Today, I was walking on the boardwalk with my mom when an old... - FML

By ellie - 23/11/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I was walking on the boardwalk with my mom when an old man came up and asked me to marry him. He promised he would buy me a Mercedes if I did. The man was homeless and delusional. My mom told me I should take the offer because it would be the best offer I could get. FML

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KoBabe

TMI

Non-baby fever

By Blerp - 22/1/2017 10:00

Today, I got chewed out by my boss for not doing my job. Turns out what's described in my job description, contract, and job title isn't my job. My real job is outlined in the footnote of my contract. FML

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By Zkroger - 23/10/2013 15:42 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year denied in front of everyone that we ever dated. FML

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By NiHao - 28/9/2009 03:16 - Canada

Today, I was at my friend's dorm eating supper. He and all his roommates are Chinese, and since I'm majoring in Chinese, I could understand what they were talking about. Too bad none of his friends knew that, and talked about banging me while I was sitting there. FML

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By "Geric Brawner" - 12/5/2017 22:00

Today, my car broke down in traffic. It's okay though, everyone honked in support while I moved my vehicle from the busy intersection. Only the third time this month. FML

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By kaitlin - 19/2/2010 06:30 - Australia

Today, I lost my virginity to an ultrasound probe. FML

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By Wally - 8/5/2009 15:20 - Canada

Today, I got to sleep in late for the first time in 3 years, as wife took our two young daughters out of town to visit with her parents. I told my mother that I was really looking forward to being able to sleep in this morning. The phone rang at 7:30. It was my mother asking me how I slept. FML

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By Lisa - 18/7/2014 20:21 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me out on a date. He doesn't have a car, but he said he'd borrow transport from his neighbor. He showed up at my house on a ride-on lawn mower. FML

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By ElaborateScheme - 14/8/2016 20:52 - United States - Palm Beach Gardens

Today, I was feeling a little bored so I decided to go outside for once. Living in Florida is nice and all except for the fact that right now I'm putting ice over two snake bites. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, my Dad sent me an e-mail wishing me a "Happy 21st Birthday, sweetheart!" The message went on and on about how much he loves and misses me and wishes we were closer, and can't believe how fast I'm growing up. I'm 23 and my birthday is in December. FML

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By no, oh god no - 8/9/2018 14:30

Babe, I am your father.

Today, it was only as my boyfriend met my dad for the first time that I realised how alike they are. Same opinions, same dress sense, same moustache and beard, same height and body shape, similar jobs and cars, and they support the same rugby team. They got on like a house on fire as soon as they met. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2019 02:00

Today, it's only been a week since I've been in my new apartment with my boyfriend, and I already caught him cheating. FML

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By Koda - 6/5/2011 04:27

Today, I passed out when my blood sugar dropped. Three times. And each time, my roommate, who was right next to me, just let me fall because he liked the way my face looked. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2012 15:49 - United States

Today, I went out of town with my mother-in-law. I don't know what posessed her to start questioning me about her son's and my sex life. When I told her I wasn't talking about that, she began to dicuss her and my father-in-law's bedroom habits. The car ride was two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2017 13:00

Mommy Goes Commando

Today, I went to a restaurant with my family. My five year old goes under the table and says "Mommy! You forgot to wear underwear!" FML

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By Tal - 26/4/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I got kicked in the face at a soccer game. Everybody clapped. FML

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By OopsKid - 30/5/2011 18:14 - France

Today, I accidentally said, "Yes, Sir." to my female teacher. I then apologized by saying, "Sorry, Sir." FML

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By hpberkla - 5/9/2020 23:01

Fast food

Today, I was at the Wendy's drive-through with my four kids in the car. As the worker handed me my food through the window, a man wearing a ski mask ran right between us, snatched the bags of food and took off. They refused to refund me for the food, because they said I staged the whole thing. FML

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By OiVey - 1/11/2017 18:30 - United States - Padre Island Ntl Seashor

Today, I found out that I've been taking the wrong math class all semester. We're only a few weeks from finals and I have no drops left. FML

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By mom2010 - 15/12/2010 15:07 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me that he doesn't think cheating is a big deal because everybody does it. FML

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By cap - 9/12/2019 01:00 - United States - Manhattan

Last trip

Today, I had sex with my wife only to be told that the sex was horrible and to be given divorce papers. FML

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By gnownayrgnow - 8/5/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I decided to be extra nice to my girlfriend by washing all the dishes and folding all the clothes. She thought I was being "too nice" and hypothesized that I was cheating on her. FML

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By IrisKitty - 18/8/2015 07:07 - United States - Englewood

Today, I found out my grandma sleeps in the nude. I witnessed her running naked from her bedroom to the bathroom, because she "didn't have enough time" to put on her robe. I need to get my own place. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2019 02:01

Today, my 6-year-old son was being charming by smiling and batting his eyelashes at me. When I asked him, "What?" he replied, "When you die, can I have your hair?" FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2012 10:27 - United States

Today, I broke my arm, and posted a picture of my X-ray on Facebook to show everyone how bad the break is. Nobody even asked me if I was OK. FML

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By PeeLeg - 11/3/2013 07:43

Today, I finally got a tattoo of an alchemy symbol that I've wanted for years. I also found out later that symbol stands for urine. FML

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By marie12 - 27/3/2011 01:19 - Belgium

Today, I decided to have dinner with three friends to forget about the painful break up with my boyfriend. The first friend announced that she and her boyfriend had just bought a house, the second one that he was no longer single, and the third one revealed that she was pregnant. FML

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By lalala2494 - 27/5/2019 22:05

Today, I said, "Bless you" when someone sneezed on television. That's how lonely I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2013 10:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I grabbed his butt to control his thrusts and got a clump of used toilet paper. FML

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By Username - 10/8/2011 12:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend leaned over and sniffed me like a dog. He does this almost every day, even in front of people sometimes. FML

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By xoxo - 1/4/2020 02:00 - United States

Miscommunication

Today, my boyfriend won't talk to me because I let a giggle slip during sex and he's convinced I was laughing at him. FML

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By KarlwithaK - 19/5/2009 03:29 - United States

Today, we were visiting my great-grandma, who has Alzheimer’s. We spent most of the day with her and she didn't know who we all were. Time came for us to leave so when I gave her a hug good-bye, she whispered into my ear, "You're my type." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, my friend found a picture of herself on a website filled with pictures of thin people. I was in the picture, also. I was crossed-out with the word, "EWW" written next to me. FML

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By Nick - 8/7/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 years. She's pregnant. I'm a virgin. FML

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By Craigslist is Evil. - 24/9/2013 18:12 - United States - Dickson

Today, my ex-wife put my number on Craigslist as a gay fashion designer needing a one night stand. I only found out when I got a text from an unknown number asking me when was the last time I "ate a black anaconda". FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2011 23:03 - United States

Today, I looked in my mouse's cage and noticed a tiny weed growing. I've been trying to grow a garden for years to no avail. Even my mouse is a better gardener than I am. FML

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By MeowApp - 1/2/2017 10:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, in my early morning haze, I tried to find the setting on my phone that would stop my cat meowing for his breakfast. FML

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By tmac05 - 13/11/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, the waiter farted while I was on a date. My date thought it was me. FML

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By mayhemily - 21/9/2015 16:22 - Canada - Aurora

Today, I passed out in my kitchen and was woken up by my dog. Not because she was worried about me, but because my body was blocking her food dish. FML

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By xharuki - 29/8/2010 20:37 - United States

Today, I was closing at work when someone came in ten minutes before close (2am) and placed a huge order. I couldn't turn him away because he's my manager from my other job. He was drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2017 05:00

Today, I got my septum piercing stuck in a bag of cinnamon pine cones at Target. My boyfriend was wearing a red shirt with khaki pants, so all the other shoppers thought I had to call a Target employee over to "cut" me out of the bag. FML

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Top comments

By Icutu7 | 0

#686200 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 7:41

mother probably was just mad cause her best friend probably screwed her boyfriend at prom night

By mich23 | 10

#685517 - Monday 23 November 2009 23:33

Ye of little faith

COMMENTS

By alexandraa_fml | 0

#685505 - Monday 23 November 2009 23:11

Oh boo hoo, this is not an FML.

Reply

xNephilim | 18

#1732102 - Monday 22 November 2010 1:22

It kinda is.

Reply

GenocideTUH | 0

#2334251 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 3:25

the fact the her mom had low belief in her daughters ability to get a man makes this and FML not what actually happened

By txgirl09 | 5

#685513 - Monday 23 November 2009 23:24

what number 1 said.

By mich23 | 10

#685517 - Monday 23 November 2009 23:33

Ye of little faith

By mmmyeahsaraa | 0

#685540 - Monday 23 November 2009 23:40

wow what a ball breaker =0

By epaisseur | 0

#685556 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 0:12

make his day

Reply

nolimits | 0

#685700 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:45

Brilliant!

By Flutist | 3

#685564 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 0:05

YDI because you can't take a joke. My mom says things like that all the time. She would never sell me to a bum on the street lol but get over it. Your mom obviously felt close enough to you to joke like that. If it was obvious he was delusional, then OBVIOUSLY, if your mom isn't some passive aggressive psycho, she meant it in good fun. I feel bad for the bum. I hope you helped him out.

By BigK_Diet_Cola | 1

#685572 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 0:08

Momma knows best. Take the offer.

By f_alltheirlives | 3

#685574 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 0:11

Do your friends all drive Porsches? Do you have to make amends?
Did you work all your lifetime, no help from your friends?

By baby_gurl2405 | 0

#685591 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 0:48

What'd you do to turn him on enough to ask you out? Or were you eyeing him up first?

By macknumber307 | 0

#685614 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 1:03

awww. dont worry. Sounds like your mom was kidding. She probably didnt know it hurt your feelings.