By DrySpellcaster - 7/10/2020 16:57

Get it on, bang a gong

Today, it’s been so long since I’ve had sex, even my wet dreams are about doing it solo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1067

You deserved it

202

Tweet

Share

Late term

Call CPS!

Rock and a hard place

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my lip pierced. By the orthodontist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41222

You deserved it

3225

Tweet

Share

By Inod - United States

Today, I finally got a Wii Fit to try and lose some weight. I came home and set it all up, only to be told that I weigh too much to actually use it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61936

You deserved it

32276

Tweet

Share

By SNBBFF - United States

Today, it was my birthday. We had a huge family dinner and everyone was invited, including my boyfriend. My family is kind of stuck-up, so I was very nervous about him meeting them. He got into an argument with my uncle over how "awesome" Van Halen is, and ignored me all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27823

You deserved it

4286

Tweet

Share

By Fitz - United States

Today, I overheard my mother and sister talking so I stopped to eavesdrop. I recently enlisted in the Marines, and they were talking about what they would do with the money if I died. FML

I agree, your life sucks

184491

You deserved it

14223

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I had an interview for my dream job. I spent all of last night preparing, researching the company, and making sure everything was perfect. My interview was for 8am. I woke up at 10:30 to an alarm that had not gone off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50035

You deserved it

8159

Tweet

Share

By kufan1324 - United States

Today, my boss became obsessed with a movie about a pimp. He now refers to all my female coworkers as his "bitches" and refuses to treat us like human beings. Whenever we make a mistake, he rolls his eyes and laughs, "So typical of a prostie." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38070

You deserved it

3319

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was chased on my bike by a couple of guys in a car. I rode into a public park to cut through and try to lose them. I looked by to check if they were following me, but they had to stop. I laughed, looked forward, and rammed into a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31233

You deserved it

9524

Tweet

Share

By dumbasdogshit - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, I discovered that when a cyclist tears down the street, slaps you across the face as he passes, looks back laughing and flips you off, then crashes into a lamppost, he'll still blame you and threaten to sue, even after you rush over to check his injuries. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36675

You deserved it

2533

Tweet

Share

By starboy - United States

Today, I was humming the Star Wars theme song while on the bus. When my stop came I walked down the aisle only to hear a girl mutter, "The virginity is strong in this one." She's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28147

You deserved it

20111

Tweet

Share

By homeless - United States

Today, I got home from work to find an eviction notice taped to my door, stating that I was a nuisance and had 30 days to vacate the property. I live at home with my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30306

You deserved it

8840

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a date after being alone for the past 2 years. The girl who my friends set me up with began asking my monthly income, my current occupation, and asked if I have a credit card account. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27371

You deserved it

2023

Tweet

Share

By scribbler8 - Canada

Today, at work, a customer asked for my number. When I declined, he made a huge scene, shouting and scaring other customers. He tipped me seven cents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27353

You deserved it

2560

Tweet

Share

By DevastatedWoman - Belgium - Kalmthout

Today, my doctor told me I'm pregnant. Since we've been trying for several years, I called my husband to tell him the good news. Not long after, my doctor called to inform me there'd been a clerical mix-up and I'm not actually pregnant after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36428

You deserved it

2012

Tweet

Share

By Geckosrock99

Hangry

Today, my iguana tried to eat my hand. Taking that as a sign of being hungry, I gave him a bowl of fruits and veggies. After he finished the bowl, he tried to eat my hand again. My iguana's an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13208

You deserved it

1822

Tweet

Share

By rook - United States

Today, my parents tried to convince me to get a divorce. My wife and I are perfectly fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32510

You deserved it

2616

Tweet

Share

By Isoldael - Netherlands

Today, I caught three kids setting fire to a bush. After chasing them off, I parked my bike by a house and went to get water. After I'd put the fire out, I walked back to my bike just in time to see the kids running off with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32967

You deserved it

5087

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States - Lubbock

Today, I was doing homework and I had my leg bent in a funny position. When I stood up, my hip dislocated. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. When people ask me what happened, I have to say I dislocated my hip doing calculus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31233

You deserved it

3253

Tweet

Share

By faeliality - United States

Today, I discovered that yes, you CAN forget how to ride a bike. Too bad I discovered this in front of all my son's friends and their parents while at his birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9939

You deserved it

1401

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - Canada - Fergus

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary. I had cooked him a romantic meal and we were planning on eating it in front of the fire. This would have gone great had I not forgotten to unblock the chimney. My entire basement filled with smoke and didn't clear for three hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13586

You deserved it

28784

Tweet

Share

By :( - Japan - Tokyo

Today, in a public restroom, an elderly lady started bitching me out for not washing my hands. I was so intimidated that I did so under her accusing watch. I'm quite intolerant to many soaps, and I now have a horrible rash on my left hand because I was too frightened to explain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44580

You deserved it

18092

Tweet

Share

By santasadiekins - United States

Today, I was camping out under the stars on my trampoline. I was just about asleep when I felt a tickle on my arm. Figuring it was an ant, I brushed it off. The rest of the red ants crawling up my arm didn't like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34540

You deserved it

4826

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Orleans

Today, wanting to be on time for my first job interview, I woke up at the crack of dawn and walked almost an hour through a thunderstorm. When I arrived, I was told that the manager wasn't in today, because of the bad weather. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26834

You deserved it

1992

Tweet

Share

By Aric - 8/10/2020 05:01

Thanks Felicia

Today, I arrived at the airport two and a half hours early because I was expecting it to be busy. The line was long but I had plenty of time, until a woman complained about a fee for checked bags. I was next in line, and still managed to miss my flight because the woman caused such a big scene. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1401

You deserved it

83

Tweet

Share

By Oliver Beck - 17/10/2020 08:03

Time just flies by

Today, I found out the girl I like is in love with someone else. Five weeks ago, she told me she's never been in love. FML

I agree, your life sucks

846

You deserved it

154

Tweet

Share

By everybodypoops

"Pooping and Shit"

Today, while at a rest stop, I heard a woman in the stall next to me answer her phone and say to the other person, "Oh nothing just pooping and shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

3785

You deserved it

504

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States - Woburn

Today, I overheard my ripped, handsome, genetically perfect brother telling my mom how "fat people" make him "nervous". I have only recently accepted my weight, after struggling for years. I now understand why my brother rarely talks to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53309

You deserved it

6857

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was the last day of finals. After sleeping less than three hours in the last two days, I got in the car to go to school. For a second, I thought my steering wheel, the gas pedal, and brake pedal were all missing. That's when I realized I was sitting in the back seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34873

You deserved it

14075

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my young daughter. I hate pooping in public but I really had to go so I brought her in with me. Thinking we were alone, I started to go and my daughter yelled, "Good job, mommy, you're using the potty like a big girl!" I then heard laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40094

You deserved it

4860

Tweet

Share

By Stacy - United States

Today, while using the restroom at work, I dropped my keys into the toilet. I left to find something to get them out and figured nobody would use a toilet with keys in it. I came back to a bowl of dung and "Shit happens" written on the wall in lipstick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36890

You deserved it

8413

Tweet

Share

By whatthehell - United States

Today, my mom had big news. I've been trying to get her to quit smoking because of second hand smoke for 20 years. She learned today that second hand smoke severely affects animals as well. Her big news? She's quitting. She doesn't want to hurt the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

67194

You deserved it

3739

Tweet

Share

By ooh cat - United States - Inglewood

Today, after weeks of sorting, inspecting, and waiting, my high school's yearbooks were distributed. I'd searched carefully for photo errors and was proud to say there were none. That is, until someone told me that a boy on the last page was flipping the camera the bird. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20742

You deserved it

4730

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy at work was ranking the girls we work with in the order he'd want to date them. He told me I was 6th "because personality is important, too." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30010

You deserved it

5397

Tweet

Share

By Wheresthebeefz - United States

Today, I tried to save a dying bird I found on the sidewalk. I got a parking ticket for $114 in front of the animal hospital. I later found out the bird died. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29859

You deserved it

7878

Tweet

Share

By dontpeeonmenxtime - United States

Today, I woke up to slight memory of my boyfriend leaving for work an hour earlier than originally planned due to "excessive sweat" in my bed. When I removed my sheets and took in a deep whiff, my olfactory receptors instantly knew that his so called "sweat" was actually his urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30929

You deserved it

3022

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Denver

You tried

Today, after a solid month of hard work, I finally finished modeling and animating a 3D insect character for a scene. After presenting it to the rest of my team, one of my teammates pointed out that it looks exactly like a flying penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33836

You deserved it

6057

Tweet

Share

By imscrewed - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was going out tonight to celebrate his ex-but-still-friends-girlfriend's birthday at a local club and hopes I wasn't offended that I wasn't invited. I sure am offended; we have the same birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

83236

You deserved it

4108

Tweet

Share

By badtrip - United States

Today, my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. Jokingly, I got her a pack of condoms. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, I'll definitely need some of those." Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41199

You deserved it

33381

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

With friends like her, who needs money?

Today, I maxed out my credit card trying to help a friend of over 19 years to go see her family for Christmas, only to find out she changed her mind and doesn’t really want to go. I can’t return the bus tickets, and she’s mad at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1651

You deserved it

324

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/2/2021 18:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

What's more embarrassing?

Today, I pulled out an annoying nose hair with a tweezer and it made me cry. Not particularly painful but it triggered the tear duct. Had to pretend it was from yawning when someone asked why the teary eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

561

You deserved it

192

Tweet

Share

By ughhhh - United States

Today, my mom spent over $200 getting me tested for every drug in the book. All because I admitted to smoking a single cigarette two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51604

You deserved it

7939

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7943357 - Wednesday 7 October 2020 18:09

Nothing beats a good wank.

Aw, who am I kidding? Almost every type of sex beats a good wank!

Sorry, I failed at cheering you up. I should just beat it.

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7943370 - Wednesday 7 October 2020 19:13

The good news is you don't need anybody else to make your dreams come true.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7943357 - Wednesday 7 October 2020 18:09

Nothing beats a good wank.

Aw, who am I kidding? Almost every type of sex beats a good wank!

Sorry, I failed at cheering you up. I should just beat it.

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7943370 - Wednesday 7 October 2020 19:13

The good news is you don't need anybody else to make your dreams come true.

By princess_stabitty | 18

#7943650 - Thursday 8 October 2020 20:23

Well, I've always been told that if you want something done right, you better do it yourself.

By saadhu | 8

#7943856 - Friday 9 October 2020 20:16

I can understand brother how are you saying such things because it's really hard. I can feel brother

By 1gullible_bugger | 33

#7951999 - Sunday 15 November 2020 5:18

I hear you buddy! 😢