Health: Today, my head has been killing me. I've had the worst headache...

By Monique - United States

Today, my head has been killing me. I've had the worst headache ever. Happy that I could finally sleep, I plopped onto my bed and bashed my head on the wall. FML

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Health

There's no helping some people

Dangling modifier

Chemical warfare

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I reached a new low and embarrased my entire family. While in the frozen section of Walmart, I dropped to my knees and let out a horrific, agonizing scream, when I found out they were out of Strawberry Toaster Strudels. FML

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By Florida - United States

Today, my husband informed me that his father adopted a dog. I replied "Cool," he then said, "She happens to have your name." I think my father in law is trying to send me a message. FML

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By >_< - United States - Richmond

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. They thought it'd be hilarious to put on ridiculous accents and act like country hicks, spewing obscenities and strongly hinting that we're into incest. She soon left in disgust. I haven't heard back from her since. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got on a crowded bus and was forced to stand. The bus made a sharp turn, so I reached for a pole to hold onto. Without looking, I grabbed the pole. It was wet and moist, but I nonetheless held on until the turn was done. I turned to see I had also grabbed a large man's nose and had squeezed it. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I went to see Terminator. Not wanting to spend an outrageous amount of money at the concession stand, I sneaked a Dr. Pepper into the theater. I thought I had gotten away with it, until I opened the bottle and it exploded all over me and four other people that I didn't know. FML

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By battle1 - United States - Marietta

Creepy

Today, my best friend told me he masturbates to my Instagram page. Thanks, I guess. FML

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By Nublet - United States

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob. It gave him a panic attack. FML

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By moronicmoroccan - Philippines

Today, we received a wedding invitation from a couple who are renting an apartment from us. They haven't paid rent for several months. My father is listed as the "principal sponsor." FML

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By myheart75 - Australia

Today, my niece told me to go and find my own friends. She's 2, and I'm 18. FML

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By Kelly - United States - Roseville

Today, I found out that all the things I've lent to my best friend over the last few years that have never been returned were actually pawned off so she could pay her cable bill. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, my husband of 3 weeks told me he doesn't want to be married anymore because I suggested getting a joint bank account. FML

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31704

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By Name - United States

Today, I was playing tennis with my friend. He hit a ball up high, and I slammed it down, thinking there was no way he would get it. Feeling pretty good about it, I turned around to celebrate. As I turned around, I got smacked in my face. He got it. FML

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By noname - France

Today, I was quietly having a bath when I felt something fall onto my shoulder blade. I glanced over my shoulder and saw what I thought were huge black spider legs. I screamed, completely hysterical, and I threw myself violently against a wall. It was my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 20:00

Who's a good boy?

Today, my boyfriend's vicious dog, which he got as a security measure and growls and barks at me whenever I go near it, was caught on our security camera playing like a puppy with a burglar, while the other two burglars cleaned out all our valuables. FML

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2221

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By Genius

Today, I went to my fifth job interview in a month. While going over my CV, I found a watermark on the bottom of my cover letter that said it was generated by a template website. Yep, I gave all previous interviewers the same cover letter, with the same watermark. Can't wait to hear back! FML

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701

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By Mini-wanker - United States

Today, after having had sex with my girlfriend for the first time the night before, she went to the doctor. He said she's still physically a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mansfield

Today, I fell down the stairs with a cup of coffee. It gave me burns on my arm and I sprained my wrist. FML

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1527

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 23:01

Between a rock and a soft place

Today, it's our eighth anniversary. My husband has struggled for a while with erectile dysfunction, and tonight he decided it wasn't worth trying. So now, he's sitting at home, soft, while I'm eating Taco Bell in the car. FML

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1642

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By Halloweenie - United States

Today, I took a box of Halloween decorations down from the attic. Inside, were a bunch of fake spiders. I emptied the box onto the floor and the "fake" spiders crawled all over the living room in opposite directions. FML

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43038

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chelan

Today, my boyfriend has chipped his front teeth for the third time in 2 months. After refusing to tell me how this keeps on happening, I walked in on him throwing his phone in the air and trying to catch it in his mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband left his laptop logged in to a chat site after leaving for work. Curious, I read some of the logs, and discovered he has been posing as a woman and holding filthy conversations with "hot teen lesbians" for the past several months. FML

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By princessrose

Today, I asked the guy I share a desk with at work out because he has texted me a few times and seemed pretty into me. He said he doesn't date coworkers, even though the last 5 people he's dated have been coworkers. FML

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By cay - United States - Holley

Today, I was trying to sleep away a fever, when my grandma woke me up. She was sitting next to me, shoving gummy bears into my mouth until I started choking. She laughed, ran away, and denied everything. FML

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39197

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By storyofmylife - United States

Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML

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By ohno. - Canada

Today, at work while washing the dishes I was told to go put some things into the big freezer at the back of the store. While doing so, the door closed behind me, so naturally I pushed it, only to have my wet hands freeze to the door. I yelled to my manager for 10 minutes before help came. FML

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By faye - United States

Today, I got my license renewed and the woman behind the desk looked at me and said "guess we need to update the weight, huh?". FML

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38976

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By just wanted nice nails - United States - Palmer

Today, I found out that you can ruin a $500 computer with a few stray drops of 100% acetone nail polish remover on the keyboard. FML

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By Dean - United States

Today, after months of constant encouragement from my friends, I went and entered a singing contest. I sang and was booed off stage. Later on I found out my friends lied to me about my ability to sing, just so I could give them a cheap laugh. FML

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31814

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By - United States

My electric toothbrush

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

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3460

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By Eternal_Babyface - United States

Today, I was talking to a friend and bemoaning the fact that my new coworkers keep mixing up my gender. She looked at me critically and said, "Yeah, until you can grow a decent beard, people are going to keep thinking you're an intern or a butch lesbian." FML

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21665

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By Anonymous

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend how sleeping with another person is cheating. It's been three days, and almost as many fights. He still doesn't get it. FML

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1816

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Park

Today, a senile old lady came up to me and offered me chocolate. I noticed that it was ex-lax, so I politely told her no. My 4-year-old daughter pushed me aside and ate the ex-lax, because she thought it was candy. I now have a stinky child on a 3 hour bus ride, with no stops. FML

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24924

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By fatty punani - 5/6/2020 08:00

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder

Today, my husband thinks I stopped wearing underwear to be sexy. Truth is, I’ve gained so much weight during quarantine that even my granny panties no longer fit. FML

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1261

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By Noname - United States

Today, My mom walked in on me and my 2 year crush about to have sex. When she saw us she said "oh I'll just wait outside, I know it wont be long anyway." FML

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88854

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By Sticky - 8/11/2020 17:02 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Craft beer bores

Today, just before bed, I decided to put away the dry washing. I ended up knocking over my boyfriend's precious brewing ginger beer. It took me an hour to clean it off the floor, cupboards, door, outside and inside of the fridge. Everything is still sticky and smells of yeast. FML

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749

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By Anonymous

Today, I noticed a spot on my leg that I wanted a closer look at. I went to put my phone screen towards it for more lighting while my sister was in front of me, looking. I'm pretty sure she saw my nude that I forgot was on the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

595

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2213

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By Marea90h - 9/12/2020 20:01

Unrelatable

Today, a client hung up on me after calling me "Miss Proper" because I spoke too "clearly" for her. FML

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785

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I ordered more memory and a new hard drive for my computer. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. FML

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41882

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By NoPrivacy - United States

Today, my boss overheard me singing, "I need a shit, I need a shit" on my way to the bathroom. FML

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9145

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Top comments

By jazziness | 12

#2325283 - Sunday 10 April 2011 16:12

that's something I would do

By AusLittleRock | 0

#2325266 - Sunday 10 April 2011 16:09

hahaha from Australia

COMMENTS

By AusLittleRock | 0

#2325266 - Sunday 10 April 2011 16:09

hahaha from Australia

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2325486 - Sunday 10 April 2011 16:54

Your bed is made out of wall?! Woah. :)

SirEBC | 7

#2325642 - Sunday 10 April 2011 17:28

Sean, why do you still reply to the first comment?

MaskingTape | 2

#2325664 - Sunday 10 April 2011 17:33

epic. you deserved it for being uncoordinated. or for your hate crime on walls.

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2325691 - Sunday 10 April 2011 17:37

I have my reasons. But none are good enough, so I oughtta stop it. (: We'll see.

SnailFist | 5

#2328021 - Monday 11 April 2011 3:54

hahaha from Canada

lukethe | 0

#2328043 - Monday 11 April 2011 3:59

hahaha from the US... not that that's anything special.

miraggg | 1

#2330449 - Monday 11 April 2011 14:13

haha you plopped!

nalia18 | 8

#2335601 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 6:46

BAHAHAH!!!! i mean so very sorry... BAHAHAH!!! ohmigod! roflmfmao!!!!!

megastupid | 0

#2414370 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 5:38

wait a minute, when u 'plop' onto a bed how do you hit a wall. surely you must have terrible

By AusLittleRock | 0

#2325269 - Sunday 10 April 2011 16:09

hahaha from Australia

ImaWiseGuy | 5

#2326923 - Sunday 10 April 2011 22:06

ydi for not just laying down like a normal person with a headache........

By minniemouse61 | 0

#2325280 - Sunday 10 April 2011 16:12

wow...sux 4 u!! it'll b over soon enough though Be strong!!
FYL

By jazziness | 12

#2325283 - Sunday 10 April 2011 16:12

that's something I would do

jess6blondie9 | 2

#2327754 - Monday 11 April 2011 2:23

Same here.

elliedanceteam | 0

#2329061 - Monday 11 April 2011 8:53

same!!! im clumsy..

maszaros | 8

#2330439 - Monday 11 April 2011 14:09

Hello... It's called a headboard. Get one!

By xoxogossipgirl9 | 6

#2325285 - Sunday 10 April 2011 16:13

LOLLL ouchh. that happens to me a lot.
fyl..feel better

By Prolusive | 5

#2325288 - Sunday 10 April 2011 16:13

Hmm,
that sure is bad luck (or bad coordination).

Get well soon :)

By Snackbars | 0

#2325293 - Sunday 10 April 2011 16:14

Did you dive into your bed? I fail to see how that would even be possible.

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2325535 - Sunday 10 April 2011 17:04

Maybe it's a waterbed!(:

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2325537 - Sunday 10 April 2011 17:04

Maybe it's a waterbed!(:

rebekahah | 7

#2327590 - Monday 11 April 2011 1:23

I usually do it when I forget how long the bed is and how far back the wall is. :/

By MrKrumps | 5

#2325295 - Sunday 10 April 2011 16:15

lol

By Thanatos1206 | 0

#2325305 - Sunday 10 April 2011 16:16

Well at least you're not dead yet!

YwTwss | 0

#2328714 - Monday 11 April 2011 6:34

kamina is dead D:

Thanatos1206 | 0

#2329179 - Monday 11 April 2011 9:40

So is the spiral king! :C

iizcalebhearmero | 0

#2334923 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 4:52

lol monty python

bms1996 | 12

#2927088 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 4:41

yet is the key word here lol

By Fruhling | 16

#2325395 - Sunday 10 April 2011 16:34

I've had that happen to me. FYL. Hope you get over the pain soon.