Love and Health: Today, I went on a coffee date. It turned out to be a mistake...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 458

You deserved it 121

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 188

You deserved it 1 603

24/10/2018 12:00

Today, I went on a coffee date. It turned out to be a mistake - not because he was bad, but because I forgot how much coffee upsets my stomach. Yup, it makes me need to poop, and I did. In my jeans. As he drove me home. Not quite the "run" of fun we’d planned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 652

You deserved it 685

Love Health

Sorry…

Batman

Commando

14/12/2012 00:51

Today, I saw a photo on Instagram of my friend flipping the camera the bird. She'd tagged it under "irony", so I jokingly suggested that she borrow a dictionary. She responded with a tirade of abuse, claimed to be sleeping with my boyfriend, and blocked me an hour later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 492

You deserved it 3 665

25/03/2015 13:10

Today, a coworker jokingly noted that my signature looks like "Pedo". I couldn't see it that way, so I asked some other people for their opinion. They confessed they'd always thought it looked like "Pedo", but never said anything. My name is Peele. I've been signing it off as Pedo for 10 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 923

You deserved it 3 695

23/06/2015 03:13

Today, I attended my best friend's wedding. Instead of throwing her bouquet, she turned around and handed it to me. I was the only single lady out of 150 guests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 292

You deserved it 2 630

10/05/2016 02:27

Today, I took my dogs to the park and sat in the grass while they played. Within the first half hour two male dogs peed on my back. The first owner apologized and gave me a wipe to clean up while the second one had the nerve to tell me "this is why I bring a chair" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 748

You deserved it 1 461

14/07/2014 23:48

Today, while eating dinner with my boyfriend, I look up to see him staring at me, smiling. Hoping he wanted to say how lucky of a man he was who loved me deeply, I asked him what he was thinking. He replied, "You can't smell that yet? It was a noxious one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 785

You deserved it 6 618

01/12/2010 08:30

Today, my cute coworker begged me to cover his shift tomorrow, and told me that he wanted to take me to dinner to make up for it. I was very excited because I've been crushing on him for a long time. I later overheard him tell his friend that he didn't plan on showing up for our dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 706

You deserved it 3 715

03/10/2010 07:40

Today, I went over to my friend's house. Her 5 year old son answered the door and when he saw me said, 'oh great, it's YOU' and slammed the door in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 519

You deserved it 4 928

Too late

By Anonymous - 01/03/2015 13:31

Today, while on the train heading to my new job, my coat caught between two seats. I didn't notice until my stop. I whacked myself in the face in front of everyone trying to get it free, and ended up missing my stop. When I finally got to work, I was told not to bother coming in again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 307

You deserved it 2 776

11/11/2013 17:20

Today, my wife and I were watching Killing Kennedy. Jokingly, I said, "Spoiler alert: he dies." She threw a book at me and won't talk to me. I think she's serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 334

You deserved it 7 579

test light

By BubbaYoshi117 - 07/01/2020 20:00

Today, I was refilling my lighter. Afterwards, I gave it a test light. I must have spilled some fluid because my thumb caught on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 371

You deserved it 1 198

08/03/2010 09:37

Today, I let my boyfriend drive my car, knowing that he doesn't have a license. While he was out, he ran a stop sign, collided with another vehicle, and then left the scene of the accident. Then he lied to me about how the accident happened so I "wouldn't be so upset." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 620

You deserved it 52 155

31/05/2011 05:50

Today, I read my university's newsletter. Apparently we're starting up a "buddy" system for international students. I'm signing up, because this will help me complete my goal of making my first friend at university. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 949

You deserved it 5 657

10/02/2012 05:40

Today, I was making out with a girl who I've had a crush on for a while now. It was all going fine until one of my teeth decided to dislodge itself. She promptly spat out the tooth and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 491

You deserved it 7 459

09/07/2012 15:44

Today, I left my sunroof on my truck open for 5 minutes while I ran into the bank. When I came out a seagull had gotten into my truck. I managed to open the doors and get it out but not before it tore up a seat and pooped everywhere inside my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 622

You deserved it 7 420

Smile like you mean it

By sad - 24/08/2021 08:01

Today, I was feeling sad and depressed at work, when a customer said, “Smile. It’s nice and sunny outside.” Sunny weather makes me depressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 489

You deserved it 566

27/08/2016 07:33

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't stuck rooming together for the rest of a semester that hasn't even started yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 852

You deserved it 1 445

08/08/2019 08:01

Today, I finally had a phone call after a week of nothing. It was my mother. It was an accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 438

You deserved it 226

20/04/2013 00:16

Today, my boss made me give a presentation to several senior company officials about the serious financial losses our division has made this year. Barely an hour later, my boss had palmed all the blame off onto me and gotten me fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 723

You deserved it 3 369

27/05/2012 16:06

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I've been working on a novel for the past six months, and what would have been mid-way through, I accidentally said the main character's name instead of my boyfriend's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 488

You deserved it 16 842

31/01/2017 20:00

Today, a woman came into my life and took all I had left in the world. The woman was my hair stylist. She took my hair and the last of my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 757

You deserved it 1 701

05/03/2014 00:09

Today, my mother asked me why her new airsoft gun wasn't working. I explained to her that it doesn't actually shoot air, it requires pellets too. She looked at me like I was too stupid to be her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 718

You deserved it 3 308

09/07/2015 20:41

Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 332

You deserved it 3 646

15/08/2009 23:42

Today, at a family gathering, my aunt asked me when I was planning to have children. I'm only 16, I laughed and said not for a while, definitely not until I get married. My family shook their heads, and ignored me for the rest of the day. Apparently, teenage pregnancy is valued in my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 110

You deserved it 3 264

04/04/2015 18:23

Today, my boyfriend made me breakfast because I had a cold. Because my nose was so stuffed, I couldn't tell that our milk had gone bad. I had two cups. And now I'm stuck on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 051

You deserved it 3 476

27/06/2019 20:00

Today, I found some cookies on my bed and got so excited that I kneed myself in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 125

You deserved it 700

02/12/2009 19:09

Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was done, I closed my zipper on my foreskin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 982

You deserved it 8 690

13/09/2016 11:22

Today, I was on a business trip with a co-worker. We had to wait for the train, so I decided to browse a store in the train station while he waited outside. I then got a message on my cell phone, from my co-worker saying, "You are somewhere on this train, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 539

You deserved it 5 261

02/04/2009 00:36

Today, I was playing in a basketball game and blocked this kid's shot. I was really pumped up about it until I realized the kid had cerebral palsy and the coach put him on the team because he really wanted to be on at least one team in his life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 542

You deserved it 54 757

27/07/2009 07:32

Today, I found out that my brother was selling pictures of me showering. For what? World of Warcraft money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 702

You deserved it 4 847

13/08/2010 02:21

Today, while at work at a new job, my brother comes and takes my car. Along with all my money, my phone, and whatever else I had in my purse. His message to me through one of my co-workers was "walk home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 374

You deserved it 3 482

06/12/2018 17:30

Today, I found out my school's financial aid had a "misunderstanding" of my finances, I can no longer afford to pay half of my bills or pay for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 642

You deserved it 152

No, Drake, no

By dumb cats - 24/10/2020 05:01

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking near a pond when we saw a drake forcefully mating with a duck. She burst into tears and demanded I stop them. When I told her no, that it’s just nature and thats how they breed, she dumped me for supporting and "enabling rape." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 513

You deserved it 622

14/01/2013 18:34

Today, I felt like going to the gym. I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to come with me. She screamed at me for supposedly implying that she's fat. No, I just wanted to go to the gym with someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 975

You deserved it 7 280

Seventh heaven

By Egyptian ToyBoy - 17/12/2019 20:00

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She had such an uncontrollable aggressive orgasm. I'd celebrate my efforts only if she didn't knock over my new expensive laptop, when then split in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 774

You deserved it 432

All kinds of wrong

By Anonymous - 16/06/2020 14:01

Today, while at my friend's house, she had to leave the room for a few minutes. Her dad then put me in a headlock and told me that I had "better treat his daughter right if I ever wanted to walk again," because she's in love with me. Then he left. I'm a gay guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 660

You deserved it 163

19/06/2019 12:23

Today, I found out my 15-year-old cat is having gas problems when she farted in my face. My mouth was open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 476

You deserved it 290

01/05/2014 21:29

Today, my boyfriend told me he wanted to drive to India. Thinking he meant Indiana, I said sure, knowing I have friends there. He said, "Bangladesh, India, here we come!" He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 976

You deserved it 7 201

14/03/2014 03:36

Today, my boyfriend asked me if we were going to become "that stupid couple that sings cheesy songs to each other." I just spent the past 3 months writing the perfect song that I was planning on singing to him tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 426

You deserved it 8 143

Poor little bunny

By Anonymous - 30/06/2021 04:01

Today, after I warned my son repeatedly that if he wanted a rabbit he had to clean and feed it, I checked on it. It wasn’t just dead, it was dead and rotting in a pool of its own pee and faeces. I yelled at him, but he just shrugged and told me rabbits are boring and he forgot it was even there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 529

You deserved it 1 782

Bad timing

By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 17:01

Today, someone screwed up the roller door at work, so I had to fix it. After doing so and leaving work late, I get home to find out my dog of 14 years had to be put down. If the door didn't need fixing, I would've been able to say goodbye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 244

You deserved it 55

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Top comments

julfunky 29

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Wednesday 24 October 2018 12:46

How do you “forget” that a specific beverage makes you poop?

Amy78_fml 11

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Wednesday 24 October 2018 12:43

I'm sure you could have chosen hot chocolate.

Comments

Amy78_fml 11

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Wednesday 24 October 2018 12:43

I'm sure you could have chosen hot chocolate.

Taurus_ChicKa 36

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Sunday 28 October 2018 17:53

Sounds to me like hot chocolate chose her!

julfunky 29

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Wednesday 24 October 2018 12:46

How do you “forget” that a specific beverage makes you poop?

Phillycheeze 20

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Wednesday 24 October 2018 12:49

Oh man.... No second date?

Deez_Knots 10

Wednesday 24 October 2018 13:50

I feel bad. Maybe he’ll understand

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Wednesday 24 October 2018 14:45

"You'd forget your head if it wasn't attached." - Every mom ever.

WHSKitty4ever 23

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Wednesday 24 October 2018 16:09

TMI… disgusting

ciph3r 9

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Wednesday 24 October 2018 17:20

At least you can be assured your next date will be less crappy.

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 24 October 2018 17:54

Some guys pay extra for that.

Abbusser 10

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Wednesday 24 October 2018 20:31

So you admit, it WAS fun?

draghkar 16

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Thursday 25 October 2018 18:48

If he calls back, he’s the one!