By JaneSimple - 16/8/2020 14:02

Brain worms

Today, my fiancé forgot my birthday. I did however remember to tell him we were sending his mother flowers, for her birthday, which falls a week after mine. We've been together 10 years. I sent her flowers on my birthday. FML

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1242

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The smell detective is on the case

Dementia or hate? You decide

Mother of the year

By sadbuttrue. - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I went to the very back of the crowd of women waiting to catch the bouquet. Not only did I end up catching it, I was accosted by a crazy chick who ripped it out of my hands, screaming at me in Italian. I later found out she was already engaged. FML

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45266

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By Sabraynay

Today, my mom instructed me to never scream when being attacked by a rapist. Apparently it would only anger him, causing him to chop my boobs off and superglue my eyes shut. FML

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By please don’t - 8/6/2020 02:00

The Big Book of Baby Names

Today, I had to explain to my sister in law why it’s a terrible idea to name her baby Aryan just because she likes the way it sounds. We’re all African Americans, but she still doesn’t see the issue with it. FML

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By Sadwife - United States - Pardeeville

Today, I had my wedding at 11 a.m. so that I could spend a lot of time with my friends and family. Everyone left within 4 hours. FML

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11054

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By Miki - United States - Kenner

Today, after several years spent hung up on my ex, I was finally moving on. I was on a date with my new boyfriend when my ex walked past us. He broke down crying, got on his knees, and begged me to come back. FML

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39492

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend sent me a bumper sticker that said, "Do you know that gullible said slowly sounds like 'green bears'?" I spent quite a few minutes trying to get gullible to sound like green bears until I realized that it didn't. FML

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By jl_word - United States

Today, I paid a local homeless man to rake the leaves in my yard. After paying and driving him to the bus stop, I found his shit on my back porch. I need new shoes. FML

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By Charlie8u347 - United States

Snow day

Today, I was told to shovel four inches of snow from my driveway. I had to get the snow shovel from the rafters of my garage, and there were other tools with it. As I was yanking the shovel down, a pickax fell and smashed through the back window of my dad's Buick. FML

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28238

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By DepressedKid - Canada

Oh, hi Mark!

Today, I found out that no one actually likes me as a friend. They only like me to get answers for school work. How did I find out? They were talking about it in front of me. Apparently I'm also invisible to them. FML

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By J.O.S - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

The more things change…

Today, airport security took away my 32$ eyelash curler, because it could be used as a weapon. I miss the '90s. FML

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36046

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By Santa - Canada

Today, I was working at the mall as Santa, when a little girl took a shit in my lap. FML

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42959

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By FreeOfCharge - Canada

Today, I got a client who ordered ice cream. She seemed really nice and I thought maybe she was into me. When I asked if she wanted peanuts for an additional 50 cents, she said no. Trying to be nice, I added them anyway free of charge. I later had to call the ambulance. She was allergic. FML

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12037

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By jonnah - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend I love him. His response? "Is that why you have been so clingy and annoying lately?" FML

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32585

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By thatonegirl.SBS. - United States - El Cajon

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been seeing another girl behind my back. The kicker is that he told her I was his lazy sister and had just moved in. FML

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27229

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By Anonymous

Today, I was complaining to my friend how I was doing all the work in my group, and that they were getting all the credit. Her response? "It's OK, you're doing a shitty job anyway." FML

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1573

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By mr. machine - United States

Today, my 19-year-old daughter got a haircut. When I asked her if she tipped the hairdresser, she looked at me in horror and asked, "You’re supposed to tip hairdressers?" FML

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1273

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By jcesom - United States

Today, my father taught my son to pee on trees outside. We went to the mall later and my son decided to practice what he'd learned on a potted plant. FML

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43825

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By InnocenceBlue

Today, the boss's arrogant son thought it necessary to demonstrate how to use a hole punch while explaining slowly how he wanted things punched. I have worked admin for years, and I'm the contracts admin, not his PA. FML

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By mareecasellafml - Australia - Belrose

Today, I handed out 20 resumes to a variety of stores. To my delight, I got a phone call the same day. Unfortunately, they weren't calling about a job, they were informing me on my resume it says, "I have a dick." All thanks to my boyfriend, who thought it would be hilarious. FML

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By Zkroger - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year denied in front of everyone that we ever dated. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my boss chewed me out for leaving a work function early. I explained it was to avoid a former co-worker I constantly fought with. The boss revealed he purposely invited that former co-worker, hoping our fight would provide entertainment. FML

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By the2girls - Canada

Today, I was walking to get ice-cream with my boyfriend. When we were ordering our cone, the girl who was scooping it said to my boyfriend, "Hey I know you! You're the one who slept with my sister-in-law the other night." FML

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By slayerdeath - United States - Valparaiso

Today, my girlfriend went in for a kiss too fast and broke my front tooth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Juan Capistrano

Today, I went to a blood drive. The nurse taking my blood mentioned that she'd been called in on her day off, and she swore she wasn't drunk. I didn't know what to do, so I just smiled and blinked back tears as she savaged the vein in my arm. FML

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By bad luck? - Australia

Today, it was my first day being a full-time paramedic. I was shot in the arm. FML

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43009

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By Anonymous

Today, my best friend of 12 years traveled cross country to help me recover from major surgery. I've been sitting in the hospital by myself while she has sex in my empty apartment with some guy she met. FML

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5558

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 23:02

FEED ME

Today, I woke up in a military hospital, after having all four wisdom teeth out yesterday. A nurse came in with a breakfast trolley full of eggs and bacon, looks at my pleading face, looks at her clipboard and says, "Only non-solid foods for you, private." FML

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788

You deserved it

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By seththing

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I had a spare key in my wallet, that I also left in the car. FML

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12024

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By kirrby - United States

Today, I tried to break up with my girlfriend because I feel unappreciated. She fell asleep while I was attempting this. FML

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35861

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By cb - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I have to spend the whole day in a moving truck with my dad. He had beans for dinner, and it's too cold to crack open a window. FML

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By pwib - United States - Napa

Today, a bunch of my friends have been accepted to various colleges while I've been denied to the past 5. To cheer me up, my mom drove me to McDonald's. While we were in the drive-thru, she asked them if they had any job openings. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32114

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By mook - United States

Today, my neighbor confessed to me that he was homophobic and regrets that his family doesnt know it. He spent fifteen minutes explaining how much he would hate to have a gay child. I spent two hours last night convincing his son that it was the right thing to tell his family he was gay. FML

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58747

You deserved it

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By Mr.P - United States

Today, I was just about to sit down to watch my favorite TV show when my dog jumped over the back of my couch, landed on my head and tried to jump through the window. I now have concussion and a window to replace, all because of a bird. FML

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You deserved it

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By Overlord247 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, due to sleep deprivation, I wasn't paying attention to where the elevator stopped. I walked into a flat, thinking it was mine. It wasn't. It was the flat just beneath mine. FML

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1367

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By Lo

Today, I went to see a movie with the girl I've liked for months. After the commercials, she told me she had to go to the ladies room. She never came back. FML

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By robertsonjimmy - United States

Today, I let my new puppy outside for the first time. When I went to get him, I saw a man running off with him. FML

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50523

You deserved it

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By redlips - Japan

Today, I asked my fiancé what he liked most about being in a relationship with me. His answer? "I can watch your boobs without being called a perv." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31231

You deserved it

7373

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By ShelbyIsAwesome - 4/3/2021 17:01

Who are these people ?

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he hasn't showered in over a week because he "doesn't like to be wet." FML

I agree, your life sucks

784

You deserved it

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By Username

Today, I saw a firework show. In my kitchen. When my stove blew up. FML

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36002

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By Fuck you, Dad. Fuck you. - Sweden - Sundbyberg

Today, I asked my dad if he'd like to see the photos of my wedding, which he didn't bother to come to. Reply: "What the fuck, are you gay or something? Keep that homo stuff to yourself." My wife started laughing so hard she was crying. FML

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51696

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7931457 - Sunday 16 August 2020 14:28

Fiancé for 10 years?

A forgotten birthday is the least of your worries. What about the forgotten wedding ring?

By smartjaguargurl | 17

#7931558 - Sunday 16 August 2020 21:40

Together for 10 years doesn’t mean engaged for 10 years

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7931457 - Sunday 16 August 2020 14:28

Fiancé for 10 years?

A forgotten birthday is the least of your worries. What about the forgotten wedding ring?

smartjaguargurl | 17

#7931558 - Sunday 16 August 2020 21:40

Together for 10 years doesn’t mean engaged for 10 years

RichardPencil | 30

#7931559 - Sunday 16 August 2020 21:42

True, but I have to guess they've been (air quotes)engaged(air unquotes) for more than two or three of those years.

He's just stalling for time.

bloopaloop | 27

#7931635 - Monday 17 August 2020 5:06

Seriously, shit or get off the pot.

By Seeya55 | 31

#7931763 - Monday 17 August 2020 18:24

Ehh.. has he ever forgotten it before? Honestly, with Covid and days feeling like they melt together depending on people's situations, don't worry about it.

And honestly, if it means that much to you for someone to wish you happy birthday, remind them subtlety a week before or something. Especially if they're prone to forgetting. I've been married almost 11 years and I really don't give a shit if my husband remembers or not. Every day is a blast with him and the kids! Shit happens and people forget or mess up. I guarantee your day isn't destroyed because he forgot, go out and have dinner or something! :)

By Kent Griffin | 3

#7932098 - Tuesday 18 August 2020 20:14

time for a new man