By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 04:04 - United States

Heavy

Today, a 100-foot maple tree fell on my house. I was inside. I was sleeping. FML

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1629

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Family values

The best cat

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By Anonymous - 19/3/2012 00:49 - United States - Dansville

Today, my boyfriend and I were having dinner with my family. He killed a bug and ate it. FML

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28847

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By cookieman - 6/1/2017 11:52

Today, in a coffee shop, I purchased two doughnuts and cup of coffee, a regular order which I've bought many times before. Today the cost was $1 less and when I inquired why, I was told, "I gave you the senior's discount." Their policy is a senior discount for anyone over 55. I turned 50 last week. FML

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7356

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By lildale92 - 29/11/2018 05:00

Today, I asked my husband to watch our kids while I cooked food for him. Apparently I asked in the wrong tone, because now he's pouting and won't eat. FML

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2739

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350

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2012 05:42 - United States

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him "the Fuckinator." FML

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39586

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By unknown relationship - 28/6/2013 05:23 - United States - Shorewood

Today, after working at my job for months, I quit. Why? My boss tried to convince me that we are in a secret relationship after he told me he loved me. FML

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47278

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3130

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By paperbagofdoom - 29/5/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, while working at a certain California theme park in full costume, I was approached by a kid in line, who looked at me and exclaimed, "Hey look, its Indiana Jones!" which felt pretty amazing. His sister, who was maybe seven years old, glanced over at me and said, "No, he's way too fat." FML

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43559

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5109

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By ummm eww - 12/6/2020 20:05

Disclosure

Today, my friend and I decided to have a "special intimate" moment together at his house. As soon as I start to really get into it, he said to me, "I sort of wanna do your mom." Way to kill the mood. FML

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1634

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200

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2011 20:56 - United States

Today, I went to a movie and a dinner with a girl. During dinner, she excused herself to go to the bathroom, so I checked my social media feeds while waiting for her to return. She'd posted on her twitter "Worst. Ever." I thought it was going well. FML

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By crazycatlady - 24/8/2016 09:43 - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up with my cat's asshole planted firmly on my forehead. FML

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11067

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2016 01:48

Today, I discovered that when my doctor said my new medication "may cause sensitivity to sunlight" what he meant was "sit in total darkness during the day or your skin will feel like its burning off." FML

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10201

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557

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By shithole - 26/12/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, my dad and I found in my house a water filter that has not been changed in over 20 years. We have been drinking that water that has been going through a filter that had more colors than a rainbow on it. FML

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27986

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By cantstoplaughing - 6/10/2010 04:32 - United States

Today, I was working on my family genealogy. I found out that my best friend's great-grandfather murdered my great-grandfather. FML

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43617

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By jealousgirl - 16/7/2015 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, after having to spend over an hour yesterday giving the man I'm in love with advice on how to impress his date yesterday evening, I got to spend another hour listening to how great their sex was last night. FML

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29287

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By ouharguohargssdf - 28/9/2013 21:01 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, my wife made me go with her to dinner with her parents, despite their long-standing hatred of me. Later on, my mother-in-law muttered to me, "I made yours special for ya", smirked, then made a show of scratching at her butt-crack. FML

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41273

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By slightlyfamous - 17/1/2016 13:59 - Canada - Port-menier

Today, my dick of a roommate was moving out. She didn't actually tell us she was moving out and took the wifi, modem and all, while my other roommate was on a Skype call and I was watching a show. All with no warning. It's Saturday, I have an online assignment due Sunday. FML

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20766

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2244

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By SophieGray - 20/5/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML

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38749

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By holyshitbatman - 22/9/2012 14:06 - United States - Chicago

Today, I woke up naked next to my gay roommate after a night of drinking. Neither he nor I remember anything. FML

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30387

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 06:28 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, it's been five days since I started my new job in a new town, just signed a lease on my new apartment too. Now I find out the company's closing down, and since I'm still on probation, I'm told I'm not entitled to any kind of severance. FML

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22485

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1908

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By Links - 20/11/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, a McDonald's employee had to correct my math after counting out $2.37 in change. I'm in AP Calculus and am currently learning how to find the derivative of an inverse of a logarithm. FML

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10026

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By Raven - 31/12/2016 17:24 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I went to let my dog inside because she was barking. I saw my neighbour standing at my fence, screaming that she was going to kill my dog with a shovel for barking at her. My dog was only doing it because my neighbor was putting her trash in my garbage bin. This isn't a new thing. FML

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2101

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2016 03:50 - United States - Fishers

Today, eight tornados hit the town where I live. The only person who tried to get a hold of me and see if I was OK was my World of Warcraft guild leader after I didn't show up to raid. FML

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17371

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1412

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By LC - 3/11/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I volunteered to be Auctioned off for Charity. I went for $3. FML

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42320

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I found my concert tickets that I've been trying to find for the last 2 weeks in my mom's closet. When I asked why she had them, she said she felt the concert was inappropriate for me so she hid them. I'm 20. FML

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By rikitsumiatsu - 10/4/2020 02:00

This is the rhythm of the night

Today, my wife showed me a video she took of me last night. I was shit-faced, dancing half naked to '90s club music in the middle of the street at midnight. She won't stop laughing at me and replaying the video. FML

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626

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1963

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By Julie - 25/3/2015 05:42 - Denmark - F?rup

Today, it's been three months since my sister broke her car, meaning she couldn't get to work, and I've giving her money every month so she could buy food and so on. I just found out that her workplace is less than 200 metres from where she lives. FML

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32148

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5109

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By Nicole - 9/5/2016 20:12 - United States - Bozeman

Today, a friend came to visit me from across the U.S. We spent the majority of the time she was here standing in the rain, at the dog park 20 miles from my house, so she could "make sure her baby poops on time". Basically, I took time off to watch my friend's dog take 6 craps. FML

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11108

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872

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By Face_loser - 24/11/2009 08:11 - United States

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend on her request because she "didn't have the heart to do it." Within twenty minutes I'd received 4 calls from mutual friends, including my best friend, telling me what a jerk I am. And one from my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31324

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5215

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By fatcat - 5/9/2018 16:30 - United States - Tulsa

Today, I was told to stop processing certain transactions at work because I'd tried to make rich people follow the same tax rules that we force poor people to follow to the letter. I'm guessing it won't be too long till I'm fired and blacklisted from this career I've had ten years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2991

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214

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By ineedaraise - 15/7/2015 01:04 - Canada - London

Today, after nearly two months of working at my new job, one of my co-workers finally explained to me that the list of tasks that our boss gives me every day are actually HER duties, and as I complete them, she just sits in her office and watches Netflix. FML

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29568

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2253

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 02:07 - United States

Today, I spent ages at CVS waiting for a flu shot. The main cause of holdup was a disagreement between the pharmacist and the insurance company over 4 cents. FML

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27080

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2714

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By justin - 13/12/2013 03:08 - United States - Waco

Today, my boss found out that my girlfriend dumped me. He asked if that meant she would no longer bring her delicious homemade cookies to the office. When I said yes, he fired me on the spot. FML

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52609

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3390

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By badluckbrian - 12/6/2019 04:15

Today, I lost my job. This was a surprise, as my performance hasn’t ever been an issue. My boss couldn’t look me in the eye while it happened, and the HR representative cut me off when I tried to ask why, informing me that they would only answer benefit-related questions. FML

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2236

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115

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 15:23 - United States

Today, I lied when my therapist asked why I preferred Tuesday morning appointments. It's actually because World of Warcraft is down for regularly scheduled maintenance. FML

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12692

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2016 15:14 - United States - Dalton

Today, this beautiful girl that I've known for a long time told me that she just can't date me anymore because I remind her too much of her cat. FML

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22291

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1882

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By fecal romance - 23/11/2013 10:32 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I swallowed and nearly choked to death on the ring my boyfriend hid in my wine glass. It's still in me somewhere, and my doctor basically told me that I'll have to "keep an eye on things" if I want to find it. FML

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50560

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By giantsfan2010 - 23/9/2010 04:31 - United States

Today, after working and saving up money for an entire year, I bought a 2001 VW Cabrio. I showed it to my friends, they all laughed at me and told me it was a girl's car. FML

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18459

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28522

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By Mellamononeyobiz - 13/1/2016 02:10 - United States - Hooper

Today, my mom smoked pot in my sister's bedroom while I was at school. When I noticed the stench, she blamed the cat. FML

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21029

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1613

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By SocialAnxietySucks - 26/3/2014 03:31 - United States - Houghton

Today, the clock in the study lounge was off, so I was half-an-hour late to class. I was too embarrassed to walk in late, so I sat for the next half-hour with my ear against the door trying to hear the lecture. People stopped to ask if there was something wrong with me. Yeah, probably. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39187

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11858

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By Swedishsummer - 8/5/2016 21:54 - Sweden - Floda

Today, we finally got some signs of summer in Sweden and I went to hang out in the sun with some friends. I was wearing sunglasses so I only put sunscreen on my nose and forehead. I now have a dick-shaped area in my face where I didn't completely burn my face off. FML

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9261

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By lamed - 4/12/2009 22:01 - United States

Today, I stopped by the gun store to pick up a new concealed weapon for protection. As I was leaving the store, a man came up behind me, hit me with a crowbar, and stole my gun. FML

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38062

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Top comments

By Tiffani Carter | 6

#7845253 - Saturday 21 September 2019 4:15

Since you’re posting this...at least you’re alive?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7845276 - Saturday 21 September 2019 8:48

Don't be a sap -- enjoy the free syrup!

I'm trying to branch out into tree puns, but I'm stumped, so I'll just leaf.

Comments

By Tiffani Carter | 6

#7845253 - Saturday 21 September 2019 4:15

Since you’re posting this...at least you’re alive?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7845276 - Saturday 21 September 2019 8:48

Don't be a sap -- enjoy the free syrup!

I'm trying to branch out into tree puns, but I'm stumped, so I'll just leaf.

By bobsanction | 16

#7845362 - Saturday 21 September 2019 18:56

Inside the house or the tree?