 615

You deserved it 263

It's not working out (for us)

By Anonymous - 22/04/2021 00:30

Today, I was fired from my job, due to my "performance going down". My performance went down because I can't see due to having a stroke, which management is well aware of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 216

You deserved it 54

06/05/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to jump out from behind the bedroom door to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday. I slipped and broke two ribs when I hit the ground. Instead of a sexy birthday evening, he got to take me to hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 381

You deserved it 1 370

01/06/2019 04:00

Today, I found out my girlfriend had changed my ringtone to some woman moaning with pleasure continuously. I found this out in the middle of a job interview when she rang me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 775

You deserved it 531

04/03/2009 07:03

Spicy

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said "You think you're ready for a round two?" She replied "No, but I do think I'm ready for the rest of round one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 297

You deserved it 113 265

27/06/2011 18:38

Today, my boyfriend of five years proposed to me in front of my entire family. He later confessed that it was part of a dare with his friends because, "There was no way you'd say yes." Guess who has to explain this to all my relatives? FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 302

You deserved it 3 708

16/09/2009 10:37

Today, I went to an interview for a job I really wanted and am qualified for. I've been looking for months. This job was perfect; close to home and great pay. Needless to say I spent quite a while preparing. Everything was going great until I had to sneeze, which forced out a loud, long fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 676

You deserved it 4 166

07/05/2019 06:00

Today, I had to buy more supplies for the cat my friend asked me to pet sit for 2 weeks. Her 2-week vacation ended over 3 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 920

You deserved it 446

31/07/2011 00:45

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend's mother walked in on us having sex. He started crying and ran into the bathroom where my clothes were located, leaving me to deal with his mother. Naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 642

You deserved it 8 336

08/11/2009 15:39

Today, I drove 600 miles to be with my boyfriend of two years for his uncle's funeral. He didn't want me to come because I am seven months pregnant and flying is dangerous in the third trimester. When I got there I don't know who was more suprised to see me: him, his wife, or their kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 909

You deserved it 6 567

15/04/2015 22:52

Today, while cleaning my desk I found a stray gumball. I quickly popped it into my mouth only to discover with horror that it was a paintball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 101

You deserved it 36 316

20/12/2012 18:17

Today, I caught my dog chewing on a tampon applicator. I tried to grab it from him, but he wanted to play "keep away" and ran outside. Like a dumbass, I chased after him in my underwear, earning myself the attention of my neighbors on each side of my driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 467

You deserved it 32 324

Bulk buying

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 20:00

Today, I picked up my online grocery order. The clerk asked about the party, because he assumed I was having one because of all the ice cream I'd ordered. I'm bulimic and everything was for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 397

You deserved it 167

05/08/2009 05:09

Today, I discovered that sitting in the back of your car from 8-9 p.m. talking with a friend in a park area is suspicious enough behavior to have cops called on you, then for backup to arrive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 502

You deserved it 5 217

22/08/2013 22:45

Today, I did something I'd always wanted to do: I went swimming with dolphins. It was really fun, until I went to kiss the dolphin, and she slipped her tongue half into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 249

You deserved it 15 327

19/08/2009 17:23

Today, I thought I saw a snake while I was watering. I got my son to check it out and he agreed too. I was nervous so I called animal control, and they said it would cost $50 just for them to come out, I agreed. It ends up I paid $50 for them to pick up an old diamond weave farmer's hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 534

You deserved it 42 732

Caught in 4K

By Nothing Special - 23/12/2015 06:54

Today, it's been a week since I flew down to stay with my long-distance boyfriend. We went on long walks on the shore, under the stars, and had an unforgettable picnic viewing the sunset. I just now received a message of screenshots displaying him attempting to hook up with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 819

You deserved it 1 787

27/05/2013 05:05

Today, after months of tests for mystery nerve pain, I went to get more blood taken only to leave the clinic with an empty tin to collect my bowel movements for the next 72 hours. Which needs to be refrigerated. I live with 4 other people, with one fridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 578

You deserved it 3 230

07/06/2014 13:31

Spicy

Today, I took some heavy pain medication before calling my boyfriend. I don't remember the call, but apparently confessed to really liking corn, and faking orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 296

You deserved it 15 756

Customers from hell

By Anonymous - 15/08/2021 06:01

Today, an older customer ran up to me and did a open-mouthed, panting growl in my face, with her face 2 inches from my mine. She then laughed and said, “I only do this to men” and then left the store without buying anything. My mask was down and she didn’t have one at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 219

13/03/2012 06:21

Today, while I was looking for an apartment for my boyfriend and myself, he asked me how would I feel about his mom moving in together with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 300

You deserved it 2 600

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:19

haha isn't that the rule for swimming or something

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:23

The real Fml here is that you two made out after eating pizza.. Not a very appetizing taste you want in your mouth mixed with someone else's saliva. :/

Comments

chiem 0

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:18

haha fyl

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:18

hahah..your boyfriend is lame.

Blue_Coconuts 7

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:21

I eat and swim all the time... Well whenever my girlfriend feels like skinny dipping anyway. Zing.

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:25

haha he was just looking out for you xD didn't want you to cramp up or anything

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:28

maybe he has GERD and doesnt want to mini vomit in your mouth. or burp on your pussy while going down on you.

yasmeenjonasx3 0

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:32

what a loser. i wouldve had sex while waiting for the pizza to be delivered.

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:32

that's the rules.

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:36

at least he's looking out for your health...hahaha. I bet he doesn't swim for an hour after eating :P

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:46

well it was probably amazing since you waited, let that pizza put extra cushion for the pushin XD

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:48

attention!! everyone stop what you are doing!! I have an important announcement!! testicles. that is all.

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Thursday 12 August 2010 10:01

family guy reference FTW!

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Thursday 12 August 2010 10:07

penis

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Thursday 12 August 2010 10:21

pizza gives me gas

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Thursday 12 August 2010 10:25

TMI

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Thursday 12 August 2010 10:26

He must not love you. Because sex withOUT LOVE it's just excercise......

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Thursday 12 August 2010 10:40

It turns me on. Idk about you guys

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Thursday 12 August 2010 11:00

hah did he stretch too ?

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Thursday 12 August 2010 11:02

I'm assuming the pizza was better then you are, OP?

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Thursday 12 August 2010 11:04

lol. brush your teeth fatty.

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Thursday 12 August 2010 11:05

haha good one 60! family guy reference, ^-^

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Thursday 12 August 2010 11:32

see op is just whiny. if she woulda went ahead n had sex she woulda wrote an fml bout cramps during sex.

sactownsfinest 0

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Thursday 12 August 2010 13:12

he should of ask if you had room for a cockmeat sammich! haha

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Thursday 12 August 2010 13:56

lol he ddnt want you to cramp up during an orgasm >_<

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Thursday 12 August 2010 15:26

lmao.

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Thursday 12 August 2010 15:41

What a pussy. A real man could f**k and eat pizza at the same time. Dump his ass.

roflinyourwaffle 0

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Thursday 12 August 2010 16:38

a REAL man can fuck a pizza and eat something else too.

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Thursday 12 August 2010 18:55

atleast hes looking out for you. he could have said okay lets do it and you wouldve gotten a cramp.

xxhannahxx1204 2

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Thursday 12 August 2010 19:55

in soviet russia pizza fuck you :P

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Thursday 12 August 2010 19:59

.......what guy rejects sex?

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Thursday 12 August 2010 21:41

Aww how cute ! lol he cares ! lol.

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Friday 13 August 2010 1:49

YDI whore.

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Friday 13 August 2010 3:19

well..he's right now isn't he lol ;)

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Friday 13 August 2010 6:29

i told me gene from the magical land of leprichauns to do that...

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Friday 13 August 2010 11:25

face it. he's trying to prolong the sex with you cuz you're horrible.

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Friday 13 August 2010 13:11

your boyfriend is a dumbass. fyl

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Thursday 26 August 2010 10:33

he don't deserve u shit just gimme a call

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Sunday 9 January 2011 18:27

Sex without love is just sex. Sex with love is marriage.

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Thursday 23 June 2011 19:44

oh no u had to wait 30 minutes to have sex oh no at least u get sex. I don't get no sex

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:18

...wow.

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Thursday 12 August 2010 10:12

learn to take a hint.

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Tuesday 19 July 2011 22:34

hahhahaahaha sux for op, but u gotta luv that boyfriends

22cute 17

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Thursday 22 March 2012 1:19

So dance naked in front of him for 30 min, Op! He should change his mind.

GrammarNaziBoy 0

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:19

That's a sign... he doesn't want you, perhaps?

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:19

haha isn't that the rule for swimming or something

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:20

Yea that's what I thought.

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:22

too bad he put u over pizza. ur bf is fat fail

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:22

hope you went swimming instead

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:22

u should strike him, lol fyl

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:23

The real Fml here is that you two made out after eating pizza.. Not a very appetizing taste you want in your mouth mixed with someone else's saliva. :/

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:24

You haven't lived till you made out with someone after eating pizza Ra. Just sayin'. lol

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:25

eww!

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Thursday 12 August 2010 10:28

The way you type is a turn off.

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Thursday 12 August 2010 10:34

48 = win.

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Thursday 12 August 2010 10:37

Nah, it's not a win. He forgot to put 'just saying.' But thank you for agreeing with me, one chick up there. ^ :]

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Thursday 12 August 2010 10:47

lol yeah it is gross. that's y I also brush my teeth and take a mint before I go n e where near my boyfriend(:

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Thursday 12 August 2010 10:58

48 haha nice

Trollz4daLULZ 1

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Thursday 12 August 2010 13:16

Your breath after eating isn't an issue as long as you both were eating the same thing. IE: if your makeout/fornication partner doesn't eat onions, then you shouldn't either. But if you both do, you won't notice it in each other's breath/saliva.

troubleinharlem 0

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Thursday 12 August 2010 14:57

your username matches your typing. (:

troubleinharlem 0

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Thursday 12 August 2010 14:58

which was directed at #43.

sweetdreams999 0

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:24

your boyfriend is calling you fat. see how long he can go without 'exercising' and he'll be the one writing the next fml. lol

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Thursday 12 August 2010 13:47

fat girls turn me on. as long as they're just a little chubby. and not huge. LOL

applessuckdick 0

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Thursday 12 August 2010 9:24

Wow.....Shank him