Today, I went to the new Walmart to buy a space heater. After... - FML

By Bellucy27 - 27/10/2010 03:00 - United States

Today, I went to the new Walmart to buy a space heater. After dodging cones in the parking lot, and trying to open several doors while employees looked on, I checked the sign, which said "24 hours." I then realized is stated that the grand opening is tomorrow. I'm now sitting in my apartment shivering. FML

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Serious times

Incognito browsing

Race against the clock

By Rob - 6/6/2012 16:02 - United States - Neoga

Today, after having sex with my girlfriend, I jokingly held the condom above my mouth. Somehow, the condom busted, and everything went over my face. Worse still, we're now wondering just how safe this condom really was. FML

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By habbsrule - 15/6/2012 14:21 - Canada

Today, I was joking around with my eight-year-old son. I told him to pull my finger. I farted, then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger, he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML

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By screwed - 8/2/2012 01:40 - United States

Today, my dad finally met my girlfriend. Unfortunately, he was driving the ambulance that she was in, due to severe alcohol poisoning and was on the way to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. FML

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By pissed off mother - 5/5/2016 17:55 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I was out shopping with my son and unbeknownst to me, he had secretly added a bunch of expensive games he wanted to the trolley. I was too embarrassed at the till to make a fuss as there was a huge line behind me. I watched as my normal £50 shopping bill climbed to over £400. FML

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By nerdygirl101 - 13/3/2010 05:27 - United States

Today, I woke up in pajamas I have never seen before. Usually, I sleep naked, and I live alone in a locked apartment. Then, the elderly woman next door asked for her nightgown back. Apparently, I sleep-walked and knocked on all the doors in my hallway repeatedly. I'm moving. FML

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By unboned - 11/5/2016 17:30 - United States - Katy

Fetishes come in all sizes

Today, my boyfriend got a raging boner while looking around at a gun store. He hasn't had any sexual interest in me in months. FML

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By kaylashay2k13 - 17/5/2016 14:18 - United States - Mission

Today, my boyfriend was trying to tackle me to the bed when we heard a loud pop. The pop turned out to be him breaking my pinky finger. FML

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By wowgranny - 22/12/2016 20:08 - United States - Tooele

Today, my grandma told me that I'm starting to look like my sister. I jokingly replied, "Uh-oh I'm in trouble then." She gave me a very disapproving look and said, "You should be happy. She's beautiful, unlike you." FML

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By BroadwayBaby1997 - 17/9/2016 15:26 - United States - Mission

Today, I've had more crushes on fictional characters than actual people. FML

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By wasteoftime - 7/6/2017 20:00

Today, I went to a job interview. I never applied for the job, they'd sought me out, had a phone interview, and sent samples, all before the face-to-face interview. Turns out none of the people I met with had even read my resume or writing samples. I was told I might not be a good fit. FML

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By Phill1188 - 16/9/2018 03:30

Today, I got locked in an old woman's garage for an hour when she forgot I was looking at the car for sale. When I got home, I told my mom and jokingly said, "First time I have been kidnapped!" Without hesitation she said, "Well, that makes it the 3rd time." I had no idea. FML

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By Oliver Beck - 17/10/2020 08:03

Time just flies by

Today, I found out the girl I like is in love with someone else. Five weeks ago, she told me she's never been in love. FML

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By givingup - 30/1/2012 05:37 - United States

Today, I was left at the altar. For the second time. By the same man. FML

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By jamjamy - 26/12/2008 04:53 - France

Today, at work as an optician, I gave a little girl a new pair of glasses and asked her if she could see well with them. She replied, "Oh yes, you have two big spots on your nose!" FML

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By creepster - 11/2/2010 01:39 - Canada

Today, I was hit on by an older man. I rolled my eyes at him and informed him I was 16, hoping that would get him to leave me alone. He shrugged and said, "We're both human." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2019 22:00

And now, on Judge Judy

Today, I found out my roommates spent my rent money and told the landlord I never paid. I've paid my rent and theirs the past 6 months. My name's on the lease. FML

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By Username - 5/11/2010 22:02 - France

Today, I was reading to a child during nap time because she woke up crying. She calmed down right after I began reading, but soon started crying again. I was confused until I felt something warm and wet on my leg. She peed on me. FML

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By Nosexytime - 14/1/2010 15:56 - United States

Today, for my boyfriends 21st birthday, I wore sexy lingerie, put on a naughty librarian outfit and did a strip tease for him. He just laughed. FML

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By boundandgagged - 13/1/2010 19:36 - United States

Today, my brother and his friend ambushed me, tied me to a chair, and put a sock in my mouth. My mom found me 10 minutes later, took the sock out, and asked, "Why are you tied to a chair?" I told her what happened. She looked at me, laughed, stuffed the sock back in my mouth, and left. FML

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By Pauper - 11/1/2010 07:20 - United States

Today, I talked myself out of buying $1 candle at the Dollar Tree. That's how broke I am. FML

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By ithinkicanmakeit - 20/8/2014 17:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I'm getting married. I have a big poofy white dress and, oh yes, the shits. Here's hoping I can make it down the aisle without rushing off to the toilet. FML

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By reesemaster - 23/11/2010 00:18 - United States

Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, "what were you reaching for?" FML

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By Tuffgunsmoke - 4/2/2010 07:22 - France

Today, I was at the gym and saw an old friend. I have put on a lot of muscle in the past few months, and she said to me "Wow, you've really gotten big." Just by habit I said "You too." Turns out she's gained 45 lbs since I'd last seen her. Oops. FML

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By booearns - 17/4/2012 03:47 - United States

Today, I visited my doctor upon coming home from University. I found out that I'm severely allergic to our pet bunny, which has resulted in a rash taking over my body. She suggested that we get rid of the bunny. I told my mom. She told me to come home less often. FML

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By youmakemesick - 12/11/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 4 years. Her response? First, she threw up all over me and then she started crying hysterically. I'll take that as a no. FML

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By ajdown - 17/6/2011 20:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I have an eight hour transatlantic flight and the person sitting next to me has already filled his third sick bag. This wouldn't be quite so bad were we not still at the terminal with passengers still boarding the plane. FML

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By Depressed - 8/3/2009 21:58 - United States

Today, I called up the boy I like to ask him on a date. He said "Haha, thats a pretty good impression Chris. Next time pick someone less ugly and maybe I'd think this is real." He thought I was his friend prank calling him. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2015 16:59 - India - New Delhi

Today, at a party I got blind drunk and I gave a guy a blowjob for the first time. I'm a 100% heterosexual male. FML

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By oneillrox - 3/11/2011 20:06 - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet for an x-ray. They found three dollar coins in his stomach. The surgery to remove them is $600. FML

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By motherlylove - 8/7/2018 15:00

Today, my mother-in-law screamed at the top of her lungs in front of our friends and family that I was stealing her baby away from her. I'd only suggested we go home because he had a migraine. Her baby is 24 years old and has been married to me for a year. FML

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By Breezie - 14/10/2019 20:00 - United States

Hi Zach!

Today, at work, a customer commented that I look like Zach Galifianakis. I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2012 03:30 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Afterwards, he said he was in love with me and that he wants to be with me forever. It was also at this time I realised that I can't stand him. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2012 10:24 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I said to my boyfriend that he makes the same noises when he smells bacon as he does when we have sex. Now everytime we have sex, he whispers "Bacon..." in my ear. FML

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By Baskets-Tailleur - 7/7/2014 06:58 - France

Today, as I was putting on sports shoes to get to a job interview in a hurry, a man ran past me and grabbed my formal shoes while shouting, "Ninja!" Try explaining to the guy at the interview why I was wearing sneakers with a skirt suit. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 05:23 - Canada

Today, seeing Ozzy Osbourne live for the first time, I was trying to get the perfect photo of the entire band on stage. That is, until a sudden burst of pyrotechnics startled me, and I gave myself a black eye from the camera hitting me in the face. FML

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By LightsOut - 3/5/2011 17:58 - United States

Today, I finished working a 70 hour work week. I'm a lineman for the electric company, and worked extended hours all week getting people's lights back on after a wind storm. When I got home, my power was out. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2013 06:06 - Canada - Guelph

Today, a woman started giving me grief because we didn't have any Boxing Day sales. As I explained to her that dollar stores don't usually have sales, she tried to lamp me. It ended by her getting dragged out of the store. FML

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By whoknows?! - 5/2/2010 21:18 - France

Today, I decided to change my boyfriend's background on his phone. As I was in the process of changing it, I noticed his most recent picture is of a naked girl. The naked girl happens to be my 18 year old sister. FML

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By DrtySnchez - 18/8/2013 09:37 - United States - Statham

Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old standing over me with a pillow. I asked him what he was doing, and he replied that he and Steve were playing a game, but Steve said I have to be asleep for it. Steve is my son's imaginary friend. I'm convinced Steve wants to kill me. FML

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By loser - 17/2/2009 23:33 - United States

Today, in front of the entire family, I yelled at my mom and told her she wasn't a good parent. She responded with "Well, at least I had friends when I was your age." FML

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Top comments

By friday170 | 0

#1609845 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 9:18

go to another store like target or something

By cono1717 | 0

#1609800 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 9:13

think of the fun you'll have tomorrow though

COMMENTS

By Wizardroxx | 3

#1609796 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 9:13

:(

Reply

Wizardroxx | 3

#1609814 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 9:14

Damn iTouch...
Anyways, nobody told you to rush! You can always get it tomorrow.

Reply

yuggi1 | 11

#1609956 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 9:41

...But OP will freeze in the meantime :[

Reply

f4everenergy | 0

#1609967 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 9:43

poor op :(

Reply

stephanie0613 | 0

#1610028 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 10:02

Awww FYL for the meantime Op.

Reply

jewban | 3

#1610208 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 11:17

just get a shit load of blankets or if u set your apartment on fire I'm sure you'll be warm then lol

Reply

zakkyzebra | 11

#1610835 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 13:58

or dead XD

Reply

blankaex | 0

#1611302 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 16:26

You could always stand in front of your open freezer.

Reply

kofinater | 3

#1612605 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 21:49

Is walmart the only place you are able to buy space heaters?

Reply

tj79 | 3

#1613411 - Thursday 28 October 2010 1:34

here is a great idea; go to another store. there are other stores other than walmart.

Reply

tj79 | 3

#1613423 - Thursday 28 October 2010 1:37

8 you could warm op up or wait warm me up... :)

Reply

ArentICute | 0

#2927486 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 5:35

Wouldn't you notice no cars in the parking lot? I mean, since when is Walmart ever empty...

By cono1717 | 0

#1609800 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 9:13

think of the fun you'll have tomorrow though

By vbrandon55 | 3

#1609811 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 9:14

@cono1717 haha owned! Lol

By windergirl6 | 0

#1609821 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 9:15

sad. :(

By luis01 | 0

#1609823 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 9:16

lol this people

Reply

connorfinch | 0

#1614933 - Thursday 28 October 2010 7:31

still makin no sense

By marinus_fml | 19

#1609826 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 9:16

Do some jogging on the spot, pushups and sit-ups! will warm you up quick enough!

Reply

Selena_is_back | 7

#1610276 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 12:00

lol speak for yourself, hahaha you don't need them.

Reply

ripjohnlennon | 5

#1611060 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 14:39

58-it's called sarcasm dude

Reply

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1612602 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 21:48

Lol at explaining sarcasm to oc.

Reply

alaskanbrat | 0

#1616448 - Thursday 28 October 2010 16:26

do u have fb

Reply

mageoreh | 0

#1625481 - Saturday 30 October 2010 10:28

stupider?

By fatalkiss | 0

#1609828 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 9:16

eh... you'll be all right :) invite your man over to warm you up!

Reply

BIGshooter | 2

#1609906 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 9:29

hope that op is a girl , otherwise really awkward comment. btw your pic is smokin'

Reply

sevans | 0

#1610234 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 11:29

2010 seniors ftw

Reply

smoke_eater05 | 0

#1610969 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 14:19

I'll come warm you up anytime

By littlemissdqgirl | 8

#1609836 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 9:17

That's what blankets are for.

By friday170 | 0

#1609845 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 9:18

go to another store like target or something

Reply

sarah48_fml | 0

#1610052 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 10:11

target ftw. not because I work there, because it's the truth.

Reply

cabbitt | 0

#1610076 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 10:19

This. Not even for Target per se but because the OP apparently couldn't think of any other store (even some hardware stores are carrying space heaters) for the heater.

Reply

Metalguitar30 | 0

#1610192 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 11:03

exactly. op ur retarded, find a real store and get what u need.

Reply

ArentICute | 0

#2927474 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 5:34

Kent, Target, BestBuy, Zellers, Sears.. But of course you only tried Walmart?

By chelle_starlight | 0

#1609855 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 9:20

sorry to hear this op...i guess it is time to send those house-warming invites...

Reply

chelle_starlight | 0

#1609999 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 9:53

op: "so that's why there were no cars in the parking lot...and here I was thinking I can just run in quickly and grab a space heater..." Wishful thinking op, wishful thinking