By Anonymous - United States

Heavy

Today, a 100-foot maple tree fell on my house. I was inside. I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1660

You deserved it

Favorite

BO Central

Triage

Decisions, decisions

By AquaRevolver - New Zealand

Today, me and my girlfriend went paintballing. I made sure we were on the same team, so I could protect her and be manly. The first time she got shot was by me, I shot her finger. It broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20639

You deserved it

54242

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By Anonymous - United States - Chandler

Today, I hooked up with a girl at a club, and we had sex. She just lay there like a corpse the whole time. It got so bad, I ended up faking an orgasm and blaming the lack of semen on a botched vasectomy. She actually believed it. What the hell? FML

I agree, your life sucks

49113

You deserved it

11930

Favorite

By the other woman

Oops...

Today, I found out that the guy I lost my virginity to a few months ago was in a relationship the whole time. How did I find out? His now ex-girlfriend called to yell at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3981

You deserved it

485

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 05:00

Next!

Today, my therapist broke up with me after almost 3 years. I can’t pay people to listen to my problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1417

You deserved it

259

Favorite

By maebyf - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of three years proposed to me. He brought me to our favorite restaurant and ordered expensive champagne. It was all very romantic, until he got on one knee and I farted out of surprise. Loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43888

You deserved it

8342

Favorite

By scaredinnyc - United States - Trenton

Today, I was looking at tattoos and fell in love with a really cool looking one, so I decided to get it. I later showed it to a friend who is a cop. He informed me that it is a gang tattoo. I think I just put a target on my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8951

You deserved it

31270

Favorite

By You must be joking

Today, my boss told me to sort and file all the paperwork he'd been randomly shoving into boxes since 2010. Apparently we're being audited, so he expects me to do eight years of filing in two weeks. There's enough paper to fully stock a large public library. Two weeks my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3997

You deserved it

271

Favorite

By getoffthephone - United Kingdom

Today, while waiting for the bus, I googled walking directions to my destination, in case I had already missed the bus. I was so absorbed in my search that I missed the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19684

You deserved it

26141

Favorite

By stevenr579 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I took a taxi ride with my friends. As we were getting out, I paid the taxi driver. With a grin, he drove away fast. It turns out my friend had already paid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33848

You deserved it

7545

Favorite

By Megan - United Kingdom - Neath

Today, I was forced to listen and politely nod with a smile on my face, as my boss droned on and on, explaining that everything in the universe is slowly getting bigger, aside from him, because he's never felt so short before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21507

You deserved it

2302

Favorite

By oconron - United States

Today, I put my picture into a celebrity look alike website. The three matches that came up were Barbra Streisand, Hillary Clinton, and Boy George. I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54550

You deserved it

7283

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By "Auburn_flame"

Today, I've been horribly sick with a stomach virus. Six hours ago, I asked my husband to go to the store and get me a few things that would help ease my misery. He's still in bed and I'm cleaning the house in between bouts of vomiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2259

You deserved it

320

Favorite

By rockefoe - United States

Today, I was studying late and kept hearing weird screeching sounds from outside. I couldn't figure out what it was and started getting really freaked out. It wasn't until later that I realized it was just my nose whistling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11786

You deserved it

33382

Favorite

By ImilkedYourMom - United States - Bronx

Today, after a 14-mile bike tour in Chicago, I got rug burn on my inner thighs. Having the hostel room all by myself for the last couple of days, I got naked and let the air conditioner cool me off. I then had to explain to my roommate that walked in on me that I seriously was not jerking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13287

You deserved it

2055

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Ridge

Today, I had to take my son to the ER after he badly messed up trying to light his farts on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23541

You deserved it

3043

Favorite

By QuicksilverMaximoff - United Kingdom

Today, I was rudely stopped in the park by a woman screaming at me for being a slut for having a baby so young. She got so worked up that she started swearing. Not only was I just babysitting for a friend, I am unable to get the toddler to stop swearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46793

You deserved it

3099

Favorite

By Wow - United States

Today, my boyfriend fell asleep while watching TV. I thought it would be cute to try to kiss him awake like they do in the movies. He farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43184

You deserved it

19270

Favorite

By sayno - Switzerland

Today, I went to a coffee shop to meet an online date. I couldn't spot him, so he eventually came up and introduced himself. It seems his on-line picture must have been taken before I was born. I spluttered "This isn't going to work," and promptly scuttled out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30979

You deserved it

11284

Favorite

By sirttocs

Today, my girlfriend asked me if I remembered what I did in my sleep last night. Turns out, in my sleep, I grabbed her crotch and said, “Just making sure you’re not Shae.” Shae is her sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2105

You deserved it

461

Favorite

By thatonegirl.SBS. - United States - El Cajon

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been seeing another girl behind my back. The kicker is that he told her I was his lazy sister and had just moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27228

You deserved it

2169

Favorite

By Forgotten Birthday Girl

Today, it's my birthday. I am a triplet. In my first class, everyone sang happy birthday to my sister. Her friends got her balloons too. My other sister's friends got her flowers. Everyone forgot I was their sister and all of my own friends forgot that it was my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4853

You deserved it

264

Favorite

By A.L.Woody - United States

You IDIOT

Today, I was approached by the head cheerleader, and she asked for my number. I was so excited that I gave it to her without question. Then she smiled, and walked away. Too bad my girlfriend was right behind me when it happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9766

You deserved it

112598

Favorite

By Anonymous

Stuck in the past

Today, I found out my boyfriend still writes Twilight fan fiction. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1306

You deserved it

374

Favorite

By Kate - United States

Today, my mom said we are having a party for the 4th of July. Her definition of a party is my grandma coming over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31631

You deserved it

3919

Favorite

By Sick

Today, I noticed a thick layer of mold growing inside the straw of my water bottle. I use that bottle every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5661

You deserved it

4646

Favorite

By babybambi

Today, I got food poisoning for the first time after cooking. Yesterday, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2301

Phew, glad it wasn't me

275

Favorite

By really?? - United States - Dinuba

Today, my boyfriend's mother hung a picture of him and his ex-girlfriend up. We've been together for 3 years now. Guess she really does hate me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53675

You deserved it

4112

Favorite

By college kid - United States

Today, I found out that the day I moved out of my parents' house, they invited my whole family over and had a party to celebrate the fact that I was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32154

You deserved it

5348

Favorite

By guy - United States

Today, my entire family came over for Thanksgiving. It went pretty well, only four family members got in a fistfight and only one cop car was called. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29710

You deserved it

2285

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my social anxiety got so bad that my 12 yr old daughter had to get in the driver's seat to order from the drive-thru. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11704

You deserved it

2808

Favorite

By huj - United States

Today, I was on an airplane, riding in first class for the first time in my life. The man next to me turned to me just before takeoff, stared at my chest, and said that he hoped there would be severe turbulence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39000

You deserved it

4292

Favorite

By AidenFromSweden - Sweden

Today, I come home to find my nephew holding pieces of my new $3,500 Sony Video Camera. He told me he threw it out the window because it was a portal for aliens. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54710

You deserved it

4421

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I got my period during my dance solo. My costume was white. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5464

You deserved it

398

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my Spanish test, and I felt very confident. I got the test back later, and saw my teacher had written on it: "Congrats on the 94%, but I know you cheated." FML

I agree, your life sucks

52832

You deserved it

7429

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 08:01 - Europe

Do not want

Today, I had a chat with a one-night stand and she's decided to keep the child. My life is basically over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

444

You deserved it

2459

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I listened as my ridiculously wealthy friend excitedly rambled on and on about her latest shopping trip. This is the same friend who owes me £150, and accused me of being insensitive for asking her to repay it at some point. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32490

You deserved it

4012

Favorite

By Megan - Canada

Today, my mum came home from a business trip. My four-year-old brother, who I'd been watching, told her I was "sexing" my boyfriend a lot after I put him to bed. After lots of arguing, she banned me from seeing him and took my car away. Only much later did I realize my brother meant "texting". FML

I agree, your life sucks

84711

You deserved it

5452

Favorite

By GuessImWalking

Today, I found out I will be without a car for two weeks because my mother volunteered to let my grandparents use mine while theirs is being repaired. They've been in 4 accidents over the last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5858

You deserved it

398

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad killed my pet rats. They were playing on the sofa, and he thought they were vermin. This would have been understandable if the reason he came over wasn't to meet them, and they hadn't been wearing bright pink walking harnesses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31897

You deserved it

7194

Favorite

By PissyPants - United States

Today, I finally got my first kiss. I was so excited, I pissed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45143

You deserved it

29282

Favorite

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Top comments

By Tiffani Carter | 6

#7845253 - Saturday 21 September 2019 4:15

Since you’re posting this...at least you’re alive?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7845276 - Saturday 21 September 2019 8:48

Don't be a sap -- enjoy the free syrup!

I'm trying to branch out into tree puns, but I'm stumped, so I'll just leaf.

COMMENTS

By Tiffani Carter | 6

#7845253 - Saturday 21 September 2019 4:15

Since you’re posting this...at least you’re alive?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7845276 - Saturday 21 September 2019 8:48

Don't be a sap -- enjoy the free syrup!

I'm trying to branch out into tree puns, but I'm stumped, so I'll just leaf.

By bobsanction | 16

#7845362 - Saturday 21 September 2019 18:56

Inside the house or the tree?