Today, I went with my grandma to pickup my uncle and cousins... - FML

By carpusher - 12/4/2009 02:51 - United States

Today, I went with my grandma to pickup my uncle and cousins from the airport. On our way there, the car died in the middle of the road. A police officer stopped to help us, he blocked the road while i pushed and my grandma steered. I had to push a minivan, I weigh 115 lbs. FML

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Dangling modifier

Higher standards

Minefield

By edulover - 1/1/2011 01:16 - United States

Today, my mom duly informed me I'm the reason people have middle fingers. FML

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By Sexless from Texas - 24/4/2015 11:38 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I learned that, when you ask your girlfriend "Do you think we're having sex too often?" she might interpret it as, "I don't think we should have sex ever again," and entirely stop talking to you. FML

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By enderw - 16/6/2009 17:22 - United States

Today, I picked up my 17 years old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulled over by a cop. He questioned us for a solicitation. I told the cop that she was my daughter but he said "so you are the daddy" and laughed. Good to know that my daughter looks like a ho and I a perv. FML

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By SOdamnNervous - 29/8/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on the importance of dental hygiene. I got really nervous, so I did what I've heard in movies. I pictured everyone naked, began staring at a hot blonde in the front, and got hard. FML

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By he's mine - 14/11/2012 07:46 - United Kingdom - Harpenden

Today, I found my sister's wedding book. Inside it was a list of potential grooms; she'd written down all of my ex-boyfriends. And my fiancé. We're getting married in three weeks. FML

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By just a reaction - 17/8/2020 23:09

This ain't working out

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a heated argument. He raised his hand like he was going to hit me. Having been hit by my ex before, I panicked and instinctively kicked his legs out from under him. He then dumped me because he said he was just gonna scare me, but I used real violence on him. FML

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By Lilypad - 12/3/2013 00:21 - France - Versailles

Today, I asked my boyfriend to give me a back rub. He claimed that he had a sore hand, so I retorted, "You have two hands, right?" Still bitter about not being able to have sex with me while I'm on my period, he shot back, "You have two holes, right?" I give up. FML

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By ... - 7/2/2014 20:30 - United States - Glen Carbon

Today, I told my professor that I'll be missing class next week due to upcoming surgery. I asked if I could take the exam that I'd otherwise miss another day. He said no, and that I'd just have to take a failing grade, then wished me luck with the surgery. FML

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By kinlin - 2/6/2018 19:00

Today, an attractive woman looked in my direction and smiled. My wife saw this and stomped on my foot, and I screamed like a little girl from the pain. People turned and stared. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2013 17:32 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. My dad was having a bad day and was rude from the outset, but things went to total hell when he started screaming that he'd "kill" our microwave if it didn't "shut the hell up". My girlfriend now thinks we're a family of abusive psychos. FML

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By gonebabygone - 27/8/2009 06:58 - United States

Today, I discovered that my parents rooted through our house looking for junk to sell at a garage sale. They sold all of my books from my bookshelf. When I freaked, out my mom said 'well you never read them'. There was about $300 hidden between the pages of those books. They made $60. FML

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By tailgaterhater - 17/8/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, a girl was tailgating me, even though I was going at speed limit. Annoyed, I drove 10 mph under the speed limit, and every time she honked, I went 5mph slower. Too bad she got the last laugh... I was pulled over for "reckless driving." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2011 17:02 - United States

Today, my mother dragged me into Victoria's Secret to get my opinion on some lingerie. Lingerie she'll be using to get into my dad's pants this evening. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2009 09:38 - United States

Today, I drove six hours with a friend to see one of her favorite bands in concert. We were turned away at the door because the online site didn't say we had to be 21 to enter. I drove six hours back with nothing to show for it but an empty gas tank and useless tickets. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2010 13:27 - Costa Rica

Today, I found out that my mom goes through my garbage. I'm 25 and don't live with her. FML

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By roomatewoes - 1/4/2013 00:45 - United States - Northfield

Today, I came back to my dorm to find my roommate forgot to get rid of her massive amounts of cheese before break. She did, however, remember to unplug the refrigerator. FML

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By MineAlwaysTouching - 27/4/2017 18:00

Today, while studying pictures of a cadaver for an anatomy class, I found myself jealous of its thigh gap. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2012 08:00 - United States - North Pole

Today, my husband and I stopped at a scenic overlook on top of a mountain. I looked down and noticed several small shells and excitedly called him over. I said, "I can't believe I found fossils here!" The moment it came out of my mouth, I realized they were pistachio shells. So did he. FML

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By Divorce? - 29/7/2017 00:30

Today, I came home and caught my husband in a compromising position. He was watching Twilight. FML

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By LeaveMeAlone - 6/4/2017 04:00

Creepy creep alert. Run!

Today, my manager "bumped" into me 3 or 4 separate times. I told him months ago I didn't want to date him. He even asked me once if I was ever afraid of being kidnapped. FML

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By ihatelaura - 15/5/2010 23:47 - United States

Today, I had to clean my boyfriend's puke off of our bed. Last night he ditched me to go out partying, came home, threw up, and passed out. He thinks it's only fair I clean up today because he's "not feeling well". FML

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By epicsandwichartist - 5/5/2011 07:13 - United States

Today, while working at a sandwich shop, we had a shortage and could only put so many veggies on one sandwich. I explained this to one man who was grumpy about it, but kept on ordering. I thought everything went well. He thought my face was a good target to launch his completed sandwich at. FML

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By Yeoman - 19/11/2011 07:47 - New Zealand

Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML

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By Nancy - 11/7/2010 23:00 - United States

Today, after being at summer camp for two weeks, my parents never showed up to take me home. A counselor had to drive me. FML

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By girlymae - 27/2/2013 07:59 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I was in bed when I rolled over and saw a hand right beside my head. I freaked out and nearly peed myself, just to realize that it was the huggable heart pillow my boyfriend had given to me on Valentine's Day. FML

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By MarMar - 15/3/2009 20:47 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met and in the middle of it his mother called him. After stopping to answer the phone, he tried to put me on with her because she didn't believe anyone would actually sleep with him. FML

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By Scaryman - 21/2/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, I was sitting down in a store when a stroller stopped by me. While the parents were fixing the strap, the baby looked at me, gasped, looked at me again, gasped, and then screamed. Ten minutes later, another baby looked at me and screamed. My face scares babies. FML

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By Dani - 12/1/2012 10:35 - Australia

Today, I happened to make eye contact with a stranger standing on a balcony of the apartment building across the train tracks from mine. He ran his finger across his neck like a knife and winked at me. I'm afraid to go out again. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2012 02:39 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I received my first payment of child support from my estranged husband: $50 and a note that said he wouldn't be paying any more. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2013 21:23 - United States - Burlington

Today, during a date, I discovered that if I cough with my mouth closed, snot will spray from my nose all over the place like some kind of mucus cannon. FML

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By Person in Alaska with a Ferret - 4/3/2011 20:42 - United States

Today, I found out that my ferret, which my parents had told me ran away a few years ago, was actually given to my cousin while I was at a friend's house. My parents didn't want to deal with him anymore and gave him away for free. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2015 04:39 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, I realized I apologize too often as I said I was sorry to my boyfriend as he broke up with me. I apologized for being sad and making him feel bad. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2010 20:53 - United States

Today, I started biting my nails, before I realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands after taking a massive dump. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 12:00

Today, while volunteering at my local library, a guy who smelled like crap followed me around all day. Every time I would bend over to shelf a book, he would start grunting. Apparently, he's going to be at the library every day. FML

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By Casey - 11/6/2009 12:59 - France

Today, I took a test as part of a job requirement. I took a sip from a bottle of juice, and the lady leading the test gave me a warning. I tried to explain that if I didn't, I would faint. She took the bottle and hid it. 15 minutes later I collapsed. She thought I was faking. I'm hypoglycemic. FML

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By JealousBratMuch - 26/7/2013 00:51 - Canada - High River

Today, my eldest daughter has 'officially' removed herself from our family and will no longer communicate with any of us. Apparently it's my fault that her younger sister is having a baby before her, and she can't be part of a family that 'treats her so unfairly'. FML

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By Holly Jolly - 26/12/2011 06:33 - United States

Today, I spent the day crying, and ate McDonald's for my Christmas dinner. FML

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By lauziej93 - 10/11/2015 09:24 - Spain - Logro?o

Today, my mother-in-law became my boss. FML

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By fufu_mutt - 15/12/2010 04:24 - United States

Today, I was driving with my dog. Looking out the half-open window he stepped on the switch, the window went up, causing his head to get stuck. I looked down and he had scared the shit out of himself, all over my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, as part of the treatment for my bulimia, my doctor informed me that I will not be allowed to go to the bathroom unsupervised. Meaning there will have to be another person in the bathroom with me at all times. I have a nervous bladder. I couldn't go if I wanted to. FML

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Top comments

By bartmasta | 0

#104582 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:31

stop being assholes this FML is better than 30% of the ones

TODAY A 3 YEAR OLD SAID IM FAT

TODAY I TRIPPED AND BROKE MY FINGERNAIL

TODAY I FAILED MY TEST

BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

By Eresbel | 0

#104570 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:13

What, did you expect your grandmother to do it? Cry me a river.

COMMENTS

By sebastian406 | 0

#104486 - Sunday 12 April 2009 12:46

This isn't really a FML.

Reply

DarkMatter115 | 13

#6211128 - Monday 23 February 2015 18:10

Of course it is! Why wouldn't it be? I'm around the same weight and I would have trouble pushing that car!

By blland | 0

#104493 - Sunday 12 April 2009 12:55

sounds picky to me.

i had to eat corn flakes today. fml. lame.
i had to go to school today. omg save us all.

By itsTiffany | 0

#104525 - Sunday 12 April 2009 13:34

NBD.

By Danika123 | 0

#104558 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:03

that sucks for you i guess

By FMLisright | 0

#104564 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:10

wow, call the wahmbulance and grow a pair

Reply

yankee805 | 0

#2413982 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 4:42

I agree

By Eresbel | 0

#104570 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:13

What, did you expect your grandmother to do it? Cry me a river.

Reply

Pauline96_fml | 20

#6213282 - Wednesday 25 February 2015 4:42

No, I think they expected the cop to help push the mini van

By PenguinBob | 0

#104573 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:17

I don't know how that got passed as an FML. I've monitored much better ones that were rejected

Reply

wackybulldog | 9

#5630400 - Friday 16 August 2013 17:12

Me too

By cprompt | 0

#104574 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:17

It's really not hard to push a car that's in neutral. As soon as it starts moving, it's easy.

By bartmasta | 0

#104582 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:31

stop being assholes this FML is better than 30% of the ones

TODAY A 3 YEAR OLD SAID IM FAT

TODAY I TRIPPED AND BROKE MY FINGERNAIL

TODAY I FAILED MY TEST

BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Reply

The_Unlucky1 | 19

#6571792 - Friday 1 April 2016 3:53

30%? That numbers quite low.

Reply

One_In_Three | 24

#6685688 - Thursday 8 September 2016 16:52

FML in a nutshell

By thisisnotmyname | 0

#104609 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:58

AAA. Get you some.