Love: Today, ten minutes into a blind date, my date said, "I don't... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 335

You deserved it 88

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 135

You deserved it 1 191

19/07/2013 20:57

Today, ten minutes into a blind date, my date said, "I don't mean to be rude, but... your face? It's the reason booze was invented." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 704

You deserved it 4 801

This Charming Man

Walk on the wild side

Empathy lives

09/05/2009 14:48

Today, I decided I would eat healthy in order to lose weight. Feeling powerful, I threw away all of the icecream in my freezer. An hour later, I picked the icecream carton out of the garbage and ate the entire half-melted carton. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 394

You deserved it 119 027

16/06/2018 20:30

Today, it's the 11th day of my migraine. I've drunk enough water to piss crystal clear, eaten every type of food there is, slept for days, and tried every remedy in my medicine cabinet. Nothing made a dent in the splitting pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 824

You deserved it 257

17/05/2009 04:20

Today, my friend Kate and I were helping build a playground. Halfway through, a construction worker asks where we go to school. I told him we graduated and proudly held degrees in psych. The construction worker stopped mid-dig, glanced at us sadly and said, "yeah that's what my degree's in too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 211

You deserved it 8 782

17/10/2011 05:44

Spicy

Today, I had to sit on the bus next to a creepy guy. He began pestering me with overly-sexual statements, and finally I told him I had a boyfriend. He responded with "Tell me his name so I can track him down, kill him, and hopefully take his place." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 784

You deserved it 4 047

19/09/2012 06:24

Spicy

Today, I was talking on the phone with my crush. After an hour of talking she told me, "If you were half as hot as you sound over the phone, I'd date you immediately." Maybe I should give up on love and start a phone sex line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 238

You deserved it 2 693

25/11/2014 16:13

Today, a group of protesters set up just outside my residence hall at one in the morning. After an hour of chanting, the police finally told them to stop, and I was finally able to get some sleep. The protesters responded by pulling the fire alarm in every residence hall on campus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 635

You deserved it 3 012

22/09/2013 13:57

Today, my dad and I had a yelling match about me "lying", because I was unable to contact iTunes support without a phone number. To prove a point, he went online to find the phone number. It's been an hour and he's still searching for the number. I can't leave the table until he has found it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 082

You deserved it 3 509

01/05/2009 21:07

Today, I forgot my inhaler. I had an asthma attack and had to go to the ER. The doctors told me it wasn't an asthma attack. It was just a panic attack from worrying about whether I would get an asthma attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 779

You deserved it 18 314

Can't win

By Billie - 04/02/2021 00:01

Today, my boyfriend was tidying up around the room. I asked him if he'd like me to help, to which he responded, "No, I don't need any help," then added, "Wish you weren't so lazy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 755

You deserved it 209

22/08/2010 13:42

Today, after struggling with an eating disorder and hiding my symptoms for months, I got up the courage to tell my mom that I need help. Then she asked if an ice cream would make me feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 592

You deserved it 5 810

25/04/2016 05:07

Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend chuckling to himself. Turns out he had just clogged the toilet. When he called maintenance, halfway through explaining the problem he started hysterically giggling and had to hang up mid-sentence. This has been a reoccurring theme. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 159

You deserved it 1 509

24/02/2010 19:43

Today, I spilled a glass of iced tea all over my desk. It trickled down the wall and fried an extension cord. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 676

You deserved it 9 305

05/11/2009 10:25

Spicy

Today, I've had no sleep. Why? Because my housemate has a new girlfriend and the walls are too thin. After round three of them shagging, I was exhausted from holding my breath each time the new girlfriend screamed. I also realised that was the closest I'd been to sex in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 430

You deserved it 3 367

07/05/2013 03:27

Spicy

Today, after spending a week defending my marriage to everyone, I found out my husband has an addiction I never knew about. Hookers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 931

You deserved it 7 120

02/05/2017 17:00

Today, I fainted in the lunch line at school due to extreme period cramps, and ended up having to get seven stitches on my face. This is the third time I've fainted because of my period this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 450

You deserved it 508

12/07/2018 12:30

Today, I found out that my roommate of 4 years is sleeping with my ex of 7 years. Yesterday, she showed up to court as a witness for him and lied on the stand to try to get the protection order dropped. She's on the lease, so I have to live with this snake for 2 more months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 249

You deserved it 273

24/05/2019 12:02

Today, I was having a cigarette in a smoking area when a mother with a pram strode towards me and exaggerated a cough to make some sort of point. Reluctantly, I put it out and walked off. I then turned around to see her lighting up a cigarette, and blowing smoke all over her baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 839

You deserved it 268

27/05/2013 04:05

Today, as I was lying on my bed with one of my arms hanging from the side, I felt something sniff my hand from underneath. I don't have any pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 620

You deserved it 4 375

18/01/2009 21:50

Today, I stepped in dog shit, barefoot, in my own bathroom. The dog had been outside for two hours earlier, and I'd watched him take a dump. Apparently he was saving some for when he got back in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 031

You deserved it 2 393

Targeted

By Anonymous - 08/09/2020 10:01

Today, the neighbor's dog has been barking for over 5 hours. It is barking directly at my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 248

You deserved it 88

Fashion accessory

By Anonymous - 13/08/2021 06:01

Today, I got ready for work in the dark, and it was noon before someone told me that I had one of my wife's pantyliners stuck to the back of my pants. I'd just given a presentation to 80 people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 817

You deserved it 149

23/10/2012 22:47

Today, I realized I'm so desperate for money that I started to watch Breaking Bad to learn how to make meth. I stopped, not because I decided it was a bad idea, but because it looks too hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 075

You deserved it 29 446

18/12/2015 08:33

Today, I didn't secure my friend's wheelchair well enough to my car roof before giving him a ride. It flew off mid-drive and we still haven't found it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 936

You deserved it 7 136

24/09/2015 23:31

Today, I caught my husband and the cat licking the butter together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 196

You deserved it 2 278

07/05/2011 06:08

Spicy

Today, having turned 18, I was eager to show my mother some of the clothes I'd like to purchase with my birthday money. I flipped my laptop open only to realise I had left a "Big Latina Booty gets a fat one" window open. Her howling screams of pleasure echoed through my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 483

You deserved it 62 174

14/05/2009 14:17

Today, I scored two prime baseball tickets from a supplier at work. I phoned my dad to tell him the good news. He said that's great, my brother and him would love to see the game. I said, no, I'm taking you to the game. He told me I was being selfish and hung up the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 626

You deserved it 3 056

12/07/2019 02:00

Today, I figured out my boyfriend gets out of jail in less than six months. First off, I have a boyfriend in jail. Second, I also realized I'd much prefer he stay in than get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 909

You deserved it 1 801

I'm not a kid

By Babyface - 02/09/2021 20:01

Today, I've come to accept that I'll likely never be intimidating or taken seriously, because despite being 6'3" and 205 lbs, I have the face of a 12 year-old. I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 105

08/10/2011 04:49

Today, I found out the people I babysit for have a nanny cam. Problem is, when I'm there, I act out scenarios in which I have the sweetest boyfriend. I also say his parts out loud in a man's voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 302

You deserved it 45 188

22/07/2009 22:05

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her parents seemed upset, so I tried to lighten the mood by saying, "Hey, at least the weekend is coming up and you guys won't have to go in for work." Apparently, they were upset because they both got laid off from their jobs today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 455

You deserved it 8 416

25/07/2011 19:24

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly nice guy I met online. He was drunk when I got there. Within the first 10 minutes, he had told me I was "like Hitler but with boobs", and I was "offensive to the ninja community." Then he said I just wasn't all he had hoped for and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 978

You deserved it 7 774

14/11/2009 18:38

Today, I asked a girl I like out. She ended up having an asthma attack because she was laughing so hard. I guess that's a no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 644

You deserved it 2 888

07/02/2011 18:04

Today, I had no choice but to shake the hand of a customer, who just moments before, had the aforementioned hand down the front of his pants, scratching his snowglobes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 785

You deserved it 3 723

29/11/2011 17:21

Today, I discovered that you should always unplug the electric mixer before licking the beaters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 339

You deserved it 66 125

29/08/2012 19:19

Today, while I was at work, a coworker began ranting about his theory that the government is going to create a disease that sterilises everyone, and use the antidote to control the population. I was just trying to take a crap in the stall next to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 808

You deserved it 1 889

09/08/2015 01:23

Today, at Walmart, a lady came up to me and informed me that I "look like the kinda skank that'd give it up on the first date". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 458

You deserved it 3 145

31/12/2014 19:39

Today, I went to a club to celebrate New Year's Eve. A cute guy came up to me at the bar and asked my name. I thought my 8 year long dry spell was finally about to end. I smiled and said "Chrissy!" He said "That's a whore's name!" and wandered back off into the crowd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 444

You deserved it 3 541

27/08/2011 16:09

Spicy

Today, I noticed how big my brother's package is. If it hadn't been for the fact that my family has taken up walking around naked half the day, I never would have had to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 131

You deserved it 4 152

16/01/2012 08:19

Today, I had to explain to my 65-year-old mother that it is inappropriate for her to walk around in front of me in her underwear. Her response? "Too bad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 793

You deserved it 13 657

What is the real feeling?

By Anonymous - 06/11/2019 05:15

Today, my friends and I were acting out porn scenes without sex. Then, I realized that we all watch too much porn, and we are still all virgins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 830

You deserved it 2 327

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Top comments

AbstraktThoughts 13

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:24

That's when you kick him in the balls and tell him that's how men lose the ability to have children.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:26

That's where you say, "your face is the reason plastic surgery was invented."

Comments

AbstraktThoughts 13

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:24

That's when you kick him in the balls and tell him that's how men lose the ability to have children.

firefighter925 18

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:00

Well he sounds like a keeper! when is date number two? -_- haha

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:06

That's the reason balls were invented. :p

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:46

Why is everyone assuming the OP is a woman?

omgthisisgay 10

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:51

44, nobody is assuming. The sign for "female" is next to her name.

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Saturday 20 July 2013 7:33

What does it even matter, 44? Damn, are people just trying to make every little comment seem sexist? You're making it worse rather than helping your cause, dumbass.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 7:39

That's too harsh, in the 50s that kind of rudeness wasn't tolerated

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Saturday 20 July 2013 14:03

...and risk getting charged with assault?

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Sunday 21 July 2013 9:51

She should tell him, I I don't mean to be rude, but your dick is the reason Viagra was invented.

gmian 33

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:25

What a rude pig. I'm sorry, OP. I hope that's the last of him you saw.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:38

Hopefully OP left him with the tab

firefighter925 18

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:01

Well knowing women she's probably gonna fall in love with him

botanistjessica 24

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:15

Who in their right mind would take this as a love connection, 25?

fluffycatsdad 33

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:22

With an attitude like that, the only women you can possibly know are those you have to pay for. If I were female, I certainly wouldn't want to spend any time in your company without financial reward.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 7:42

At least he was complimenting her body. Still rude as fuck though.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 14:30

Where does it say that he complimented her?

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Saturday 20 July 2013 14:58

How in the hell is being told "your face is the reason booze was created" a compliment? FFS, I wouldn't want to go on a date with you.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:26

That's where you say, "your face is the reason plastic surgery was invented."

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:21

Or paper bags.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 7:07

Double brown bag special. Just in case theirs falls off, you still have yours.

Dracoboxer357 35

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Saturday 20 July 2013 16:10

"Yeah....your balls? That's the reason steel toed boots were invented." *Insert foot to crotch at high velocity with a continuing rate of acceleration* ;p What a shallow, rude jerk. How hard is it to polite, and just enjoy an evening out with someone that you aren't immediately sexually attracted to? You already set the time aside to do that anyways, and its not like you're oblidged to have a second date if things don't turn out....just go with it! :p

MzZombicidal 36

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:26

What an asshole! Tell him his personality is the reason Ambien was invented.

chlorinegreen 27

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Saturday 20 July 2013 11:41

What do you need ambien for? Listen to him for 2 seconds and you're out.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:29

Bitch slap him back to Bangkok.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:37

Then bang his cock. With your fist.

patrickalamo 47

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:29

And these boots where made for walking... I hope you did not stay to hear another word.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:13

"you have girlfriend? Korea?"

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:30

"I don't mean to be rude, but.. *slap*"

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:30

Wow I'm really sorry, that's a big asshole.

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:34

*gapeing

icanthandlethis 4

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Saturday 20 July 2013 7:54

*drop the 'e' add 'ing'

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Saturday 20 July 2013 9:05

56- does it have the same meaning as what I'm tryin to say? I thought "gaping" would be from "gap" so for "gape" I kept the e

DKjazz 20

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Saturday 20 July 2013 12:14

That would be "gapping". But gap is a noun. :

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Saturday 20 July 2013 14:13

Ok, but what does "gap' being a noun have to do with anything?? 0_o

Dracoboxer357 35

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Saturday 20 July 2013 16:16

77- Parallel example: Tape. Taping. I'm taping up a box. Tap. Tapping. I'm tapping your sister. :) See? :) No confusion there. ;)

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Sunday 21 July 2013 7:00

84- Thanks, good thing I don't have a sister. I learned something new today!

hannahsnyder69 16

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:31

Then turn to him and say didn't they invent prostitutes for low life scumbag jerks like you?

fluffycatsdad 33

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Saturday 20 July 2013 6:17

Any prostitute is too good for this jackhole.

JustAGirlOnFML 11

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Saturday 20 July 2013 5:32

Tell him it's also helps guys with tiny penises.