Health: Today, I helped my dad push our broken-down truck from the driveway...

By crippled - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I helped my dad push our broken-down truck from the driveway onto the tire ramp. Truck didn't make it; neither did my leg. FML

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Health

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Fish and chips is life

I'll get right on it, chief

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was at work at a nursing home I was attempting to dress a woman for bed. She popped me a left hook and I had to ask the nurse to look at my jaw. After my nurse said I was okay she asked me to continue getting the woman dressed for bed. She hit me 5 more times. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I talked to my dad about joining the military. He got up, laughed, and said, "As if the army would accept a pussy like you." FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was at a comedy club, and the girl behind me was drinking. Before she swallowed it, the comedian said something funny, making her spit it all in my hair. I had just had it done for my sister's wedding tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk to the girl I like. After awkwardly saying hi, I manage to work up a nice conversation with her. I thought everything was going well, until I got home and realized that she had stolen money out of my wallet. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, the girl that I have been secretly madly in love with for 6 years told me "fuck off and stop doing nice things for me." FML

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By natrat222 - United States - Mesa

Break up

Today, I decided to eat a whole tub of blueberries before seeing a guy I've been hooked up with for a year and a half. While giving a blow job, I ended throwing up the blueberries right before he came. He left immediately, deleted me on Snapchat and told me I need to get checked out. FML

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By hobbit - United States - Winthrop

Today, I decided to treat myself to a pedicure ahead of my cousin's wedding. The woman doing my nails asked if I wanted my toe hairs trimmed. I was so taken aback and embarrassed that I said yes. They charged me extra. FML

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By Messiahman - United States

Today, I was playing twister with my girlfriend at the school carnival. I jokingly squeeze her butt, only to find her mom standing right above us. FML

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By adeeri - United States - Jackson

Today, a little kid accidentally ran into me at the pool. He apologized by biting my leg. FML

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By painful - Norway

Today, I was stuck in the car with my grandma for an hour as she described to me how she had looked through my great grandma's poop to make sure her calcium pills were being digested. FML

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By -___- - United States - Winfield

Today, I sent my boyfriend a text asking him to come over a little later and have some "fun" with me. He texted back, "WTF babe? Breaking Bad's on tonight. You got a dildo, fucking use it." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend was sick for the fourth day in a row. I stopped by her house to check on her and bring some necessities, only to find her ex's truck in the driveway, and the sounds of some very intense love making coming from inside. I guess she's not that sick after all. FML

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By mc - France

Today, my mother bought me some "biodegradable" tissues. Indeed, they melted… in my hand. FML

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21746

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, my husband of 3 weeks told me he doesn't want to be married anymore because I suggested getting a joint bank account. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking dogs for the animal hospital I work for. I accidentally dropped the leash, and in my haste to retrieve it, I frantically grabbed the ground. I got the leash, and a handful of fresh dog poo emitted from the dog I was walking. FML

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By markyvilla - United States

Today, I got dressed up for the first time in days to go have sushi with a friend. When I walked out to my car, I noticed that the passenger window was shattered and the car robbed. What's worse is I'd forgotten to lock the side doors anyway. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, while babysitting, I made the kids and myself peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. When their parents came home, their dad took out the same container of peanut butter I had used and let their dog lick out of it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while I was looking for an apartment for my boyfriend and myself, he asked me how would I feel about his mom moving in together with us. FML

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By :( - United States - Hilton Head Island

Today, we started our 17 hour drive to Michigan for spring break. My mom decided to go to Target to buy some music CDs. All she bought was three Nicki Minaj CDs. She has already replayed the first CD four times. 14 hours to go. FML

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By missingphoneproblems - United States - Warner Robins

Today, after being upset at the fact that my phone was stolen at work, I received a note on my locker saying, "100 bucks and you get the phone back." My phone is being held for ransom. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 14:00

Artistic licence

Today, after spending at least 4 hours drawing a realistic shadow of a vampire for a picture contest, I finally remembered that vampires aren't supposed to produce shadows. FML

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By plzstop - United States - West Lafayette

Today, I'm a college student. Just like every other goddamn day, my roommate set about twenty alarms a good two hours before she even needs to get up. She just sleeps through the first hour or so of alarms while I wake up. I've been waking up at 6 a.m., even though my first classes are at 9. FML.

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML

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By zanaruka - 19/5/2020 05:00

The customer is always an ass

Today, an angry customer rubbed her hand all over my face, all while showing me her positive COVID-19 test results. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a friend of mine came to my house with tears in her eyes. I thought she was finally single so I could ask her out. Actually, her mother found out she was dating a girl, so she wants me to be her fake boyfriend as a cover-up. At least we're "dating" now. FML

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By DezyCoCo - United States - Penfield

Today, I spent 2 hours organizing all of my coupons, just to leave out my room for 10 seconds to come back to my 2-year-old crumbling them up and ripping them. FML

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By college kid - United States

Today, I found out that the day I moved out of my parents' house, they invited my whole family over and had a party to celebrate the fact that I was gone. FML

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By Ashamed - United States - Somerville

Today, I blurted out something like "humdidumdum erm lalala" in public, attracting mystified stares. The thing is, I do this every time I remember something embarrassing I've said or done in the past, in an attempt to erase it out of my consciousness. So it happens a lot. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, while on vacation, I realized my parents and grandparents had been running off and doing quite a few errands lately. After doing some sleuthing, I discovered they were taking turns having blood-curdling sex in our other hotel room down the hall. FML

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By :^( - Bahrain - Isa Town

Today, a lady told me that I should sue whoever screwed up my "nose job" so badly. This is the nose I was born with. FML

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44091

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By Michelle - United States

Today, I woke up feeling extremely nauseous. When I started to feel better, I felt like I needed to spit. I went into the bathroom and opened the toilet to see someone had taken a giant crap the night before and forgotten to flush. The smell made me vomit all over my feet. FML

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By parched - United States

Today, the city shut off the water at my house because my roommate thought that the water bills he had been hoarding were "suggestions." FML

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By like - United States

Today, I decided it would be pretty amusing to press the "Like" button on everyone's status on Facebook without reading them just to get on peoples' nerves. After re-reading them later, I found out one of them said "I MISS YOU SOO MUCH GRANDMOM. RIP". I liked that her grandmother died. FML

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By Albert - United States - Dover

Today, I went to see my orthodontist. He informed me that I have an underbite and I will probably need braces again. I just had them taken off last year, after five and a half years of oral hell. FML

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26415

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By kirrby - United States

Today, I tried to break up with my girlfriend because I feel unappreciated. She fell asleep while I was attempting this. FML

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35855

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By asshole - 29/4/2020 20:00

Fashion Police

Today, I called a company to see why the dress I’d ordered for my best friend hadn’t been delivered. After doing some digging and ruining the surprise, it turns out it had been. Her boyfriend opened the package, deemed the dress "too slutty" and threw it out. He refuses to pay me back. FML

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2289

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By Lonely_Army - Qatar

Today, I realised that I've been deployed for far too long, when I caught myself looking down the cleavage of a mannequin wearing a bathing suit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Macungie

Today, a homeless man asked me for some money to eat. He ate the five dollars I gave him. FML

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30870

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By ImprovTeacher

Today, I was teaching a small group of improv students. I asked one guy to do a monologue, and laughed to myself while he did so. I said, "Sorry, I'm just laughing at the way you're doing it." He then got upset and pointed out that he had a speech impediment. FML

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By Iabnysmwytm - 29/7/2020 14:01

Yeah, that's the same

Today, we were talking about discrimination. I shared my story of being denied housing and a job offer because I'm trans. Some idiot tried to compare it to the time he was denied a car loan due to not having credit history. FML

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Top comments

By badblaby | 8

#6001941 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:24

Did you lose it or break it?

By beaverteaser | 16

#6001960 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:30

time to go to ihop

COMMENTS

By superwolf33 | 15

#6001938 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:24

Man that sucks

Godsofdracos | 15

#6001940 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:24

Man, I thought it sounded awesome...

CupcakeJuice | 10

#6001943 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:25

So much you could have said, being the first comment, and you say that?

loooloool | 13

#6001949 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:27

How does that sound awesome?

kelsorg | 21

#6002003 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 20:00

I'm assuming that was sarcasm...

Strider207 | 5

#6002045 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 21:05

No shit Sherlock

zZLightZz | 13

#6002354 - Wednesday 9 July 2014 1:14

im so confused. it this a good thing or a bad thing?

FiFiLovee | 26

#6003311 - Wednesday 9 July 2014 21:25

This needs a followup. I'm curious as to what happened to OP's leg.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6005052 - Friday 11 July 2014 19:10

Read OP's username.

By badblaby | 8

#6001941 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:24

Did you lose it or break it?

Random4Dayz | 19

#6001948 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:27

I think he lost it..where'd it go op?

cakefete2 | 30

#6001968 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:31

It called "shotgun".

gjikvtj | 18

#6002026 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 20:31

If the leg took shotgun, who's driving?

moo_and_bloo | 10

#6002241 - Wednesday 9 July 2014 0:25

Yo mama

SpreadTHEKILLER | 14

#6002497 - Wednesday 9 July 2014 3:43

#58 Leave. Now.

Snarky_Chick | 7

#6003642 - Thursday 10 July 2014 7:02

Kudos @65

TheAtheistChild | 10

#6006548 - Sunday 13 July 2014 10:19

#35 gravity was driving and velocity was in the back.

By JellyBalls | 18

#6001942 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:25

At least you tired

LifeAlertTwerk | 14

#6001953 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:29

I'd certainly be "tired" after pushing a truck for a long distance! Furthermore, I'm sure a leg injury didn't wake OP up that much.

TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6001976 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:36

He was trying to make a pun, not a spelling mistake

AllStache | 11

#6002046 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 21:06

#11 was also making a pun.

badluckalex | 23

#6002056 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 21:21

lay off the acid 26...

the_real_aquaman | 5

#6002109 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 22:37

At least he has a dad to "lean" on

By taywuzhere | 11

#6001946 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:27

Ouch.

By njgohard | 16

#6001947 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:27

Is the leg just broken or did it get something worse?

Tthug | 34

#6001958 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:29

That's what I'm wondering. Sounds like the truck took off with his leg somewhere...

rocker_chick105 | 31

#6002007 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 20:04

Maybe they were meant for each other!

RedPillSucks | 31

#6002065 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 21:35

Maybe he had an artificial leg left in the truck

JJ_86 | 22

#6002152 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 23:08

Yea right, OP left his artificial leg in the truck before pushing it to ramp, on one leg

NeatNit | 32

#6002207 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 23:46

#49 I'm glad we've reached a consensus.

GentlemanBastard | 15

#6002436 - Wednesday 9 July 2014 2:49

49, I know you were being sarcastic, but I just laughed my ass off picturing a one-legged man pushing a truck. So thank you for that.

By nattlecakes | 19

#6001950 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:28

Ouch!

njgohard | 16

#6001957 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:29

No shit.

nattlecakes | 19

#6001974 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:35

No need to be rude, sir

By iAlissa | 34

#6001955 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:29

Broken limbs suck, especially legs. Feel better!

By beaverteaser | 16

#6001960 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:30

time to go to ihop

By ThomasBombadil | 31

#6001961 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:30

Isn't this a country song?

By hzxrd | 7

#6001962 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 19:30

Well you win some you lose some