This week&#039;s illustrated FML

Today, after a long bike-ride home, I thought my roommate was being a douche and holding the door shut to our apartment. After about ten minutes of shoulder-slamming and name calling, I discovered that I just wasn't turning the key all the way, which I found out when my roomie came home. FML

By soooglam / Thursday 12 November 2015 02:35 / France

Work

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Time don't heal nothing

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By nooooooooob - 5/10/2011 08:59 - United States

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34934

Today, I've been single for so long my grandmother had to ask if I actually like women or not. FML

By Forever alone Guy - 19/2/2013 23:07 - Australia - Narre Warren

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3800

Today, I woke up with a burning sensation on my butt. Remembering that yesterday I was bit by a fire ant, I decided to reinspect the bite. I found ten more which itch and burn. My parents' new nickname for me is "Firebutt". FML

By Firepants - 28/8/2010 16:04 - Canada

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4076

Today, I was at a restaurant with my son when he started to choke on his food. Panicked, I grabbed the closest drink I could reach and made him gulp it down. Only when I received tons of dirty looks from people at other tables did I realize I had given him beer. My son is 8. FML

By stargirl - 19/7/2011 00:36 - Canada

39075

13022

Today, I found out that, after having moved over 500 miles to begin a post-graduate degree, I'm being kicked out of the house I'm renting. We haven't yet signed agreements. Apparently I "keep the kitchen too clean". FML

By homeless - 26/3/2014 23:45 - United Kingdom - Winchester

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3619

Today, I was on a date with a girl I've had feelings for since I was 14 (I'm 22). I took her out to dinner, then to a movie that we both liked and had a few drinks afterwards. I thought it was going really well until I was driving her home and she asked to be dropped off at her boyfriend's house. FML

By tacoboy - 21/8/2009 08:06 - United States

47034

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Today, just like the past 2 weeks, I'm so broke that I only got to eat dinner because I went on a first date with a guy from Tinder. FML

By broke - 9/7/2016 07:36

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Today, my sister-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer. My mother then confided in me that she suspected it was a prank to get more money from our family. FML

By iamsolid - 20/10/2012 15:10 - United States

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1722

Today, a four pound can of tuna fell on my head at work, and it burst all over my clothes. Since I'm the manager, I had to stay all day reeking of tuna. Now I'm home, my damn cat won't leave me alone. FML

By Alpheas - 30/5/2010 05:12 - United States

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Today, I had to explain to my teacher that Czechoslovakia is no longer a country. She kicked me out of class when she found out I was right. FML

By Anonymous - 30/8/2012 18:33 - United States - Auburn

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Today, I was scrolling through my Instagram timeline and saw a picture of my friend in a ridiculous wig. I left a comment telling her how stupid the wig looked, but how great it was to have a friend with a sense of humour. She replied, telling me it wasn't a wig, it was her new hairstyle. FML

By Alyssa - 27/4/2020 23:00 - United Kingdom

Fashion blogger

587

1741

Today, I was in a rush and forgot to flush the toilet after taking a huge dump. After coming home from work, I check my facebook to find myself tagged by my boyfriend in a photo. The photo was of the toilet, with the caption: "This is what Taco Bell does." FML

By tanya - 25/10/2010 12:32 - Canada

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Today, I accidentally stumbled on a method of getting my job done in about a third of the time, so my boss made it mandatory for all employees. Unfortunately, my coworkers now can't slack off pretending jobs take 2-3 hours, and their constant petty revenge bullying is driving me mad. FML

By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 08:00

No one likes a smart-ass

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673

Today, less than a month from our wedding, my fiancé told me that he doesn't trust me and will be cancelling our wedding and new apartment lease if I don't give him all the names, numbers and addresses of my exes. All because I received a text from a wrong number that said, "Hey baby." FML

By Groomzilla? - 28/4/2015 05:32 - Canada - Niagara Falls

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Today, after watching the news, I realized the only person who has ever wished that I had a good day, or wished that I had anything pleasant for that matter, is Charlie Gibson on World News Tonight. FML

By newscomes - 14/10/2009 23:06 - United States

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Today, I chuckled at a "no smoking" sign as I lit my cigarette. I bent my head down to light it and somehow managed to light my hair on fire. FML

By kaycie_lynn - 19/2/2010 01:11 - United States

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Today, me and a friend I met in the club were sandwiching this blonde girl dancing, when 5 minutes later she turned around and said that I should get another girl and gently brushed me aside. FML

By Owned - 29/1/2009 00:32 - Taiwan

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Today, a girl I have been wanting for years told me she was drunk and needed me to take her home. On the way home she was very frisky and flirty, and I kept telling her to wait till we got to her place. When we finally arrived, she passed out on me and I was stuck there watching her sleep. FML

By depressed - 22/2/2010 07:23 - United States

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Today, I was bored at work, so I started browsing the Internet. While I was on my Facebook page, my boss tagged me in a status: "I've been standing behind you for ten minutes." FML

By notbrowsingnow - 8/5/2014 23:46 - United States

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Today, I was having sex with a girl and she passed out about a minute in. I panicked and thought she'd died so I tried to feel for a heartbeat. She woke up 45 seconds later and accused me of fondling her breasts while she was out. Apparently she has narcolepsy. FML

By AVeryConfusedGuy - 11/5/2017 22:00

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577

Today, I was sitting at a bus stop and a guy stops in front of me and says "Oh very nice. How much?" I reply "You couldn't afford me." An old guy sitting next to me says "I bet I could" and puts his hand on my leg. I forfeited the bus and walked home in the rain. FML

By rice_cake - 22/5/2009 10:52 - Australia

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Today, during the countdown to midnight, I looked for my girlfriend so I could kiss her as 2013 began. I found her just in time to see her making out with some guy she swore was "only a friend." FML

By Anonymous - 1/1/2013 07:50 - Australia - Sydney

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Today, I found my mom eating cat biscuits. We don't have a cat. FML

By Aled - 17/2/2011 16:33 - United Kingdom

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Today, I finally found the courage to ask a guy I like out for a drink. He accepted, we drank, and when it came time to go home, I half-drunkenly left him my number. Once I got back home, I realized I'd actually given him my dad's number instead. FML

By 3some? uh, no - 1/2/2013 19:59 - Dominican Republic

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Today, at work, man who was buying medicine for his son came up to me for help. He didn't know how to explain it to me, so instead he showed me a picture of a rash on his kid's butthole. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2016 05:06 - United States - Miami

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Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend for the first time. I moved my leg to wrap it around him and accidentally hit his penis. Without thinking, I said, "Sorry little guy!" FML

By MiniJeans - 30/4/2015 02:25 - United States - Casselberry

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Today, I watched Gigli. FML

By Anonymous - 11/3/2012 23:19 - United States

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Today, my mum bought a phone. Since teaching her how to text, I have received 27 messages, repeatedly saying the word "penis". FML

By jaderie - 21/4/2012 09:26 - Australia - Sydney

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Today, I woke up to an unfamiliar male face right beside mine. I flipped out fell of my 4 foot raised bed and got a concussion. Who, you may ask, was in my bed? My Robert Pattinson pillowcase. FML

By Anonymous - 27/12/2010 03:09 - Canada

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Today, three women came into my work and one was wearing a shirt with a rainbow that said, "We are everywhere". I had just gotten what it was referring to and when I greeted them I ended up saying "Hi gays!" instead of the standard "Hi guys". FML

By Anonymous - 1/6/2009 10:46 - United States

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Today, I asked my boyfriend of 3 years what he thought about marriage in the future. "Who knows? We might meet other people soon." FML

By Spinster - 30/9/2015 05:26 - United States - Brush

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Today, while arm wrestling with my boyfriend, I had to pretend he beat me. FML

By fthislyfe - 2/7/2011 14:06 - United States

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Today, to punish me for being hungover, my roommate blasted the bagpipe version of "Amazing Grace" through his stereo. FML

By jm_track - 26/2/2011 22:59 - United States

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Today, I was called into my 17-year-old son's high school. Why? Because it was Wednesday, also known as "Hump Day" and his friends managed to convince him that you're supposed to go around and hump people. FML

By Judy - 19/9/2012 23:33 - United States - Altoona

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Today, my class was assigned lockers. Out of all the lockers in the entire school, mine is the only one to still have graffiti on it from last year. The tagger's choice of words? "Poop face." FML

By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 16:33 - United States

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Today, I was hit by a truck while walking to school. It was the driver's fault as I was in a crosswalk. My parents met me at the hospital where I had minor injuries. They began discussing what the insurance money would be spent on. They decided on a second honeymoon to Las Vegas. FML

By screwed - 29/5/2009 23:21 - United States

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Today, while getting on a city bus, I sat down on a urine-soaked seat. FML

By Ihatebuses - 14/6/2018 19:00

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Today, I was picking up after my dog with a poo baggie over my hand, like a mitten. Too bad the bottom ripped open and my bare hand poked through it just as I grabbed a big handful of steaming dog turd. FML

By Anonymous - 11/6/2019 06:00

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Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML

By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 06:50 - Singapore

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Today, it's the first birthday of the condom in my pocket. FML

By badplacerightnow - 13/10/2014 14:15 - United States - Frisco

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