Intimacy: Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday, and I thought I'd surprise...

By jane smith - Australia

Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday, and I thought I'd surprise him after work by wearing nothing but a smile on his bed. As I heard someone come in, I had a huge smile on my face. Turns out it was his dad and all his friends. FML

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43396

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Intimacy

Proactive

Season finale

Whatthefuckaburger

By Felinefine - United Kingdom - South Petherton

Today, after changing and dressing my 6-month-old into his super cute brand new outfit, I saw the telltale sign of him about to vomit. Without thinking, I cup my hand under his mouth and catch it all. I had to sit there with a hand full of puke and nowhere to dump it. FML

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13831

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By lexithepirate - United States

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I left with referrals to both a dermatologist and a mental health professional. FML

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21820

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around when he accidentally elbowed me in the eye and I couldn't see. He rolled over, turned on the football game, and told me to just walk upstairs and get ice. He also added that he would like a coke while I am up there. FML

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37839

You deserved it

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By smh - United States - Sacramento

Today, if you live in California, you might have seen a crazy drunk guy naked in front of a McDonald's, waving at everyone. Yeah, that was probably me. FML

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10230

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By Jigll

Today, during my beloved's birthday party, I had so much to drink that I puked all over the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12642

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was crocheting while watching television, and thinking to myself how proud I was that I taught myself to crochet. Then, an episode of Golden Girls came on, and I watched that while I crocheted. I'm 24. FML

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28798

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By climbing the walls - 30/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Today, it’s been nearly six months since our state has been on lockdown. My boyfriend the introvert has never been happier. Meanwhile, I, the extrovert, have been bored to literal tears from the lack of human interactions and travel. There’s only so much Netflix and reading I can do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

932

You deserved it

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By Ticklish - United States - Marion

Today, I realized that my boyfriend is so obsessed with tickling me that my body has developed a conditioned response. Now I flinch every time he touches me, no matter what we're doing. FML

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45569

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home through the middle of nowhere when a screw punctured my car tire. I arrived at the town's only auto shop to find that it had closed early. Frantic, I dialed the emergency number listed on the shop's locked door. On the other side of the glass, a phone began to ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53810

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Godalming

Today, my car broke down. My dad insisted he could fix it, but screwed up in the process. After finally getting the car towed to a mechanic, I was told that I'd only needed a new water pump, but thanks to the damage my dad did, fixing it all will cost me a small fortune. FML

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43760

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By Anonymous

Today, I was woken up by an overly sappy good morning text from my boyfriend, complete with kissy-face images. Before I could text him back, he sent a follow-up. "Oops. Wrong person." Wait, what? FML

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3891

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I woke up, rolled over, and kissed the boy who was peacefully sleeping next to me, cheerfully saying, "Good morning, baby!" That boy is my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 08:00

He's a very naughty boy

Today, a Jehovah's Witness followed me around, talking about Jesus. My dad's a pastor. I hear this stuff all day, every day. FML

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1567

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Croatia - Rijeka

Today, I have a tooth infection that's spread to my jaw and ear. It hurts so badly that I'm practically in tears. Today's also the day I found out I'm allergic to the medication I was prescribed. Everything hurts, I'm covered in hives, and I can't stop throwing up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37084

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, while we were in a hotel, I got so drunk I apparently couldn't find my room, and passed out in the corridor. I woke up to see hotel staff calling security. FML

I agree, your life sucks

634

You deserved it

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By Sara - 22/9/2020 07:54 - Canada

Don't feed the animals

Today, I had to clean up dirt from flipped-over flowerpot mess for the 100th time. Why? Because the neighbour won’t stop feeding the squirrels peanuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

901

You deserved it

156

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By anon - United States - Dublin

Today, I walked into my mother's house to find that she had knitted clothes for some of the household appliances. The toaster was wearing a dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33856

You deserved it

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By Dragoness11 - United Kingdom

Today, at a cheap restaurant, my dad asked me if I wanted a straw. I declined, saying I wanted to do my bit for the environment and not waste plastic when I'm fine without. He grabbed three and dropped them on the sticky table, "just in case." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1585

You deserved it

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By starcatch777 - United States

Today, I blacked out going up a roller coaster. Instead of helping me, my friend took pictures of my face and posted them on Facebook. FML

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35221

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By Malina - Australia - Sydney

Today, I bit into a piece of homegrown lettuce from my garden. Apparently, I'm not the only one to enjoy my produce, because I took a bite out of a small caterpillar. FML

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31804

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a weight loss 'before and after' advertisement and I wished I could at least look like the 'before'. FML

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38339

You deserved it

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By No Nip

Today, I was making breakfast with my parrot on my shoulder. He was excited about the food, and in his rush to climb down to the counter, bit through my nipple. I had to get stitches. FML

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1889

You deserved it

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By guh - Malaysia - Subang Jaya

Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18625

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By Anonymous - United States - Redmond

Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML

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49389

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By Yeppets - United States - Roscoe

Today, I got called "un-American" when I said I didn't care about Kim and Kayne's wedding. FML

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67765

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By Anon - Singapore

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He got a text and reached over to get his phone. In the process, he elbowed my face and busted my lip. He laughed. FML

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29936

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2020 05:01 - United States - Lake Butler

Spy vs. Spy

Today, I panicked when I realized two of my diaries were missing. I turned the house upside down, and found them in the guest room, tucked away in a dresser drawer. My only visitor in the last six months was my mom. I’m 37 years old. FML

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966

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By Fmycar - United States

Today, my football team played in a game against our rival school that was just a few blocks away. We hadn't lost the game in exactly 49 years, we were playing for the 50th year win. We lost 63-0, and got booed off the field by our own crowd. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21347

You deserved it

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By Insomniac - United States

Today, I finally got my stubborn toddler to take an afternoon nap after an hour and a half of wrestling with her. Ten minutes later, a UPS package arrived at my door. The UPS man decided it would be a good idea to ring my doorbell repeatedly in rapid-fire sequence as he was walking away. FML

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30069

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By draegoncode - France

Today, I told my girlfriend of 2 years that I was sexually abused as a kid. She was only the third person I've told. She reacted by breaking up with me because I "might do something" to her kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70358

You deserved it

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By bpruitt95 - United States - Pitkin

Today, I was at a party. Everyone was drunk, and I happened to overhear someone say, "Where's that guy in the black jacket? I'm going to beat his ass!" I wouldn't have thought anything of it, had I not been the only one wearing a black jacket. FML

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29395

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By Jan - United States

Today, my mother topped someone's story of their child's problems by saying I'm on drugs. This resulted in people showing up to stage an intervention for me. She made the whole thing up and I've never used drugs, but no one believes me. FML

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48501

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By musicteacher - United States - Bethania

Today, I've managed to go my whole nine-year teaching career without anyone vomiting in my classroom. That record was broken today when someone vomited four successive times in front of a class of 46 students. It was me. FML

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34333

You deserved it

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By bronieswillrule5eva - Canada - Summerside

Today, I overheard my boss and a co-worker talking about me. Apparently when I speak, I slur my words so badly that it sounds like I'm speaking in tongues. According to my boss, "he could be possessed by a demon right now, and we'd never even notice." FML

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24538

You deserved it

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By uglyallover - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing a game where you ask sexual questions and you have to give an honest answer. At one point, I asked my boyfriend what his favorite position is, to which he quickly answered with no hesitation, "Any one where I don't have to see your face or body." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31154

You deserved it

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By carmelita - Singapore

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot about it and started digging my nose vigorously. He then beeped me and said "Digging for gold, dear? " FML

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11737

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By Tallow101 - United States

Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military. They asked me how much money the government gives them if I die. FML

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56714

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By Fml24609 - United States

Today, I ended up sleeping on the dirty floor because my sister didn't want to share a king sized bed with me. She got up to get a drink and stepped on my face. FML

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38658

You deserved it

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By Nikse - United States

Today, I was at the store with my mother in the facial care section. I found this device that scrubs your face with those anti-bacterial pads. The aisle was crowded and noisy, so I shouted to my mother, "Can I have this vibrator thing?" It went silent. FML

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By Gaz47

Today, I was online dating and a girl from high school messaged me. Thinking she might have matured since we're now in our 40's, I messaged back. She then said it was a joke and that I'm still a desperate, pathetic nerd trying to score with the hottest girl in class. FML

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Top comments

By texassmile05 | 0

#1052064 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:05

Ha-ha. I bet you made their day!!! 

By ArtIsResistance7 | 1

#1052027 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:01

Damn! I bet that was fun on the bun.

COMMENTS

By ArtIsResistance7 | 1

#1052027 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:01

Damn! I bet that was fun on the bun.

M13LO | 0

#1052040 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:03

well I'm sure they all had smiles on their faces to

ATL_chris | 6

#1052116 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:12

lol wow..

jennnnrawr | 0

#1052144 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:17

fun on the bun? well i guess that works...

fakeking2 | 0

#1052146 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:17

ur smart >.>

itchyballs | 0

#1052176 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:22

why would you wear a smile costume? I'm not an expert but that does not seem very sexy to me

nilrem_fml | 0

#1052201 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:29

I got this. one dick in the mouth, two In each nostrils, two hands for each chest balls, four in the pussy two in the butthole and above it all your boyfriends get to come and watch.

a bit too crude, I know.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#1052211 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:30

Don't drop the soap...

eazyeeze | 0

#1052217 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:31

#17-beautiful diagram. I shed a tear and a sperm

Maelific | 0

#1052238 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:37

Dear penthouse forum,
walked in on my sons hot gf. naked and smiling.... jackpot!!

TaylorTotsYumm | 10

#1052243 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:38

Invite some of your girlfriends and have some fun?

;D

StopTheFuckinCar_fml | 0

#1052295 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:53

gangbang, ftw

deathcab7 | 0

#1052390 - Thursday 1 July 2010 20:33

haaa why would you be naked in your bf's house if his dad and friends were home?

jjtivey97 | 0

#1052418 - Thursday 1 July 2010 20:43

16 wins

RyanG_21 | 0

#1052457 - Thursday 1 July 2010 20:58

hahahaha #20 = win

White_Fury | 0

#1052610 - Thursday 1 July 2010 22:15

hahahaha dad ftw!

Maxyyy | 3

#1052802 - Thursday 1 July 2010 23:39

no1 the answer is X=8

Kiill3rQu33n16 | 0

#1052824 - Thursday 1 July 2010 23:44

orgyyyy!!!! :)
haa. ydi for wearin nothin but a smile.

emis145 | 2

#1052967 - Friday 2 July 2010 1:12

Comment moderated

devilyy | 2

#1053077 - Friday 2 July 2010 2:30

Oh yeah you surprised someone,just not your boyfriend :P I bet that "huge smile" went away in a second after his dad came in the room :P

afllegend | 0

#1053086 - Friday 2 July 2010 2:33

dear OP, can you please teach my gf to be like you :/
if she did something like that I'd probably have a heartache from the shock

s2000lover | 0

#1053315 - Friday 2 July 2010 5:02

pics or it didn't happen :)

Zukox | 0

#1053589 - Friday 2 July 2010 7:33

I like how no one pointed this up coming flaw out....
How could you not hear multiple people coming?
I'm pretty sure all of them were completely silent.

abcdefghijKayla | 0

#1053668 - Friday 2 July 2010 8:27

I love how, when you press the ydi button, it says "yeah, way to show em!"

SOTYsNumber1Fan | 0

#1054451 - Friday 2 July 2010 11:17

why would his dad and all his friends walk in to his sons bedroom?

stewpididiot | 11

#1058165 - Saturday 3 July 2010 16:20

and bulges in their pants too. BOIIINNG!!!!!

justin769 | 0

#1066878 - Tuesday 6 July 2010 9:29

damn ur hot!!

dragonight | 0

#1068198 - Tuesday 6 July 2010 19:08

I agree with 85 and not just because he's hott!!

Iowa123 | 0

#1143298 - Monday 26 July 2010 15:17

17- You're sick. And NOT in the good way... that's really disgusting.

SoniaKarina | 3

#2513974 - Sunday 15 May 2011 14:11

gang bang.

PleaseTickleUs | 7

#6189899 - Monday 2 February 2015 4:40

is nobody going to mention the Futurama reference here?

By joeyisinsane | 0

#1052029 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:02

I hope like hell that u were in the kitchen

rebelharmony | 0

#1052135 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:15

why would the bed be in the kitchen??

LMFAOwned | 9

#1052254 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:41

Lmfao #14 FTW

LMFAOwned | 9

#1052267 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:43

lololololol scratch that..... #20 FTW!

eshhayz | 0

#1053287 - Friday 2 July 2010 4:51

you were like a buffet :) dig in boys !!!

xXLenaXx | 0

#1057608 - Saturday 3 July 2010 12:22

Soooooo, you mistook your one guy for a stampede of men? :| FYL for being a MASSIVE retard.

By texassmile05 | 0

#1052064 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:05

Ha-ha. I bet you made their day!!! 

956TXking | 0

#1052443 - Thursday 1 July 2010 20:54

cougar alert^^

eshhayz | 0

#1054465 - Friday 2 July 2010 11:36

on the prowl

eshhayz | 0

#1063147 - Sunday 4 July 2010 19:14

quit stalking peoples profiles you paedofile

By iamchuck | 0

#1052094 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:08

I bet his dad encourages him to marry you!!!

Maelific | 0

#1052246 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:39

lol! damned right chuck!!

MudPuddleMica | 0

#1053573 - Friday 2 July 2010 7:23

ROFL!!! You made me laugh almost as hard as the fml did =]

scooter69 | 0

#1053602 - Friday 2 July 2010 7:37

#84 you're Hott!!

justin769 | 0

#1066890 - Tuesday 6 July 2010 9:31

#86 I agree

By RachelUriah | 0

#1052096 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:08

Nice momma.

PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#1052319 - Thursday 1 July 2010 20:03

time to go family style

By littlemissdqgirl | 8

#1052106 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:10

yiks:/

Maelific | 0

#1052257 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:41

oh. noes!!! pfft I say OH YES!

By LauraTheKiwi | 0

#1052122 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:13

LOL. poor you ;)

By amerwin | 3

#1052129 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:14

come on ride the train.. and ride it.. choo-choo!!

By relyo | 0

#1052152 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:18

pics or it didn't happen.

FFML_314 | 11

#1052308 - Thursday 1 July 2010 20:00

You're in a library, with a suit on and a snowman on your head, where do you live?

Magimus | 1

#1052335 - Thursday 1 July 2010 20:07

call me a dork but those shelves sure look like a barnes and noble bool store lol

relyo | 0

#1052974 - Friday 2 July 2010 1:17

That pic was taken in a B&N in Colorado Springs, CO but I live in Vegas now.

DerrickJames | 33

#5342152 - Sunday 27 January 2013 11:33

66 lives in Vegas because CO couldn't handle him.

By iluvcheer11 | 0

#1052262 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:42

BAHAHA I bet that was SO awkward. o.O