Health: Today, I went to the doctor after being sick for weeks. I found... - FML

By FueledByFate - United States - Phoenix

Today, I went to the doctor after being sick for weeks. I found out that I had bronchitis that then progressed to pneumonia. My girlfriend is hearing impaired, and when I can finally get words to come out when I speak, she can't understand them. I'm not sure who I feel more sorry for. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Lockdown is driving us down

Spooky

By Cellphonetroubles - Canada

Today, I was laughing at a story of a girl who had dropped her cellphone in a hottub and ruined it. As I was feeling pretty good about myself, I then realized that my cellphone was in the pocket of a sweater that I had just thrown in the washer 20 minutes prior. FML

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By staceyymaee - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my new futon mattress arrived. Upon laying it out on the frame, I realized IKEA has whack bed sizings. When I went to return the mattress for a queen, they informed me a queen mattress wouldn't be here until sometime next week. I already threw out my old crappy mattress. FML

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By ugh - United States - Antioch

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me over some rumors he heard about me. These rumors are from high-school, seven years ago. FML

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By weirdo - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to send him a pic of myself being happy for his phone's caller ID. So I picked out a picture where I'm grinning a big grin, clearly very happy like he asked. He replies back, "You look weird there. Send a pretty one." FML

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By Shamu - United States

Today, I found out my friends call me 'Shamu the whale' behind my back. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found the special needle I needed yesterday for a school biology project. I found it by walking around barefoot at 5 am. FML

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By meganisabella - United States

Today, I went driving for the first time. I made it twenty miles to my step mom's house, and didn't stop until I was inside the garage. Too bad the garage door was closed when I got there. FML

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By Coquette - United States

Today, I realized just how awful my relationships have been when I discovered I emotionally connect with women on Jerry Springer. FML

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By iris - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, I brought my boyfriend home, and I introduced him to my parents. Afterwards, I took him to my room so we could have some "bonding" time. Right as things got pretty intense, I heard my dad yell, "Stop faking, honey." FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the store and bought some cream to help with a sunburn I'd gotten a few days ago. What's worse than having red, peeling, and painful skin? An allergic reaction on top of it. FML

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By ahhnotoy - United States

Today, I bought a box of Fruit Loops. When I got home, I noticed a free prize would be in the box. I sifted through the box, looking for the small toy. It wasn't in there. I don't know what is more sad, the fact that I got ripped off by a children's cereal or that I'm 21 and upset by it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out that the guy I've been sleeping with is my mom's gynecologist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that if you slip on ice, imitating Mario from Super Mario Bros when he attempts to stop himself slipping, won't work in real life. I now have a broken nose, as well as a blood trail running from my driveway into my kitchen. FML

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By Headphones - United States

Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents having sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a good long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones just in time to hear them finish. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 23:01

"I'm horny, horny horny horny"

Today, I got incredibly horny at work. No one was in the office, so I spread out on my yoga mat and started to masturbate. All of the sudden, I heard a forklift outside. I quickly tried to hide, but I think the construction worker caught me. He’ll be working here all month. FML

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By and she doesn't even give bjs - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, I watched The Passion of the Christ with my girlfriend. She kept scoffing at what she called the "historical inaccuracies", and actually tried to convince me that Hitler killed Jesus. When I corrected her, she looked at me, mouth agape, as if I was insane. FML

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By nycgirl424 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years sent me a text messages saying, "Don't worry I'm gonna break up with her soon. Love you." FML

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By Fmylife - United States

Today, I have a cold. Trying to clear out my stuffy nose, I tried putting mouthwash in my nose. Thinking it was an awesome idea, I put some more in. I then starting screaming in pain due to the extreme burning in my nostrils. FML

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By moosemay - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, I took my two-year-old daughter to the dentist for her first check-up. We were at the front desk when she tripped, fell and chipped her front tooth on the marble floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bremerton

Today, my ex told me that she's 3 weeks pregnant with my child. Not only was she on her period when I broke up with her last week, her friend let me know that the positive pregnancy test she showed me was a fake that she'd bought online. FML

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By ScreweD- - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a writing assignment back. After meeting with my professor specially after class and meticulously combing through every word of that paper, I got a low D. Turns out, he graded me down on every suggestion of his that I took. FML

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By CreepyPaperDoll - United States

Today, I went for coffee with some people from work. I lined up to order behind a guy I'd only met a few times. When he paid, he dropped his wallet, and I saw that he had a picture of me cut from the company newsletter, enlarged, and taped inside his wallet. FML

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By smurfisurfer1 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into trouble with his mother for me still being at their house at 1:00 am. I'm 24, he's 22 and we really were studying. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was attacked by a bird at 3 in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No-one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML

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By Reena - Canada

Today, I got woken up by a text from an unknown number at 3 am saying, "haha I found your number." I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep. After hours of trying to fall asleep, my drowsiness was disturbed by another text from the same person saying, "Sorry, wrong number." FML

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By kvdfan - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to see me after almost a month of us not spending time together. Unfortunately, he came straight from bar-hopping with his friends and was wasted. He's currently naked in bed, cooing at his penis, and giggling like a little girl. FML

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By Daniel_rules - United States

Today, my friend was pulled over and told to get out of the car. The officer motioned for me to get out of the car too so I reached behind me to get my shoes. He then pointed his gun at my face and frantically asked my friend if I had a gun. My friend calmly replied "No, but shoot him anyway." FML

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By avocadotoe - United States - Big Bear Lake

Today, my boyfriend and I were house sitting. We were a little on edge because we'd heard noises. We were starting to get intimate, and suddenly the house alarm started going off. We locked ourselves in the room, called the police, and they told us that we were the ones who'd set it off. FML

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By UltraHoe69 - United States

Today, in gym class, we were forced to learn the "Hoedown Throwdown" dance, by Miley Cyrus. This will actually be counted toward my grade. I'm in high school. FML

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By elipses - Canada

Today, I got a report telling me how I had handled a mystery shopper at work. In this report I found out that instead of saying "Thank you" I had said "Have a nice day, take care." This kept me from getting my $150 bonus. FML

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By thinking of military school

Today, I drug tested my son for weed. He purposely filled the cup up to the top out of spite and I got piss all over my hands. Oh, and he failed. FML

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By stinker - United States

Today, my mother told me she was going out of town this weekend. I re-assured her that I would not throw a party. She replied "Oh, like you have enough friends to do that." FML

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By Crushgonewrong - United States - Compton

Today, I told the cute girl in my office that she looked like she listened to country music, as an icebreaker. She blankly stared at me for what felt like forever, and responded with, "That's the worst thing you could say to a person," and walked away. She hasn't talked to me since. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Surrey

Thanks

Today, while walking to work with my best friend, he broke down in tears. I asked what was wrong, and he told me his mom passed away last night. All I could think to do was give him a hug and say I was sorry. Then some assclown walking past said "GAAAYYY!" and walked away laughing hysterically. FML

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By Jen

Today, I had to call a customer. I usually try to avoid calling customers because I have a very prominent speech impediment. Well, it turns out the customer I called also has a speech impediment and thought I was mocking her. She hung up on me and filed a formal complaint with my company. FML

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By notsick

Today, my roommate invited her brother over to drink. Neither can handle their drink and her brother is a sympathy spewer. He’s not my guest but I had to clean up vomit until 4 in the morning. FML

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By jkmartinjk - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, on an important call with a potential employer, he began to speak quieter and quieter until I couldn't hear him at all. When I finally hung up after waiting for 5 minutes, I realized that I had been pressing down on the volume button. FML

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By jeanstein

Today, I got a call from this drunk man, asking for Celeste. Since I don't know any Celestes, I told him that he had the wrong number. He kept calling for her. Apparently he can't take a hint that she didn't give him her real number, and I get to deal with him. FML

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By The greatest Illusion ever - United States

Today, I went to school without any makeup on. The guys who usually compliment me for being pretty are now calling me "The Greatest Illusion Ever". FML

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By Falafax - United States

Today, I auditioned for a part and made it because the director thought I would be "perfect" for the part and I was "just like the character in every way." The part is for a schizophrenic drug addict who everyone hates and is stabbed to death in the second scene. FML

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Top comments

By gatorclay97 | 28

#6528529 - Thursday 4 February 2016 17:54

Maybe try using a whiteboard until you get your voice back, feel better.

By peeta0330 | 18

#6528526 - Thursday 4 February 2016 17:54

That stinks OP! Hopefully it will get better!

COMMENTS

By whyugh | 13

#6528525 - Thursday 4 February 2016 17:54

Hey now if you've ever gotten mad about something you can say it and she won't know!

Reply

xnemesis1981 | 15

#6528712 - Thursday 4 February 2016 22:13

As a hearing impaired person, the number of dickheads I've caught via lipreading doing this is pathetic. Only cowards do this.

Reply

fourscore | 10

#6528975 - Friday 5 February 2016 6:44

Chill they were just like irking some fun out the situation

Reply

jocamo | 24

#6529452 - Friday 5 February 2016 20:42

I think you mean eking out #67. Irk means to annoy.

By peeta0330 | 18

#6528526 - Thursday 4 February 2016 17:54

That stinks OP! Hopefully it will get better!

By SilentSin | 22

#6528527 - Thursday 4 February 2016 17:54

Well fuck a duck that sucks. Hope you get better mate.

Reply

JerryClark | 17

#6528960 - Friday 5 February 2016 5:56

Animal abuse! but really OP hasn't even the energy to catch a duck let alone fuck one

By igg125 | 30

#6528528 - Thursday 4 February 2016 17:54

Maybe she heard what she wanted to hear.

Reply

Obito_Uchiha651 | 17

#6528891 - Friday 5 February 2016 3:29

Do you know what hearing impaired means

Reply

Sansational_ | 18

#6556684 - Friday 11 March 2016 5:05

Well, he certainly knows what thinking impaired means.

By gatorclay97 | 28

#6528529 - Thursday 4 February 2016 17:54

Maybe try using a whiteboard until you get your voice back, feel better.

Reply

vsus98 | 22

#6528588 - Thursday 4 February 2016 18:38

Ah yes. I remember the excitement when the teacher would break 'em out in elementary school. Hope you get better OP.

Reply

Kitten_love | 22

#6528631 - Thursday 4 February 2016 19:50

There is always sign language too. It's a wonderful language to learn and helpful in all scenarios!

Reply

FSGInsainity | 15

#6528647 - Thursday 4 February 2016 20:16

#20 I'm a junior in highschool and still get excited when we take them out, especially if I can get the yellow marker.

Reply

LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6528690 - Thursday 4 February 2016 21:32

Exactly. I don't think whiteboards are given much credit. It would be nice if hospitals had them for people with respiratory tubes who are not allowed to talk as they may damage their vocal chords to communicate.

Reply

gatorclay97 | 28

#6528710 - Thursday 4 February 2016 22:09

Holy shit I got a top comment ?

By JustinJK | 21

#6528534 - Thursday 4 February 2016 18:00

I'm going this OP. I feel your pain.

By weird_adult | 27

#6528535 - Thursday 4 February 2016 18:02

there is a magical invention Called pen and paper

Reply

tantanpanda | 26

#6528694 - Thursday 4 February 2016 21:42

Plot twist: OP'S girlfriend is also illiterate.

Reply

Miss_Whipped | 43

#6528847 - Friday 5 February 2016 2:03

Even more magical is a cell phone or a computer. :)

By M3DO | 24

#6528537 - Thursday 4 February 2016 18:03

Try communicating to her through writing, like texting each other. Good luck OP

By TxAsMaD3 | 19

#6528538 - Thursday 4 February 2016 18:04

ain't nobody got time for that

Reply

annoyedperson | 25

#6528545 - Thursday 4 February 2016 18:09

I said oh Lord Jesus it's a fire

Reply

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6528709 - Thursday 4 February 2016 22:09

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus it's a fire

By SoBeSatan | 22

#6528540 - Thursday 4 February 2016 18:08

That's inconvenient! I hope you work things out, OP!