Love: Today, ten minutes into a blind date, my date said, "I don't... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 124

You deserved it 14

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 475

You deserved it 126

19/07/2013 20:57

Today, ten minutes into a blind date, my date said, "I don't mean to be rude, but... your face? It's the reason booze was invented." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 705

You deserved it 4 801

You tried

Vulture

Walk the line

01/06/2009 10:46

Today, three women came into my work and one was wearing a shirt with a rainbow that said, "We are everywhere". I had just gotten what it was referring to and when I greeted them I ended up saying "Hi gays!" instead of the standard "Hi guys". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 961

You deserved it 51 459

30/07/2009 12:32

Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked past a few guys who shouted out to me "You're the most beautiful girl we've seen all day". My boyfriend's response was "It's still early." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 084

You deserved it 4 434

05/09/2013 23:29

Today, a soon-to-be-ex co-worker flew into a rage when she saw she wasn't on the schedule for next week. The boss told her it's because she quit. She reminded the boss she wants to keep working part-time. My new job is inventing tasks for her to do to keep her calm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 125

You deserved it 2 555

12/06/2011 23:33

Today, I was having a nice dream in which a beautiful butterfly flew by me and got stuck in my hair, fluttering its wings against my neck. Then I woke up and realized the "butterfly" stuck in my hair was actually a giant wood roach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 709

You deserved it 3 237

Oddly specific

By RowerBud - 02/07/2021 02:01

Spicy

Today, I realized I masturbate too much when I got turned on by the smell of my shampoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 289

You deserved it 762

19/07/2013 20:57

Today, ten minutes into a blind date, my date said, "I don't mean to be rude, but... your face? It's the reason booze was invented." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 705

You deserved it 4 801

14/05/2019 14:00

Today, I spent 4 hours making a cheesecake for my brother's girlfriend, which she begged me for a week to make. After my oven breaking and having to buy a new hand mixer, she tells me she's not going to eat it because this morning she decided to try being a vegan because, "it sounds interesting." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 171

You deserved it 183

12/02/2011 16:52

Today, I made the discovery that I'm in a true love triangle; both of my girlfriends are dating one another. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 669

You deserved it 69 340

02/03/2013 14:14

Today, to avoid a massive delay on our scheduled flight at the airport, we were generously moved to an earlier flight home. An hour later, our new flight had been cancelled and they told us we'd be stuck at the airport overnight. Our original flight took off fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 117

You deserved it 3 695

18/12/2016 06:10

Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 659

You deserved it 2 825

06/11/2015 23:05

Today, my mother dragged me to the mall to get me out of the house and to get me to stop using my phone. She then spent the whole trip talking on her phone instead of actually interacting with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 854

You deserved it 2 338

01/01/2010 14:13

Today, I came home from a new years party wearing a shower curtain and nothing else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 787

You deserved it 41 830

Control freak

By Anonymous - 09/10/2019 13:00

Today, after over a month of planning, my friend had to cancel her first night out in over a year. Why? Because her "perfect" fiancé didn't want to, and started sulking when she tried to, so decided to put off letting her go out for a few more months. Apparently, it's my fault this happens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 556

You deserved it 133

14/03/2010 09:09

Today, I learnt that the people I work with dislike me so much that they have a competition to see who can accidentally hurt me the most. How did I find out? A chef poured boiling water over my hands, and another shouted "50 POINTS!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 259

You deserved it 6 713

16/05/2012 10:45

Today, I fell into a hole. And by hole, I mean a sewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 453

You deserved it 3 139

Selfish

By Anonymous - 31/01/2020 18:00

Today, I found out that the reason I hadn't gotten pregnant yet was because my husband had a vasectomy after the birth of his son. He even had the nerve to continously tell me, "it'll happen soon, baby" and let me believe we were trying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 492

You deserved it 419

25/05/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, my husband and I mutually discovered that we are both infected with pubic lice. How? I found his and he found mine while we were in the middle of 69-ing each other. So, so gross. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 356

You deserved it 1 553

20/01/2017 16:00

Today, I got back home after traveling in internet-scarce areas. The first thing I did when I got a solid connection was withdraw from a study abroad program I couldn't afford. Later I found the email telling me that I had been offered an all-expenses-paid scholarship. Too bad I'm not going now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 959

You deserved it 1 936

10/03/2011 21:42

Today, my girlfriend haltingly dumped me over the phone. Faint splashes punctuated her grunting, straining sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 406

You deserved it 4 005

16/06/2013 15:46

Today, my dad came home from a trip to Arizona and brought back special hand-picked gifts for the whole family. When he got to me, he smiled, and pulled out a free lotion from the hotel at which he was staying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 920

You deserved it 3 802

02/10/2010 14:26

Today, the girl my ex-boyfriend cheated on me with had a job interview at my place of work. If she gets the job, she'll be my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 669

You deserved it 2 961

13/11/2010 06:24

Today, I tripped on a step that said "Watch your step." Two hours later, I hit my head on a sign that said "Mind your head." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 471

You deserved it 14 660

17/02/2017 16:00

Spicy

Today, my roommate told me that when he takes a shower he likes to swipe the bar of soap in between his butt cheeks, "like a credit card." I use that soap on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 735

You deserved it 1 605

11/06/2011 11:12

Today, my five year old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 016

You deserved it 7 802

28/11/2010 20:03

Today, my friend peed her pants while we were sledding. I could feel it trickling down into my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 436

You deserved it 2 907

Grow up

By Anonymous - 27/07/2021 07:02

Today, my son rejected a job offer because it interferes with the streaming schedule of some Twitch dirtbag. He's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 903

You deserved it 170

07/10/2009 23:12

Today, I found out that the student tutor my son advised me to hire was my son's girlfriend. I have been paying her $20 an hour for the last 3 weeks to make out with my son in his room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 228

You deserved it 16 725

07/09/2010 19:16

Today, 50,000 copies of the new edition of the town's phone book came out. I manage a pizza place and bought a full menu ad. Apparently the ad designer got confused, as they placed my cell phone number in huge bold letters at the bottom of the ad instead of the store's phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 454

You deserved it 3 660

Caught in 4K

By Evil_Egbert - 12/02/2009 11:54

Spicy

Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 871

You deserved it 54 175

Mask off

By Anonymous - 09/04/2020 20:00

Today, I found out that the guy I've been dating for a year is and always has been gay. I was apparently "an amazingly convenient beard" for his ultra-religious family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 834

You deserved it 169

27/02/2012 12:29

Today, I woke up with the worst vaginal itching and swelling. I then find out it was brought on by my boyfriend's cheap brand of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 981

You deserved it 3 743

19/11/2008 08:00

Today, I went to work 300 miles away from where I live. I couldn't find my customer's address, so I decided to call him. I'd picked up my wireless house phone instead of my mobile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 305

You deserved it 9 583

06/07/2011 17:06

Today, I went out drinking with my friends. Being safe as we were a little intoxicated, we took a taxi back. The cab driver was also drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 779

You deserved it 4 603

Compassionate

By Anonymous - 25/01/2021 12:01

Today, I tried to speak to my wife about my feelings for this coming year, family and work. I thought it wouldn't be a problem as I regularly listen and support her with her feelings, emotional issues, anxiety, depression, etc. She shut me down in 30 seconds and said to stop acting like my mother and being so stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 185

You deserved it 85

06/10/2012 23:04

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend texted one of her male friends, saying she's turned off by the thought of sex with me. She suggested a bit of "exercise sex" with him. I'm sure he would have eagerly agreed, if he'd been the one receiving the texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 804

You deserved it 2 799

19/11/2008 04:58

Spicy

Today, I was making love with my girlfriend and my landline rang. Obviously, I let it go to voicemail. At the very moment I was about to cum, I heard my mum's voice on my voicemail: "Hi sweetheart!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 926

You deserved it 4 889

07/12/2012 04:49

Today, my daughter finally gave birth to twin boys. She informed me that she named them Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck. My grandsons are named after Hobbits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 199

You deserved it 6 256

30/06/2016 23:42

Today, I sent my boyfriend a selfie where I used the Snapchat face-swap to put my best friend's face on mine. My boyfriend didn't notice and texted back, 'Wow, so beautiful!' FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 194

You deserved it 3 278

02/08/2012 13:00

Today, my girlfriend opened my refrigerator and began her standard moan: "You're a pig, you never clean up. Look at that egg, it makes me want to throw up, it's gone black, it’s covered in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to check it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 015

You deserved it 3 973

19/04/2009 02:44

Today, I bought a brand new flat screen TV. When I brought it home it didn't work. Furious, I walked into Best Buy and yelled at a guy in a tucked in blue polo and khakis. I asked him why it didn't work and he said he didn't know. I kept screaming. He didn't have a nametag. He didn't work there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 777

You deserved it 130 186

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Top comments

AbstraktThoughts 13

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:24

That's when you kick him in the balls and tell him that's how men lose the ability to have children.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:26

That's where you say, "your face is the reason plastic surgery was invented."

Comments

AbstraktThoughts 13

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:24

That's when you kick him in the balls and tell him that's how men lose the ability to have children.

firefighter925 18

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:00

Well he sounds like a keeper! when is date number two? -_- haha

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:06

That's the reason balls were invented. :p

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:46

Why is everyone assuming the OP is a woman?

omgthisisgay 10

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:51

44, nobody is assuming. The sign for "female" is next to her name.

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Saturday 20 July 2013 7:33

What does it even matter, 44? Damn, are people just trying to make every little comment seem sexist? You're making it worse rather than helping your cause, dumbass.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 7:39

That's too harsh, in the 50s that kind of rudeness wasn't tolerated

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Saturday 20 July 2013 14:03

...and risk getting charged with assault?

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Sunday 21 July 2013 9:51

She should tell him, I I don't mean to be rude, but your dick is the reason Viagra was invented.

gmian 33

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:25

What a rude pig. I'm sorry, OP. I hope that's the last of him you saw.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:38

Hopefully OP left him with the tab

firefighter925 18

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:01

Well knowing women she's probably gonna fall in love with him

botanistjessica 24

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:15

Who in their right mind would take this as a love connection, 25?

fluffycatsdad 33

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:22

With an attitude like that, the only women you can possibly know are those you have to pay for. If I were female, I certainly wouldn't want to spend any time in your company without financial reward.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 7:42

At least he was complimenting her body. Still rude as fuck though.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 14:30

Where does it say that he complimented her?

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Saturday 20 July 2013 14:58

How in the hell is being told "your face is the reason booze was created" a compliment? FFS, I wouldn't want to go on a date with you.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:26

That's where you say, "your face is the reason plastic surgery was invented."

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:21

Or paper bags.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 7:07

Double brown bag special. Just in case theirs falls off, you still have yours.

Dracoboxer357 35

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Saturday 20 July 2013 16:10

"Yeah....your balls? That's the reason steel toed boots were invented." *Insert foot to crotch at high velocity with a continuing rate of acceleration* ;p What a shallow, rude jerk. How hard is it to polite, and just enjoy an evening out with someone that you aren't immediately sexually attracted to? You already set the time aside to do that anyways, and its not like you're oblidged to have a second date if things don't turn out....just go with it! :p

MzZombicidal 36

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:26

What an asshole! Tell him his personality is the reason Ambien was invented.

chlorinegreen 27

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Saturday 20 July 2013 11:41

What do you need ambien for? Listen to him for 2 seconds and you're out.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:29

Bitch slap him back to Bangkok.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:37

Then bang his cock. With your fist.

patrickalamo 47

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:29

And these boots where made for walking... I hope you did not stay to hear another word.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:13

"you have girlfriend? Korea?"

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:30

"I don't mean to be rude, but.. *slap*"

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:30

Wow I'm really sorry, that's a big asshole.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:34

*gapeing

icanthandlethis 4

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Saturday 20 July 2013 7:54

*drop the 'e' add 'ing'

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Saturday 20 July 2013 9:05

56- does it have the same meaning as what I'm tryin to say? I thought "gaping" would be from "gap" so for "gape" I kept the e

DKjazz 20

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Saturday 20 July 2013 12:14

That would be "gapping". But gap is a noun. :

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Saturday 20 July 2013 14:13

Ok, but what does "gap' being a noun have to do with anything?? 0_o

Dracoboxer357 35

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Saturday 20 July 2013 16:16

77- Parallel example: Tape. Taping. I'm taping up a box. Tap. Tapping. I'm tapping your sister. :) See? :) No confusion there. ;)

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Sunday 21 July 2013 7:00

84- Thanks, good thing I don't have a sister. I learned something new today!

hannahsnyder69 16

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:31

Then turn to him and say didn't they invent prostitutes for low life scumbag jerks like you?

fluffycatsdad 33

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:17

Any prostitute is too good for this jackhole.

JustAGirlOnFML 11

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:32

Tell him it's also helps guys with tiny penises.