Animals: Today, I was walking my Aunt's dog to the park and I grabbed... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 331

You deserved it 88

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 135

You deserved it 1 184

18/08/2009 16:11

Today, I was walking my Aunt's dog to the park and I grabbed a few doggy bags to pick up the poop. As it turns out the bag had a small unoticable hole in it, that grew bigger as I fit my hand through it. I ended up using my hand to pick up the poop and didnt realize it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 103

You deserved it 12 710

Another great day to be alive

Good kid

Stop talking!

28/01/2014 08:22

Today, I realized that my dog has more work experience than I do. He's a retired military working dog, and I have a Master's degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 579

You deserved it 5 622

06/08/2015 19:18

Today, feeling very self-conscious about my looks, I told my mom I felt ugly and wished I could be as beautiful as her. She only said, "Yeah, I'm pretty, I wonder what happened to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 967

You deserved it 3 131

First time?

By Kiss-a-thon - 27/07/2016 10:01

Today, I finally got together with this great guy I've had a crush on for a while. He told me before that he is quite inexperienced, which usually doesn't bother me at all. Turns out "inexperienced" translates to "I will include your nose and chin in our kissing" in this case. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 887

You deserved it 2 196

05/03/2012 00:27

Today, my friend and I walked 3 miles to a Starbucks. We went inside, paid for our coffees and walked the 3 miles back to my house. We forgot to pick up our coffees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 377

You deserved it 47 913

07/03/2009 12:03

Spicy

Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. When the conductor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 309

You deserved it 167 688

Not mine

By alerra - 20/01/2020 14:00

Spicy

Today, my roommate's parents came over to our one room apartment. They found condom wrappers. My roommate tried to say they were mine. I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 250

You deserved it 233

12/08/2011 02:30

Today, my car was broken into, and they stole all my CDs, but left my daughter's Black Eyed Peas CD behind. I'm pretty pissed about the theft, but almost glad to see that the delinquents in my town have a decent taste in music. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 625

You deserved it 4 424

16/08/2015 16:18

Today, I went on a blind date. People always joke about how horrible Axe is, but this guy sprayed it on so thick that I genuinely had to fight to not retch the entire time. It was so bad that at one point I thought I was going to pass out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 725

You deserved it 1 861

23/04/2009 23:43

Today, I was meeting my girlfriend at the airport after studying abroad for a year. She ran to hug me, and I wanted to pick her up and spin her around, like they do in those romantic movies. I tried to do that, but instead I dropped her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 768

You deserved it 54 207

17/08/2009 05:43

Today, my boyfriend was fired. After breaking the news, he also broke up with me. Apparently, his boss had a creepy crush on me and would give my boyfriend bonuses for bringing me to company events and, occasionally, out on the boss's personal boat. Looks like I am no longer useful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 793

You deserved it 3 188

07/05/2017 02:00

Today, I was playing music from my phone, which was on the couch. I guess my dog got jealous, because she picked it up and ran over to the toilet, promptly dropping it right in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 933

You deserved it 715

25/11/2008 18:05

Today, I was going to confess to my best friend that I am madly in love with her. I called her up only to find her crying. She was upset that she might be pregnant with some guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 922

You deserved it 2 875

10/09/2013 13:23

Today, I told a guy he should be ashamed of himself for parking in a handicapped space. He hit me with his prosthetic leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 978

You deserved it 96 339

Cats are like drugs

By Anonymous - 22/05/2021 23:01

Today, I'd agreed to watch my friend's cats for a few weeks. I'd always promised myself not to become a "crazy cat lady" like her. It's the third day and I danced with the cats and apologised to them for my bad dancing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 704

You deserved it 401

21/11/2008 03:41

Spicy

Today, when I woke up, my husband was already up. Thinking I hear him in the hall I shout out "come on, don't be shy, bring that cock in here right now!". A voice replies: "he's gone out to get some bread". It was my mother-in-law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 073

You deserved it 17 920

Abandoned

By Anonymous - 04/04/2020 05:00

Today, I found a baby in a cradle on my doorstep. I was shocked that someone would do this, so I picked it up and uncovered the baby. It was actually a rudimentary stink bomb that went off in my face when I uncovered it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 068

You deserved it 224

27/10/2010 18:46

Today, my husband informed me that his father adopted a dog. I replied "Cool," he then said, "She happens to have your name." I think my father in law is trying to send me a message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 060

You deserved it 2 928

27/01/2016 16:35

Today, at my daughter's fundraiser, I noticed that a guy with a face only a fist could love kept staring at her. I said "Beautiful, isn't she?" Before I could tell him to keep it in his damned pants, he replied "Hah. She's my girlfriend, dude. Total beast in the sack." Complete news to me on both counts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 678

You deserved it 3 307

02/06/2011 04:17

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 562

You deserved it 18 341

Poor old Kermit

By FrogMyLife - 30/07/2021 14:59

Spicy

Today, I've been single for so long, I very nearly had a wet dream about an anthropomorphic frog. A FROG. FML

I agree, your life sucks 700

You deserved it 151

07/05/2009 21:10

Today, I had a phone interview with my potential new boss. I was getting excited about the prospects of landing a great job. I had nailed every question the man asked me and right after he told me he'll call me tomorrow if he wants me to come in I sweetly said, "Talk to you tomorrow, Love you" FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 318

You deserved it 58 245

18/01/2015 19:44

Today, I ran out of cash. The nearest ATM to my house is over a half hour away by foot. After walking all the way there under the blistering heat of the sun, I realized I'd left my card back at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 577

You deserved it 23 744

18/02/2017 06:00

Today, after a recent move into my new apartment, I woke up early to study for an upcoming exam. I hadn't left my bed yet or made a sound, when my neighbor texted me and asked why I was awake. No one in the building has my phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 283

You deserved it 490

10/06/2013 05:26

Today, my mother and grandmother informed me that my sixteen-year-old dog died. I was standing in Wal-Mart at the time. They then yelled at me because crying in public is "inappropriate." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 587

You deserved it 4 133

22/04/2012 03:15

Today, my husband drew a penis on every one of my cigarettes. It's a new pack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 940

You deserved it 70 499

10/12/2018 17:30

Today, my two co-workers got the promotion we were all working for. The reason they got the promotion and not me? My interview got cancelled because of a policy change, implemented that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 672

You deserved it 138

03/09/2009 12:54

Today, I had to catch a coach to London at 4 in the morning. I was late so I had to take any free seat, so sat down next to a seemingly sweet old man. Within ten minutes, the sweet old man was trying to kiss me and trying to pull me on top of him. Nobody said anything. The journey was 4 hours long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 281

You deserved it 3 762

03/12/2014 04:05

Today, I was short on money for bills, so I pulled out my alto saxophone, knowing that no matter how much I loved it, I'd be able pay my rent with the money. As I pulled it out of its case, the neck strap broke and I dropped it, breaking the bell beyond repair. Now I'm poor AND depressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 606

You deserved it 3 860

17/08/2011 08:13

Today, I got my tongue pierced, then went to a pet store. A clerk came up to ask if I needed help. I showed him I already had some fish, and said, "No thanks." He must have thought I was "special," as he bent down and in a baby voice, said "You got fishy? FISHY FISHY FISHY!" while poking the bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 838

You deserved it 12 587

06/12/2016 04:46

Today, after dropping my phone in the toilet, I left it dismantled outside in my backyard to dry hoping it could be saved. I forgot about the phone as well as the sprinklers that were scheduled to go off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 587

You deserved it 3 925

11/12/2010 07:04

Today, I was at a house delivering pizza. As I walked away, I heard the mom mutter to her child, "That's why you go to college." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 752

You deserved it 6 188

13/01/2012 23:56

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a World of Warcraft commercial came on. He turned to me and said, "Yeah, I'd choose the Horde over you any day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 482

You deserved it 4 437

31/01/2010 10:16

Today, I was watching a horror movie with my girlfriend. Suddenly, the killer jumped on screen. My girlfriend screamed. I peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 727

You deserved it 13 768

The truth

By Iahim - 25/01/2020 14:00

Today, I tried to prank my girlfriend. I said, “I saw you kissing another guy!” She apologized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 274

You deserved it 658

06/03/2010 12:24

Spicy

Today, I introduced myself as a sex addict, as a joke, to break the ice while meeting new people. One of my friends took me seriously and said he was a porn addict. He told me how happy he was that he had found someone else who had the same feelings and was so happy he could confide in me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 472

You deserved it 44 068

14/09/2017 20:00

Today, I came down in the morning to find that my fridge died, leaving water and meat juice all over the floor. My town only has garbage pickup every other week and the last was yesterday. We're expecting a heat wave this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 426

You deserved it 226

21/07/2009 17:45

Today, I pulled up next to my boyfriend at a stoplight. He was in the back of a police car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 294

You deserved it 6 331

03/01/2013 10:34

Spicy

Today, while talking to one of my parents' friends, we discovered that the house he grew up in is the same house my boyfriend now lives in. When he recalled that he lost his first tooth there, the only response I could come up with was, "Oh my gosh, I lost my virginity there!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 614

You deserved it 44 725

19/11/2015 16:44

Today, at school, I was asked to play a complex piano piece in front of my class, teachers and guests. I nailed it, but what stood out most for everyone was how I apparently looked like I was being possessed while performing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 923

You deserved it 2 128

28/01/2010 20:21

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a make-out session in the backseat of his car, when we heard a voice coming from his pants. Who did he pocket dial? My house. At midnight, when I was supposed to be home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 426

You deserved it 36 361

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:03

all aboard the failboat...

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:04

Yuck! Seriously! But - I think that you should have noticed. Plastic bags feel different than poop. YDI for being an idiot.

Comments

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:03

all aboard the failboat...

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:53

thats a stinky situation

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 22:07

did you taste it :U

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 22:23

Ewwy; Fyl!

Imawhalerider 0

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 22:50

Well now you know that its not that bad to pick up real poop.

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 1:18

awhh i was waiting for someone to pick up the cute is what we aim for reference but once again you people fail me

waterynuggets 0

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 1:36

Probably because Cute is what we aim for is a shitty teeny bopper band that fails all by itself.

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 1:46

waterynuggets, you speak words of wisdom

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 2:48

Hmm...well some people have a "thing" for crap, maybe you should try that road and see how that works

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Friday 18 June 2010 23:22

let's leave it at this. it's a D U M B A S S move. emphasis on the DUMBASS

OhhxGoshhxAri 0

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:03

Gross. FYL

live_and_learn 0

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 22:37

that is why soap was invented. you'll be alright.

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:03

Ewww

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:04

Yuck! Seriously! But - I think that you should have noticed. Plastic bags feel different than poop. YDI for being an idiot.

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 22:26

I agree with you...plastic and poo feel very different! if this is nt made up then this guy is a real dumb.

soherewegoagain 0

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 22:52

Yeah plastic and poo do feel different, but to know what they feel like you have to have it on your hand..so until she actually got shit on her hand she wouldn't know ...did you even think before you commented?

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 22:54

Yeah, but she had the bag in her hand before she "attempted" to pick it up. She would of noticed a difference quite quickly.

soherewegoagain 0

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 23:05

yeah but it wouldn't matter cause she would still have shit on her hand..you said poo and plastic feel different well how would she know its poo unless she actually touches it? and then it will be too late :)

twist_n_shout 0

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 22:21

Ok well plastic bags feel different than air. I'm surprised she didn't feel her hand rip through the plastic before she came in contat with poop.

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:06

Thats disscusting FYL.

cosmiccharlie 0

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Wednesday 19 August 2009 4:54

spelling disgusting like that is what is really disgusting.

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 4:39

stop talking like a nerd or you're gonna get beat up. ^

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:06

hahahaahaha enjoy your brownie

shadow_skater_fml 0

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:08

ew gross

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:08

ewwww FYL

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:12

I think that was my poop.. :O

E3Q 0

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 21:13

Ugh! Sucks for you that was nasty.ewwwwewwwwewwwwewwww Yuck