This week&#039;s illustrated FML

Today, I slept in late and when I woke up, thought I was the only one in the house so I decided to walk around the corner to the only upstairs bathroom naked. My dad also slept in, also thought he was the only one in the house, and also decided to walk to the bathroom naked. We collided. FML

By soooglam / Thursday 12 November 2015 02:35 / France

Work

And today, on Dr Phil…

Workers of the world unite

Bunged up

By malebonding - United States

67207

14866

Today, I asked a guy to change into a gown for an X-ray exam. I asked him to leave his underwear on, everything else off. Apparently he was going commando, as he left skid marks on my table when the exam was over. FML

By Radbaby

2991

150

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when I saw a really good deal on some bacon. Before I could take any, a huge-ass woman stormed over, kicked my cart down the aisle, and snatched every single packet for herself. And I actually got upset over this. FML

By wtf is wrong with my country - United States

36160

3594

Today, my pro wrestling training class had come to a close and I was gathering my things outside of the ring. One of my fellow trainees got out of the ring on the side where there was nothing but giant stage lights. He knocked them over onto me, giving me my first pro wrestling injury. I’d always thought that would happen in the ring. FML

By Anonymous

Not so ready to rumble

1242

136

Today, my boss showed us a small picture of his family on his phone. Jokingly, I commented on how the orange shirt he was wearing reminded me of a big pumpkin. He wasn't wearing an orange shirt. His wife was. FML

By TheCrossingChick - United States

14627

28792

Today, I was on a girls' trip in Las Vegas. I met a cute guy at a bar and we were going back to his hotel room together. On the way up, he asked me how much it would cost. FML

By Hooker - United States

48931

20509

Today, my daughter used her spare key to get into my house while I was at work, then took and pawned off all of my jewelry. She only confessed when I confronted her with video camera footage. Her defense was that I told her I'd leave her everything in my will. Honey, I'm not dead yet. FML

By Anonymous - Germany - Ammerndorf

The cheek!

51891

5278

Today, the girl I've gone on two dates with showed up at my house with several boxes of her stuff, expecting to move in. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Surrey

32649

2586

Today, I spent $400 at the stripclub and got 4 phone numbers. I as walked out of the club, I noticed it was trans-night. FML

By bluntedone - United States

11002

51983

Today, I had to endure yet another evening of the old man in the apartment above me screaming, "No, I don't want to shave my nose hair, you crazy bitch." He lives alone. FML

By hurtsmyears - United States

33234

2351

Today, I was speeding home, bursting to take a crap. I pulled into my driveway and made it inside, before my wife told me the plumber was still working on our pipes. I ended up having to take a crap in my own backyard, behind a tree. FML

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Caught short

35849

3373

Today, I got my language final exam back. It was a 10-page essay front and back, and I saw that I received a D. The teacher told me the plot was too hard to follow and it jumped all over the place. It turns out he forgot to read the back of every page. FML

By df22 - 3/7/2020 20:08

Graded

1821

129

Today, my Nana showed me her new sign that says, "Some of my greatest blessings call me Nana." We stood there looking at a wall FULL of pictures of her grandkids, which is where she wanted to hang it. After scanning the wall a couple times, I realized. There was not one picture of me. FML

By weeble_wobbles09 - United States

31359

2806

Today, I learned when you're babysitting a 5 year old, and you hear the toilet flush and then the words "uh oh", it's already too late. FML

By Pooperscooper - France

45579

6852

Today, my husband and I decided to tell our sixteen-year-old daughter that she's adopted. Her response was, "Thank God!" FML

By best_mom_ever - United States - Mount Juliet

30604

6691

Today, I had a job interview where I was interrupted for using the word creative because there is "only one creator". FML

By IAMALITAHA - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

45363

4522

Today, my Dad's banjo arrived, as part of his mid-life crisis. It would be fine if he could play it but unfortunately he's tone deaf. He hasn't stopped playing it for the last 4 hours. FML

By anonymous - Australia

27671

2682

Today, the guy I like recommended I buy this computer game. Wanting to impress him, I agreed. Turns out it was a joke. I am now the proud owner of Microsoft Train Simulator 2005, and he can't stop laughing. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

10632

37197

Today, I told my grandpa that I want to join the police force. His response: "You wanna lynch some blacks without the jail time, eh?" FML

By onlyjuggalos - United States

22485

2527

Today, at a family Seder, (a Jewish service for Passover), my mom served matzah balls during the festive meal. Considering how much I love matzah balls and there aren't many options for me to eat because I'm a vegetarian, I shouted, "I like really big balls!" in front of my entire family. FML

By anon13 - United States

21512

94571

Today, I was at the water park, when I slipped and fell to the ground in front of the no running sign. I was walking. FML

By NoRunning - United States

29313

5106

Today, my wife came home from work early and told me she'd been fired. She was really upset so I told her how much she means to me and how much I love her to help cheer her up. She then told me she was caught getting it on with another employee. FML

By LOLCATS - United Kingdom

34040

2453

Today, I get to add spaghetti sauce to my rather extensive list of things that don't belong in a person's eye but that end up in mine anyway. Other items include molten cheese, rock salt, orange juice, chips of nail polish, cotton fibers, and firework ash. FML

By gspotter - Canada - Verdun

31045

5004

Today, I was in the shower and I heard my boyfriend walk in. I struck my sexiest pose and when he came in, he looked me up and down and told me, "You look like my mother." Thanks. FML

By dumped - United States

You tried

36522

5589

Today, I fell down the stairs and broke my arm. I went into hospital to get it put in a cast, but still went into school afterwards. I got written up for truancy because I didn't have a doctor's note. The cast was still on my arm. FML

By London - United Kingdom

42064

3374

Today, I realized that my neighbors can not only hear me singing in the shower through my apartment's paper-thin walls, they also take great delight in recording it so that they can play it at high volume for their friends when they next throw a party. I want to disappear. FML

By ShowerStar - United States - Mequon

25850

4392

Today, my mother refused to buy a cat because my sister is allergic to them. She bought a rabbit instead. I'm allergic to rabbits. FML

By anonymous - Canada

25269

1503

Today, I told my dad that I have a very serious drinking problem and that I need to go to rehab because I can't stop on my own. He told me that I just need to make new friends and suggested I join a sorority. FML

By Anonymous - United States

37392

6485

Today, my fiancé heard I was having a rotten day at work. He stopped by the flower shop and bought me a lovely rose which I put right next to my work station. That is until a giant wasp flew out and stung me. I still have a swollen arm hours later. FML

By rinakitty94 - United States - Sunset

28117

2217

Today, after months of searching for any kind of work, I finally received a call. It was McDonald's, but they said I was overqualified for the position. I thought they took anyone with a heart rate. Apparently not. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Baton Rouge

No BigMac for you

1600

Today, my best friend told me he had a crush on someone in my house. I got excited, but he told me it was my mom. FML

By Heartbroken - United States

She's got it going on!

2334

207

Today, I got a $20 tip from an old lady I delivered pizza to. Ecstatic, I walked back to my car where there was a $30 parking fine waiting for me. FML

By dammit33 - Australia - Melbourne

25700

8873

Today, my friends happily announced that although they had been cut, they were still going to be playing on the school's volleyball team. The rumor going around is that everyone who tried out made the team. I never got a call back. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

25416

2905

Today, I ordered two double cheeseburgers from McDonald's and asked for one of them without pickles so they would think I was ordering for two people. Both burgers were for me. FML

By hamburglar - United States - Irving

10485

8419

Today, whilst making a cake for my kids, I accidentally got some cocoa powder in my nose. Now it feels like my nose is burning stronger than the fires of hell. On the bright side, everything smells like chocolate. FML

By Evjoel - Bermuda - Hamilton

11569

1080

Today, after working the midnight shift at my job, I thought it would be nice to leave a sweet love note along with my boyfriend's favourite candy in his car. Upon finding it, he immediately broke up with me for "breaking into" his car. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Saint-laurent

35631

5300

Today, my friends decided that I eat too many snacks. To emphasize this point, they went behind my back and printed 300 pages with my face and the words "NO SNACKS" on them. They were posted in every academic building on campus, including every room I have class in. FML

By face - United States

72028

10650

Today, I Googled "How to act like an adult." I'm 37. FML

By forever young - United States

26376

52703

Today we tried to have sex for the first time but I got so excited my blood pressure shot up and I got a nosebleed that didn't fully stop for nearly 30 minutes. Then when we tried again she accidentally headbutted me. The new bleeding still hasn't stopped and I'm feeling very lightheaded. FML

By too dumb for sex

2143

233

Today, I was at Walmart when I saw my grandpa in the next aisle looking at magazines. Wanting to surprise him, I ran up behind him and hugged him around the middle. Up close, I realized he wasn't my grandpa. FML

By Oops - United States - Augusta

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30567