Intimacy: Today, I went to chill with my best guy friend and his girlfriend,... - FML

By LilShawty2000 - United States

Today, I went to chill with my best guy friend and his girlfriend, whom I recently met after I moved to the area. After a few beers, my buddy leaned over and tried to make out with me. I quickly backed up and shockingly looked over at his girlfriend to expect the same reaction. She winked. FML

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Make it work

Don't hate the playa…

Heaven knows I'm miserable now…

By GottaGetOuttaHere

Today, during my yearly review, I was told by my boss that mistakes in my paperwork will be investigated by our company legal team. He also said, "Think of them as the TV or movie version of Internal Affairs" and said I would be considered "guilty until proven innocent." I can't afford to quit. FML

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By junkie - Belgium - Antwerp

Today, I hid my weed stash in a bag from an expensive jewellery store. My sister walked into my room, went "Ooh, what's this?" and grabbed the bag. I grabbed it back and ad-libbed that it was her Christmas gift. Now I actually have to buy her expensive jewellery. FML

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By Tripp

Today, I sat my mom down to tell her I was pregnant, but before I could say anything, she started to lecture me on safe sex. I don't see this ending well. FML

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By hold your horses pony boy - United States

Today, I took my car into a car wash. I guess it was a bad idea to do it with my dog in the car, because he freaked out, started scrambling around, and ended up pissing on everything, me included. FML

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By notanybetter

Today, the drummer from my favorite band threw a drumstick into the crowd during a concert. It hit me on the head and bounced into my friend's hands. She left with a drumstick from a band she didn't want to see in the first place. I left with a bruise. FML

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By AmyLeigh - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took my puppy for a walk around town. I had to stop and explain to several people that yes, his head was purple because my little sister wanted to make him look like a Na'vi from Avatar. FML

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By Unlucky - United States - Altoona

Today, my parents installed an air freshener above the toilet. While I was standing to pee, it sprayed me in the face. FML

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By Stupid - United States

Today, my manager told me to throw out some of the old toys at the daycare we work at. I can't because I've seen Toy Story 3, and thinking about them in a dump makes me cry. I'm 28. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a marriage proposal at work from a 70 year old man covered in dirt from head to toe, who offered to be my "sugar daddy." I guess I have options after all. FML

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By firsttimer69 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn't. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done. FML

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By Damn.... - United States

Today, I was given the ultimate ultimatum: either I suffer excruciating stomach pains and remain a hostage to the porcelain whirlpool goddess, or I stop taking pain medication and face the wrath of a raging infection in my jaw. FML

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By surfer - United States - New York

Today, I went surfing, got a few rides, then realized I had my phone in my pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was getting ready for my first date with a boy I really like when my dad insisted on meeting him. My dad is super protective and a cop. He cleaned his gun in front of my date and made it clear he had to be careful with me. My date started to cry when we got to the car. FML

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By IHateMyLife - 6/4/2021 00:30

Promises, promises

Today, my boyfriend promised me to cook dinner if I picked him up from work, almost 100 km and 2-hour drive. I did this even though I worked the night shift yesterday and had to today and normally have to sleep a lot. But no, after we got home, he fell asleep and was still sleeping and snoring when I had to go. FML

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By screwedupkid

Today, I sarcastically pointed out a book to my mom, titled "Living Successfully With Screwed Up People." She already has it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a job interview at a local business with the owner who was man, and the manager who was a woman. I thought I did pretty well because I heard the manager whisper so, as I was walking out. Then I heard the owner whisper "no fat chicks." FML

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By oopsididitagain - United States

Today, at the coffee shop where I work, my supervisor smelled "something weird, like sulfur." I spent the next ten minutes pretending to look for the source of the smell with her, rather than admit that it had come from me. FML

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By H-B - United States

Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Mandeville

Today, my dad read that if you pass gas from both ends at the same time it will create a vacuum inside your body and you'll implode. I can't convince him otherwise. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at dinner, my grandmother informed us that my cousin's newborn baby has been having seizures. My verbal filter did not switch on in time and I replied, "It's not a seizure if you're shaking it." FML

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By ziggers10 - United States

Today, I was proposed to, under the condition that I "get thin" first. FML

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By imsorrytimmy - United Kingdom

Today, I was on MSN with my friend and my 9 year old brother. My friend asked me for some advice about how to give a guy a good blowjob. I went into great detail, and then realised that I had typed it to the wrong window. I gave my little brother tips on how to perform fellatio. FML

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By kaitylait - Canada

Today, I told my dad I was going to the gym. He stood up and clapped. FML

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By mysterygurll1234567 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job. The reason? My boss didn't feel comfortable paying his son's girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend decided to fart in our bathtub to see if it would echo. It wasn’t a fart. FML

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By "Sarah-Louise James"

Today, I was told by one of my bridesmaids that she can't afford the travel costs to get to my wedding, after telling me that she didn't need me to organize alternate free travel for her. I'm getting married in less than two weeks. FML

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By CmS_1733 - United States - Pottsville

Today, after long day at work, I stopped by my parents' house to say hi. After 30 minutes into the visit, my dad turns to me and asks, "Did you really have to stop by while I was balls deep?" Apparently I interrupted my parents' sex time. FML

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By Bree - United States

Today, my parents got a call from my English teacher. She told them that I have 14 days of detention because I've been cutting class. I've been there every day, but apparently she never noticed me. FML

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By Pottymouth - United States

Today, I was having really bad diarrhea. I sat down on the toilet and heard a plop, thinking it was just me going to the bathroom. After I was finished, I look in the toilet to see my iPhone sitting in a pool of diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 23:01 - Germany

Clean up in aisle 3 please

Today, despite my asking her several times, my mom seems incapable of putting dog food in a bowl. She just throws it on the floor, where you step on it, slip on it, the doors get stuck on it and the tiles are now full of greasy dog food crumbs. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hassocks

Today, my best friend told me how his batshit insane girlfriend keeps questioning his sexuality and thinks we're screwing behind her back. He's so desperate for a relationship that he's decided to stop hanging out with me. Goodbye 7 years of friendship. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I went out to a restaurant with a girl I have been dating. The only conversation was about how proud she was of her fart during work earlier, and how she managed to clear out a section of the office. FML

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By Anonymous - Kazakhstan

Today, I received a text from my girlfriend to break up with me. I was upset. One minute later another text from her said "sorry, wrong person." FML

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By lostintellct - United States

Today, I had a hour long conversation with someone I apparently was friends with a few years ago. I couldn't remember who he was for the life of me, so I just played along. Finally, I told him I didn't remember him. He had the wrong number. I had a long conversation with a wrong number. FML

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By jamongrande - United States - San Francisco

Today, my roommate and I are so broke, we resorted to going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting just for the refreshments. FML

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By CollegeChef - Australia

Today, months into supporting my mum with her part time cleaning job by cooking dinner for my large family after university, I found out that she doesn't actually have a job, she just leaves the house for a few hours because she doesn't want to cook dinner. FML

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By Jeanine - United States

Today, I returned to my apartment to find everything reduced to ashes, hidden in black clouds of smoke. Turns out there was a blackout, and my fiancé lit a candle on top of a stack of all our wedding papers. When he smelled the smoke, he got hungry for a taco and left instead of calling 911. FML

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By alyssac11 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has a YouTube channel devoted to taking the camera out whenever he has to fart. FML

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By rinakitty94 - United States - Sunset

Today, my fiancé heard I was having a rotten day at work. He stopped by the flower shop and bought me a lovely rose which I put right next to my work station. That is until a giant wasp flew out and stung me. I still have a swollen arm hours later. FML

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By denae92

Great timing

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my boyfriend that I love him. We've been dating almost a year and in a few days we will be moving into the same apartment building and attending the same college. He said, "I'm sorry, I don't feel the same way." FML

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Top comments

By ijrnelson | 0

#6373 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 12:11

What you got to lose! ;)

By idontcare8l | 3

#3091580 - Friday 12 August 2011 8:48

His anul virginity

COMMENTS

By ijrnelson | 0

#6373 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 12:11

What you got to lose! ;)

Reply

observesandgasps | 0

#837586 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 9:54

how is this an fml? 3somez are win. maybe you mean in a literal manner.

Reply

idontcare8l | 3

#3091580 - Friday 12 August 2011 8:48

His anul virginity

Reply

TheApocalypse | 5

#4606443 - Sunday 24 June 2012 4:18

Anal*

By kissmyass_fml | 0

#6382 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 12:40

WTF?shes drunk probably

Reply

stephan18 | 23

#4902324 - Thursday 6 September 2012 10:11

Or likes seeing two men kissing, OP seems to be a guy, the FML is kinda written as If it were a woman, hmm

By Zonedout | 2

#6399 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 14:11

I've had similar things happen...yay for alcohol right? seriously though if you're fine with your sexuality ad he's a good friend, why not? least its good for a laugh.

By smil3es | 0

#6405 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 14:26

What the ??

What is he and his girlfriend thinking? *shivers

By davidtheday | 0

#6414 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 15:00

Seeing as how the OP said "my best GUY friend" and that their username is "LilShawty", I'm going to guess that OP is a female.

In any case, I hope you followed through

Reply

Jess_Love | 0

#324308 - Saturday 20 June 2009 20:08

umm... OP is a guy... "by LilShawty2000 (man)" not sure if he changed it to clarify or what... ... but still... there's nothing wrong with it... i think...

Reply

jdude2913 | 0

#3592813 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 8:23

I replied to a reply

Reply

enu_vastanii__ | 9

#6020391 - Sunday 27 July 2014 5:35

Me too except I replied to a replied reply

By lameonade | 0

#6415 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 15:01

Freakin l-o-l

By Porter_fml | 0

#6417 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 15:06

People like you destroy the world :D

By holynemesis1208 | 3

#6438 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 16:05

aww how sweet they both like you. i hope you went for it.

By Elliot91_fml | 0

#6447 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 16:20

Haha! thats amazing :D

By MrAbstinence69 | 0

#6458 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 16:34

are you a guy or a girl- cus that makes all the difference in this story

Reply

charliebot | 4

#3545620 - Saturday 5 November 2011 15:58

OP is a male.

Reply

BlackCloudedSldr | 5

#3913582 - Friday 20 January 2012 10:35

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Mischief109 | 11

#4310347 - Sunday 15 April 2012 23:38

I'm assuming the blue male gender sign in the upper right corner is a small hint this is a he, not a she. You made yourself look like an asshole for calling correct people idiots. You idgit

Reply

ManiacsRose | 10

#5766285 - Sunday 24 November 2013 7:14

Bobby's right. You're an idjit

Reply

Thoricsteam20 | 24

#6294614 - Monday 18 May 2015 19:44

Ha!!!