Today, it was my birthday dinner with my family. Everyone was... - FML

By Singleton - 2/1/2010 00:33 - Canada

Today, it was my birthday dinner with my family. Everyone was making an effort to avoid a certain topic. Later my 5 year old cousin gives me a nice hand drawn card of me and my boyfriend. Apparently no one had the heart to tell her my boyfriend had broken up with me on my birthday. FML

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Instadrama

Stubborn

Spooky

By sweet92 - 15/5/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, I went to a store to buy pants for a new job. A really hot guy helped me get a pair down from a high shelf so I could try them on. He had flirted with me so I hurried in the fitting room so I could go talk to him. Note to self: Check to see if you have pants on after trying on clothes. FML

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By thatguy - 25/6/2011 07:47 - Canada

Today, my mom got drunk and told me to leave the house because "I've been mooching off her for too long". I'm 14 and now am sleeping at my friends house. FML

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By nutrigrain123 - 23/5/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, I was driving in my car with my daughter, who was eating a nutri-grain bar. After a while she holds out her hand saying, "It's on my finger! I don't wanna eat it!" I pick up the little piece of nutri-grain filling and put it in my mouth, only to realize it was a large booger. FML

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By kilamo80 - 27/7/2013 09:26 - United States - Clarkston

Today, I found out why we've had to replace 3 washing machines this year. My sister thinks that "huge capacity" means "load the washing machine until no more clothes will fit." It blows the motor every time. She's 31. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2019 20:05

In the zone

Today, I was flirting with a girl I like when she confessed she was into another guy. I then proceeded to wingman for that guy, telling her to take her shot with him before the chance went away. Effectively sticking myself into the friendzone. FML

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By octoberrain - 12/10/2011 15:41 - United States

Today, my upstairs neighbor was leaving the parking lot, and stopped to wave. I smiled and waved back, only to realize that she was saying goodbye to her cat, who was sitting in the window. FML

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By bosslady - 30/6/2015 09:57 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, my intern was given his own office. I have been asking to move out of my cubicle for nearly four years. FML

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By somewhatlucky - 27/12/2011 09:42 - United States

Today, my mom convinced me that she and my dad were getting divorced. I have anxiety problems, so I had a panic attack. She then laughed, and said, "Just kidding, I wanted to see your reaction. It's the best so far." FML

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By embarrassed - 20/12/2010 14:51 - United States

Today, I slipped at work while putting out a "wet floor" sign to make sure the customers didn't slip. FML

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By alliobamy - 28/9/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, I found an old friend of mine on Facebook. After adding her, I suggested friends for her. She ended up adding every single one I added, but not me. I later saw her ask one of those friends who the hell I was and how I knew all of them. We used to eat lunch together everyday. FML

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By AzNFoo - 26/3/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, my friends and me had a little water balloon fight and somehow it led to throwing water balloons at cars. We all decided to hit a car all at once, after one came by we all hit it. The car stopped and started flashing bright blue lights. We ended up hitting an off-duty police car. FML

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By Husband - 22/11/2016 14:33 - United States - Washington

Today, I asked my husband if he wanted to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. He choked on his own spit to avoid answering the question. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2016 01:15 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, one of my friends made it to school. He has been sick recently, missing days out of the week. When I saw him, I greeted him with, "Were you dying yesterday?" Apparently he wasn't, but his grandmother really did. FML

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By brittbrat4 - 5/7/2011 00:25 - United States

Today, I was jamming out in my car, tapping my fingers on the wheel and bobbing my head. At the next stoplight, I happened to look over and the passenger of the car next to me was holding a sign in the window saying, "I bet you don't have a boyfriend, do you?" FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, while talking online with my boyfriend, the conversation turns sexual. He stops responding but I continue with the conversation. Then I get a response: "this is his sister. He fell asleep and I need the computer. I'll tell him you said goodnight, but not that other stuff". FML

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By MaKaDa - 23/9/2009 11:28 - United States

Today, I realized that my coach doesn't close the door and the blinds to perform half-naked body checks (to make sure his team is in shape) on anyone else but me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 14:07

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Today, I had people coming over to buy some chairs from me. I took a screenshot of their profile because I was home alone, and watch enough ID to be cautious. I thought I'd sent it to my fiancé. I'd sent it to them instead. Now my anxiety is through the roof. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 23:02 - Ireland - Waterford

Today, I spent nearly half an hour trying to dispel my sister's belief that men have to strap down their penises before going jogging. FML

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By anon - 5/9/2016 08:17 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, I gained the courage to talk to the guy I have a crush on. In a dying part of the conversation, I panicked and ended up asking him if he was gay. He replied no and seemed offended, so I quickly added, "You just seem a little gay sometimes, in a good way." He took more offense and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2016 03:53 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I woke up to 15 texts from my mom, 6 missed calls, and with no bra or shirt on in a random guy's bed. Welcome to spring break, ladies and gentleman. FML

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By O - 24/2/2015 10:19 - Sweden

Today, my boss called me, furious about how I "never answer my phone", especially when important clients are trying to reach me, and how unprofessional I am. I make very sure to never miss any calls, my boss just keeps giving out the wrong number to people. FML

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By lpilou - 21/11/2008 05:40 - France

Today, I was finally able to get to know a girl at university who I'd been eyeing up for months. We had a nice conversation. We discovered that we live in the same area, and so we talked about that. I told her that the little restaurant under my house was really disgusting. Her parents own it. FML

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By esb - 13/8/2009 15:23 - Canada

Today, I finally had sex with this great guy I've been seeing. I thought I'd found a catch. We get into his room, start kissing, and things heat up. Everything is perfect until he reaches under his bed, pulls out a doughnut and shoves it into my mouth, snarling, "eat it, eat it!" FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2014 05:00 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I pulled up next to a lady who was trying to text, smoke, and drive. My brother said that she was probably going to cause an accident. He was right. At the next light she hit us. She then yelled that I purposely caused the accident because, "that's how teenagers are". FML

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By FMluck - 26/2/2009 22:11 - United States

Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter than his and that at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. Then he said yeah, I just wish that your vag was the same way. FML

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By Unlucky - 16/6/2009 10:49 - Saudi Arabia

Today, my daughter finally walked down the aisle with a man she loves very much. While I was escorting her, I managed to trip and fall down revealing what I've been trying to hide all of this time: my shiny gleaming bald head that showed when my wig fell off. FML

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By joyful-not - 26/10/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, my sister got married. For the second time. She's 30. Two men have loved her enough to cry over their vows to her. Every single person there asked me why I wasn't married yet. FML

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By sadgoblin - 23/7/2018 03:00

Today, the cashier at Walmart kept getting distracted and laughing hysterically while ringing up my items because she couldn’t get past how much I "look like a goblin". She then called her manager over, who agreed. FML

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By sgibson982136 - 3/6/2019 20:00

Today, I spent 30 minutes ringing up a Guinea pig and supplies for a customer who talked like a sloth, all while she argued with over the price of everything, only for her to return it all 5 minutes later because her sister "changed her mind." FML

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By SendHelpAndBleach - 15/6/2018 05:00

Today, I decided to surprise my parents who I haven’t seen in a while. They weren’t home, but I still have a key so I let myself in. When I went to my old room to put down my bags, I was greeted by a sex swing. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2013 00:21 - United States - Matteson

Today, my girlfriend decided to wake me up from a nap by kissing me. I started kissing her back passionately, when she slapped me. Apparently, kissing her back automatically without "confirming her identity" counts as cheating. FML

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By alucas3 - 29/5/2016 20:14 - United States

Today, I got a rental car because my car needed new tires and I had a long drive ahead of me. Today, the rental car got a flat tire. FML

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By best_friend - 25/7/2011 06:43 - United States

Today, I went to my friend's house because his family was having a move away party for him. Everything was going good until his dad decided to give a toast. Including an anecdote about how he walked in on us watching porn together. FML

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By pride? what's that? :( - 1/9/2012 00:23 - Belgium - Leuven

Today, I was feeling depressed and got very, very drunk. This evening, I was feeling equally desperate, and ended up having to get my special dildo removed from my asshole at the hospital. FML

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By Rubyscooby212 - 15/2/2015 04:07 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, alone on Valentine's day, I decided to eat chocolate and watch romantic comedies in bed. I had an allergic reaction to the chocolate which sent me to the ER. FML

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By Christopher Tobler - 26/4/2019 20:00 - United States - New York

Today, I found out that my mom paints, and that I was artistically represented in a painting, as Satan, in a painting made shortly after I told her that I was an atheist. FML

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By Jack - 26/10/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I was in minding my own business in bed in my dorm room. It was dark and my roommate came over, intending to slap my ass really hard. The problem is, I was lying face up. FML

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By suspiciouspeople - 5/8/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, I discovered that sitting in the back of your car from 8-9 p.m. talking with a friend in a park area is suspicious enough behavior to have cops called on you, then for backup to arrive. FML

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By Disappointed - 4/9/2020 20:08 - Austria

Quickie

Today, my 6-minute-long-shower lasted 3 times as long as the sex prior to it. Including foreplay. FML

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By scarletdurose88 - 19/4/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, is my 21st birthday. I get home after my night out and walk into the garage to see a 2002 Red Corvette convertible. I run up to the car thinking its a gift and there's a note: "Dani this is not your birthday present. Quit drooling on my car. -Dad" Thanks Dad. FML

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Top comments

By cozcat | 0

#750176 - Saturday 2 January 2010 9:40

Boyfriend: jerk.
Cousin: a little sweetie.

By jamie_leeann23 | 0

#750204 - Saturday 2 January 2010 9:53

awww thts cute now email it to ur ex and say: see you bastard look what you've done breaking my little cousins heart. he'll feel bad. they all do. ;)

COMMENTS

By Starchild21 | 3

#750150 - Saturday 2 January 2010 9:31

=( That's terrible. But then again I don't think she would be able to understand.

_____________________________
www.myspace.com/rapid99

Reply

rjrudman | 0

#750447 - Saturday 2 January 2010 13:11

Op.. how exactly is this an FML? He broke up with you ON THE DAY. You do realize 1) she probably drew it beforehand, and 2) There wasn't enough time to even tell her, let alone make her understand? Quit being a whiny little bitch and get over yourself. Fuck me.

Reply

time4coffee | 3

#750455 - Saturday 2 January 2010 13:18

Your family was making an effort NOT to bring this up, being nice - and a 5 yo gave you a hand drawn birthday card. You should be grateful for this not complaining.

Reply

Reyo | 2

#751653 - Sunday 3 January 2010 2:11

You should beat the crap out of your 5 year old cousin since that's the ONLY logical answer to this obviously life ending situation.

Reply

Ace118 | 0

#752049 - Sunday 3 January 2010 5:55

The point is not that she's mad at the 5 year old. The point is that she was broken up with ON HER BIRTHDAY.

Reply

abcnonamecba | 0

#1035813 - Saturday 19 June 2010 11:17

why is EVERYONE. usIng RanDom CaPS

By yasmeenjonasx3 | 0

#750170 - Saturday 2 January 2010 9:38

Aw. Sowee, what a douche monkey. I feel your pain. 

Reply

jannie22 | 0

#2575820 - Saturday 28 May 2011 0:45

I'd have to beat the fuck outta my ex if I were you

By dacman48 | 0

#750172 - Saturday 2 January 2010 9:39

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

whatwasthatnoise | 0

#750192 - Saturday 2 January 2010 9:47

well arnt you just a lovely person

Reply

zaphilia | 0

#750866 - Saturday 2 January 2010 18:58

What's "ingrateful" mean? The FML of this is the fact that the card reminded the OP of the fact that her boyfriend just broke up with her on her birthday. If he hadn't have done that, then I'm sure she would've loved the card.

Reply

fightingkittens | 39

#1664129 - Monday 8 November 2010 3:58

Wow........you're nice. You actually think she's blaming her little cousin for what happened? THE POINT IS THAT HER BOYFRIEND BROKE UP WITH HER ON HER BIRTHDAY, JERK.

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#3104612 - Sunday 14 August 2011 4:16

you jealousss?

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#3104614 - Sunday 14 August 2011 4:16

you jealousss?

Reply

lunaforever21 | 14

#7563191 - Sunday 12 November 2017 13:19

the amount of spelling errors in your comment makes me assume you need to go back to school

By cozcat | 0

#750176 - Saturday 2 January 2010 9:40

Boyfriend: jerk.
Cousin: a little sweetie.

Reply

xxfamousgrl218xx | 0

#751942 - Sunday 3 January 2010 4:53

Agreed :)

By Thornod | 0

#750188 - Saturday 2 January 2010 9:45

..

By Cowman3340 | 0

#750191 - Saturday 2 January 2010 9:46

slut

By jamie_leeann23 | 0

#750204 - Saturday 2 January 2010 9:53

awww thts cute now email it to ur ex and say: see you bastard look what you've done breaking my little cousins heart. he'll feel bad. they all do. ;)

Reply

polico_wolf | 0

#750535 - Saturday 2 January 2010 14:42

I wouldnt

Reply

effyoubitch | 5

#3536607 - Thursday 3 November 2011 16:27

My little girl would give you a "stupid stamp"

By inmora | 0

#750205 - Saturday 2 January 2010 9:54

if it was me, I would be thankful, a five year old stop and thought about you and drew you a picture

Reply

ambear26 | 14

#4769446 - Friday 3 August 2012 22:08

I don't think that's the point of the FML ..

By singer4life666 | 0

#750219 - Saturday 2 January 2010 10:00

Be happy you have a sweet little cousin!

By iranoutofnames | 6

#750221 - Saturday 2 January 2010 10:01

so you broke up. u ganna blame her? blow it off she's fine and misinformed. no fml other than the breakup itself...

Reply

shinrawr | 0

#2854746 - Saturday 9 July 2011 9:12

that IS the FML dude