Miscellaneous: Today, I was with a friend at the mall and I made eye contact... - FML

By ouch - 28/04/2012 06:54 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I was with a friend at the mall and I made eye contact and smiled at the worker at a smoothie stand that I went on a date with last year. He saw me, and then ducked down behind the register, where he remained while his coworker awkwardly leaned over him to take my order and money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 783

You deserved it 3 182

Taking stock

Leave us alone

Chemical warfare

By stupidgirl - 30/09/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I changed all my plans, after months of him begging me to, so I could go to the same university as my long-term boyfriend. After I sent in my deposit, he told me we couldn't live together in college because I was "invading his space." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 346

You deserved it 14 134

By lovesucks - 18/12/2009 20:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that the most kisses I ever get are in text messages from my Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 939

You deserved it 4 120

Honest mistake

By Anonymous - 10/10/2020 11:01

Spicy

Today, my girl and I with got caught having sex in the car by cops. They thought we were smoking bongs because the windows were foggy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 704

By alycion - 04/05/2019 12:00

Today, I took my father to a hockey game. He always has to get pictures with the girls, so while in bag check, he used his breath spray. He got me in the eye, and I was temporarily blinded through most of the first period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 635

You deserved it 132

By BirthdayBoy - 25/09/2009 14:54 - United States

Today, I invited over my girlfriend of two years to spend my birthday night with her. Instead of a conventional wrapped birthday present, she gave me the news that she has taken a vow of chastity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 862

You deserved it 7 286

Fortunate son

By Elizabeth Ann - 24/08/2021 20:01

Today, I found out that this fall, I'll be living in a dorm with a communal bathroom, paying most of my way. My brother, a grade below me, will be living in a 2 bed 2 bath apartment, all expenses paid by my parents. Why? "It costs money to get rid of people” and “You can do school from home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 839

You deserved it 75

By Anonymous - 01/09/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, while working in my pharmacy, a patient told me that he sometimes wants to jump the counter and skin me alive. He has no more refills, and his doctor is out of town for the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 361

You deserved it 2 097

By Anonymous - 25/12/2013 23:19 - United States - Lebanon

Today, I realized my family is more excited to see my girlfriend than they are to see me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 580

You deserved it 4 251

By News-print Face Kate - 18/07/2012 16:37 - United Kingdom

Today, a man slapped me in the face with his newspaper because I didn't get out of his way fast enough at the train station. I guess he didn't notice I was on crutches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 880

You deserved it 1 858

By sad_dad - 24/10/2009 17:35 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I got home from work and heard the shower in my bathroom running. Thinking my wife was taking a shower, I got completely undressed and walked in. My wife wasn't in the shower, instead I found my daughter and her boyfriend in the shower, making out. There was an awkward moment of silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 949

You deserved it 10 213

By Anonymous - 16/02/2010 07:26 - United States

Today, I was docked and fined in my dorm building because of multiple noise complaints. What was I doing that was so noisy? I slipped in the shower and banged my head against the floor. Then when I reached for the towel rack to pull myself up, it broke and I slammed my wrist onto the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 071

You deserved it 2 746

By clu - 10/08/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, while eating dinner, a car alarm went off outside for 15 minutes and was driving me crazy, until I realized it was my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 780

You deserved it 37 014

By Anonymous - 25/09/2016 04:13 - United States - Midland

Today, I was talking with a very attractive co-worker outside when a moth flew into my ear. I started screaming and hitting my ear because it was stuck and alive in my ear. I spent the rest of the day at the ER. I'm forever known as the moth lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 237

You deserved it 926

By Robert - 27/12/2017 15:00

Today, a judge ruled against me. I filed for divorce because my wife got pregnant even though I had a vasectomy. Apparently, not informing your spouse of a vasectomy is worse than cheating in the eyes of the court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 827

You deserved it 1 317

By choldcreations - 07/03/2010 14:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was eating pizza with my girlfriend. She got sauce on the corner of her mouth so I tried to be sexy and lick it off. It wasn't sauce, it was a cluster of zits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 041

You deserved it 41 210

By sick - 06/01/2011 12:21 - United States

Today, I was at the nursing home I work at, and my boss asked me if I'm serious about my job, telling me that I've been acting strange and not working hard enough. She wants to drug test me. The real reason I'm not 100% is because I have a stomach ulcer from the stress of working there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 533

You deserved it 2 571

By DutchOven - 04/07/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 315

You deserved it 25 881

By "mynameissecretlyjeff" - 11/04/2017 06:00 - United States

Today, my brother put a mac-n-cheese cup in the microwave without any water. My entire house smells like burnt cardboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 164

You deserved it 354

By Anonymous - 21/04/2009 21:52 - United States

Today, I was at my senior dance dancing with this guy I really like. He was telling me how he likes a strong woman who's not afraid to make the first move. Empowered by what he said, I asked him out. He said no because he thinks girls shouldn't ask guys out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 940

You deserved it 5 069

By Ineverknew - 19/03/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I texted my girlfriend, saying how I hated my job, I felt trapped, and that I was wasting my time working there. A few minutes later, she answered, "That's how I feel about our relationship." FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 637

You deserved it 7 915

By aur - 12/11/2008 08:10 - France

Spicy

Today, I remember the first night I spent with my first English boyfriend. I'm French, and when we woke up, I said in my most sexy voice "Oh, I'm so dirty!" It's only when he left that I finally understood the look on his face; I wanted to have a glass of water. I was thirsty, not dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 705

You deserved it 7 961

By Ayeya - 04/06/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, I wanted to print out a 100 page game strategy guide using company's printer. While not wanting anyone to find out about this I picked a time where I thought no one would be printing. My CEO ended up standing next to me for 10 minutes waiting for his stuff to print after mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 755

You deserved it 74 052

By mainche - 20/01/2009 07:13 - France

Today, in the forest, I hit my foot against a half-buried metal thing. I dug into the ground, and found a beautiful box, heavy enough to not be empty. I imagined myself with gold coins. Inside was the corpse of a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 105

You deserved it 6 779

By crybaby - 28/06/2016 17:54 - United States - Seattle

Today, I went to let my puppy out, and I turned around to see her peeing on the carpet. After getting her outside, I saw my little sister pooping on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 608

You deserved it 813

By Mom2boysonly - 15/06/2018 20:30

Today, the AC broke in the car I bought brand new last August. My 3.5-year-old hates wind, even from the sunroof being open, and there's no fix for the "manufacturing defect" so far. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 111

You deserved it 360

By KitchenFlooder - 01/02/2018 01:30

Today, I flooded my entire kitchen. The water was cut off at night and I left the faucet open without realizing. When the sound woke me up at 5am, the water reached my ankles. I frantically tried to sweep it out before my mother woke up at 6am. I didn't make it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 464

You deserved it 1 792

By T3kM4n - 20/09/2016 06:08 - United States - Spokane

Spicy

Today, I've been recovering for a week from my medically needed circumcision. I'm 30, and they advise you wear essentially a jock strap for the first week to help. It wasn't too bad until I went to take the thing off and it caught a stitch on my manhood. That's the most unique pain ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 808

You deserved it 1 219

By Itsbeen8years - 05/04/2015 19:18 - Slovakia - Stupava

Today, I found my first bra and tried it on. It still fits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 889

You deserved it 3 852

Bad boy

By Anonymous - 31/01/2017 10:13 - United States - Gladewater

Today, after weeks of looking for the source of an awful smell in our house, I found out our dog has been climbing over our loft banister, into the attic, and shitting. There were over twenty mounds. It took me almost four hours to clean up, and it still stinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 502

You deserved it 736

By Ughh! - 20/02/2013 20:40 - France

Today, the people living below me have been blasting their music so loudly that I can hear every word as clear as day. The people next door think it's my music and feel the need to bang on the wall and blast their music just as loudly in revenge. I have two very important exams tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 928

You deserved it 3 286

Relaxing

By juliannamelissa - 06/09/2012 06:38 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I wanted to take a bubble bath with the jets in the bath that I haven't used in years. When I got in, it took me a while to realize that the jets had squirted out slime and a family of unidentifiable bugs that have probably been living there for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 260

You deserved it 9 562

By mala_19 - 12/06/2017 14:00 - Sweden

Today, at work, I had to help a teenager who was stuck in a toy car for kids, and no, it was not in one piece when she finally got out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 078

You deserved it 237

By sallymay - 08/02/2018 13:00 - United States - Rockland

Today, I found out that my amazing sugar and oil olive body scrub will cause the next person to get in the shower to slip and break an arm. We have no insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 527

You deserved it 1 530

By sleepless - 18/02/2012 10:07 - United States

Today, I let my little sister sleep in my room because she had a nightmare. She is currently snoring like an overweight 40 year old man with a cold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 680

You deserved it 3 506

By Dirty - 23/02/2017 08:00 - Canada

Today, I grabbed a fresh hand towel from the drawer in the bathroom. I wiped my hands and noticed they smelled like shit. My 6-year-old had wiped poo from his finger onto the dark grey towels. I guess he sometimes helps the poo out. Good to know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 276

You deserved it 534

By Anonymous - 14/10/2013 07:13 - United States - Eagle Point

Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 035

You deserved it 3 524

By UghDude - 06/09/2014 13:35 - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my sister licks all the flavoring off Doritos and puts them back in the bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 161

You deserved it 3 263

Taking the piss

By allie - 31/05/2021 22:01

Today, my mom forced me to take a drug test while she watched. I couldn’t do it due to nerves, so she grounded me because, "there's no way I would be nervous unless I was doing drugs." Nope, just a shy bladder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 940

You deserved it 87

By Diana - 13/08/2010 01:06 - United States

Today, I was showing my three year-old that going down the deck steps are perfectly safe. At the top, I tripped on my shoe and fell head first down every step. I now have five stitches and a three year old who won't go anywhere near the deck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 528

You deserved it 8 200

By BW - 07/06/2009 21:49 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up to my wife talking in her sleep, "No Brandon! I don't want to have sex!" My wife won't have sex with me when she's awake OR in her dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 603

You deserved it 6 256

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Saturday 28 April 2012 15:54

I'll have a wingman and a large fry.

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Saturday 28 April 2012 16:01

Make it more awkward and have a conversation with him while he's down there.

Comments

xIBleedPurplex16 0

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Saturday 28 April 2012 15:53

Lol lameee

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Saturday 28 April 2012 15:56

He's a pussy

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Saturday 28 April 2012 16:06

he definitely had fun.

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Saturday 28 April 2012 16:11

You should've called him out on it

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Saturday 28 April 2012 16:27

OP should've "accidentally" dropped the smoothie on the coward when the coworker handed it to her.

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Saturday 28 April 2012 16:30

I thumbed you down just for your pic..m sorry

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Saturday 28 April 2012 16:37

I'm sorry you're going to see the Knicks lose today.

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Saturday 28 April 2012 17:15

I thumbed u up cuz of ur pic!!! :) im from miami!!! :D go heat!!

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Saturday 28 April 2012 17:27

I thumbed all three of you down because you're talking about basketball instead of the FML. This isn't nba.com.

PussyPredator 6

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Saturday 28 April 2012 17:57

1, I have to comment regarding your profile. Justin Bieber did not grow up in poverty. I don't know what crazy shit you're smoking, but I want some.

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Saturday 28 April 2012 18:48

#1, your mom read your diary and your plot has been discovered! Give it up! As for the FML, that sucks. The guy is a coward. 'Accidentally' dropping your smoothie on him sounds like a capital idea.

godhelpusall111 12

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Sunday 29 April 2012 14:38

Said the one with a Justin bieber profile picture...

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Saturday 28 April 2012 15:54

Have any one-night stands lately? XD

xXxIracebethxXx 14

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Saturday 28 April 2012 17:19

I don't think "last year" would be lately.

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Saturday 28 April 2012 17:38

what the heck happened on that date?!?!

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Saturday 28 April 2012 15:54

I'll have a wingman and a large fry.

crazycatlady5 6

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Saturday 28 April 2012 19:02

I'm sure it went smoothly :)

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Saturday 28 April 2012 15:55

You don't need them! Don't worry you can def do better then that jerk

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Saturday 28 April 2012 18:46

I like how it's instantly the guys fault. It isn't possible she was a terrible date or anything. NO PFFFFT HAHA HOW COULD I POSSIBLY THINK THAT?! Oh. Maybe because I'm not a sexist fuck.

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Saturday 28 April 2012 19:31

Even if she was a terrible date, he's working. Sick it up and do your job or go in a back room. No need to be a five year old about not liking someone.

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Saturday 28 April 2012 20:53

And who cares if she was a terrible date? It was last year, this guy completely and utterly overreacted. OP sounded cool about it.

Michaelsgirl04 9

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Saturday 28 April 2012 15:55

safe to assume the date didn't go well?

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Saturday 28 April 2012 20:08

...

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Saturday 28 April 2012 15:58

haha was your date THAT bad?

MisUnFortunate 31

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Tuesday 1 July 2014 4:16

Lol apparently. xD I've never been so crazy or horrible to someone they felt like hiding from me... unless... UNLESS! They hide and I don't notice. :O

flashback.miss 28

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Saturday 28 April 2012 15:59

That's just hilariously pitiful.

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Saturday 28 April 2012 18:54

Ummmmm... WTF is your profile pic. It scares me.

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Saturday 28 April 2012 19:23

It appears to be a jeweled penis, which isn't as grand as it sounds.

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Saturday 28 April 2012 15:59

I take it the date wasn't great? I could imagine him fucking up in some way. Or maybe you screwed it up OP?

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Saturday 28 April 2012 16:01

Make it more awkward and have a conversation with him while he's down there.

kkjkidonthate 4

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Saturday 28 April 2012 16:03

I would like a order of large fries covered in awk sauce.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 761

You deserved it 101

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 193

You deserved it 288