Today, I went to the doctor after being sick for weeks. I found... - FML

By FueledByFate - 4/2/2016 04:59 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I went to the doctor after being sick for weeks. I found out that I had bronchitis that then progressed to pneumonia. My girlfriend is hearing impaired, and when I can finally get words to come out when I speak, she can't understand them. I'm not sure who I feel more sorry for. FML

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Messed up

No justice

Spooky

By Joseph N - 19/6/2012 16:08 - United States

Today, a police officer came to talk to the kids at my workplace. He asked what they wanted to hear about first. A group of them shouted, "The donuts, tells us about the donuts." Apparently these idiots are the future of my country. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 06:44 - United States

Today, I drove 45 min from my college to surprise my girlfriend with roses after she got off work. She responded by taking the roses, dumping them in her back seat, and speeding off because she couldn't miss Survivor. FML

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By SheaLili - 7/8/2011 17:14 - United States

Today, I took my kids to the circus. We were having fun, right up until the point they saw an old man dressed as a clown, at which point they screamed, grabbed onto my shorts, and managed to accidentally pull them down. FML

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By Magilla - 16/2/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, I underwent several cardiac tests involving heart monitoring nodes placed all over my chest. The lab techs didn't pre-shave the areas and yanked out big clumps of chest hair as they removed the 10 nodes. They laughed, and said it could take up to a year for the hair to grow back. FML

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By Single - 19/8/2010 05:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He also decided the best way to end our relationship was to kill me and our virtual child on The Sims 3 by setting us on fire. FML

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By sadgirl - 10/6/2013 18:14 - United States - Conway

Today, my grandpa pointed me out to one of his friends, saying, "Yeah, she's the ugly one." FML

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By Adrian James - 9/7/2019 12:00

Today, I got into a fight with my roommate's girlfriend's best friend. A few hours later, they had me evicted. FML

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By -__- - 27/12/2013 21:49 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered the real reason my husband was distraught last week and has been acting moodily ever since. An attractive girl he was secretly having sex chats with online confessed to him that "she" was actually a guy. FML

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By thatguy - 26/12/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, I was feeling proud of myself because I finally quit World Of Warcraft. I later found out about the gift my dad's family gave me. It was a 12-month subscription to World Of Warcraft. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2020 02:00

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Today, I was told by Amazon that a belt I had ordered was arriving. I grabbed an Amazon package out of the mailbox without even checking who the package was addressed to. I now have an awkward apology ahead of me for opening my stepbrother's box of condoms. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2009 03:28 - Canada

Today, my fiancé proposed to me at the movies. The movie stopped in the middle, and my fiancé stands up, takes out a microphone and announces to the entire theatre that he loves me. Right when he went on one knee, someone shouts, "Turn the movie back on!", and throws a cup of coke at my head. FML

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By Labro9 - 23/10/2016 08:20

Today, as I was transcribing my manager's recorded orated memo, I heard an unmistakable grunt and splash of an impromptu "bathroom deposit". Seems my manager is economising his time like never before. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2013 02:47 - United States - Louisville

Today, a man I once worked with passed away. He was a lovely, caring, and inspirational person whom I looked up to. My husband's form of consolation? "Old people die. Get over it." FML

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By dudeyouarefired - 20/12/2012 08:16

Today, the highly intoxicated singer of my band decided it would be a wonderful idea to squat down and take a shit on stage in the middle of a gig. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2015 17:47 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, when I woke up, one half of my face was smooth and clear and the other half looked as if I got slapped by the Hand of Puberty itself. FML

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By Username - 5/11/2010 22:02 - France

Today, I was reading to a child during nap time because she woke up crying. She calmed down right after I began reading, but soon started crying again. I was confused until I felt something warm and wet on my leg. She peed on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 02:02 - United States - Arlington

Always ask for documentation

Today, the guy I met on Tinder texted me about our date tomorrow. He seemed nervous. I come to find out his mom overheard us talking on the phone and wants to meet me. I said OK, that’s not big deal. That’s when he told me that he’s actually 17. I now hate myself because I’m 26. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2020 05:00

Father of the year

Today, I realised that anyone who claims they enjoyed spending quality time together with their spouse and children during quarantine is a liar, a big fat liar. I know my kids aren’t even 10 yet, but god, I can’t wait for them to get houses of their own and move the fuck out. FML

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By Grandzilla - 9/9/2016 04:10 - France - Ablancourt

Today, I got a call from my panicking grandmother. I asked her what was going on, and she explained that, “Godzilla doesn’t work.” Not really understanding, I asked her to clarify. “Yes, you know, Godzilla, to use the internet.” FML

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By anonymous - 19/4/2012 22:33 - United States - Westwood

Today, I witnessed a car accident. Being an experienced paramedic, I rushed to the scene to see if anyone needed help. As I assessed the people involved, one of them pickpocketed me. FML

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By VtecKickIn - 17/7/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, I was driving with my girlfriend. As we turned onto our block, she shrieked that our dog was running down the street and into traffic. I jumped out of the moving car and chased him for about a mile, only to give up, go home, and find out it wasn't our dog. FML

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By owned - 28/4/2009 14:12 - Singapore

Today, I turned 18. My parents gave me a card that read "now that you're 18, it's time for some boozy fun... you can do all the things you did before but legally!" Taped to the inside was my fake id that I "lost" three months ago. FML

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By sadsadboy - 7/9/2015 21:20 - Peru

Today, I went to a bar which has two stories. I was on the top floor and then went downstairs. As I was going down, I recognised a boy in a wheelchair and his friends trying to get him up. I helped and took the wheelchair. One of his friends decided it would be a good moment to steal my wallet. FML

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By ribbonsundone - 6/1/2010 10:07 - United States

Today, I treated my friends to lunch at a posh restaurant because it's my birthday. While we were walking leisurely around the mall afterwards, their boyfriends showed up. I spent the next few hours walking alone behind them while they were walking hand in hand with their boyfriends. FML

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By Chiiii - 15/11/2017 01:30

Today, I got home from working abroad for 8 months and opened my post. I'm being taken to court over 3 parking tickets my mum didn't tell me she'd gotten using my car. If we lose, my credit score is affected for 6 years. FML

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By lovewedge - 9/3/2009 00:25 - United States

Today, I was so drunk that my friends put me to bed during a party. Later I find out that while I was passed out two of my friends came in and had sex while I was in the same bed. They tried to use me as a prop. Now my friends call me the love wedge. FML

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By talwin - 27/7/2011 04:05 - Reserved

Today, I discovered that the more money I earn, the more my personal belongings break down on me. FML

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By nude - 15/1/2010 00:43 - United States

Today, I woke up in my boyfriend's dorm and decided to take a shower before he woke up. I used the girls bathroom on the above floor, and afterwards just threw on a towel and ran to the elevator. I forgot to press my boyfriend's floor and I was taken to the lobby in a towel. People were waiting. FML

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By horniness - 10/10/2009 16:30 - Hong Kong

Today, I was in a bad mood after being stuck in traffic for 2 hours and late for work. I was walking to my building when I saw a 100 dollar note flying my way. A man called after me for it, but being selfish I took the note in my pocket as a little reward. That man was my boss. Yes, I'm fired. FML

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By ihaveissues - 19/10/2017 01:30

Today, the handle on our front door broke, leaving us unable to open it. We got a guy to come to sort it out, but all he succeeded in doing was completely wrecking the door. He says he can come back next week. We have no other way out of the house. FML

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By longdrive - 25/7/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, my sister and I drove 800 miles with her five-year-old, her two-year-old, and her two dogs. The two-year-old got carsick five times, adding an extra three hours to the trip. The kickers? My sister is sympathy spewer and neither of them chews food very well. FML

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By is_that_right - 27/12/2014 19:14 - United States - El Paso

Today, I texted my girlfriend, saying "Hey there." She quickly replied, assuring me that she's not cheating on me. Uh, okay. FML

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By eat my fucking ass, boss - 6/12/2013 23:37 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, a customer threatened to come back later and shoot the whole place up. Why? I didn't give him a discount on his beer. My boss's reaction when I called the police: "Why didn't you give him the discount?!" Last week he bitched me out for letting a girl off for being a few cents short on hers. FML

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By Sheggie - 30/1/2010 05:06 - Australia

Today, I found a wallet belonging to some guy, it had $355 inside. Because he had his address written inside, I decided to return it hoping for a reward. I drove for 40 mins and finally got to his house during peak hour. All he did was say "oh cool". FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2009 23:41 - United States

Today, knowing that the girl I broke up with last night goes crazy after breakups, I threw away my hair products, thinking she switched them with Nair. She didn't... but she did use the key I keep under a flowerpot to take all of my clothes and burn them on my lawn while I was at work. FML

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By fml - 21/2/2015 02:54 - United States - Denver

Today, three days after finally having a bed to sleep on, I woke up with multiple bedbug bites. I can't use my blankets, wear any of my clothes and it's back to sleeping on the floor for me. FML

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By Jake - 25/7/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I was going to hang out with the girl I like, because she was leaving for the rest of the Summer. She had to cancel to go shopping with her grandma "all day." At 1 o'clock, she came online and told me how much fun she had with this guy I really don't like. She forgot that she lied to me. FML

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By Me - 27/9/2015 09:53 - Australia

Today, I tried taking a shortcut through a nature trail, hoping to save myself some time getting back to my car. I ended up getting lost for nearly 3 hours and getting to work nearly 2 hours late. FML

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By MommyProblems - 19/1/2014 05:17 - United States

Today, my 2-year-old son put his hand on my face, gave me a sweet kiss, and put his cheek against mine. Then he slapped me hard enough to leave a mark, laughed, and scrambled away. FML

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By My_Cow_kiM - 28/4/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I told my mom I'm severely allergic to my cat and that the doctor told me it would be best to get rid of the cat. Somewhat jokingly, I told her it was either me or the cat. She chose the cat. She was serious too. FML

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Top comments

By gatorclay97 | 28

#6528529 - Thursday 4 February 2016 17:54

Maybe try using a whiteboard until you get your voice back, feel better.

By peeta0330 | 18

#6528526 - Thursday 4 February 2016 17:54

That stinks OP! Hopefully it will get better!

COMMENTS

By whyugh | 13

#6528525 - Thursday 4 February 2016 17:54

Hey now if you've ever gotten mad about something you can say it and she won't know!

Reply

xnemesis1981 | 15

#6528712 - Thursday 4 February 2016 22:13

As a hearing impaired person, the number of dickheads I've caught via lipreading doing this is pathetic. Only cowards do this.

Reply

fourscore | 10

#6528975 - Friday 5 February 2016 6:44

Chill they were just like irking some fun out the situation

Reply

jocamo | 24

#6529452 - Friday 5 February 2016 20:42

I think you mean eking out #67. Irk means to annoy.

By peeta0330 | 18

#6528526 - Thursday 4 February 2016 17:54

That stinks OP! Hopefully it will get better!

By SilentSin | 22

#6528527 - Thursday 4 February 2016 17:54

Well fuck a duck that sucks. Hope you get better mate.

Reply

JerryClark | 17

#6528960 - Friday 5 February 2016 5:56

Animal abuse! but really OP hasn't even the energy to catch a duck let alone fuck one

By igg125 | 30

#6528528 - Thursday 4 February 2016 17:54

Maybe she heard what she wanted to hear.

Reply

Obito_Uchiha651 | 17

#6528891 - Friday 5 February 2016 3:29

Do you know what hearing impaired means

Reply

Sansational_ | 18

#6556684 - Friday 11 March 2016 5:05

Well, he certainly knows what thinking impaired means.

By gatorclay97 | 28

#6528529 - Thursday 4 February 2016 17:54

Maybe try using a whiteboard until you get your voice back, feel better.

Reply

vsus98 | 22

#6528588 - Thursday 4 February 2016 18:38

Ah yes. I remember the excitement when the teacher would break 'em out in elementary school. Hope you get better OP.

Reply

Kitten_love | 22

#6528631 - Thursday 4 February 2016 19:50

There is always sign language too. It's a wonderful language to learn and helpful in all scenarios!

Reply

FSGInsainity | 15

#6528647 - Thursday 4 February 2016 20:16

#20 I'm a junior in highschool and still get excited when we take them out, especially if I can get the yellow marker.

Reply

LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6528690 - Thursday 4 February 2016 21:32

Exactly. I don't think whiteboards are given much credit. It would be nice if hospitals had them for people with respiratory tubes who are not allowed to talk as they may damage their vocal chords to communicate.

Reply

gatorclay97 | 28

#6528710 - Thursday 4 February 2016 22:09

Holy shit I got a top comment ?

By JustinJK | 21

#6528534 - Thursday 4 February 2016 18:00

I'm going this OP. I feel your pain.

By weird_adult | 27

#6528535 - Thursday 4 February 2016 18:02

there is a magical invention Called pen and paper

Reply

tantanpanda | 26

#6528694 - Thursday 4 February 2016 21:42

Plot twist: OP'S girlfriend is also illiterate.

Reply

Miss_Whipped | 43

#6528847 - Friday 5 February 2016 2:03

Even more magical is a cell phone or a computer. :)

By M3DO | 24

#6528537 - Thursday 4 February 2016 18:03

Try communicating to her through writing, like texting each other. Good luck OP

By TxAsMaD3 | 19

#6528538 - Thursday 4 February 2016 18:04

ain't nobody got time for that

Reply

annoyedperson | 25

#6528545 - Thursday 4 February 2016 18:09

I said oh Lord Jesus it's a fire

Reply

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6528709 - Thursday 4 February 2016 22:09

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus it's a fire

By SoBeSatan | 22

#6528540 - Thursday 4 February 2016 18:08

That's inconvenient! I hope you work things out, OP!