Today, I was with my friends at Burger King. While we were eating,... - FML

By stephiexbabexx - 15/1/2010 21:27 - United States

Today, I was with my friends at Burger King. While we were eating, I placed my cellphone on the tray, not realising that I'd left it there until after I emptied my tray into the bin. When I got it out of the trash, it was covered in soggy, sticky garbage. FML

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Dad jokes, part 43884

Who's a good boy?

Yappy neighborhood

By liz - 16/7/2010 19:45 - United States

Today, my 23-year old boyfriend is not talking to me because I bought the regular kind of macaroni and cheese instead of the cartoon kind. FML

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By shamed - 5/11/2011 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my father met my boyfriend for the first time at dinner. The only thing he said to him the whole evening was, "Are you circumcised?" FML

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By Explicit - 13/1/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech in front of my class and during my speech I had to say the words "But six"; however, because of my accent it sounded like "Butt sex". For the remainder of the day I was frequently asked about "Butt sex". FML

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By gRRRrr - 1/4/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. We're currently sharing a room on a cruise ship. FML

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By Perdedor - 7/1/2009 21:54 - United States

Today, my boss called me in to tell me I had got a raise. I bought a $1500 Chanel bag. Two hours later he called me in to tell me he was kidding. FML

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By mustanggt - 10/7/2012 15:39 - United States - La Porte

Today, I was in traffic court trying to get out of a ticket. The judge called my defense "complete, unadulterated bullshit." FML

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By Pill popping zit monster - 23/12/2016 04:16

Today, my period has given to me 4 giant zits, 3 screaming shits, 2 stomach ulcers, and a fever blister on my lips. A few days until Christmas and the gifts keep coming. FML

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By nitrok - 8/6/2017 22:00

Today, I started driving with Lyft to fill the time until my new job starts next month. On my very first fare, my car died. FML

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By negin - 22/3/2011 07:23

Today, my neighbors got a rooster. FML

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By gazza - 26/5/2012 20:41 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, in the middle of a localised drought, and an accompanying hosepipe ban, my mother has decided that she still needs to water her lawn. To balance out the water usage, she's placed a complete ban on the use of our shower until the weather lets up. FML

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By rachele321 - 20/8/2019 02:00

Today, some guy sent a dickpic to my phone. I was disgusted, and wanted to find out who did it. I called the police, and they matched the number to my step father's new cellphone. FML

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By badtiming - 15/9/2010 04:15 - United States

Today, I saw a bad car wreck. I pulled over and ran to the car to find an unconscious man behind the wheel. Another car pulled up, and a guy got out. I was relieved to have help, until, to my horror, he started trying to hit on me. I was stuck with him until the ambulance arrived. FML

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By WellFineThen - 17/4/2017 05:00 - United States - Cedar Falls

Today, at work, a woman screamed at me and called me a bitch because I refused to refund something we give away for free. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2013 10:44 - United States

Today, I went to the gynecologist. In the waiting room they had decorative words that spelled out "Relax" and "Enjoy". FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2015 10:58 - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, my mom and I went to catch our flight to Jamaica. She ended up being detained and questioned, because she packed hairspray, shampoo, drinks, basically half the shit you're not allowed to have in your luggage. We missed our flight. FML

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By Lilragu97 - 26/7/2012 05:14 - United States - Exeter

Today, I walked into my upstairs bathroom to find my mom's new boyfriend eating soup, naked on the toilet. In shock, I stepped back and fell down a flight of stairs, backwards, and hit my head on wall, leaving a dent in it. FML

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By :/ - 20/2/2011 18:44 - Canada

Today, I had my buddies over for a few beers and, trying to be cool, I told my wife to get out of the living room and back in the kitchen. I felt smug, right up until she said, "Why? Your mom doesn't need to be turned over for another 20 minutes, dick." FML

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By shaverguy - 15/6/2009 08:51 - United States

Today, I got an electric shaver hoping that it would reduce the risk of cutting myself than shaving with a manual one. However, I cut myself opening the plastic package with the shaver inside. FML

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By nobodyreadsmyemails - 27/10/2009 22:24 - Canada

Today, I noticed that I've been spelling my company's name wrong in my email signature for over a year. FML

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By lifesucks - 24/2/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, I walked into work after being completly wasted last night. I was sitting in a meeting when all of a sudden the presenter had gotten an e-mail saying "crazy girl dances on tables at local bar". So obviously everyone wanted to watch it. That crazy girl was me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2011 13:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered my mother went into the local pub where I work part time, got very drunk, and flashed her boobs at everyone. I found out when a picture was posted on Facebook. FML

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By SwedishBozo - 15/3/2009 01:30 - United States

Today, my family and I were at a restaurant. We're Swedish and love talking about people in our language because no one ever understands here. I decided to comment about how ugly the girl at the next table was. She turned around and goes "Dra åt helvete." That's Swedish for "Go to hell." FML

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By lawdy - 21/5/2017 20:00

Today, I told my daughter that she's going to be a big sister, because there is a baby growing in my tummy. She's been sobbing because I can't convince her that I didn't eat a baby. FML

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By JLD - 11/10/2010 04:34 - United States

Today, I came home from a four day trip. Apparently, my cat thought I was gone for good and is now very unhappy that I'm home. I know this because she has been positioning herself between me and my husband all night, and hisses every time I try to touch him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML

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By ShamefulShoop - 31/5/2018 19:00

cringe intensifies

Today, I took my mother grocery shopping. From the opposite end of the snack aisle, she yelled, "They don't have my darkies! Ya know how I like my darkies!” She was talking about dark pretzels. I don’t think the appalled black couple next to me knew that. FML

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By James - 5/11/2009 16:38 - United States

Today, before having morning sex, my girlfriend for over a year whispers to me "Do that thing you did at the Halloween party". There was no morning sex as I reminded her that I was sick with the flu then and didn't go with her to the party. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, I was walking through the store when I saw a little boy point to me and say something to his mom. I was out of earshot at the time, but I got close enough just in time to hear the mom reply, "God says we have to love everyone, even if they're ugly." FML

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By Jilly - 8/8/2011 06:45 - Australia

Today, I found out that my son had sold his house key to one of his friends for half a packet of gum. Now there is someone out there who I have never met with full access to my house. My son is 16. FML

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By Username - 4/5/2011 03:24

Today, I can't attend an interview for a great job because I have an exam. An exam I need to pass in order to have a great job like the one I'm missing the interview for. FML

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By cuntocracy - 21/1/2014 22:27 - Australia

Today, my brother asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick. I stupidly said yes and now have a black eye from where he punched me. My dad thinks it's hilarious and my mum says he didn't know any better. He's 13. FML

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By Rakoric - 16/4/2017 22:00

Today, my wife and I went kayaking for the first time in the ocean. She got seasick and just before she threw up, leaned over the side and tipped the kayak over. FML

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By sadcartoons - 12/2/2011 18:57 - Canada

Today, my son and I attended my mother's funeral. It was the first time he'd been to such an event, so to ease his grief and distract him, I turned on Max and Ruby when we got home. He quickly broke into tears; apparently, it was the episode where Max and Ruby prepare their grandma a special birthday gift. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2014 21:08 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I came home early to surprise my wife. No, it's not what you're thinking: I didn't find her cheating on me. She wasn't even home, but my dad was. He'd used his spare key and was on my sofa, drinking my beer and watching my TV. The first words out of his mouth? "Your beer's shit." FML

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By Claire - 29/9/2010 05:59 - Australia

Today, I went to the beach with this boy I like. Not thinking it'd be anything more than a simple date, I didn't shave my downstairs. We were sitting on a towel and I laid down. Then he said, "Is there a squirrel in your pants?" FML

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By anon_1996 - 8/5/2013 16:59 - United Kingdom - Haslemere

Today, my boss asked me to read through a document. I gave my feedback, saying it seemed like it had been written by an 8-year-old. Turns out it was in fact written by him. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2019 22:00

Today, on the bus, a man in his late 30s sat next to me. After a moment, he turned to me and said with a wink, "You must be ovulating, I can smell your vagina." FML

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By Wrongdoor - 6/12/2009 14:58 - United States

Today, I was taking a placement test for the new college I am going to. After the test and picking up a few numbers, I left with great pride. I opened the door and started walking out. I then realized that I had walked into the closet. FML

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By Danners88 - 11/11/2009 04:36 - Australia

Today, I was at a Remembrance Day service when an old widow told me I had my "grandad's" medals on the wrong side of my coat. I told her that I was an Afghanistan veteran and that they were mine. She then berated me in front of the WHOLE service for "lying". FML

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By thewrittenrebel - 28/10/2014 07:40 - South Africa - Bellville

Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 20:00

Weird flex, but OK

Today, I asked the girl who has a crush on me if she was autistic. She replied without hesitation, "I can be whatever you want me to be." FML

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Top comments

By saranottelling | 7

#776997 - Saturday 16 January 2010 1:53

The same thing happened to me when I was 10, only with my retainer. The sticky garbage didn't ever really come off and I had to get a new one.

By xxmollyxx | 25

#777034 - Saturday 16 January 2010 2:07

I'm sorry, but what a boring and pointless story :/ pretty much everyone's had to pick something up from the trash at one point or another...

Comments

By revcanon | 0

#776984 - Saturday 16 January 2010 1:50

that is all your fault. and FIRST

By saranottelling | 7

#776997 - Saturday 16 January 2010 1:53

The same thing happened to me when I was 10, only with my retainer. The sticky garbage didn't ever really come off and I had to get a new one.

Reply

arnaldo_fml | 0

#777375 - Saturday 16 January 2010 5:45

There's a site like FML but where visitors can tell their DARKEST SECRETS! :) it's www.whatasecret.com

By itsmehoeee | 0

#777000 - Saturday 16 January 2010 1:53

first(: that sucks haha

Reply

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#777056 - Saturday 16 January 2010 2:21

If you hadn't spent time writing " first(: ", you probably would have been first..

By tass919 | 12

#777019 - Saturday 16 January 2010 2:01

you're an idiot, and totally deserve it

By xxmollyxx | 25

#777034 - Saturday 16 January 2010 2:07

I'm sorry, but what a boring and pointless story :/ pretty much everyone's had to pick something up from the trash at one point or another...

Reply

israelnotjacob | 20

#777494 - Saturday 16 January 2010 7:13

Yeah exactly. Sure it's gross, but most people have to do that in some way. This site is supposed to be for embarrassing and sucky situations that don't happen everyday. Someone having to fish something out of the trash is an everyday occurrence.

Reply

RachelTM | 0

#777673 - Saturday 16 January 2010 10:29

It may happen to everyone at some point or another, but it still qualifies as an FML, as it probably ruined the OP's day. ;-)

Reply

israelnotjacob | 20

#778541 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:56

If something as insignificant as that ruined their day then they have far worse problems then a dirty phone.

By jennay8288 | 1

#777041 - Saturday 16 January 2010 2:09

Sucks...but you should always do the "tap" before throwing something like that away. (Check pockets for wallet/phone/etc). But you live, you learn, not really an FML..

By scarsnstars45 | 0

#777047 - Saturday 16 January 2010 2:14

This is so lame it has to be fake!

By ily1210 | 10

#777049 - Saturday 16 January 2010 2:16

i dont know why everyones saying YDI? it was an accident, and it could have happened to anyone.

By ihateu44 | 0

#777075 - Saturday 16 January 2010 2:31

hahahahaha.fyl

By dspadres | 0

#777084 - Saturday 16 January 2010 2:38

Well thats what you get for whipping out your phone because one of your friends did and having this strong need to keep your phones sitting out in the open to show them off or to pretend you have something important to text to someone at all times.

Reply

TheLetterZero | 7

#777193 - Saturday 16 January 2010 3:47

Way to make a stupid assumption.