Miscellaneous: Today, it's been three days since my husband got into free-jazz....

By Geraldine - 30/11/2011 01:53 - Canada

Today, it's been three days since my husband got into free-jazz. He plays all the time in our small apartment. Loud. It's like listening to three guys build a shed for 10 giant angry wasps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 363

You deserved it 2 757

Miscellaneous

Dysfunctional

Another great day to be alive

Our house, in the middle of our street

By innocent - 06/01/2014 21:32 - Australia

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house, and she was tickling me. It got a bit rough, and she fell out of bed and hit the floor. Her parents, thinking we'd been fighting, burst into the room to see her holding her bloody nose. She didn't say anything while her dad kicked my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 677

You deserved it 7 465

By DrunkenShopper - 03/09/2012 05:24 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I woke up to a bunch of email notifications confirming all the drunken purchases I made last night on Amazon. Most of them can't be cancelled. This is the fourth time in a month. An "ironic" wolf-howling-at-the-moon t-shirt anyone? FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 111

You deserved it 36 390

Superficial

By skinnybitch - 08/09/2019 14:00

Today, my Tinder date took one look at me and left, because, "the camera" made me "look thick" and he, "can’t date a skinny bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 643

You deserved it 197

By fihifgni210 - 20/05/2009 16:54 - United States

Today, I decided to go tanning. I went outside and took my top off and laid out in the sun for about an hour. When I was about to go inside a phone rang. It belonged to one of the five men that were working on my roof and watching me the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 732

You deserved it 73 533

By Anonymous - 17/02/2016 12:32 - Netherlands

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me that I was the one. Not at this moment though, he wants to see how far he can go with his best female friend. But once he's done with her, we can be together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 312

You deserved it 1 877

Paaaaaaarty!

By Boyufd - 16/08/2019 22:00

Today, it's my birthday. I'd planned an outside party in my backyard, and I'd invited all of my friends. Only 2 of them showed up. It also rained today, even though it wasn't supposed to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 653

You deserved it 164

By dinosaur - 08/02/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, my friend sent me a link about a nine year old kid who wrote an iPhone app that gets 2000 downloads per week. I am a 28 year old software developer and have been failing to write an iPhone app for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 165

You deserved it 6 094

Inference

By Canuckboy - 24/06/2021 07:59 - Canada

Today, a few weeks after coming out to my parents, my mother randomly asked me, "Your father and I have tried anal sex a few times, but it hurts too much. D'you have any advice on what to do?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 325

You deserved it 337

By Anonymous - 16/02/2017 06:00 - United States - Frederick

Today, I didn't think getting egged was a thing anymore until I found that my car got egged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 261

You deserved it 429

By Anonymous - 29/03/2017 07:00 - United States - Normal

Today, it's the 6th day in a row my roommate has not left our dorm room. I miss jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 790

You deserved it 1 084

By LittleSprout - 21/03/2017 04:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was buying veggies with my five-year-old. She saw some brussel sprouts and begged me to buy them. I thought there was no way she'd like them, but I do, so I got them. Later, she was sitting on the couch eating them raw like candy. I have a weird kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 780

You deserved it 1 181

By Anonymous - 17/05/2011 16:15 - United States

Today, I posted my status on Facebook as "slightly hungover." My grandma commented on it with "liar, you were helping me clean last night." She's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 351

You deserved it 70 124

By Anonymous - 16/02/2014 17:22 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, my boss bitched me out on the sales floor for a good 10 minutes, because I wasn't "smiling the right way" for our customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 968

You deserved it 3 905

By whatrights - 12/07/2009 08:59 - United States

Today, I learned that "Officer, I do not consent to any searches" means "Officer, please handcuff me, I am trying to be difficult" in cop speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 368

You deserved it 23 742

By Anonymous - 14/04/2016 17:04 - United States - Pittsburg

Today, I had to spend a long bus ride with my chest pressed against the window, because some mammoth of a woman decided to squeeze her double wide ass into my seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 520

You deserved it 2 648

By Mulee - 07/03/2009 12:03 - Belgium

Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. When the conductor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 314

You deserved it 167 713

By jacie - 18/11/2018 15:30

Today, I tried on a pair of pants in a dressing room and they didn’t fit. However, my period came suddenly and left a massive bloodstain, so I had to buy them anyway. In case you’re wondering, the pants were white, the cashier was male and cute, and he definitely noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 142

You deserved it 358

By Pika - 09/10/2017 01:30

Today, in the midst of an interview, I was asked what my best qualities are. I panicked and quickly responded that I can make a great Pikachu impression. They wanted to hear it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 031

You deserved it 2 897

By wallamanut - 14/12/2014 07:50 - United States - Portland

Today, my parents decided to finally kick me out of the house because they've gotten tired of seeing me "sleep around all day and being so lazy" whenever I'm home. I'm currently triple-shifting for 6 days a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 798

You deserved it 2 827

By dannij08 - 14/01/2009 01:05 - United States

Today, I stole one of my cousin's chocolates. I didn't tell her, after I ate it, I read the box and realized that it was a chocolate laxative. I'm posting this from the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 419

You deserved it 43 315

By Anonymous - 10/02/2016 18:36 - United States - Milford

Today, instead of reaching for some unhealthy food, I tried to eat some dates instead. It was all fine until I bit one in half and saw a rather large, squirming maggot inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 253

You deserved it 1 975

By dammitrain - 13/07/2010 19:43 - United States

Today, hoping to avoid the rain because I had just gotten an expensive perm, I ducked under an awning. At that moment, the store manager shook the awning, and about 6 hours of rain dumped on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 425

You deserved it 8 445

By Stuck - 15/07/2009 04:01 - United States

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend after we went out for dinner. To my surprise, our families were also in the restaurant, to witness him propose to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 737

You deserved it 14 354

By Wrabel - 08/06/2015 16:00 - Germany - Mainz

Today, I received a package from Amazon. My mum smiled at me when I entered the living room, pointing to my package. She had already opened it and held back her smile. My penis pills for longer endurance just got delivered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 308

You deserved it 9 890

By dollfacee - 09/07/2015 16:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he thinks I'm cheating on him, with my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 575

You deserved it 2 331

By thepokemonkid - 27/02/2013 05:03 - United States - Avon

Today, I finally made a Facebook account after being home-schooled my entire life. I friended people that I know and their friends, and subsequently sparked a debate on whether or not I exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 251

You deserved it 4 123

By Secondyearcollegekid - 03/10/2018 15:30

Today, one of my housemates licked or bit all 12 of the cupcakes I bought to give to a friend as a thank-you gift. No one will own up to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 945

You deserved it 295

Golden child

By Dina - 15/07/2021 14:01

Today, I found out my mother would rather sleep than attend my soccer games, volleyball tournaments, or see me win any awards. However, she was present to see the dog get potty trained, filming the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 80

By Anonymous - 24/08/2010 07:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend compared my boobs to a flat tire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 267

You deserved it 7 132

By tenthousandspoon - 13/09/2010 00:08 - New Zealand

Today, at work, a three year old chucked a chocolate bar at me. It hit me square in the face. Her father praised her for her "quality arm." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 779

You deserved it 3 035

By peacexout108 - 08/11/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, my ex told me she still misses having sex with me. Her next text was "but it's still over." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 781

You deserved it 3 344

By ShortTermMemoryFailure - 01/11/2018 08:00 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I discovered that I once again forgot my credit card in the vending machine at work. This is the second time in a week that this happened, and now 6 coworkers have bought drinks with my card since I lost it. I have no way of making it back to work for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 343

You deserved it 3 379

The Rupture

By oofouchmyvagooter - 06/10/2019 16:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in over a week, because I had been having weird cramps. Afterwards, I was experiencing the worst pain I’ve felt in my entire life, so we went to the ER. Turns out my cramping was from an ovarian cyst, and having sex made it rupture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 329

You deserved it 181

By WHOO HOO AIDS - 01/06/2013 18:52 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, I realised half my underpants were missing. In related news, my slob of a housemate hasn't washed hers in several weeks, and has been stealing mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 572

You deserved it 3 715

Fixed it

By JLO - 18/08/2011 14:11 - Australia

Today, I noticed that a picture of me on my mum and dad's wall looked different. On closer inspection, I realised they'd recently painted over my teeth with white paint. I asked them why, and they said they looked 'discoloured'. It's my wedding photo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 914

You deserved it 3 642

By yeahno - 12/09/2010 16:52 - United States

Today, I found out that the man who came into work yesterday, the man who tried to grope me from over the counter, the one who spat his drink in my face, the one who kicked me in the shins when he didn't like the way his food tasted, is a regular and I can expect him three times a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 495

You deserved it 2 446

By NoTypeOfExercise - 11/07/2016 15:05 - United States - Encino

Today, my husband told me I couldn't go to my morning yoga class, because he needed to leave for work at 7:30 am sharp, and I wouldn't be back in time to watch our son. It's 8:05 am and he still hasn't left for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 273

You deserved it 1 431

It's the thought that counts…

By Loveandpoetry - 31/05/2011 21:12

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a poem, and left it on the bed with a rose for him to see after work. When I came home later, I noticed the flower in the trash, and the poem had been used as gum wrapper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 848

You deserved it 5 353

Milky Milky

By Shock91 - 11/09/2019 02:02 - China - Beijing

Today, the host family that I'm staying with in China gave me a small milk box to drink. It tasted a bit tangy and sour, but I thought that was probably just the taste of milk in China. Trying to be polite, I practically chugged the whole box. Later, I found out that it had expired 20 days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 447

You deserved it 322

By shatMyself - 22/04/2013 19:10 - United States

Today, I was admitted to the hospital for chronic constipation. I have to share a room with two other girls who are also having bowel problems. We're all on strong laxatives, and there's apparently only one bathroom in this place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 403

You deserved it 3 406

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Top comments

iam_yummylicious 12

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:35

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz? Just shove the saxophone up his ass. He'll be quiet then.

stuth186 7

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:53

Personally if I had a saxophone up my ass I'd be anything but quiet

iam_yummylicious 12

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:35

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz? Just shove the saxophone up his ass. He'll be quiet then.

stuth186 7

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:53

Personally if I had a saxophone up my ass I'd be anything but quiet

TheWindowLicker 13

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:53

I don't think anyone could be quiet after that kind of trauma..

TheWindowLicker 13

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:54

Ah shit double tapped send. Ignore this comment. My bad.

iam_yummylicious 12

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 9:10

Touche... Touche indeed. You can instead beat him over the head until he passes out :D

iam_yummylicious 12

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 11:07

Or you can shove it up there, pull it out, and then beat him to silence.

baileymac1357 0

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 12:29

You could but if you did every time he farted it would sound like a dying elephant.! Lol.!

EvilPotato 14

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 13:34

Threaten to kill his family, that'll shut him up.

CondomSense 4

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 14:55

Simply split your lungs with blood and thunder when you see him, break your back and crack your oar if you wish to prevail. This ivory leg is what propels you, harpoons thrust in the sky, aim directly for his crooked brow, and look him straight in the eye!

M0rt 0

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 16:30

Jazz is amazing I don't get why op is complaining; that's a waste of a good saxophone anyway

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 16:38

Am I the only one was hopin to read, "10 giant angry BIRDS?"

Naitsi 19

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 16:49

lol

felah17 6

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 21:43

What does "touché" mean?

felah17 6

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 21:45

What does,"touché" mean?

philipino 24

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 23:12

By that do you mean butt SEXaphone? Pun- pun- pun- pun- puuuun- pun. This comment is going to get buried.

ImFrackinBored 13

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Thursday 1 December 2011 0:47

I hope it's not a tuba O.o

deadlyriot101 7

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Thursday 1 December 2011 2:26

Maybe that's his plan :)

stuth186 7

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:36

Depending on the waiting period to buy a gun where you live, you might have to put up with it for a while. Or just kick him out

aruam365 24

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 9:51

Or, if he doesn't have one, surprise him with an iPod and a nice set of headphones? Then he can listen to his music, and you don't! :)

scampman 5

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:36

Ask him not to?

JinxosGirl87 0

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 20:01

What is this communication that you speak of??

TherealMort 0

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Thursday 1 December 2011 4:17

You will soon learn young one.

danik2212 0

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:37

Why dont you just ask him to play quieter???

dumboears 8

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:37

"In to" is one word, is it not?

stuth186 7

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:40

Why yes it is

iam_yummylicious 12

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:49

WHY NO ITS NOT!!!! LIARS! ITS A CONSPIRACY!!! NO. NO. NO!!!! WHAT KIND OF CRAP ARE YOU TRYING TO FOOL THESE PEOPLE INTO? *will take his medication now*

Mister_Triangle 21

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 9:12

Depends on the context; in this FML, it should be.

8stringGuitarist 3

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:44

You just don't get jazz. :P your hubby has some good taste!

godofcyanide 8

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Thursday 1 December 2011 7:06

I agree. OP should be glad she has a man with such good taste! Jazz is amazing, too... ESPECIALLY freeform jazz. Rule on! :D

NAAMxLOOS 11

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Thursday 1 December 2011 7:31

Or... OP's husband doesn't understand jazz and that is the reason why it sounds so terrible?

feralpup 7

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:46

Tell him to get some good high quality headphones, everything sounds better through good headphones! It's like he's right there! :D

alycion 38

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 9:18

Sounds like a great gift idea. ;)

Freeze_fml 16

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:57

Play orchestra at full blast.

FYLDeep 25

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 9:09

Play some Rebecca Black. On a scale of 1 to Fail, she broke the scale.

felah17 6

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 21:01

Agrede!! Play "Friday" full blast,put it On "repeat",and wear ear plugs!!

theonlysweetpea 10

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 9:45

It doesn't matter how good the jazz is if it's cranked up to headache status. OP tell your husband if he still wants to be able to hear anything ever again, he will invest in some headphones ASAP!