This week&#039;s illustrated FML

Today, a grasshopper jumped into my car. As my boyfriend swiped at it, the grasshopper jumped onto my chest and into my shirt. Instead of helping me get it out, my boyfriend leaned back and said, "It got to second base faster than I did." FML

By soooglam / Thursday 12 November 2015 02:35 / France

Work

Triage

Clocked

Do as I say, not as I do

By tickyette - United States

32154

10321

Today, my boss wrote me up for saying "pissed" in front of a client. This is the same boss who nearly pissed himself laughing when a client made an extremely off-color Holocaust joke a few weeks ago, in front of half the department. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

14136

1492

Today, after waiting 2 hours for my landlord to leave so I could take a shit in peace, I sat down on the toilet. The doorbell immediately rang. It was my landlord, who wanted to let me know that he had just backed into my car. FML

By chubbs - United States - Vacaville

50062

3754

Today, my boyfriend managed to convince me that Australia was called a penal colony because all the prisoners were men. FML

By Fire_Princess16

1769

3021

Today, during a never-ending dinner with really boring friends, I faked being tired and told my husband, "Let’s go honey, we have a long way to drive home." He looks at me and says, "Well… we are at home." FML

By alice5000 - France

17430

70033

Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML

By Sanchez - United States

43355

2784

Today, at my job in a funeral home, I was transferring a body off a stretcher when it exhaled its last breath. Right into my face. FML

By 0h_Boy - 4/3/2020 18:00

Death Rattle part 2: Electric Boogaloo

1698

147

Today, I'm officially a week overdue. I went to the hospital, thinking I was in labor since I was in so much pain. Turns out it was just gas. The nurse couldn't hold back her look of pity as she told me this. FML

By herestowaiting - United States - Detroit

13485

1103

Today, I ran into my shitlord of an ex at the store. He took one look at me, yelled "You cheating bitch!" in a wounded voice, then walked away, fake-crying. I got so many dirty looks. The worst part is that I dumped him last month for cheating on me with my "best friend." FML

By Anonymous - United States

55654

3759

Today, I was accused of masturbating during work. I was actually just getting something out of my pocket. FML

By dinosaucer - United States

34155

3528

Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML

By lolilovemyboyfriend - United States

58776

18479

Today, I had pancakes for breakfast, and without realizing it, I got syrup in my hair. After breakfast, I went to straighten my hair, only to burn the syrup and have it get stuck in my hair. There was no time to shower and it smelled. FML

By maddy - United States

13004

23702

Today, I spent an ungodly amount of money to send my long-distance boyfriend a giant bouquet of roses for Valentine's Day. A few hours after making the non-refundable payment, he let me know we weren't going to work out, and that he was already sleeping with someone else. FML

By cyprianista - United States - Houston

36056

4395

Today, I went to the beach. I was in the ocean and I looked over my shoulder and saw a big black spot. Knowing that there were big crabs on the beach, I screamed. Everyone in the water heard including the lifeguards. It turns out it was just my shadow. FML

By Thalassophobic - United States

10631

51756

Today, I had the cops called on me for acting suspiciously. I was using a payphone. FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Brighton

44565

3995

Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He humps the blankets on my mother's bed while staring at her while she's sleeping. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

41748

3646

Today, my parents asked me if I would dog-sit for them while they go to my ex's wedding. FML

By littlepsychgirl - United States

36383

2913

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of something I said 2 years ago, as a joke. I guess she took a while to get it. FML

By Username - Canada

47083

8166

Today, I found out that my best friend lost her virginity to my father. Her excuse? She was drunk. His excuse? "She's hot." FML

By Anonymous - United States

Reasonable

58933

4370

Today, my 2 year relationship ended when my boyfriend accused me of stealing his beanie hat. FML

By single and hatless - United States - Wilmington

23301

2227

Today, I got a spray tan. The lady asked what shade I wanted to be, and joking, I said the darkest. She took it seriously. Now no one can recognize me, and I have work tomorrow. FML

By Sally - United States

8877

69157

Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML

By phoenix101

Dad jokes

23941

66899

Today, my daughter asked me to take her to Victoria's Secret so I could buy her some "sexy clothes". She's 9. FML

By Anonymous

13682

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2637

Today, I met a guy that I liked. We really hit it off, that is until his parents walked by and he started begging them, down on his hands and knees, to buy him a new video game. FML

By lilshoobydoo14 - United States

32311

4312

Today, after five years of being with my boyfriend, I found out that he is apparently very xenophobic. FML

By Amber - 2/1/2021 02:01

Tell us more

666

180

Today, at almost 26 years old, my beard is finally coming in. Too bad it, like the hair on my head, is 50% grey already. FML

By inappropes

3591

262

Today, I brought my boyfriend home to meet my family. The first thing my mom said to him was, “Oh, you can do so much better. Like a paint huffer or a crack whore.” She was serious, and my entire family nodded in agreement. FML

By sadgirl - United States - Edmond

1767

159

Today, my mother found a hickey on my neck. Not believing that it was from the hungry 2-month-old child I was holding, she confronted my boyfriend about it. He promptly accused me of cheating. FML

By Anonymous - United States

29765

2650

Today, I walked into two things. The first was a spiderweb. The second, due to blind panic, was oncoming traffic. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

26847

5806

Today, I haven’t been camping since I was a kid. I decided to give it another shot. I bought all the best equipment, researched all the great locations, planned a whole weekend. Turns out I still fucking hate camping and now I’m out over $400. FML

By not outdoorsy - 10/7/2020 14:02

The call of the wild

534

2020

Today, at a tutoring center, one of the tutors looked at my worksheet and laughed. She then showed all the other tutors my mistakes and they laughed along with her. The best part? They all speak Chinese and they think I can't understand them. I'm Chinese. FML

By Anonymous - Hong Kong - Central District

12707

851

Today, I spent an hour at work trying to make a tortoise poo. When he finally did, I was so excited and felt pretty triumphant. Then I realized that my job was to make animals drop their load. FML

By poomaster - United States

28712

5140

Today, I went to the doctor's office for an appointment. After waiting for ages, I asked the receptionist what the delay was. Apparently, I had no standing appointment today. This is coming from the same receptionist who checked me in nearly two hours ago. FML

By ihateoldmagazines - United States

29337

2845

Today, I got to Costa Rica for my first vacation in five years. I immediately rented a scooter for the week after checking into my prepaid, no refunds, hotel. On the way back from the rental agency I hit a pothole and broke my leg and ripped the skin off my foot. I'm flying home tomorrow. FML

By Dale - Costa Rica

47398

4143

Today, it was the fourth time I've had major dental work done, because my dentist messed up my root canal. After almost a dozen needles, three missed work days, over $1,000, and 2 broken tools, I only have a tiny, barely-successful filling to show for it. FML

By hatemydentist - Canada - Toronto

34528

3299

Today, I was at a comedy club, and the girl behind me was drinking. Before she swallowed it, the comedian said something funny, making her spit it all in my hair. I had just had it done for my sister's wedding tomorrow. FML

By Username - France

32421

6563

Today, after months of cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my husband's grandmother due to her getting a hip replacement, I overheard her calling me a whore over the phone from the next room. FML

By loving grandaughter - United States

34831

2735

Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML

By Embarressed... - United Kingdom

44367

11276

Today, I was called an 'inconsiderate scum bucket' by my neighbour because I allowed my loud alarm to go on too long before silencing it. The only reason that I sleep through my alarm is because I have to wear earplugs as they have their TV on maximum volume until 4am. FML

By Exhausted - Iran Islamic Republic of

33787

2628

Today, my boyfriend and I finally had sex. The entire time he kept begging me to fart, especially on him. FML

By Anonymous

Fetish

2349

250