Transportation: Today, I went with my grandma to pickup my uncle and cousins... - FML

By carpusher - United States

Today, I went with my grandma to pickup my uncle and cousins from the airport. On our way there, the car died in the middle of the road. A police officer stopped to help us, he blocked the road while i pushed and my grandma steered. I had to push a minivan, I weigh 115 lbs. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Triage

Trans women are women

By xolaurennnn - United States

Today, it was hot out, so I wore shorts. My dad took one look at me and said, "Your thighs are so pale, it's like staring into the sun". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandma's chihuahua was run over while I was taking her for a walk. She later whispered to me, "It should have been you." FML

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By Laci - United States

Today, I was stuck crouching over the toilet after a night of drinking. My fiancé walked in, gathered my hair, and held it out of the way. When another wave of nausea hit me and I leaned in, he shoved my face into the bowl and ran out, laughing and yelling, "That'll teach ya!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got a phone call to say my workplace was closed due to extreme weather conditions. Looking forward to my day off, I then realised the boiler was broken and my house has no heating despite there being a foot of snow outside. I'm spending the day in bed, wearing all my clothes. FML

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By ouchiee - United States

Today, I sprained my sternum in my rugby match. I now can't yell, laugh, cough, inhale or exhale fully, or sneeze without a sharp pain shooting through my chest. I have a pollen allergy, and sneeze every 5 or 10 minutes. FML

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By yudencow

Reading skills

Today, I showed my parents the latest excerpt from my first book. It's about narratology. My dad thought I was writing about meat. He read "peaks and valleys" as "pork and veal." FML

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By man - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML

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By Milly - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the phone. After a while, I realised he was just delaying while pleasuring himself to the sound of my voice. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out I have a new allergy: the sun. My face is so swollen that it has started to bleed to relieve the pressure. Today is also day 6 of the 3-month European trip that I spent all year saving for. FML

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By jriese444 - United States

Today, my sister is visiting. She used more toilet paper today than I have in two months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Macon

Today, I went to visit my senile grandma, since she's ill and nobody else in the family visits her. I ended up having to sit through a long rant about the Illuminati, black people, and how we'd have a cure for the common cold already if it weren't for "those god damned foreigners". FML

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By ms piggy - United States

Today, stepping on a scale for the first time in years, I had to lift up my stomach to see the number. FML

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By lizardhater - 12/3/2020 22:09 - Singapore

I'm Jim Morrison, I'm Dead

Today, a lizard got caught in some loose duct tape in my office. A perk of working alone, I get to clean up. Lizards scare the Bejeezus out of me. FML

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By LadySteveMartin - United States - Woonsocket

Today, I finally had the best sex I've ever had with this really hot guy I've been hanging out with lately. I thought everything was all well and good until he turned to me and said, "You know, your orgasm face kinda reminds me of Steve Martin, but in a good way." FML

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By sexytime - United States

Today, my best friend who I've had serious feelings for for over a year decided to tell everyone that he hasn't gotten laid in almost 2 years. When I told him that he was lying, he responded with "No, I'm not. Who could I possibly have slept with?" We hooked up 6 months ago. 3 times. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Walbridge

Today, my mom finally noticed the joke file I have on my PC desktop called "bigcocklovespussy.jpg". It's just a cute picture of a chicken snuggling with a cat. She didn't actually open the file and just deleted it. She won't believe my explanation and grounded me for a month for "looking at porn". FML

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By squad - United States - Washington

My first time

Today, I lost my virginity with my boyfriend. As he was about to cum, I moaned his brother's name. I've never even met his brother and now I'm single. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a dutch oven, with my own fart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seaside

Today, at work, I gave a piece of candy to a co-worker I have a crush on. She looked at me weirdly and walked away. I then remembered that my friend wrote "penis" on the wrapper. FML

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By random - United States - Amarillo

Today, while working as a paramedic, we got called to an assisted living home. The medical emergency? The woman had a leak in her bathroom and wanted it fixed. FML

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By "lk07" - United States - Midlothian

Today, after selling things on eBay all week to afford a nice weekend with my husband and kids, my car died. Now we have to spend the money on a battery. FML

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By FML

Et tu, Brute?

Today, I returned home from my aunt's funeral abroad to find my boyfriend in bed with my sister, who claimed she was unable to fly due to the flu. FML

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By neilmalik - United States - Murrieta

Today, at work, I had a crease in my pants. Everyone thought I had a boner. Later in the day, when I actually had one, no one could tell. FML

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By Andrew - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to buy a bottle of wine from the supermarket. The scrawny, acne-ridden kid at the checkout asked to see my ID. I didn't have any on me, since I'm 37 years old and didn't expect to be asked stupid questions. I complained to his manager, only to be asked to leave. FML

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By VoodooPriestess - 28/11/2020 14:02

What a catch

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years responded to my opening up about how I felt like I was always put on the back burner, was to ghost me for a week, and break up via text. Don't worry though, we can still be friends and maybe later, when he's ready, start the relationship again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Simp

Today, it was the girl of my dreams' birthday. She already knows I am totally in love with her. So for her birthday I decided to buy her a $60 dollar bottle of rum for her and her friends to have fun with. She picked it up from my house with her new boyfriend waiting in the car. FML

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By surprise - United States - Starkville

Today, I wanted to surprise my roommate by picking her up from class with her dog. Her dog decided to surprise me by dumping a load on my passenger seat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, feeling melancholy, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML

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By calling_while_driving - United States

Today, while driving, I got a call on my cell phone. Trying to be safe and avoid an accident, I pulled into the nearest parking lot before answering. While I was turning in to park, someone rear-ended me. FML

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By Emily - Canada - Baden

Today, my husband told me that occasionally I pick my nose while I sleep. I didn't believe him so he showed me the video he took of it. He wants to post it on Facebook. FML

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By mother to be - United States

Today, while talking to my sister, I explained to her that the reason I hope I end up having a girl is I want my daughter to love me the way I "used" to love my own mother. I didn't mean to say it in the past tense. My sister told my mom. She's planning my baby shower. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mackay

Today, I regretfully confessed to my parents I have trichotillomania. There was a torturous pause, followed by the question, "Are you gay?" FML

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By Hmmmm - United States - Cleveland

Today, I was made aware that my teenage son used "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter" as a reference point in a class debate as if it was a biopic. Oh dear. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it wasn't until I heard something fly off the roof of my car and hit the trunk, then asphalt, that I remembered where I left my phone while unlocking the car door. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I met my father, who I hadn't seen since I was a baby, at Subway. He made me pay for his meal. FML

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By legit - United States

Today, I was singing Alicia Keys in the shower and hitting the insanely high notes. My father ran into the bathroom and threw open the shower door, screaming. He thought I was wailing in pain. FML

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By Alex Xavier

False Advertising

Today, after getting married recently and my wife making a ton of promises about "things" we'd do, she admitted she won't do any of them and said I should just accept that she lied. FML

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By Revalation - United States

Today, while riding the bus, a creepy guy gave me the "rape glare" and another guy repeated every word to the conversation I was having with my friend under his breath. FML

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By pooped - China

Today, I was walking to find a public toilet in a Chinese village. While looking for the women's restroom, I stepped on a thin sheet of plastic. I fell into the toilet's waste collection area and found myself knee-deep in the villagers' faeces. FML

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By Pissed - United States - Newton Center

Today, at a family reunion, we all squeezed in for a picture. I set the self-timer and ran to get in it. 2 seconds before the picture went off, some guy came up, stole the camera, and ran away. FML

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Top comments

By bartmasta | 0

#104582 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:31

stop being assholes this FML is better than 30% of the ones

TODAY A 3 YEAR OLD SAID IM FAT

TODAY I TRIPPED AND BROKE MY FINGERNAIL

TODAY I FAILED MY TEST

BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

By Eresbel | 0

#104570 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:13

What, did you expect your grandmother to do it? Cry me a river.

COMMENTS

By sebastian406 | 0

#104486 - Sunday 12 April 2009 12:46

This isn't really a FML.

Reply

DarkMatter115 | 13

#6211128 - Monday 23 February 2015 18:10

Of course it is! Why wouldn't it be? I'm around the same weight and I would have trouble pushing that car!

By blland | 0

#104493 - Sunday 12 April 2009 12:55

sounds picky to me.

i had to eat corn flakes today. fml. lame.
i had to go to school today. omg save us all.

By itsTiffany | 0

#104525 - Sunday 12 April 2009 13:34

NBD.

By Danika123 | 0

#104558 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:03

that sucks for you i guess

By FMLisright | 0

#104564 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:10

wow, call the wahmbulance and grow a pair

Reply

yankee805 | 0

#2413982 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 4:42

I agree

By Eresbel | 0

#104570 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:13

What, did you expect your grandmother to do it? Cry me a river.

Reply

Pauline96_fml | 20

#6213282 - Wednesday 25 February 2015 4:42

No, I think they expected the cop to help push the mini van

By PenguinBob | 0

#104573 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:17

I don't know how that got passed as an FML. I've monitored much better ones that were rejected

Reply

wackybulldog | 9

#5630400 - Friday 16 August 2013 17:12

Me too

By cprompt | 0

#104574 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:17

It's really not hard to push a car that's in neutral. As soon as it starts moving, it's easy.

By bartmasta | 0

#104582 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:31

stop being assholes this FML is better than 30% of the ones

TODAY A 3 YEAR OLD SAID IM FAT

TODAY I TRIPPED AND BROKE MY FINGERNAIL

TODAY I FAILED MY TEST

BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Reply

The_Unlucky1 | 19

#6571792 - Friday 1 April 2016 3:53

30%? That numbers quite low.

Reply

One_In_Three | 24

#6685688 - Thursday 8 September 2016 16:52

FML in a nutshell

By thisisnotmyname | 0

#104609 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:58

AAA. Get you some.