Today, I went to choir rehearsal at 7:30 in the morning. When...

By snowinggrey - 19/2/2012 04:03 - United States

Today, I went to choir rehearsal at 7:30 in the morning. When the guy I have a major crush on stood next to me, I got really excited, so I tried to sound good. After the song ended, he asked me if I wanted some gum to cover up my morning breath. FML

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Love

The best cat

Long story short

Ghosted

By officekid - 16/8/2019 02:00

Today, a woman from my office called, asking who was in. Only one other woman was in the office. I couldn't remember her name, so I had to awkwardly guess random names while both women listened, obviously aware of what was going on. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were getting at it, and then my parents came home. I heard them and we scrambled to get our clothes on. My dad came into the room and found me wearing her pants inside out with her thong around my legs. FML

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By whorecrux - 2/7/2013 03:37 - United States - Newark

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to buy me a "magic wand". Being a Harry Potter fanatic, I assumed he meant a replica wand. It turns out he actually meant a Magic Wand vibrator. I was more excited about the HP wand. FML

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By fire1 - 25/10/2011 04:30 - United States

Today, working as an EMT on an ambulance, we had a patient who refused to accept that he had a massive GI bleed, despite the fact that bloody stool was flowing from his anus all over my ambulance. To make things worse, my EMT ride-along student puked all over the patient. FML

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By derranged - 22/4/2009 18:24 - China

Today, I was the best man at a wedding and I was flirting with a cute bridesmaid. Then this old guy decides to give the newlyweds a toast. He made a crappy joke and barely anybody laughed. So I say to the girl, "Wow that sucked, who the hell does he think he is?" The girl replies, "That's my dad". FML

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By dentistvictim - 16/10/2009 07:27 - Norway

Today, I went to the school dentist for the yearly routine check. She took ages trying to clean out my teeth with the metal toothpick-thing, constantly hitting my gums. After half an hour of pain and spitting blood, she looks up and says, laughing: "Oh, I forgot to put my glasses on". FML

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By Concert Flatulent - 10/7/2012 04:44 - United States - Marshall

Today, I went to an orchestra concert. Halfway through the performance I had to fart really bad, so I decided to try and sneak it in while the orchestra was playing a loud exciting part. Just as I let it rip, there was a dramatic pause in the music. Everyone heard. FML

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By goingnowherefast - 9/2/2013 00:19 - United States - Butler

Today, after three and a half years of working dead-end jobs with a bachelor's degree, I got a call from a potential employer in my degree field, who wanted to set up an interview. The problem: the interview is across the country, and I'm too broke to pay the travel expenses. FML

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By dharp7 - 16/11/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. Her exact words used were "I like the idea of you, but I don't like you." I still don't know what that means. FML

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By "mynameissecretlyjeff" - 11/4/2017 06:00 - United States

Today, my brother put a mac-n-cheese cup in the microwave without any water. My entire house smells like burnt cardboard. FML

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By MickeyDManager - 3/8/2009 15:08 - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I tutored in high school in basic ENGLISH just received her PhD in Biophysics. I am now the manager of a McDonald's. I was also the Valedictorian of our graduating class. FML

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By Broderick - 26/3/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I was hiking, and four miles away from my car and civilization, I tripped over a rock into a cactus. I used duct tape, which ripped all the hair off my arms and legs but ignored the spikes. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2010 11:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I got out of bed and immediately went to the window as it was supposed to snow today. I saw a man walking his dog and he waved at me. I waved back enthusiastically and realised I was naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 09:35 - United States

Today, a guy at work was ranking the girls we work with in the order he'd want to date them. He told me I was 6th "because personality is important, too." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2012 12:38 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I watched as my neighbor walked to my front lawn, looked me right in the eye, and pissed on my mailbox. FML

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By busted - 25/9/2009 20:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a club with my friends. I noticed the bouncer looked at me strangely. Then he erupts and screams, "you're the bitch who caused havoc and £255 damage to the cloakroom, pay up or I'll call the fuzz!" Little did I know my 15-year-old sister stole my ID last weekend. FML

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By all arsed out - 6/3/2016 16:50 - United Kingdom - Spalding

Today, I suffered an uncontrollable sneezing attack. I have the runs. It wasn't exactly as bad as I'd have expected. Just a lot worse. FML

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By CivE - 25/1/2010 13:32 - United States

Today, I started work as the head engineer for a big civil engineering project. I met the rest of my team, in particular the environmental engineer who I'll need to get along with the most. As it turns out, I took her virginity when we were freshmen in college. She still thinks I'm an asshole. FML

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By battle1 - 17/7/2015 11:00 - United States - Marietta

Today, my best friend told me he masturbates to my Instagram page. Thanks, I guess. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2013 23:35 - United Kingdom - Somerton

Today, I woke up following one of the worst nightmares of my life. I was sweating, clutching the sheets, and feeling sick to the stomach. I'd been dreaming of my wedding that's taking place next week. FML

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By ceilingssuck - 17/2/2010 20:18 - New Zealand

Today, I noticed that my ceiling was sagging slightly. I got up on to a chair to look at it more closely, and I touched it. Turns out that my ceiling was full of water. It went everywhere, ruining my new iPod, phone, and all the things my daughter bought for university. FML

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By anon - 31/12/2013 18:13 - United States - Gilroy

Today, my boyfriend knocked into me with his car. I drove myself to the hospital because he couldn't stop laughing long enough to drive. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2019 06:00

Looks

Today, my mom and dad were talking about how if I lost weight, I would be attractive and have guys all over me. My dad said, “That’s exactly what I’m worried about.” It took me a while to realize they both think I’m ugly. FML

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By ssssssssuck a dick, boss - 18/8/2013 17:29 - United States - Kalispell

Today, my manager took me aside and angrily told me to quit fucking about with our customers. He totally refuses to believe that the slight whistling sound I keep making when I exhale is because I have a chipped tooth. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2010 19:31 - United States

Today, I finally weighed myself after going on a strict diet of only fruits, vegetables, and coffee. I gained weight. FML

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By DDRFreak - 19/3/2015 21:49 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I was playing Dance Dance Revolution in an arcade when a woman came up and asked me if playing it was my job. I laughed but then realized that it is actually the closest thing I have to a job. FML

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By person - 20/9/2015 23:57 - United States - League City

Today, I accidentally fell asleep at work after working a 12-hour shift. Instead of waking me up, my coworkers spiked my coffee mug with whiskey and told my boss I was drunk. My boss wouldn't even listen to my side of the story and fired me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2015 06:59 - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, once again, I explained that yes, I'm Russian. No, I'm not a communist. No, I don't pray to a picture of Putin riding a bear. And no, I don't have any vodka on me. FML

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By bananagurl4242 - 16/7/2011 05:34 - United States

Today, my friends told me all five of us should bring sleeping bags on our field trip; I brought mine only to find out they had told me that so they would get the four beds to themselves. They all 'forgot' to bring them and its only fair that I should sleep on the floor. We are here for a week. FML

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By John - 15/11/2009 06:08 - Australia

Today, I parked my convertible in the 5 minute bay at the post office. When I came back out I noticed a bum in the front seat pretending to drive it. After shouting at him and pulling him out, he stumbled off. I was then slapped with a ticket for being parked longer than 5 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my crush and wanted to see what he thought of me. Instead of asking him straight, I tugged at my shirt, saying ''I don't know why I wear this top. I always look awful in it." He said, "Are you fishing for a fat joke?" FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2012 15:05 - Ireland

Today, I had to use antiperspirant deodorant under my breasts. FML

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By oh dear - 25/10/2009 09:06 - France

Today, my daughter threw a can of hairspray into the fireplace because she saw someone do it on YouTube. FML

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By ghostninja4593 - 2/12/2016 03:48 - United States - Council Bluffs

Today, my reflexes kicked in when I saw a hot glue gun falling. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2010 17:53 - Canada

Today, I thought I'd wear my snow boots so I wouldn't slip on the ice at work. I crashed my car because I can't feel the pedals with my boots on. FML

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By Numou - 8/12/2008 07:26 - France

Today, I pointed out to my girlfriend that she wasn't jealous. She replied, "Well actually, I am, I just can't prove it cause no one else is interested in you". FML

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By Disappointed - 4/10/2014 03:08

Today, my teenage daughter asked me to buy her the morning after pill, saying "It's for my acne." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2016 12:30 - United States

Today, my roommate used my PC without asking. Long story short, it's now infected with ransomware. The dissertation I've been working on for months is now encrypted, along with all the backups on my second hard drive. Now I have to pay the hackers $1,500 to get the decryption key. FML

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By babysitter - 17/4/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I went to babysit. I was told the parents would be gone when I arrived. I went and started playing with the kids. All of a sudden I heard a scream. I opened the parents' door with a knife in hand to find them having sex. I got paid so adults could get laid. While I was there. 6 ft. away. FML

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By BrokeAsFuck - 18/10/2012 23:52 - United States

Today, my mom and I went out to a fancy and expensive restaurant per her request; she told me it was her treat. After we ate our meals and the large check came, she excused herself to the bathroom. She didn't come back. I was dine-and-dashed by my own mother. FML

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Top comments

By Climaxx | 11

#4054856 - Sunday 19 February 2012 9:15

Aw, he's caring! Sounds like he was kinda polite about it :L

By DontClickOnMe | 28

#4054858 - Sunday 19 February 2012 9:15

How embarrassing, but sounds like someone needs to brush their teeth better.

Comments

By rulingtomax | 0

#4054854 - Sunday 19 February 2012 9:14

At least he didn't yell it to the class

MineIsBigger | 5

#4054907 - Sunday 19 February 2012 9:25

always take a few peppermints with you just in case brushing your teeth isnt working

yahoowizard | 16

#4055147 - Sunday 19 February 2012 10:50

Or make a huge deal about it.

IAdminIFlow | 0

#4055198 - Sunday 19 February 2012 11:28

u shoulda said, i ate a mint, ur just smelling ur own breath, then walked away, slowly

taekwondogirl987 | 0

#4055612 - Sunday 19 February 2012 14:57

Sorry op!! Did you brush this morning tho? :/

By Climaxx | 11

#4054856 - Sunday 19 February 2012 9:15

Aw, he's caring! Sounds like he was kinda polite about it :L

fugazeeb | 0

#4055320 - Sunday 19 February 2012 12:19

I hate bad hygiene

By DontClickOnMe | 28

#4054858 - Sunday 19 February 2012 9:15

How embarrassing, but sounds like someone needs to brush their teeth better.

angeljewlz | 7

#4055068 - Sunday 19 February 2012 10:08

Don't forget the tongue!!! (;

LaughinStock | 16

#4055179 - Sunday 19 February 2012 11:04

AND flossing :) don't want those pieces of orange hanging in between teeth.

DocAwesome | 1

#4055255 - Sunday 19 February 2012 12:06

AND gargling using Crest (my favorite) the one that is not alcohol free :)

By TheEpicMilkMan | 13

#4054886 - Sunday 19 February 2012 9:20

well he could have busted you out about it but instead he was private about it and i mean i would have said thanks and took it cause in all honesty it would be embarrassing but it would keep you from having bad breath :3