Work: Today, it's my last day at my job because I'm moving to another...

By Bawsack - 26/09/2016 10:10 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, it's my last day at my job because I'm moving to another city. My boss handed me a card and chocolates. The same boss that didn't sign the card because, "Even though you're a great employee, I probably won't remember your name in a fortnight." I've been there three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 829

You deserved it 1 099

Work

Mama's boy

I can't quit you

Overreaction club

ACAB

By Anonymous - 17/10/2019 02:00 - United States

Today, I got pulled over by a cop and got slammed with a ticket for expired tabs on my motorcycle. The DMV was literally across the street. I was heading there to get new tabs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 495

You deserved it 647

Long wait

By teebs - 14/01/2020 20:00 - United States - San Leandro

Today, on my way for a vacation, my car started misfiring, so I called a tow truck. 40 minutes later the tow truck arrived. He then said that he had just gotten another priority call, so he was leaving and someone would be back in another hour to get us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 453

You deserved it 164

By NowBroke - 04/04/2016 09:38 - United Kingdom - Malmesbury

Today, I found out my mother drives my car. I was okay with it; I don't use it all the time and she's my mother. However, I was not okay with the multiple speeding tickets that came through in the post. "You're the registered keeper, so why should I pay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 514

You deserved it 1 822

By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 06:56 - United States

Today, I was in a public toilet, enduring an extremely awkward silence between myself and the person in the next stall. In my rush to get out of there, I managed to get my ass stuck in the toilet seat, and ended up being pulled out by the maintenance men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 339

You deserved it 8 062

By ciararow - 14/04/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally let me take his dog on a walk, after two years of not trusting me to keep her safe. During the walk, a car drove by, causing her to run after it and pulling the leash out of my hand. Five hours later, and I still can't find her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 100

You deserved it 26 131

By Brad - 07/09/2018 18:30

Today, I was on a 3-way call with my wife and the bank. The bank said we didn't qualify for school loans, which means I have to drop out. As soon as the bank hung up, my wife stayed on the line to tell me she wants a divorce and that she regrets our marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 786

You deserved it 203

By sucks - 05/01/2011 07:41 - Netherlands

Today, my boss walked in and said something I didn't quite hear, but my co-worker chuckled so to be polite, I laughed with him. They gave me some weird looks. My boss was actually talking about his wife's tumor and my co-worker was coughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 744

You deserved it 34 488

By Urinator - 16/09/2015 18:26 - United Kingdom - Inchture

Today, I invited a girl back to my house and she seemed cool. I then left to go to the toilet. When I came back, there was a giant wet patch on the rug. The girl then blamed it on my dog, whose picture is on the wall. My dog died last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 655

You deserved it 1 898

By lisahb - 19/06/2012 22:16 - United States - Detroit

Today, my mom took me to dinner. She told me about an argument that she and her boyfriend had, and she showed me the texts. While reading, I learned that she smells his dick before sucking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 379

You deserved it 3 295

Ouch!

By pickle - 20/09/2019 06:01

Today, I applied mascara directly onto my eyeball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 153

You deserved it 516

By Xandriajoy10 - 04/01/2016 05:21 - Australia

Today, my 5 year-old informed me she likes her "other mummy" more and wants to live with her instead. I need to have a long conversation with my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 310

You deserved it 1 915

Dreamweaver

By Anonymous - 09/02/2021 08:01

Today, I woke up with a scream of pain to find the reason I've had so many realistic dreams lately: my boyfriend has been messing with me in my sleep because he thinks my reactions are funny. For instance, when he pinched me today, I experienced a very realistic wasp sting in my dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 242

You deserved it 94

Sorry!

By Tally - 24/09/2009 16:16 - Canada

Today, I got flowers at work. I was excited, until I saw they were from a friend saying, "Sorry for sleeping with your boyfriend!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 697

You deserved it 2 851

By Canonlizardjet - 13/02/2017 08:00 - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I had a near-death experience. Went to print a document and a lizard shot out of the printer right out at me. Gives a whole new meaning to a Canon printer, a fricking lizard Canon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 516

You deserved it 564

By oneiPodlighter - 10/10/2013 03:03 - United States - Conshohocken

Today, my "friend" came over. I caught him trying to steal my iPod on the way out. Proud of myself for catching him, I asked him to leave, only to realize that I had forgotten to actually take the iPod back from him before he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 899

You deserved it 24 765

By FuckedByLife - 12/02/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom - Bridgend

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend of two years was cheating on me. How? His other girlfriend crashed her car into mine and had him pick her up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 852

You deserved it 545

By gmian - 06/12/2015 05:06 - United States - Amherst

Today, at work, I used my foot to flush the toilet, lost my balance, and ended up catching myself with my foot in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 353

You deserved it 10 949

By Anonymous - 22/03/2013 23:21 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I was feeling a bit insecure about my body, and I told my boyfriend I don't know how he can even stand to have sex with me. He replied, "I know, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 330

You deserved it 19 222

By Seanzy - 30/03/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, the girl I've had a crush on forever asked me why the pin on my Letterman jacket had two guys doing it. I told her it was for participating in a wrestling tournament. And she responded, "Oh I thought you were finally coming out of the closet!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 894

You deserved it 6 838

Jagged Little Pill

By Anonymous - 02/10/2019 22:01

Today, my daughter wanted to show me the tooth she had just lost. As I was in a rush to leave for work, I quickly picked up and swallowed my pill that was on the kitchen table. It was only until I looked back down at the table did I see not only my pill, but one extremely angry daughter glaring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 461

You deserved it 845

By Anonymous - 06/10/2011 04:23 - United States

Today, a customer handed me the ankle-length hosiery she had just used to try on some shoes, and as I sat there feeling the warm dampness of them in the palm of my hand, she said "You should throw those away, I have a toe fungus." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 942

You deserved it 2 925

By Anonymous - 02/11/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, I finally had the opportunity to have sex with my girlfriend. This would be the first time for both of us, so I tried to make it really special. I had everything planned out to be very romantic. She loved how it was set up. After all this, I couldn't get it up at all, all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 996

You deserved it 5 083

By Anonymous - 30/07/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went on vacation. We flew 2000 miles, got off the plane, got our bags and stood outside the airport for our ride. She looks at me and says, "I can't do this anymore." So, she broke up with me and flew back home. Now I'm on vacation alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 114

You deserved it 4 003

By Sucks2beme - 09/11/2017 15:00

Today, a cute guy who works in my building said, “Wow! You look hot.” I blushed and replied, “Oh thanks!” He then said, “Oh, no. I meant you look sweaty. Is it hot outside?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 129

You deserved it 432

By fiercehawk - 18/02/2014 05:45 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I went on a blind date. At the end of the night, I told him I had a surprisingly great time. He replied, "Yeah, that was fun. You're really funny and smart. If you were pretty, I'd totally go out with you again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 092

You deserved it 5 316

By Lilypad - 12/03/2013 00:21 - France - Versailles

Today, I asked my boyfriend to give me a back rub. He claimed that he had a sore hand, so I retorted, "You have two hands, right?" Still bitter about not being able to have sex with me while I'm on my period, he shot back, "You have two holes, right?" I give up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 622

You deserved it 56 387

By Koko - 07/04/2016 16:07 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my dog was so happy to see me that he laid down on his back and started pissing like a fountain. He pissed on everything around him, including me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 729

You deserved it 1 903

By letstradefamilies - 21/12/2015 21:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my relatives told me that when I stay at their house for the holidays, I'm no longer allowed to be out past 10 because somebody drugged my drink once. I'm a 25 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 310

You deserved it 1 816

By virginmary - 02/03/2010 12:38 - Reserved

Today, I was making out like a sixteen year old at the high school prom with this guy I kinda liked. All of a sudden, he rolls away and tells me he's "finished." We both had our clothes on the entire time. He is 23, I'm 25. I didn't know that was possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 317

You deserved it 3 834

Bye bye Tiddles

By Anonymous - 05/07/2020 05:02

Today, while I was driving around the neighborhood, I passed my neighbors' house only to see their dog with a full-grown dead cat in its mouth. Only one family owns a cat in our neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 310

You deserved it 98

By pist - 13/05/2018 01:30

Today, I was lying in a lawn chair next to my wooden fence when a yellow liquid started spraying me. The neighbor's douchebag son was peeing through the small hole in the fence and soaked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 649

You deserved it 276

By Anonymous - 15/05/2012 14:13 - United States

Today, I found out my best friend was having a birthday party and I wasn't invited, so I asked her why. She replied, "what birthday party?" It was a surprise birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 336

You deserved it 31 129

By sailinggsoul - 02/08/2019 00:01

Today, I bought a box of tampons and went to the store restroom to insert one. I then put the box inside my purse. On my way out, I got stopped by security, who yelled at me to empty my purse. He grabbed my bag, spilling the tampons everywhere. Apparently, he thought I was stealing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 852

You deserved it 150

Poor pillow

By Randy Candy - 12/02/2021 17:01 - United States

Today, I was having a fantastic sex dream. So good, in fact, that I woke myself up breathing heavily and humping my pillow. I was at my friend's house and she saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 141

You deserved it 236

By SoCalStoopid - 09/09/2011 21:17 - United States

Today, to save money, I bought some meat in bulk. When I got home, I was told that power to the neighborhood was out, and probably would be for days. Rather than let the meat rot, I barbecued it all and gave it away to my neighbors. The power came on while everyone was eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 872

You deserved it 4 440

By Random - 04/04/2017 07:00 - Canada - Langley

Today, I told my crush, who I've liked for a while, that I liked him. He looked at me in pure terror and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 969

You deserved it 367

By worried - 16/08/2011 13:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I heard that a boy in my class had written a song about me. Intrigued, I went to see him perform. I spent 3 excruciating minutes listening to a song about 'the girl of his dreams', his tear-filled eyes staring into mine the whole time. I have to sit next to this freak for the next 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 679

You deserved it 55 202

By Anonymous - 30/09/2009 09:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I left home to start my new life at University. Saying goodbye to my mother, the last thing she said to me was "Don't turn gay". I'm gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 754

You deserved it 11 129

By astocks - 24/09/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I found a picture of my military husband kissing another woman. His excuse? It was photoshopped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 968

You deserved it 3 219

By Anonymous - 20/05/2018 01:30

Today, I sneezed without knowing I had a nosebleed. Despite turning my head, a fine blood spray shot out all over my fiancée’s white dress as we were standing at the altar. She refused to say “I do” because she was so mad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 987

You deserved it 542

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Top comments

Tripartita 44

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Monday 26 September 2016 18:15

It probably sounded better in his mind than "I /really/ want an excuse to use the word 'fortnight'."

cacheson 41

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Monday 26 September 2016 17:20

Hey, at least you got some chocolates! A lot of bosses wouldn't even bother with that. Chocolate makes everything better.

thatnucca 36

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Monday 26 September 2016 17:19

He's just being unnecessarily salty... Congratulations on your new gig OP...

cacheson 41

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Monday 26 September 2016 17:20

Hey, at least you got some chocolates! A lot of bosses wouldn't even bother with that. Chocolate makes everything better.

RichardPencil 30

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Monday 26 September 2016 18:54

You're right. I once caught my girlfriend in bed with my best friend, but they gave me chocolates and I was ok with it.

Lalala579121 27

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Monday 26 September 2016 23:00

Except for chocolate addiction.

mariri9206 32

Tuesday 27 September 2016 12:39

Or for that guy Spongebob who just kept yelling "CHOCOLATE!"

stingray112 24

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Monday 26 September 2016 17:32

You've done all you can do

ayyy_bro 26

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Monday 26 September 2016 17:32

What a dick.

ragnarok1540 39

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Monday 26 September 2016 17:39

Sounds like someone is bitter that you're leaving. Be happy that you no longer have to work with such an immature ass ... Unless of course you're a large animal vet and your next job involves caring for juvenile donkeys!

xelarea 14

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Monday 26 September 2016 17:44

He may be bad with names. At least, for me personally, it's easy to remember someone by face and appearance but names are impossible unless I've lived with them for a long time or they became a close friend. If not, he's probably just being silly. Parting gifts don't usually come from someone who dislikes you. Maybe you can reuse the card?

yerawizardlizzy 27

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Monday 26 September 2016 18:26

I'm going to guess other coworkers signed it.

tmj25789 23

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Monday 26 September 2016 17:49

He may not remember your name in the future but at least he cared enough to give a card and chocolates. If you weren't a good employee, I doubt he would have even did that.

Chikiriwak 17

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Monday 26 September 2016 18:09

Well, you can always just try and forget his name. Also you got chocolates, enjoy 'em.

TMO2142 25

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Monday 26 September 2016 18:13

Maybe your boss is use to saying your name on a daily basis and if he doesnt say it he forgets sometimes, I have that issue sometimes

Tripartita 44

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Monday 26 September 2016 18:15

It probably sounded better in his mind than "I /really/ want an excuse to use the word 'fortnight'."

J352SAURUS 30

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Wednesday 28 September 2016 7:00

I know that people in Australia and the U.K. use the word "fortnight" regularly. It's a really common thing. For example, my mother gets paid fortnightly. I take it that Americans (or other English speakers for that matter) don't use that word too often? I'm not hating or anything, just genuinely curious.