Today, I went on a date with the world's biggest lightweight. She got blind drunk on wine before dessert, and slurred, "You look like... like a black... blueberry." Amused, I said, "You mean a blackberry?" She stared at me for several long seconds, confused, then passed out. Check please. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I went on a blind double date. My date was drunk before I got there. He kept getting my name wrong, and ended up spilling a glass of red wine down the front of my dress. FML
Today, my friends set me up on a blind date. I thought it went well, and while saying our goodbyes, I leaned in to give her a kiss. She pulled way, laughed, "I'm not drunk enough for that," and left. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. Everything was going great until I laughed so hard at one of his jokes that I snorted, choked on my drink, and accidentally slapped his face while trying to cover my mouth. We didn't order dessert. FML
Today, I went on a date with a very cute girl. It went well, until I accidentally called the blueberries in her dessert Oran Berries. I sheepishly explained that they're a berry from the Pokémon universe, at which point she excused herself, never to return. FML
Today, my date got a cold before our date and accidentally took medicine that makes you drowsy before we went out. Two glasses of red later to calm her nerves, she yelled at a waiter, threw her shoe at the chef, then passed out on the table. I’m going to marry this girl, just you watch. FML
Today, ten minutes into a blind date, my date said, "I don't mean to be rude, but... your face? It's the reason booze was invented." FML
Today, I was laying with my girlfriend on the couch. I looked at her and said, "You're so beautiful. How did I ever get you?" She replied, "I was drunk." FML
Today, I went on a first date. She got plastered within the first hour, then a song came on in the restaurant and she told me, "This song's about meeeeee." FML
Today, I went on a date with a girl. We drove separately and met at the restaurant. Over the course of two hours she drank a gallon and a half of beer, then her boyfriend picked her up because she was too drunk to drive home. FML
Today, I was at the bar with a date. My date made a joke about me being a slow drinker, so I tried to impress her by chugging the rest of my glass. She was impressed with how fast I chugged my beer, until it came back up. FML
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Top comments
Liamj774 36
She sure sounds like a keeper
Earths_Venus 25
'Check please' or 'check if she's still breathing please'?
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Comments (86)
ChildrenOfFilth 12
Next time go to a bar or club with her. Make it fun. Not embarrassing.
yerawizardlizzy 27
So she could just get drunk and pass out again, but in a different location? Still embarrassing.
Druu 53
Well, seeing as a blueberry and blackberry look nothing alike, a black blueberry makes at least a bit of sense.
PerditaDessa 38
I know a lad who gets drunk off a half a bottle of Mike's hard so if you don't want her we can set them up. Things in common and all that.
noah_1234 24
that must've been one hell of a night for you
shaunr40k 20
Sounds like someone's getting lucky
yerawizardlizzy 27
Yeah, OP! Who doesn't want to be a rapist?!
ironhead_fml 20
You lucky dog!
xaru 21
Sooooooooo…did you have sex?
j_cat187 20
rape?
yerawizardlizzy 27
You're scum if you think it's okay to take advantage of a girl like that. (Or anyone in that situation)
Frostillicus123 10
I've dated her, ort her trashy counter part. you'll want to exit stage right asap.
mld4657 28
I... just... um all I can think of is the line from wonka, I've got a blueberry for a daughter...
blueknight1st 26
This happened to me once. I lifted her head placed a $20 under it and left. I can tolerate drinking but when it goes from drinking to drunk I'm out. I don't waste my time on alcoholics.