Today, I was walking my Aunt's dog to the park and I grabbed... - FML

By itzcorinnelove - United States

Today, I was walking my Aunt's dog to the park and I grabbed a few doggy bags to pick up the poop. As it turns out the bag had a small unoticable hole in it, that grew bigger as I fit my hand through it. I ended up using my hand to pick up the poop and didnt realize it. FML

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Thanks for the miracle

Freak out

Phantom pooper

By Miss_Whipped - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I just received the king-sized bed I'd ordered. My boyfriend moved out two days ago when we broke up. FML

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By RedheadA - United States

Today, my husband and I woke up to see my drunk mother passed out on our couch. She was just wearing socks. FML

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By smalls727

Today, I was at orientation for my new job. There were only 6 other people in the training. Throughout the whole entire training, I kept smelling cat urine and moving further away from the other person. Only to get in my car and realize my cat peed in my purse. FML

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By Greattitan2 - United States - Beaufort

Today, I was working at a fast food restaurant when I cut my hand. There was a good amount of blood flowing out so I ran to my manager and asked where the first aid kit was. He then picked up a washcloth and some tape and handed it to me. FML

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By skatergrrrl - United States

Today, I had my first ice skating lesson. I had to wait 5 years for a rink to open in my town, 2 weeks for my lessons to begin, but only 10 minutes to fall and hit my tailbone so hard that I can't walk. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I finally worked up the courage to write a girl a note, with my number on it, and the words: "You're stunning. Get in touch sometime." Heart pounding, I saw her, got up, and passed her the note. Then I passed out at her feet. FML

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By birthdayboy

Today, it was my birthday. My only birthday present was a cake that my dad bought from Walmart. Well, it sure looked tasty. The only problem: it had nuts on it. Guess what I'm highly allergic too? At least my dad told me he'd "tell me how it tastes." FML

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By smyp - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I was let go from my job, because I "progress too quickly and there's no promotions available" and I "can find a better place to work at". FML

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By bankergirl - United States

Today, I got called into work and I was really excited to earn some extra money. One block from getting there I get pulled over. Apparently my tags were expired, and there goes half a weeks pay. FML

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By Eleanor - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I tripped and fell on my open dishwasher, right onto a carving knife. I'm mostly ok, except that my nipple has been sliced neatly in half. Seriously, the two halves keep flapping open like a little mouth. It would be funnier if it wasn't so painful. FML

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By clumsyandhungry - United States

Today, we were closing the restaurant early. I begin mopping as a couple walks in. The lady slips and falls, and to avoid a lawsuit, we offer them free food. After they left, I slipped on the freshly mopped kitchen floor with dishes in my hands. I didn't get free food. FML

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By Sara - United States

Today, I woke up at 5:30 AM to my boyfriend flipping on the lights and shouting, "We have a problem!" Our chinchilla had gotten out of his maximum security cage, and half of our apartment is now underwater because he decided the water line that leads to the fridge would make a tasty midnight snack. FML

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By absentmindedmoron - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking whilst texting. I thought I was going in a straight line but I ended up walking right into an open phone booth. A woman was inside making a phone call. I lost my balance, pinning her up against the wall. She thought I was attacking her and clobbered me with the receiver. FML

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By Rohirus - Sweden

Today, during the early hours, I got hungry and went to grab something to eat. I entered the kitchen, only to see my stark-naked dad sitting at the table, eating cereal and reading the paper. He just nodded at me and said, "Son." I think I need a new pair of eyes. FML

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By michelle91 - Malaysia

Today, while stepping out of the shower, I slipped and cut my head. I went to the hospital, got 8 stitches and was tested for head trauma. After hours of ignoring my calls and texts, my girlfriend finally responded, very angrily. Why? Today is her birthday, and I "selfishly made it about me." FML

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By Burst a Valve - Australia

#humblebrag

Today, I learned there is such a thing as "too much sex". After a full week of having sex at least twice a day with my girlfriend, I had to go to the GP due to a painful erection and swelling. The constant sex had caused me to burst a blood vessel in my penis. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I came home after a short trip. Walking through the door, an overpowering smell indicated that in my rush to leave I'd forgotten to bring the cat litter tray indoors. The place was covered in cat urine. It was as if I'd created a cycling ecosystem of evaporated urine turning into urine rain-clouds. FML

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By bahhumbug - United States - Seattle

Today, I received three big boxes from my mother in law, containing expensive cookware. I was puzzled, because I know that she hates me. Turns out she mailed them to us by mistake. Not only did she not get us anything, but I now have to pay to ship the boxes to her neighbor. FML

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By eun - Canada

Today, at lunch I was running to my group's table with my friend. She accidentally tripped me, and I slid across the café floor face first on my belly. The whole cafeteria was silent. They then broke out in hysterics when the head janitor ran up to me and yelled 'SAFE!' like a baseball umpire. FML

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By Katyness - United Kingdom

Today, the canteen of the company I work for introduced a cash-less payment method to purchase food. To use it, employees must download the app, which is only available for iPhones. I have a BlackBerry. FML

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By SonofMnemosyne - United States

Today, I have been on the toilet all day due to chocolate laxatives from trick-or-treating. Today, it is my birthday. FML

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By TuralSucks - United States

Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

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By homelessagain - United States - Lorain

Sue! SUE!

Today, I found out, through Facebook, that my landlord hadn't been paying the mortgage on the house I'm renting from him. It's going into foreclosure. FML

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By dumbblonde - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer when this really annoying fly kept landing on the keyboard. After a while, I took the bottom of a pen and squished it. Twenty minutes later I absentmindedly started chewing at the bottom of the pen. FML

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By ribx - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, despite feeling healthier than ever, losing fat, gaining muscle and having perfect blood results, my morbidly obese relatives keep telling me that my new vegan diet is "unhealthy". FML

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By Eyalsh - Germany - Greifswald

Today, I came back to my dormitory after a long shift at work. After using the toilet, I looked at myself in the mirror, only to find a huge piece of food stuck between my front teeth. I work at one of the fanciest restaurants in town; nobody bothered to tell me anything. FML

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By jadalaheart - 28/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Citrus Heights

Distant love

Today, for the first time in more than two years, a guy asked me out. Too bad he lives halfway around the world. FML

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By damn dog - United States

Today, during a firework show, my dog gave me her opinion about them by practically eating half my bedroom door then defecating on my bed. FML

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By lydia - 1/7/2020 08:08

Like that's an excuse

Today, my mother screamed at me because she thinks I peed on the toilet seat. Not my dad, me. I’m a girl. FML

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By theyreallydosmell

Today, I came home from a vacation. It had snowed, so I decided to shovel the front walk. While shoveling, I found a dead skunk frozen solid on the sidewalk. I tried to pick it up with my shovel, but it stuck. It won't move 'til the ice melts. FML

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By SplishSplash - United States

Today, we went boating with friends. For some reason the bottom of our tube deflated, causing me to be bounced roughly up and down on the water. As a result, I had the most intense orgasm of my entire life, while sitting 2 inches away from my dad's friend. He definitely noticed. FML

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By Garfield - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was starting to get freaky with my boyfriend when his dad came in with no warning to let the dog into my boyfriend's bedroom. His dad noticed what was going on and covered the dog's eyes instead of just leaving. FML

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By Dan223 - United States

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in almost five years, at his funeral. FML

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By llostinreality - United States - Milwaukee

Today, the blinker on my car was broken so I decided to play it safe and drive a different car to work. I guess it wouldn’t have mattered which car I drove, as the cop nicely told me one of the headlights was out when he pulled me over. FML

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By Disney dashed

Not so Magic Kingdom

Today, I fulfilled my lifelong dream of going on a family trip to Disneyland. Less than two hours in the park, my kids have been scared shitless by every single character, they don’t want to ride any rides, my husband is drunk and the mouse ears headband gave me a vomit-inducing migraine. FML

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By elle

Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I had to rush to school to avoid being late. Unfortunately, I forgot to put a bra on beforehand, and as soon as I got to gym class, the first thing my teacher said was: "Okay folks, let's get outside, we're running the mile." FML

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By Not So Smart - Canada

Today, I went to the mall. While shopping in a store, a woman bumped into me numerous times. Getting annoyed, I turned to her and loudly exclaimed, "Are you blind?!" Turns out she was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to check up on a 400-pound inmate who was very upset about being locked up. When I got to his cell, he threw one of his own turds at me through the bars. I took a hit. FML

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By NotAGoodStart - 7/3/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Fashion Week

Today, I went on a blind date, meeting up in a park. I got there first and sat down to wait for him. After a while, a guy sat down next to me. I wasn't sure if it was him, so I texted him, asking if he'd arrived. His response was, "I'm already here, sat to the left of the old woman dressed like a gypsy." FML

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Top comments

By IgniteMe28 | 0

#497084 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:03

all aboard the failboat...

By ryki_bloom | 0

#497088 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:04

Yuck! Seriously! But - I think that you should have noticed. Plastic bags feel different than poop. YDI for being an idiot.

COMMENTS

By IgniteMe28 | 0

#497084 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:03

all aboard the failboat...

Reply

tpag3r | 0

#497212 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:53

thats a stinky situation

Reply

Lolbrittany | 0

#497242 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 22:07

did you taste it :U

Reply

lexilovesyou | 0

#497267 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 22:23

Ewwy;
Fyl!

Reply

Imawhalerider | 0

#497312 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 22:50

Well now you know that its not that bad to pick up real poop.

Reply

tpag3r | 0

#497608 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 1:18

awhh i was waiting for someone to pick up the cute is what we aim for reference but once again you people fail me

Reply

waterynuggets | 0

#497637 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 1:36

Probably because Cute is what we aim for is a shitty teeny bopper band that fails all by itself.

Reply

TurdMonkey | 0

#497664 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 1:46

waterynuggets, you speak words of wisdom

Reply

HahaYDI | 0

#497843 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 2:48

Hmm...well some people have a "thing" for crap, maybe you should try that road and see how that works

Reply

MiGman | 5

#1035432 - Friday 18 June 2010 23:22

let's leave it at this. it's a D U M B A S S move. emphasis on the DUMBASS

By OhhxGoshhxAri | 0

#497085 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:03

Gross. FYL

Reply

live_and_learn | 0

#497295 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 22:37

that is why soap was invented. you'll be alright.

By fkjiwefakris | 0

#497087 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:03

Ewww

By ryki_bloom | 0

#497088 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:04

Yuck! Seriously! But - I think that you should have noticed. Plastic bags feel different than poop. YDI for being an idiot.

Reply

ms_nobody | 0

#497273 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 22:26

I agree with you...plastic and poo feel very different! if this is nt made up then this guy is a real dumb.

Reply

soherewegoagain | 0

#497315 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 22:52

Yeah plastic and poo do feel different, but to know what they feel like you have to have it on your hand..so until she actually got shit on her hand she wouldn't know ...did you even think before you commented?

Reply

ryki_bloom | 0

#497320 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 22:54

Yeah, but she had the bag in her hand before she "attempted" to pick it up. She would of noticed a difference quite quickly.

Reply

soherewegoagain | 0

#497347 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 23:05

yeah but it wouldn't matter cause she would still have shit on her hand..you said poo and plastic feel different well how would she know its poo unless she actually touches it? and then it will be too late :)

Reply

twist_n_shout | 0

#499865 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 22:21

Ok well plastic bags feel different than air. I'm surprised she didn't feel her hand rip through the plastic before she came in contat with poop.

By oliviax3 | 0

#497094 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:06

Thats disscusting
FYL.

Reply

cosmiccharlie | 0

#498098 - Wednesday 19 August 2009 4:54

spelling disgusting like that is what is really disgusting.

Reply

ILIKETOTROLL | 0

#3281009 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 4:39

stop talking like a nerd or you're gonna get beat up. ^

By ukiekid619 | 0

#497097 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:06

hahahaahaha enjoy your brownie

By shadow_skater_fml | 0

#497101 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:08

ew gross

By Forever2204 | 0

#497104 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:08

ewwww
FYL

By mcdougri | 0

#497111 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:12

I think that was my poop.. :O

By E3Q | 0

#497115 - Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:13

Ugh! Sucks for you that was nasty.ewwwwewwwwewwwwewwww Yuck