Today, I went to chill with my best guy friend and his girlfriend,... - FML

By LilShawty2000 - 24/2/2009 05:30 - United States

Today, I went to chill with my best guy friend and his girlfriend, whom I recently met after I moved to the area. After a few beers, my buddy leaned over and tried to make out with me. I quickly backed up and shockingly looked over at his girlfriend to expect the same reaction. She winked. FML

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Season finale

True hero

Basic Instinct

By Anonymous - 11/7/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me to a movie after days of not seeing me. This long awaited date involved me paying for food and my movie ticket when he ran out of cash again. He then dumped me as we left the theater walking to his car. Well, I financed my own breakup date. FML

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By monochromatic - 20/2/2010 03:13 - United States

Today, I found out that the 20% pay cut that the "management team" took at my job really only applied to... me. I also found out that my closest friend at work has been lying to me about it, and telling my boss everything I say. His pay was never cut. I guess it pays to be the boss's snitch. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2009 20:33 - Canada

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant. He laughed and said, “April Fools, right?” then left the room, still laughing like it was the dumbest thing ever. Tomorrow's April Fools day. I really am pregnant. FML

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By 123literateABC - 4/11/2015 03:10 - United States - Grand Haven

Today, at work, the janitor would not stop telling me how good I looked. This was after he told me he was fired for sexual harassment at his last job. He clearly learned that lesson. FML

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By anonymous - 3/6/2011 06:25 - United States

Today, my dad's work phone went off, and I thought I should go tell him since he's on call. Turns out no matter how you do it, a 47 year old man at one in the morning will think you are a burglar trying to attack him. FML

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By smallmediumatlrg - 25/6/2009 19:17 - United States

Today, I went to a yard sale and found a cute plush duck. I sent a pic of it to my friend with the message "Jackpot!" I guess she didn't see the pic because she called me up all excited, thinking my boyfriend of 6 years finally proposed to me. "No, I said, I just found a big duck for $1." FML

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By SprinklerDodger - 8/6/2012 23:54 - Denmark - Odense

Today, I was woken up by a noise coming from the bathroom. Upon investigation, I discovered my very drunk, giggling girlfriend attempting to urinate standing up. Carefully note the word "attempting". FML

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By BrilsmurfO_O - 6/4/2009 14:12 - Netherlands

Today, I was at IKEA with my parents. I walked away from them and later I heard the speaker of the store call my name asking me to come to the playground because my mom and dad were worried. I'm 18. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2011 18:05 - United States

Today, after an extremely hard day at work, I took a hot shower to wind down a little bit. I accidentally splashed a painful amount of hot water and shampoo in my eyes. My left contact is now stuck to my eyeball. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2012 04:43 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I discovered that my acne glows yellow and orange under black lights while in front of a wall of them at a club. FML

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By maced face - 5/2/2013 17:45 - United States

Today, as I was walking to my car, I noticed a car with a tail light out. Trying to be a good citizen, I walked up to the driver's side door and said "excuse me". The lady then maced me through the open window. FML

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By - 2/1/2020 18:00

Hard to believe

Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home he was masturbating. FML

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By Dogless - 21/8/2011 05:51 - United States

Today, over a year on from my parents telling me my dog had died, I went to the shelter to volunteer, and saw my old dog. FML

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By Jenny - 28/12/2017 15:30 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I discovered the importance of having sex before marriage. We found out that my husband is gay on our wedding night. FML

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By leonuniz - 19/4/2015 16:34 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my grandma told me point-blank that she despises gays, but that she'll go to my wedding for the booze and nothing more. FML

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By spiderbaby - 6/10/2015 19:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I opened a window that had been shut for a couple of months. As soon as I did, dozens of tiny baby spiders blew in with the breeze, and dispersed in my kitchen. FML

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By MahSquito - 6/2/2012 02:14 - United States

Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners who were on a tour of the museum I was visiting. FML

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By itsgotime - 20/3/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, I was running to my car, slipped, and slammed my head on the car door. I started driving to the hospital because it was bleeding profusely and I was dizzy, I called my mom to tell her what had happened. She said I was grounded for "goofing off" and that she was "sick of my shit". FML

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By christine brown - 26/8/2011 12:03 - United States

Today, I got suspended for bringing a "hazardous weapon" to school. They were earrings. FML

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By Oh hello there - 17/6/2018 01:30

Today, I accidentally left my Nintendo 3DS at the barbershop, so I rushed back to get it. The 60-year-old barber had destroyed it with a hammer, saying it was a weapon of the devil. I was gone 5 minutes. FML

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By annoyed - 11/5/2016 11:40 - Netherlands - Maastricht

Today, I sent my boyfriend a sweet text message, since he recently complained that I'm rarely romantic. Instead of being happy, he decided that since it's so out of character for me, I must be cheating on him and must have only sent it out of guilt. FML

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By criley - 24/6/2014 01:56 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, an attractive guy approached me and struck up a conversation. He was friendly and sweet, and gave me his number. As I walked away, my first thought was that someone had played a cruel joke on me. I've had such awful relationships that I can't recognize when someone is actually being sincere. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 02:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me on facebook to stop calling/texting her because she lost her phone. Right under her post was "sent from facebook for iPhone." FML

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By login_eddy - 17/9/2010 18:37 - France

Today, while cleaning behind a ladder, I banged my head on one of the hand rails. I stood up, cursed, and moved to the other side. To my luck, I hit the other side of my head. I now have two lumps perfectly placed as horns on my head. FML

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By Leauge - 28/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Owensboro

Very smart

Today, I woke up to find out my house was robbed. He didn't steal anything of value, but he stole my beer, dog, and cat. FML

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By Brastro - 7/4/2009 11:46 - Ireland

Today, we were at the end of our surfing trip watching a photo montage. A picture popped up of an ugly girl surfing so I shouted out "I didn't know Shrek could surf". The room went very quiet. "Shrek" was sitting beside me. FML

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By birthday girl - 27/10/2012 00:14 - Australia

Today, it was my birthday. My mom didn't buy me a present, throw a party, or acknowledge the event in any way. Last week it was our dog's birthday, which included a party for all the neighbourhood dogs, and a cake for our dog, made out of bacon. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2012 22:35 - Italy - Milan

Today, I finally summed up the courage to break up with my abusively controlling girlfriend. I don't know what I was thinking, but instead of leaving as a free man, I left as an engaged one. FML

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By ilovecowboys - 26/2/2010 09:09 - New Zealand

Today, on the train to work, the train guard was hot and I became stupidly nervous. I'm very shy and was trying to avoid eye-contact. He said 'THANK YOU', in a pissed off tone of voice and glared at me. I had absent-mindedly been staring in the direction of his prosthetic arm the entire time. FML

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By brokenhome - 25/1/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, my apartment got robbed. My 'book-in-progress' should keep them company. FML

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By ac32 - 11/4/2011 16:05 - Canada

Today, I bought myself a brand-new 52" flatscreen. It was only in my house for 2 hours before my toddler had a tantrum, threw a toy right into the screen and wrecked it beyond repair. I paid to have a nice TV for 2 hours. FML

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By Damm - 24/1/2009 19:05 - United States

Today, I have an auto immune disease which causes my penis to look like a tie-dye t shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2012 10:39 - Australia

Today, after applying for a promotion to a position which I've been working my ass off for two years to get, my managers thought it would be appropriate to discuss other applicants in front of me, even asking me to compare my resume with theirs to see the "caliber" of what I'm up against. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2014 18:43 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my young daughter. I hate pooping in public but I really had to go so I brought her in with me. Thinking we were alone, I started to go and my daughter yelled, "Good job, mommy, you're using the potty like a big girl!" I then heard laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2016 01:46 - United States

Today, my aunt's last words to me were, "Don't be an idiot". FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2012 21:22 - Canada

Today, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend sighed, said "I can't do this any more" and pulled out. After repeatedly asking him what was wrong, he basically told me that I suck in bed. Apparently, the way I "just lie there" makes him feel like a necrophile. FML

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By driven_crazy - 12/12/2014 19:52 - United States - Newark

Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always uses them to rant at us and tell us to be better employees. When the speech began, the alarm I have set for my daily birth control went off. It's the sound of an obnoxious screaming child. FML

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By LadyLump - 24/1/2010 18:12 - United States

Today, I was ecstatic after spending the night with my longtime crush, when he told me he felt something. I poured my heart and soul out to him, confessing my love for him too. Unfortunately, he was referring to a lump in my left breast, which I now need to get checked out. FML

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By FMyJob - 6/11/2015 23:59 - Australia - Ashfield

Today, despite having my 5-day-leave approved 2 months ago, my boss demanded I return to work in the middle of it. Why? She wants to go on a vacation and no one else is available at such short notice. FML

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By ydahs - 8/5/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, while in the hot tub with my friends, my gum fell out of my mouth and I had no idea where it went. Later that night I realized it had fallen down my swimsuit and had become adhered to my pubic hairs which then stuck to my underwear. FML

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Top comments

By ijrnelson | 0

#6373 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 12:11

What you got to lose! ;)

By idontcare8l | 3

#3091580 - Friday 12 August 2011 8:48

His anul virginity

COMMENTS

By ijrnelson | 0

#6373 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 12:11

What you got to lose! ;)

Reply

observesandgasps | 0

#837586 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:54

how is this an fml? 3somez are win. maybe you mean in a literal manner.

Reply

idontcare8l | 3

#3091580 - Friday 12 August 2011 8:48

His anul virginity

Reply

TheApocalypse | 5

#4606443 - Sunday 24 June 2012 4:18

Anal*

By kissmyass_fml | 0

#6382 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 12:40

WTF?shes drunk probably

Reply

stephan18 | 23

#4902324 - Thursday 6 September 2012 10:11

Or likes seeing two men kissing, OP seems to be a guy, the FML is kinda written as If it were a woman, hmm

By Zonedout | 2

#6399 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 14:11

I've had similar things happen...yay for alcohol right? seriously though if you're fine with your sexuality ad he's a good friend, why not? least its good for a laugh.

By smil3es | 0

#6405 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 14:26

What the ??

What is he and his girlfriend thinking? *shivers

By davidtheday | 0

#6414 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 15:00

Seeing as how the OP said "my best GUY friend" and that their username is "LilShawty", I'm going to guess that OP is a female.

In any case, I hope you followed through

Reply

Jess_Love | 0

#324308 - Saturday 20 June 2009 20:08

umm... OP is a guy... "by LilShawty2000 (man)" not sure if he changed it to clarify or what... ... but still... there's nothing wrong with it... i think...

Reply

jdude2913 | 0

#3592813 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 8:23

I replied to a reply

Reply

enu_vastanii__ | 9

#6020391 - Sunday 27 July 2014 5:35

Me too except I replied to a replied reply

By lameonade | 0

#6415 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 15:01

Freakin l-o-l

By Porter_fml | 0

#6417 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 15:06

People like you destroy the world :D

By holynemesis1208 | 3

#6438 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 16:05

aww how sweet they both like you. i hope you went for it.

By Elliot91_fml | 0

#6447 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 16:20

Haha! thats amazing :D

By MrAbstinence69 | 0

#6458 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 16:34

are you a guy or a girl- cus that makes all the difference in this story

Reply

charliebot | 4

#3545620 - Saturday 5 November 2011 15:58

OP is a male.

Reply

BlackCloudedSldr | 5

#3913582 - Friday 20 January 2012 10:35

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Mischief109 | 11

#4310347 - Sunday 15 April 2012 23:38

I'm assuming the blue male gender sign in the upper right corner is a small hint this is a he, not a she. You made yourself look like an asshole for calling correct people idiots. You idgit

Reply

ManiacsRose | 10

#5766285 - Sunday 24 November 2013 7:14

Bobby's right. You're an idjit

Reply

Thoricsteam20 | 24

#6294614 - Monday 18 May 2015 19:44

Ha!!!