Today, I was using the toilet. I was still insanely pissed off over an argument with my girlfriend, which kind of explains why I was wiping my ass so furiously that my fingers broke through the tissue and ended up in my ass, causing me to shriek like a little girl. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML
Today, during an emergency bathroom visit, I finally broke the toilet seat my fiance had nagged me for months to replace. The broken seat sent me sprawling to the floor. I was still shitting. FML
Today, I went to the restroom to pee. A loud fart exploded out of my ass and echoed in the toilet bowl. I could practically feel my face on fire when I saw the horrified look on a little girl's face as I walked out. FML
Today, I was taking the biggest shit of my life. When I worked the thing out, it hit the water with such force that I got a toilet water enema from the backwash. I was so freaked out that I screamed and fell off the seat, prompting my husband to rush in to see what was wrong. FML
Today, while wiping my ass, the broken finger that has been set straight dipped into the toilet and touched a turd. This keeps happening since I broke it, and I'm sure it will again. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML
Today, I had diarrhea in a public bathroom. When I was finished, I noticed that someone had pissed all over the toilet paper. FML
Today, I had just gotten out of the shower when I thought I had to fart, so I ripped it. instead, I shat all over myself and my floor. I'm 30. FML
Today, work was so busy that when I went to take a shit, I had to force it and wipe hurriedly. Later, when I got home and hopped in the shower, my wife saw the skid mark in my underwear and lost her shit, calling me a disgusting disgraceful pig. FML
Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML
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Top comments
extrasnipes 22
Bet the fight was about her not wanting to do anal
WOTAN1488 24
Learn to relax your anal sphincter.
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Comments (89)
Textastrophe 13
Let's all take a moment of silence for our friend
feven 32
The people in the other stalls must have been so confused lol
Megatron_Griffin 25
I'm pretty sure he was in his own home..and OP you should have wiped it on her pillow. You're left with a sore brown eye, and she gets a sore pink eye
Grayness_ 26
what the actually ****.
enginsteve 17
I think I like #16.
Megatron_Griffin 25
Glad someone has a sense of humor. I have always had the room next to the bathroom all my life so my brothers and my father would always make comments like "I'm gonna go fart on your pillow so you get pink eye". I guess every one would rather the same joke about him liking anal just written different ways ten times in a row haha
FunnnyGirrl 19
Right, "you weren't paying attention to how rough you were wiping" OP ;)
erindgentry 28
You ASSED for it OP
Megatron_Griffin 25
That pun stunk worse than OPs finger :P
allforfun 23
That was classic!!! Lmao
thesawgmizer 14
Well that was a shitty situation, no? I'll just leave then.
Futacy 30
Go sit in the corner and think about what you just said.
SweetSociopathy 24
Dear moderators, I know you're tired of these craptastic puns, so please start zapping them into oblivion. Or maybe you should stick the posters in FML jail because we all feel violated.
Futacy 30
Don't let other people get to you. You'll just end up screwing yourself in the butt.
mustangbravo 27
WTF? I've never been that pissed off.
StickyPickles 33
Wow, I just had the most terrible image pop into my head.
brendejafulable 41
this is just so weird.
pleasedie 22
...... I don't even want to know