Holidays and Geek: Today, I realised yesterday was my 30th birthday. What made it...

By Anonymous - 14/04/2018 15:00

Today, I realised yesterday was my 30th birthday. What made it worse is that my parents forgot, along with my other relatives and friends. No cards, no texts, no calls, no Facebook messages. Nothing. Happy 30th to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 565

You deserved it 622

Holidays Geek

Leave us alone

Stop talking!

Sorry Danny de Vito…

By OhDear - 24/02/2011 20:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date with a guy who seemed to be quite the gentleman. I was proven wrong when he told me to "shut it" during dinner, stiffed me on the bill, and then left me at the restaurant so he could get his own taxi home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 732

You deserved it 5 071

By Anonymous - 16/10/2013 17:37 - United States - Romulus

Today, I found out my handwriting is so bad that people think I write in Arabic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 329

You deserved it 10 381

By SterlingEnigma - 25/09/2009 08:43 - United States

Today, I decided to start making healthier decisions. Instead of the usual cheeseburger I have for lunch I ate an apple instead. I took one bite and broke one of my teeth. Apparently, apples keep the doctor away, but not dentists. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 196

You deserved it 7 334

By Needlongerarms - 08/09/2016 12:56 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, my laziness got so bad, I downloaded an app and spent 10 minutes configuring it to work with my TV and cable box, just so I wouldn't have to get up and grab the remote. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 877

You deserved it 5 267

By Whoops - 20/10/2011 04:36 - United States

Today, at my job in a nursing home, the State Department of Health inspected us, during which a dementia patient repeatedly screamed that I always hurt her. This was the first time that I'd ever seen her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 778

You deserved it 2 012

By Anonymous - 18/12/2013 01:55 - China - Shanghai

Today, I sang a romantic song I wrote for my girlfriend. She laughed at my soprano. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 186

You deserved it 8 364

Oops, I Did It Again

By Anonymous - 12/09/2019 04:00 - United States - New York

Today, I had to explain to my mom that the bruises I have all over my body are not due to abuse, but because I'm into really rough sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 660

You deserved it 714

By jseid2 - 15/01/2014 05:54 - United States - San Leandro

Today, my students unanimously agreed, in front of me, that the only reason they take my course is to look at my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 754

You deserved it 15 394

By Stupid - 22/04/2013 06:58 - United States - Post Falls

Today, after a few weeks of my friends pestering me to spend time with a mutual friend, I realized we had a lot in common. We both love shoes, peanut butter, and it appears that my boyfriend of three years is her boyfriend of four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 011

You deserved it 5 235

By Justmyluck - 15/11/2017 06:00

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, “I need to check something down there.” I asked what but he just smiled and showed me the piece of gum he was chewing. He took a look and left to get the scissors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 826

You deserved it 855

By Jesstanothergurl - 18/07/2016 19:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to visit a new office building for a meeting. Halfway through the meeting, I got really nauseous and needed to throw up. I ran to find a bathroom, but got lost and ended up in a printing room. With no other option, I was forced to puke into a large envelope. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 590

You deserved it 866

By Jebus - 24/01/2009 16:07 - Canada

Today, I brought a girl home from the bar. After sleeping together, she drunkenly stumbles to the bathroom to wash up. On her way back, she accidentally walks into my parents' room, turns on the lights and asks where her clothes are before figuring it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 083

You deserved it 34 683

By Anonymous - 20/03/2014 02:43 - United States - Canyon

Today, my boyfriend decided it was time to spice up our sex life. He now watches Sons Of Anarchy when we have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 113

You deserved it 6 954

By Anonymous - 06/09/2009 23:09 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the beach and we were tanning when I suddenly saw 10 roses floating in the ocean. I went around to pick up all the roses and threw the petals at my friends. Then I notice a big boat of people in black and white were looking at me with disgust. It was a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 354

You deserved it 53 642

By allyshah - 20/02/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were up late watching tv when an infomercial for "male enhancement" came on. I grabbed for my phone to make a call when my girlfriend said "O honey, dont buy that, it's okay that you're small." I was checking my voicemails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 554

You deserved it 6 351

By adogg18 - 29/05/2011 08:12 - United States

Today, I let my son drive us home. After just 10 feet, he crashed into a parked cop car. It was my squad car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 209

You deserved it 15 377

By Anonymous - 17/04/2013 15:14 - United States

Today, I left my son with my husband while I went to the store. Ten minutes later, my dog was missing a large patch of fur, and neither of them can stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 782

You deserved it 7 921

By Oops - 07/01/2017 20:48 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I accidentally spilled red wine on my cat. She ran away and licked the wine off before I had a chance to clean her. My mother is deeply concerned our cat is dying. I'm trying to tell her to wait 24 hours before taking her to the vet's, simply because I think my cat is hung over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 783

You deserved it 1 245

By Anonymous - 07/03/2015 03:22 - United States - Naples

Today, I got a haircut. The guy quickly cut off most of the hair above my forehead. When I angrily asked him what he was doing, he said, "Quitting." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 850

You deserved it 2 493

By Anonymous - 09/05/2009 14:48 - United States

Today, I decided I would eat healthy in order to lose weight. Feeling powerful, I threw away all of the icecream in my freezer. An hour later, I picked the icecream carton out of the garbage and ate the entire half-melted carton. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 395

You deserved it 119 037

By coveholli - 15/11/2014 14:43 - Australia - Perth

Today, I went on a blind date. Not only did his phone go flat before I found him, but we were at totally different bars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 171

You deserved it 3 172

By jgw - 07/04/2017 00:00

Today, I was certain that over the six years of struggling through my Ph.D., I had culminated in one truly original idea. Until I saw it published in another thesis, from 1953. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 668

You deserved it 668

By Anonymous - 27/05/2013 22:15 - United States - Lehi

Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 978

You deserved it 3 731

Customers from hell

By hexphoenix - 07/04/2015 00:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at my job, a couple became angry with me because I charged them for an extra ranch they'd ordered, as I'm supposed to. When I explained how it says in the menu how any additional sauces are an extra charge, she said nastily, "That's okay, we'll just take it out of your tip". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 326

You deserved it 2 680

By anonymous - 24/04/2013 04:55 - Germany

Today, I was fired on my second day of work after a year and a half of unemployment. Apparently, my "tendency to solve problems instead of just accepting them made the other workers uneasy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 552

You deserved it 3 618

Stuck on amber

By Anonymous - 01/10/2020 07:58 - United States - Greensburg

Today, my wife and mother of my kids said she doesn't want sex. Or a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 142

You deserved it 170

By phantomdriver - 24/03/2011 22:51 - Canada

Today, my cab driver told me about the time he tried to commit suicide by driving off a bridge... while we were crossing a river. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 792

You deserved it 3 613

By imustbegay - 09/05/2010 14:20 - United States

Today, I was buying condoms for my girlfriend and myself. While at the checkout counter, my guy friend sees me, runs to me, puts his arm around me, kisses me on the cheek, then yells "Thank you baby!" There were about twenty people behind me, they all gave me dirty looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 248

You deserved it 10 355

By Eleanor - 06/05/2019 08:00 - United States - North Grafton

Today, my freshman students got in a fist fight over a chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 580

You deserved it 127

By [email protected] - 25/10/2008 16:56

Today, though it’s been a month since I removed the plaster from my wrist, it still stinks of feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 803

You deserved it 6 443

Lost

By Icy - 25/10/2008 16:56

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 381

You deserved it 4 021

By joe - 08/08/2010 07:14 - United States

Today, I was in the checkout line at Foodmax around 11:30pm. Three girls behind me were buying Tequila, salt and some limes. I was buying frozen pizza and some toilet paper. They were going to an awesome party. I was going home to eat pizza by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 731

You deserved it 8 310

By jealousgirl - 16/07/2015 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, after having to spend over an hour yesterday giving the man I'm in love with advice on how to impress his date yesterday evening, I got to spend another hour listening to how great their sex was last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 338

You deserved it 8 034

By maarkblack - 22/05/2013 14:51 - United States

Today, I awoke from a dream that I'd found an Arco gas station that had regular gas for $3.38. I actually went looking for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 183

You deserved it 10 811

By ealovan - 03/03/2014 05:18 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I have exactly 204 snowflakes saved onto my computer, all of which I made on this snowflake-making website. This is what my life has come to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 872

You deserved it 9 657

By WhyDoINeedAName - 13/03/2013 19:51 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, as always, I'm dating one of the few girls who, without fail, always finishes first when we get intimate. She's also one of those girlfriends who doesn't want to continue once she's done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 348

You deserved it 8 159

By ahhhhhhh - 30/07/2019 14:00

Today, my daughter was acting strange. When she wasn’t muttering in some strange language, she was talking about invisible people coming to get me. Terrified, I called my boyfriend. Turns out he taught her that as a prank. He knows I’m afraid of anything supernatural. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 571

You deserved it 583

By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 13:18 - Sweden

Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I told him my password and went to the bathroom. When I came back he said he'd finished. I tried to log in, but my password wouldn't work. I then noticed a post-it note on the desk saying, "Stop stalking me and I'll change the password back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 955

You deserved it 40 997

By kernewek - 26/05/2011 21:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at work, nonchalantly spinning my keys around my finger when they flew off and hit a glass cabinet. Broken glass showered passing customers. I don't think I'll have a job to go to tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 407

You deserved it 20 891

By Anonymous - 17/06/2014 02:45 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was going to the bathroom at work. When I stood up, I noticed a little button on the side. I pressed it and the toilet flushed. I've worked there for nine months and just found out today that our toilets don't flush automatically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 800

You deserved it 47 648

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Top comments

Seeya55 31

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Saturday 14 April 2018 15:23

Don't you mean, "Happy Belated 30th to me."? Because it seems you forgot about it too!

Cz22mv 14

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Saturday 14 April 2018 20:08

Obviously you forgot too. Why does it matter others did as well?

John Nemeth 14

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Saturday 14 April 2018 15:13

:( Happy birthday! :D

Seeya55 31

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Saturday 14 April 2018 15:23

Don't you mean, "Happy Belated 30th to me."? Because it seems you forgot about it too!

John Nemeth 14

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Saturday 14 April 2018 15:28

Ah crap time to go make an FML now. “Today I wished someone happy birthday when their birthday was really yesterday that their entire family forgot.”

Yudith 20

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Saturday 14 April 2018 15:37

Happy belated birthday, anonymous person!

kirby1964 20

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Saturday 14 April 2018 16:10

Well, when was the last time you sent a birthday card. If you do not send any, why do you expect any?

Jayanka 9

Saturday 14 April 2018 16:31

Happy Birthday

westleigh 3

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Saturday 14 April 2018 16:53

Happy birthday! Yesterday was mine too!

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 14 April 2018 17:34

I didn’t get any wishes from friends and family, but I did get birthday greetings from my bank, my dentist and a 10% off coupon from Barnes & Noble. So, yeah, I’m loved!

Donut_Wizard 23

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Saturday 14 April 2018 17:52

So call up your parents and say: “I’ve got great news. I just turned thirty!”

Nguyễn Hoàng Ngân 1

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Saturday 14 April 2018 17:59

Well, happy birthday !

JordanDempsey 20

Saturday 14 April 2018 20:08

You’re 30 and still act like the world owes you something. Usually by now, you’re not still acting like a child. Grow up

chosha_fml 25

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Saturday 14 April 2018 22:03

Why would you say this to someone? Expecting your parents or close friends to remember your birthday isn’t ‘acting like a child.’ It’s perfectly reasonable. It’s not like OP was bitching about not being thrown a party.