Today, I went on my first date in nearly a year. A few minutes into the meal, he called me "scrumptious" and made animal noises for the rest of it. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I went on a date with someone I considered a real catch, my potential soulmate even. He ended up telling me about his fetish for "female smells", sang loudly in Italian in a crowded restaurant, and ate most of the food on my plate. Man, fuck dating. FML
Today, I went on a first date with a guy. As soon as we sat down at the restaurant, he immediately snatched my menu and said "You're having salad." FML
Today, I went on my first date in 8 years. While we were looking at the menu, the guy said: "So if you're vegetarian, why're you so fat?" FML
Today, I went on a date for the first time in months. Over dessert, my date told a joke, and I tittered vigorously, causing me to choke and throw up all over him. FML
Today, I was on a date with this guy I just met and we went to a fancy restaurant. Halfway through the meal, there was an awkward silence, and he decided to end it by saying "You know, you chew like a cow." FML
Today, I went on a first date and tried to make a good impression by ordering something I'd never eaten before. It was a whole fish. I spent the next twenty minutes trying to figure out how to eat it without looking clueless. My date had ordered chicken nuggets. FML
Today, I went on my first date with a girl I have been infatuated with for months. At the restaurant, the waiter came while she was in the bathroom. I ordered steaks for both of us. Turns out, she is vegetarian, and doesn't like it when men are "overly aggressive." She called me a cow murderer. FML
Today, I went on a date with someone I really like. Midway through dinner, I felt something stuck in my teeth and, trying to be discreet, attempted to remove it. In the process, I flicked a piece of food across the table and it landed in his drink. He looked at it, then at me, then sighed. FML
Today, I went on my first date in six years. The guy was unbelievably creepy, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. Right after we finished eating, he told me he loved me, then tried to lean in for a kiss. He looked like he was going to cry when I turned him down. FML
Today, I was on a double date at a restaurant with two friends of mine and a guy I really liked. Things started getting really quiet so I decided to start talking to make things a little bit less awkward even though I was eating. I ended up spitting a piece of chicken across the table. FML
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Top comments
FerrariCake 2
You must be pretty hot if you can spontaneously turn a guy into an animal.
FerrariCake 2
Of course it is possible he just always makes animal noises and it has nothing to do with you. It's also possible he was really talking to his food when he said it was "scrumptious". You might be giving yourself way too much credit here.
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Comments (49)
BUDWEISER 0
But how?
FreddyLunch 0
It's Doctor Who.
VegHead13 0
And thats bad how? ; )
BUDWEISER 0
Who?
paintballer394 0
Time to cue "Ain't nothing but mammals" by the Bloodhound Gang, I think.
fckaduck 0
"The Bad Touch" by the Bloodhound Gang Sorry, had to fix that... OP, at least you're scrumptious? Can't be but so bad.
paintballer394 0
Thanks for that actually, I'd forgotten what the right name was.
premiermois 5
How beary odd of him. What a pig. Time to mooove on. He ain't nothin but a hound dog. don't worry, there are other fish in the sea. I'm sure there are plenty of other guys just lion around. Hope the next one isn't such a pussy. .. and so on.
j_rock1981 0
Even if that wasn't supposed to be funny, and just an attempt at lame puns intended to be lame I want the 3 seconds it took for me to read that back. ******* stupid.
CheshireHalli 19
I want the brainpower it took to decipher your comment back.
TheLetterZero 7
Haha... you got animal names, I got animal sounds. I think we're done here.
j_rock1981 0
Well considering it was in plain English, it's obvious that there isn't much brain power there to begin with. So I apologize for contributing to your idiocy.
premiermois 5
Hahaha. Yes it was supposed to be hilarious. ... no, it wasn't. Are you retarded? And I think I will keep those 3 seconds, since you are an ass. ... oops, was that another pun there? Sorry. I'll keep those seconds too. Damn your life sucks.
j_rock1981 0
I am not in fact retarded, but thank you for asking. It's a good thing I have somewhat of a life or I might have been offended. If you could not understand my comment, then perhaps you need to go back to school and learn the language a little better. Unless of course you are American, in which case it makes perfect sense that you are so ignorant that you don't understand 'your' language. Ass... Hilarious. You tool.
premiermois 5
You're not? Are you sure? Cause I'm fairly certain that as long as I keep responding to you you're going to keep taking it seriously and look like a fool. Maybe this is news to you, I don't know. You're getting worked up, I'm just entertained.
j_rock1981 0
I'm not worked up at all as a matter of fact. This is entertainment to me also. I do however think you are ignorant though.
trakus 0
Animal sounds huh....lets do a recap of the nights interactions shall we. "I gotta tell you, you are so scrumptious." "Aww. Why thank you." "MOOOOO....MEOWWWWWW....BARK BARK BARK SCREEEEECH..........QUACK" "You're a pig!!" "OINK!" Sorry, I'm enjoying myself a little too much.
Ashbashcrashed 0
LOL! And when the waiter asked for their orders... Weird-Animal-Guy: I'm a vegetarian!
godyourethick 0
So, did you get some?
ninjafortmaker 0
that person is awesome. i see nothing wrong with this. this should go in MLIG oreven better MLIA.
DameGreyWulf 1
Don't ruin that song for me, OP. I must forget this FML