Miscellaneous: Today, I was trying to finish an english assignment and I was...

By FUKDOUG - Canada

Today, I was trying to finish an english assignment and I was not sure how to complete it. So I emailed my teacher asking and she said flip over the assignment handout page for instructions. FML

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Miscellaneous

And today, on Dr Phil…

Compassion

Age ain't nothing but a number

By A troubled ex med school student - United States - Dublin

Today, I attended my first surgery as part of my program at med school. I found out that when I see someone's intestines, I vomit. Even if I'm still wearing a surgical mask. There goes the thousands of dollars I spent on college. FML

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By chicagobulls102 - United States

Today, the really cute guy who asked for my number last night texted me. He wanted to know if he could get my friend's number, because he'd been too shy to ask her directly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blair

Today, I found out that the only reason I'm alive is because my dad beat the living shit out of my mom to stop her getting an abortion. FML

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By loveyouson - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my son got his first tooth, and is enthusiastically biting everything. I breastfeed. FML

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By initforthewrongreasons

Today, I texted my exes, not because I missed them, but because I wanted to know how their pets were doing. This holds true for at least 4 relationships. FML

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By Big Mouth

Today, my class had a debate about religion. My classmate said that Christians couldn't be circumcised because "only Jewish people are". Without thinking, I said it isn't true because I'm Christian and I’m circumcised. I accidentally gave the whole class a mental picture of my dick. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my best friend had 3 birthday parties for herself over the weekend. I wasn't invited to any of them. When I asked her why, she said I "didn't fit in" to any of the groups that were at the parties. All my other friends were invited. FML

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By masterman - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I turned on the TV just in time to see my picture on the news. I have no idea what they said about me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Bergen

Today, I went to a river near my house. They have several swing ropes that you grab and then jump into the river. As I was about to let go of the rope, my leg got tangled and I was held underwater. My mom watched and laughed for a while before she came to help me. FML

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By gummy

Today, despite asking her to stop countless times, my stepmom still barges into my room explosively and without warning. I faint when startled. FML

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By knicksfan - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She gave me back the brand new box of 12 condoms that I had bought and left at her house. There were 8 left and I wasn't the one who opened them. FML

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By Beaky - Canada

Today, I found out it takes no special training to put a large glass marble up my nostril but may require someone with a medical degree to remove it. FML

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By GideonSquire

Today, I walked through a car park and brutally bashed my head, leaving a tennis ball sized lump on my forehead on an overhead sign saying, "Max height 6"6'". I'm 6"4'. FML

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By buccaneer - United States - Piscataway

Today, I was playing with my 2-year-old Siberian Husky, when she figured that since she couldn't get to my hand, she'd try to bite me in the genitals. She was successful. FML

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By Finn - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went to grab a coffee at a new café in town. While sipping my coffee, I noticed a man staring at me through the window. I thought he was browsing the menu before I looked up mid-sip to him staring at me in the eye, sucking on his finger. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my mother and I saw a stall selling colourful treats at the shopping centre. Some were placed on small dishes, so we thought we'd sample their goods. Turns out that the colourful goodies that we'd bit into were very creative pieces of soap. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Castleford

Today, is the start of the third month that I prayed I would be fired, just so I didn't have to quit because I hate awkward conversations. FML

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By lon01t - United Kingdom - Falkirk

Today, my four-year-old daughter started screaming and lashing out at me as I was getting her ready for a bath. It seems my idiot husband told her she was still small enough to be feasted on by the "drain monster". FML

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By sproket

Today, the maintenance man 'fixed' a leak in my apartment by flooding the place. FML

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By Unknown - United States

Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I got married. The only thing that is different so far is that he now thinks that it's okay to shit with the door open. FML

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By NotCuteEnough - United States

Today, I was flirting with this guy that had been forced to be my lab partner for class. He was really funny and attractive, too. In the middle of our conversation he said "You're so cute! You remind me of my boyfriend!" FML

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By daddy'sgirl - United States - Memphis

Today, I was lecturing my high school students on the importance of a good education. I pointed out the janitor in the hall and told them if they didn't stay in school, they'd end up like him. Then one of my students raised her hand and reminded me that the janitor I pointed to was her dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, I complimented a player in a game who protected my ass the whole match. As a joke, I told them to marry me. Turned out the person was a horny 40-something lesbian stalker who spent the next 5 hours sending me pictures and trying to find out where I live. FML

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By evanescence - United States

Today, the hottest girl in the entire freshman class was telling her friend she was going to Florida for spring break. She said she would be in the same city I would and I couldnt help but say, "Oh, cool! Maybe I'll see you there!" She simply looked at me and said, "I hope not." FML

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By noooooooo - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I was dancing with an incredibly sexy man at a club. He was grinding on me when he leaned over and said, "If I was straight, I would make you my queen." FML

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By lpspann87 - United States

Today, I moved to Florida because I have poor circulation and need to be in a warm environment. The first day at my new job, I discovered my co-worker is an overweight man who wears a wool suit every day, and insists on keeping the office chilled to 65 degrees. I can't feel my fingers or toes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at my wedding reception, my father began his speech with "Well, I never, ever thought that this day would come," at which point the entire room, including my new husband, broke into a round of enthusiastic applause. FML

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By Robert - United States - Drummond Island

Today, I pulled my motorcycle into a wheelie when my crush drove by. She was the one who drove me to the hospital when I went over backward. FML

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By Anonymous - Iraq

Today, I was at work, finishing a presentation for my boss. Five minutes after I presented it to him, his boss walked in and asked for the same presentation I had just given. My boss presented it. His boss then turned to me and asked me "what use are you around here?" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had a terrible stomach bug. I quickly jumped off the toilet and crouched over the bowl. I vomited with such force that I splashed the shitty water back into my face. FML

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By Merry F-ing birthmas - 20/12/2020 11:01 - Australia - Brisbane

They targeted gamers!

Today, as he has all day for the last 3 days, my husband has been playing Cyberpunk 2077. However, it's my birthday. When I mentioned this fact, I was told to just walk the 4 miles to the store and buy a cake, "if it matters so much." I have celiac and he spent our grocery money on the game. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bedford

Today, my neighbors got a motion sensor light that points at my window. It's so sensitive that it goes off every time an insect flies past. FML

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By has an old monitor - Germany - Berlin

Today, the family computer's 15-year-old CRT monitor which gives me headaches finally stopped working. My dad quickly found a replacement: an even older CRT monitor that gives me worse headaches. FML

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By Friendly - United States

Today, I was questioned about a request for a restraining order filed against me by an old woman. According to the report, she's seen me "walking near her house and waving at her" for the last two months. I've been her next-door neighbor for a year and a half. FML

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By screwwyou - United States

Today, I was talking and joking with my boyfriend. He said "Hey wanna hear a joke?" I said "Yes." He said, "Our relationship." and walked away. He seriously dumped me through a one-liner. FML

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53016

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By Lor - Canada - Toronto

Perfume Allergy Man strikes again!

Today, a woman got on the bus wearing extremely strong perfume and sat in the seat in front of me. The gentleman I was sitting next to began violently sneezing, so much so that he eventually sneeze-vomited all over my lap and backpack. FML

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1737

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By lectro - France

Today, I learnt that the girl with who I've being going out for 6 months, has been sleeping with every guy around except one. Guess who? FML

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By A. - Canada

Today, after two weeks of living on plain pasta, I finally got my paycheck and was excited that I'd get real food, and ride the subway instead of exhausting my malnourished body with the two-hour walk to work. My surname was misspelt on the check; the bank is holding it for ten days. FML

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By mikki bee - United States - Reno

Today, I decided to start jogging and exercising, so I had a wonderful workout before work. Then I broke my foot at work. Goodbye exercising. FML

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Top comments

By subarchetta | 0

#38961 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 2:07

Hahah! Oh well, just suck your boyfriend's dick to forget the shame. Always works for me.

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#215 - Thursday 5 February 2009 2:51

hahaha dumbass

COMMENTS

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#215 - Thursday 5 February 2009 2:51

hahaha dumbass

medotcom | 0

#2496382 - Thursday 12 May 2011 3:39

so true

By subarchetta | 0

#38961 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 2:07

Hahah! Oh well, just suck your boyfriend's dick to forget the shame. Always works for me.

breenarae25 | 0

#1405511 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 0:53

agreed

By k3llyn | 0

#80222 - Friday 3 April 2009 22:19

You dumbass.

By jmbizzle32 | 0

#143616 - Sunday 26 April 2009 4:12

Agreed with 3, work that dick, son.

By ellielovesuu | 0

#187463 - Monday 11 May 2009 4:09

You're retarded, OP.

By PixelSlayer247 | 0

#292591 - Thursday 11 June 2009 9:31

Why are some people alive? -_-"

By bethay | 0

#361652 - Thursday 2 July 2009 20:42

I don't even understand why you wouldn't check first.

Boomi | 38

#6687488 - Sunday 11 September 2016 8:31

Same, I always check.

By FMLreactor | 0

#383411 - Friday 10 July 2009 2:01

Pretty pathetic

By bethay | 0

#393987 - Tuesday 14 July 2009 0:54

God damn, you're even dumber than me is.

By Chalaka | 0

#472036 - Sunday 9 August 2009 17:59

Nice going, shithead.