This week&#039;s illustrated FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he put me through so much heartache last year was because the make-up sex was awesome. FML

By soooglam / Thursday 12 November 2015 02:35 / France

Work

Messed up

Serious times

Incognito browsing

By makeupsex - 14/2/2012 11:25 - Canada

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Today, I was in my drama class and I was standing behind the curtains. My friend accidentally bumped me into the bin that was hidden behind the curtain. Everyone heard me fall and they opened the curtains. My butt was stuck in it and my knees were in front of my face. No one helped. FML

By JD - 6/2/2010 01:20 - Australia

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Today, I went to a McDonald's drive-thru in just a shirt and underwear, thinking I wouldn't be seeing anyone. I got into a car crash. FML

By pantless - 23/10/2016 09:31 - Australia - Sydney

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Today, I got a letter from my long time boyfriend asking me to meet him at the place we first met for a "surprise". I can't remember where that even is. FML

By lunab123 - 31/12/2015 20:59 - United States - Potomac

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Today, it was the first time I was meeting my guy's parents. Turns out he forgot it was his mum's birthday and I ended up having to meet his whole family. FML

By annoymous - 7/2/2017 06:00 - Australia - Glenroy

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Today, I was quietly reading in the subway, when all of a sudden, at a station, the man sitting next to me stood up, slapped me, yelled "Bitch!", and rushed off the train. FML

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 16:46 - France

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Today, my boyfriend thought it was a good show of etiquette to answer a text message from his ex, while he was still inside me. FML

By Anonymous - 4/5/2012 20:57 - Netherlands - Uithoorn

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Today, I missed my own surprise party because, having heard it being planned, I though it was going to be an intervention. FML

By Anonymous - 5/10/2010 14:36 - United States

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Today, I walked in on my little brother making a Devil's trap so he could capture the demon he thinks is possessing my hamster. FML

By lexigan4 - 29/10/2014 19:39 - United Kingdom

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Today, while lying in bed with my fiancé, we were talking about how we'd rather die, if given a choice. I said, "I want to die in my sleep next to you." His response? "It'd be sexier if you were on top of me with your face between my legs." Cute, honey. FML

By legwarmer - 31/12/2011 19:21 - United States

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Today, I wanted to be creative. I hid an engagement ring for my girlfriend inside one of her running shoes. I expected her to find it and wake me up, but she didn't. Later, when I asked if there was anything in her shoe, she responded, "There was a rock. I just shook it out outside. Why?" FML

By fmlll - 28/8/2009 15:08 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by sending me flowers that said, "I just need some space, forever. I hope I never see you again, even if you were a great person. It's not you it's me." FML

By PinkMonkeys - 23/11/2016 18:33

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Today, my wife caught our six-year-old son peeing in the bathroom sink. He pulled his little stool up in front, that he uses to brush his teeth, and was peeing in the sink. When we asked why, he said that he wanted to pee like a man, "like we do at football games." My son is using our bathroom sink like a urinal. FML

By fml9124 - 21/12/2019 05:00

New urinal

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Today, I stepped out of the house for some fresh air. It was still dark out, so imagine my horror when I accidentally stepped on a frog. It squealed for a split second before being crushed beneath my uncovered foot. FML

By traumatizedforlife - 5/8/2013 20:21 - United States

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Today, I was sitting with my boyfriend watching the Super Nanny. He watches the show regularly and said he has learned some of her techniques. Apparently, he uses them on me when I'm acting irrational. FML

By Anonymous - 8/9/2009 14:04 - United States

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Today, I'm so tired from constantly soothing my crying 2-month-old baby that I've started trying to soothe inanimate objects with baby talk when they make a noise. My fridge stated beeping and I began an involuntary chorus of, 'It's OK darling, shhhhhh, it's alright.' FML

By Babyhazy - 5/6/2016 21:52 - Australia - South Yarra

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Today, I was at the theatre with my 4-year-old son who was situated on my lap. Halfway through the movie, he turns to face me and states loudly, "Mommy, your legs are so furry!". Everyone watching the show turned and stared at us. FML

By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 06:58 - United States

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Today, my 2-year-old woke up from her nap with a full diaper, then decided to climb down from her bed and got stuck under the railing, leaving a stinky trail of poop everywhere. FML

By Carolina R-h - 18/6/2019 16:30

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Today, after months of using the empty driveway across the street from my house, a note was placed under my windshield wiper. It read, "Please stop parking in my driveway. P.S. You’re hot. Are you single?" FML

By bronco_lover89 - 22/5/2012 01:05 - United States - Essexville

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Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML

By Sanchez - 7/1/2010 17:22 - United States

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Today, I found out that I'm sensitive to the NuvaRing. It felt like I was a buffet for fire ants. FML

By PaePae - 14/6/2019 21:31 - United States - Columbia

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Today, one of my good friends confided in me about the affair she is having with our boss. She'd been sleeping with him for 3 months and told me they were in love, but it had to be kept quiet due to our company's very strict anti-fraternization policy . I'd been secretly seeing him all year. FML

By Anonymous - 20/6/2009 17:14 - United States

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Today, I took a shower while my two-year-old slept. In the 30 minutes it took me to shower, get dressed, and go back to his room, he had woken up, taken his pants and diaper off, and smears crap all over himself and his bed. FML

By Anonymous - 8/1/2018 09:00 - United States - Thomasville

That's not a child, that's a bio-hazard!

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Today, I got the, "It's not you, it's me" speech for the third breakup in a row. I'm beginning to think that they may not be entirely telling me the truth. FML

By swiggityswooty - 23/7/2014 04:09 - United States - Los Angeles

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Today, at work, the prizes were given to the employee of the month. They come in to surprise the winner and give prizes. They come over to my cubicle and cover me with silly string. Jokingly, I said: "Do you guys have the wrong cubicle? " They did. The guy in the next cubicle won. FML

By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 21:42 - United States

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Today, I learned that not only is my husband having an affair with my own mother, but my whole family knew. They were keeping it a secret from me for 3 months. FML

By - 28/12/2018 12:00 - United States

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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Today, my boss fired me because of the way I laugh. Apparently it reminds him too much of his ex-wife's laugh. I'm a guy. FML

By Johnnogood - 9/10/2012 13:57 - United States - Brooklyn

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Today, at a supermarket, I ran into a girl I knew in high school. She had 2 kids with her and they were buying school supplies. My cart was full of beer and snacks. After a chat, she left, not before saying, "I hope things get better for you." I have a job and a girlfriend. FML

By Steven - 3/9/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Llanelli

Judgmental much?

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Today, I was working at Tim Hortons. A lady was in line, and she couldnt make up her mind. 20 minutes later she finally decided to get something, and she reached in her pocket. I was hoping it was a tip, but she gave me a coupon for a haircut. FML

By justin_99 - 3/11/2009 01:15 - Canada

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Today, I was hiking down a steep hill, and I slipped. I instinctively grabbed the nearest object to me: a very prickly cactus. FML

By Anonymous - 31/8/2014 17:51 - United States

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Today, while walking home with my boyfriend, he jokingly slapped my butt. A man as old as my dad drove by, yelled "Wooo, spank that ass! DAMN!" and kept leering at me before finally driving off. FML

By jessinono - 17/5/2013 16:16 - United States

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Today I realized that my boyfriend has more money on his Metro card than I have in my entire bank account. FML

By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 08:19

Rock Bottom Riser

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Today, my little sister had her second son. She is 31 and she named her sons after her favorite television characters, Sam and Dean Winchester. She has made it her life goal to make sure her husband never finds out. FML

By mykodu - 2/10/2014 20:29 - Canada - Toronto

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Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML

By toastedguy - 1/12/2009 05:00 - United States

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Today, I refused to go down on my boyfriend of 9 months. He then shoved me off the couch and, half crying, yelled that I was the third girl this week to turn him down. After sobbing for a bit, he looked me in the eyes and said, "I need you to do this so I can prove my manhood." FML

By saywhat - 9/4/2013 11:05 - United States - Yakima

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Today, my boyfriend took me to meet his friends at one of his exclusive "clubs." Expecting it to be his old friends from college, I agreed to go. Apparently, I've been dating a member of the Ku Klux Klan for 2 years. FML

By Awkward - 16/1/2010 21:24 - United States

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Today, whilst chatting with my mum on MSN, she unintentionally sent me an animated emoticon of a penis jerking off repeatedly. I don't even want to know the type of conversation she was having. FML

By Dina - 23/11/2008 09:24 - France

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Today, my dad and I got royally bitched out by my mother, because she found a bill for a porn site subscription, which was paid by my dad, but made out to my name. I had no idea about any of this, but she now thinks I'm a filthy porn addict and that my dad is an enabler. FML

By Anonymous - 14/1/2014 20:09 - Denmark - Copenhagen

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Today, my friend with benefits got my new car stuck in a mud hole. I had to call my ex to get us unstuck. FML

By Seriously? - 22/7/2017 13:54

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Today, I bought a cake. I then immediately forgot what I was carrying, opened the door to my car, and tossed the bag into the back seat. FML

By Alex Knight - 7/11/2017 19:00

The cake was not a lie.

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