By frogface_fml - 20/5/2020 05:00

Family ain't all it's cracked up to be

Today, I talked to my birth mother for the first time in over 26 years. Five minutes into our conversation, I remembered why I stayed away. FML

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Body issues

White line fever

Creepy

By mykodu - 2/10/2014 20:29 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my little sister had her second son. She is 31 and she named her sons after her favorite television characters, Sam and Dean Winchester. She has made it her life goal to make sure her husband never finds out. FML

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By lefthandspanker - 27/8/2015 16:34 - United States - Craig

Today, my slightly batshit insane grandma called me disgusting and unladylike. Why? For writing with my left hand. FML

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24750

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By Jimii Liu - 11/3/2012 01:41 - United States

Today, I had a date with a woman. She brought her dog along. Every time when I touched her, the jealous male dog began to bark and tried to bite me. FML

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28495

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By IPicasso - 27/3/2017 00:00

Today, my brother sent me over a dozen screenshots from his phone, because he couldn't work out why it wasn't capturing all the paint he'd managed to smear on the screen. FML

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3285

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By Cat vs. Dog - 28/4/2014 21:03 - United States - Laramie

Today, my escape artist of a dog got out. She not only chased someone else's cat into someone else's house, but promptly defecated all over their living room floor out of excitement. That's one way to meet the new neighbors. FML

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By lean_mean_meme_machine - 10/12/2016 19:07 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was visiting my grandma who has a beagle named Max. He was so excited to see me, he jumped on my face and peed. FML

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8314

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By jake - 12/8/2014 10:21 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I dropped my kid into a crowded wishing fountain instead of a coin. FML

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24678

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By NotASquirrel - 12/3/2016 05:29 - United States - Bronx

Today, I was using the urinal at work when an old guy started using the one next to mine. All of a sudden, he used that Ghostbusters' line, "Cross the streams!", and tried to pee into my urinal. I had to wait 4 hours in pee-drenched shoes until my shift was over. FML

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20715

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By ellie - 23/11/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I was walking on the boardwalk with my mom when an old man came up and asked me to marry him. He promised he would buy me a Mercedes if I did. The man was homeless and delusional. My mom told me I should take the offer because it would be the best offer I could get. FML

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35550

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By SolaceInRage - 20/3/2013 23:53 - United States - Wilmette

Today, I tossed half a sausage to a dog sitting beside a park bench. It wasn't until he lunged for it and dragged the man beside him off of the bench that I realized it was a seeing eye dog. FML

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By Bawsack - 6/4/2017 00:00

Today, I dyed my hair. It was all going well, until I forgot I had a head full of product and scratched an itch. I didn't realise my mistake until later, and now have to replace my six-month old sofa because it has a huge stain that alternates from purple to bleach. FML

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By Beefballs - 29/7/2009 06:22 - Canada

Today, I just found out my dad got remarried a year ago. The woman is officially living with us, I got to have lunch with her alone today. I found out she is only 22, with a 14 year old little brother. My dad's 47. I'm 17, now with a 14 year old uncle and a mom that can pass for my girlfriend. FML

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By fallingforfakenamesandmindgames - 27/7/2017 13:00

A dealer of both drugs and hugs

Today, I found out that the reason why the guy I took home from the bar seemed to understand everything about me instantly was because he was my ex's secret drug dealer. FML

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3578

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I had an important powerpoint presentation for ALL the big execs at work. It seems that during my lunch break, my boyfriend IMed me on my mac saying "Feeling so horny right now, come home for a quicky like last week?" I didn't see it until the presentation. So did the executives. FML

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By - 27/12/2019 20:00

Our anniversary

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blowjob from me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2009 05:21 - Canada

Today, my friend called me freaking out because of an online pregnancy test. She was scared because she had no idea that she was pregnant, let alone having a fifteen pound baby. The website is a joke. She goes to an Ivy League school, and I couldn't even get into community college. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2013 02:28 - United States - Mclean

Today, a girl I follow on Twitter tweeted, "Why can't I have a cute math tutor?" I'm her math tutor. FML

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By Thalassophobic - 21/7/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, I went to the beach. I was in the ocean and I looked over my shoulder and saw a big black spot. Knowing that there were big crabs on the beach, I screamed. Everyone in the water heard including the lifeguards. It turns out it was just my shadow. FML

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By Owned - 29/1/2009 00:32 - Taiwan

Today, me and a friend I met in the club were sandwiching this blonde girl dancing, when 5 minutes later she turned around and said that I should get another girl and gently brushed me aside. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2013 20:14 - Poland - Polska

Today, my brother looked me dead in the eyes and said his life goal is to find a way to jizz on everyone in the world. I'm scared. FML

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62352

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By toosmall - 23/10/2016 21:27

Today I got a $60 parking ticket for not paying the $2.50 pay-to-park fee. I checked my bank records, which proved that I'd paid the fee, for the correct space too. The problem is the ticket is too small to contest in traffic court. FML

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12603

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By Evalynne - 6/4/2013 12:55 - United States - New Orleans

Today, my best friend was throwing me my bachelorette partly. A cop came by and said there have been complaints about the noise. Thinking he was the stripper we ordered, we pulled him into the house. He was an actual cop. FML

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By Seamstressed - 9/2/2017 20:00 - Italy

It's called fashion, OK? Look it up.

Today, I was sewing a top. Due to a mistake, I had to unstitch the zipper and resew it. When I was almost done, I noticed that the zipper was upside down. FML

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By taperjeangirl - 21/2/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was telling my mom that I was really nervous about going to the gynecologist for the first time. Her response, "Oh don't worry, it's not like it's the first time you've spread your legs!" FML

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By coolest_mom - 25/11/2015 06:00

Today, while changing my daughter's diaper, I lifted up her butt to wipe her, which coincidentally caused her to fart. I hadn't wiped her yet so the force of air caused poop to fly at me at high speed, landing on my chest and face. My husband burst out laughing, saying, "You've been ass-blasted!" FML

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27371

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 16:56 - Canada

Today, my boss walked up and smacked my butt. I am a 19 year old guy. My boss is a 50 year old woman. I desperately need this job. FML

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By Lonely - 2/8/2018 15:00

Today, I sent a question in a newspaper self-help column about how I often feel ignored. I quickly received a note advising me to not feel ignored, but due to the volume of questions, I would likely not receive a response. FML

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By matou - 9/7/2015 20:41 - France - Caluire

Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML

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32223

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By Moving On - 1/1/2011 06:59 - United States

Today, I found out my parents' New Year's resolution is to get me to move out. FML

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24476

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By sparkus - 15/12/2015 15:15

Today, while out hiking with my girlfriend, she thought it would be funny to push me down a small hill. It turned out there was a 16 foot drop at the end of it, and now my leg is in a cast. FML

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25536

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2014 14:34 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I learned that no matter how much you want the Nutella, it's never a good idea to deep-throat the knife. FML

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By Electronotfriend - 1/8/2009 16:49 - Poland

Today, I was walking in the mountains when I tripped, I grabbed onto the fence in an attempt to soften my fall. The fence was electric. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2012 12:39 - Australia

Today, I walked into two things. The first was a spiderweb. The second, due to blind panic, was oncoming traffic. FML

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By Jane - 7/12/2009 10:33 - United States

Today, I found out the weekly coffee talks my husband was having with his ex-girlfriend stopped involving coffee about 2 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2012 05:08 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had to go into the school for the third time this week because my son is claiming he's on bath salts and biting all his classmates. My son is 16. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2013 04:43 - United States

Today, my pet parrot learned a new trick. In addition to imitating my dog, and my voice when I call my mother, it can now imitate my sex noises, and likes to screech them whenever someone comes into the room. FML

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By Jonnygiant - 14/3/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower after basketball practice. When I got out of the shower I thought no one was home so I thought it might be fun to walk around the house completely naked. I walk downstairs and my mom was eating dinner. Along with 20 other members of her bookclub. FML

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By Dumbweed - 28/8/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, my mom told me she was getting tired of that smell of marijuana in the house. So I confess and tell her I will never bring it home again. She was talking about my neighbors. FML

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By NotJoeyEssex - 26/7/2019 00:01

Today, I was so lonely and bored, I thought about making the most of our current heatwave by giving myself heatstroke, just so I could talk to a doctor. FML

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By iJuli - 8/4/2012 05:17 - United States - Billings

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be a good idea to break up with me in his car. I had to walk home. FML

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Top comments

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7907455 - Wednesday 20 May 2020 5:26

At least you tried op, sorry she's not worth your time

By spinspinsugar | 6

#7907640 - Wednesday 20 May 2020 21:06

some people need closure. especially when it comes to parents

Comments

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7907455 - Wednesday 20 May 2020 5:26

At least you tried op, sorry she's not worth your time

By Mathalamus | 24

#7907474 - Wednesday 20 May 2020 7:39

Why even bother talking if you didn't in a long time?

spinspinsugar | 6

#7907640 - Wednesday 20 May 2020 21:06

some people need closure. especially when it comes to parents

By bloopaloop | 27

#7907534 - Wednesday 20 May 2020 13:21

Well, why?

By SBLaC | 10

#7907698 - Thursday 21 May 2020 1:45

My mother is also a malignant cunt that I do my best to avoid

By Allsmash123 | 7

#7907719 - Thursday 21 May 2020 5:59

YDI for not giving any details