Transportation: Today, I went with my grandma to pickup my uncle and cousins... - FML

By carpusher - United States

Today, I went with my grandma to pickup my uncle and cousins from the airport. On our way there, the car died in the middle of the road. A police officer stopped to help us, he blocked the road while i pushed and my grandma steered. I had to push a minivan, I weigh 115 lbs. FML

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Late term

Scoville scale

Give me my drugs!

By phansmootchie - United States

Today, I lost my keys. My roommate locked me out, then yelled at me when I made her come home to let me in. I tore my room apart searching for them, and even went out to search my locker room. When I got home, I glanced at my wall only to find my keys hanging on the hook I set up specifically for them. FML

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By RC3Welly - United States

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

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By asshole - United States

Today, I sat to the right of a girl I really like. I passed her a note asking her to homecoming. She read it, then hurriedly passed it to a hideous girl sitting on her left, who said yes, then hugged me. FML

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By KtSue - United States

Today, my mom has officially lost 100 pounds due to a lap-band surgery. After sharing her excitement, she also shared her troubles. She said, "Everything hangs now, even my cooter. Can they fix that?" Thank you for the mental image, mom. FML

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By why me? - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I came home from a long day from work, only to find a strange woman in my apartment. She explained that my roommate told her it was OK to spend a few days here. I guess he forgot that the room was mine. FML

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By Anonymous

Missing the point 101

Today, I told my mom I lost 30 pounds because of an eating disorder. She told me to keep up the good work. FML

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By lukey101 - 11/2/2021 14:01 - Australia

Most likely

Today, I had my half-year performance review. My boss arrived 15 minutes late, paid basically no attention to my presentation, and left 30 minutes early. I guess I’ll go fuck myself then. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I introduced my new boyfriend to my parents. Everyone knows he's into the emo scene, but this didn't stop my dad from slowly looking him up and down, then saying, completely deadpan, "You never told us you were a lesbian, honey." FML

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By ANON - United States - Littleton

Today, I went straight from work to a blind date, and I decided to change in my car at the parking lot. Someone pulled up next to me as I had my ass to the window. It was my date. FML

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By khfhjfsb - United States - Downers Grove

Today, the guy I was sexting asked me to stop including my face in the pictures. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up at 7, got to college by 7:40 to receive an email that my 8:00 a.m. class got cancelled. I stayed there until 12:00 p.m. for my second class, to then find out that the cancelled class was the one at 12:00, not 8:00. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2021 22:00

Make your mind up

Today, my ex was talking about getting back together. I say I’d be willing to talk and ask him to explain what he wants from me, to see if there’s any common ground, but he replied, "I just mention something and you immediately attack me with this emo crap! I already regret even thinking about it!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while making love to my boyfriend, my sister called my cell phone. Not wanting to face the consequences of not answering, I had a long conversation with her. My boyfriend kept going. FML

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By WrongPlaceWrongTime - France

Today, my girlfriend came to my workplace to tell me she was breaking up with me. My boss, who was passing by, fired me for "chatting with friends" during work hours. FML

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By Z - Australia

Today, I played paintball with a bunch of friends. By the end of the day, my girlfriend and I were the only people left on the field. She shot me mercilessly, and I screamed like a little girl. 30 people watched, 4 people filmed. FML

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By apparently-a-shed - United Kingdom - Worcester

Today, I was walking through my town when a man on a bicycle rolled up to me and said, "I don't mean this offensively but you're really well-built." I don't know whether he was commenting on my height or comparing me to a shed, but my mother won't stop laughing. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I found out that the fat sweaty guy at my job frequently uses my rub-on deodorant and puts it back in my drawer after he's done. FML

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By bobuhbeartoe - United States

Today, while showering, I finished off the shampoo bottle. I decided to see if I could shoot it into the trash can over the shower curtain. When I heard the successful "thunk", I got so excited I slipped and cracked my head open. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I spent $500 buying my lost cat back from a jerk who thought it was his. I get home and my mom tells me that she'd sold it to the same guy for $10 because she thought the cat was ruining my love life. FML

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By maxkeyftw - United States - Clovis

Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity fixed for the first time. The dentist showed me the drill and other tools, and referred to them as things like "Mr. Bumpy Brush". I'm 15. She thought I was "special". FML

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By Mandy - United States - Tampa

Today, I got in trouble for going to work sick. Yesterday, I got in trouble for not going to work while sick. FML

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By privatebathroomneeded - United States - San Francisco

Today, I needed to take a dump at school. As soon as I sat down, somebody else walked in. I'm extremely poop-shy, so I was forced to wait for several minutes while they styled their hair and applied makeup. After they left, I breathed a sigh of relief. Then someone else walked in. FML

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By caswell 1 - United States

Today, I was at the school's rec center, working out for the first time in a while. While there, there was this very mysteriously attractive girl who kept shooting me glances. I asked for her number and she responded by saying "if you can lift this same weight as me". I couldn't. FML

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By kk - United States

Today, the man next to me was feeding the birds when he ran out of food. We were at Adventure Island and there were "Do not feed the birds" signs everywhere. The birds then became aggressive and started savaging the both of us. FML

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By broken - Saudi Arabia

Today, my family and I were just about to leave the house for the vacation that I had been saving up for 3 years. I was coming down the stairs with a heavy suitcase and I tripped and fell breaking my leg, now my family's gone without me while I'm in hospital. I paid for the vacation. FML

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By Messiahman - United States

Today, I was playing twister with my girlfriend at the school carnival. I jokingly squeeze her butt, only to find her mom standing right above us. FML

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By Anonymous - India - Vijayawada

Today, it's my roommate's birthday. His friends were planning on a surprise birthday cake at midnight last night, and one of them told me about it, hoping to split the expense between us, which I was totally cool with. But I fell asleep before midnight and they didn't even bother to wake me up. FML

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By ThatWasntFun - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I went to have a pre-cancerous mole removed off of my nose. When the doctor numbed my nose, she didn't check to see if the anesthetic actually worked, and began hacking away at my nose, leaving me to feel every last flick of the razor. Turns out I have an immunity to that anesthetic. FML

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By PhailedMidterm - United States - Mattapan

Today, I was at the library doing research for my midterm. All of the computers were in use, so I decided to use my laptop instead. Ten minutes later, I was confronted and kicked out. My offense? Unauthorized use of the library's so-called "Free Public WiFi". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, workers came to my house to fix residual moisture damage in my walls left behind by Hurricane Irma. Said workers then burst a water pipe and flooded my entire apartment in the time it took figure out how to turn it off. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was woken by the news that my car had been found, but was completely destroyed due to a fire. I didn't even know my car was missing. FML

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By HeadStillHurts

Today, I tried to impress a group of friends by jumping a set of stairs on my skateboard. I didn't realize the ceiling dropped down towards the bottom of the stairs and knocked myself out. FML

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By of course

Today, I woke up at 2 a.m. needing a drink. Not only did my cat wake everyone up when I tripped over him, but I also spilled a whole gallon of milk on myself. FML

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By jeremyj - United States

Today, is the third day since I opened my small coffee shop. My parents had given me a nice frame to put my first dollar from working in. I had to sneak in a dollar from my own wallet so they wouldn't know how bad business was when they came to visit. FML

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By stardustveins - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was waiting in the McDonald's drive-thru and listening to some music. I was tapping my non-driving foot to the song when I accidentally tapped the wrong foot and rear ended the cop car in front of me. Whoops. FML

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By familydisaster - United States

OK Shaggy

Today, I was fired from my job at a local family-ran restaurant. The Reason? The owner's daughter has been stealing money from the register little by little and has blamed me for all the lost money. The boss is still convinced it's me, though, because his daughter would "never tell a lie". FML

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By JackG - United States

Today, while at McDonald's, I saw an 8 year old girl licking a life-size Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench. Being concerned, I told her mother who then yelled at me for 10 minutes for being a "paedophile" and "being turned on by an 8 year old girl." FML

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By SFra - United States

Today, I went to the Natural History Museum with my boyfriend. While we were standing in front of real dinosaur bones, he told me he didn't believe in dinosaurs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, at a family reunion, my grandpa loudly said that I look like "a cheap Vegas whore" because of my heavy purple eye-shadow. I could tell that a few other people agreed. I was too embarrassed to explain that the "eye-shadow" was just dark circles. FML

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By GlueAndCarrots - Canada - Markham

Today, I told my daughter that we're going to the beach. Today, my daughter also tried to dig up our deceased dog that we buried in our back yard last week so it can come along. FML

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Top comments

By bartmasta | 0

#104582 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:31

stop being assholes this FML is better than 30% of the ones

TODAY A 3 YEAR OLD SAID IM FAT

TODAY I TRIPPED AND BROKE MY FINGERNAIL

TODAY I FAILED MY TEST

BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

By Eresbel | 0

#104570 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:13

What, did you expect your grandmother to do it? Cry me a river.

COMMENTS

By sebastian406 | 0

#104486 - Sunday 12 April 2009 12:46

This isn't really a FML.

Reply

DarkMatter115 | 13

#6211128 - Monday 23 February 2015 18:10

Of course it is! Why wouldn't it be? I'm around the same weight and I would have trouble pushing that car!

By blland | 0

#104493 - Sunday 12 April 2009 12:55

sounds picky to me.

i had to eat corn flakes today. fml. lame.
i had to go to school today. omg save us all.

By itsTiffany | 0

#104525 - Sunday 12 April 2009 13:34

NBD.

By Danika123 | 0

#104558 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:03

that sucks for you i guess

By FMLisright | 0

#104564 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:10

wow, call the wahmbulance and grow a pair

Reply

yankee805 | 0

#2413982 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 4:42

I agree

By Eresbel | 0

#104570 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:13

What, did you expect your grandmother to do it? Cry me a river.

Reply

Pauline96_fml | 20

#6213282 - Wednesday 25 February 2015 4:42

No, I think they expected the cop to help push the mini van

By PenguinBob | 0

#104573 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:17

I don't know how that got passed as an FML. I've monitored much better ones that were rejected

Reply

wackybulldog | 9

#5630400 - Friday 16 August 2013 17:12

Me too

By cprompt | 0

#104574 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:17

It's really not hard to push a car that's in neutral. As soon as it starts moving, it's easy.

By bartmasta | 0

#104582 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:31

stop being assholes this FML is better than 30% of the ones

TODAY A 3 YEAR OLD SAID IM FAT

TODAY I TRIPPED AND BROKE MY FINGERNAIL

TODAY I FAILED MY TEST

BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Reply

The_Unlucky1 | 19

#6571792 - Friday 1 April 2016 3:53

30%? That numbers quite low.

Reply

One_In_Three | 24

#6685688 - Thursday 8 September 2016 16:52

FML in a nutshell

By thisisnotmyname | 0

#104609 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:58

AAA. Get you some.