Today, I was supposed to do a month's work presentation at the... - FML

By StupidSecurityConsultant - 25/7/2019 18:00

Today, I was supposed to do a month's work presentation at the company I work for. They skipped over my presentation, because they needed time for the "weight loss" competition presentation. FML

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Rock, hard place

White line fever

Does it taste good?

By GamerAM - 27/6/2019 22:23

Today, after over a week of trying to get a hold of my doctor for a much-needed medication refill, he finally called back. Too bad my phone got unplugged and died in the middle of the night. FML

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By whitechocolate - 20/7/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, I found out that even though my parents have been married for 21 years, our "family friend," who routinely accompanies us on family vacations, completes their threesome. Everyone in town has known for years, except for me and my older brother. FML

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By Frostbitten - 27/2/2013 03:00 - United States - Freeport

Today, I was sitting on the chair-lift on a ski trip. There was a shift in gears and the metal in the seat began to vibrate. My dad, sister, and step-mom were all on the lift with me, not feeling a thing. It's terribly awkward to converse with your family while you involuntarily orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2019 04:00

Today, my moron of a teenager drank lube to lubricate his throat during a coughing fit, thinking it would take away the itchiness in his throat. FML

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By lebanesewoman - 30/6/2009 16:17 - Hong Kong

Today, I went to my 7 year old son's school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said "she adored me for who and what I am". I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a "lesbian American." Wrong. I'm Lebanese-American. FML

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By OptMouse - 14/4/2015 11:50 - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, my supervisor forced me to bring the image of a failed simulation to the group meeting, because he thought it looked funny. So did the others and it's now going on our webpage. I have to provide a scientific description of how I made a mistake in my code. FML

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By screwed - 22/12/2010 17:56 - Canada

Today, I accidentally walked in on my roommate while she was changing clothes. She insisted on telling her boyfriend what had happened, because, "It wouldn't feel right" if she didn't. Her boyfriend is a MMA fighter/bodybuilder and has major jealousy issues. I'm screwed. FML

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By damnthedog - 19/1/2013 07:40 - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I found out that my home-made pasta sauce had a weird taste to it because my basil patch in the backyard has become my dog's preferred spot to pee. FML

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By ddeit - 19/8/2011 02:10 - New Zealand

Today, I was having a chat with a customer. He asked if I was married, to which I replied, "No." Before I could say anything else, he said, "Thought so. You look too happy to be married." I was about to mention that I just got engaged. FML

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By anonymous - 17/9/2010 08:19 - United States

Today, my mom was going through the newspaper and cutting out coupons for me to use. She hands me two of them, one for tampons and the other for a pregnancy test saying "well, you're gonna need one or the other this month." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2012 16:05 - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, my book bag was so heavy that it set off my car's passenger detection system in the front seat. I had to buckle in my textbooks. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2017 23:15

Clever girl.

Today, I made a cup of coffee for a lovely old lady on the dementia ward. She asked for quite a lot of sugar in her drink, but I didn't question it. The moment I gave her the coffee, she threw it all over me. While scalding my skin, it also stuck to me. FML

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By HungryStudent - 20/8/2014 18:59 - Puerto Rico - Carolina

Today, my 24-year-old, unemployed brother stole all of my food money and went out with his friends. His punishment from our parents? He has to pay me back when he gets a job. My stomach has to wait. FML

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By jessmess - 1/8/2012 16:44 - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, I went to do the laundry at my hotel. I had just enough money for my two loads. After getting frustrated with the washer taking two of my quarters and giving no credit, I took the clothes out. The washer then locked the door shut and started without my clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2015 20:42 - Australia - Blacktown

Today, I won a game of Monopoly against my girlfriend. She reacted by sweeping the board off the table, storming out the front door, and mowing down my mailbox driving away. FML

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By blackvogue - 1/4/2009 10:42 - Canada

Today, I got up early to prank my family. I put a bucket of ice water on top of a door frame so whoever walked through would get an icy surprise. After I was done, I went back to bed. I woke up groggy and disoriented like always and walked right through the doorway I had rigged. FML

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By desperate - 26/9/2009 14:15 - Denmark

Today, while at a club, I walked up to a cutie who had been eyeing me all night. I asked him "Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?". He simply replied "It's a phone" before walking away. FML

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By handygirl - 31/1/2020 14:00 - Singapore - Singapore

I'm here!

Today, I tried fixing my bedroom lock because the push button hadn't retracted. When I closed the door, I couldn't open it again because the spring isn't attached to the latch, so that didn't retract either. I'm locked in my own room. FML

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By Bob - 11/4/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I finally bought the toy my two year old son always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I give him the present, and he starts playing with the bag. FML

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By cutiekenz21 - 31/7/2011 00:45 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother walked in on us having sex. He started crying and ran into the bathroom where my clothes were located, leaving me to deal with his mother. Naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2014 16:07 - Italy - Vigodarzere

Today, after months of being on anti-depression medication and feeling very little emotionally, I finally felt some joy. Sadly it was from completely crushing my husband in an argument he started, where he claimed ketchup is a vegetable. FML

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By TheBeautifulOne - 23/8/2012 13:42 - United Kingdom - Ayr

Today, I met a girl I used to make fun of in high school. She was taking my fingerprints after I was arrested. FML

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By Shannon - 29/11/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, while at a hotel for vacation with my brother and his wife, I was watching their two-month old daughter in the waterpark when a woman came up to me and said, "Aww your kid is so adorable! Don't worry, you'll get your figure back in no time." I'm a fourteen year old girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2017 09:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, the new security guard of my apartment building tackled me for "suspicious behavior" while I was taking a bag full of dirty kitty litter to the trash chute. He broke my arm and cause the trash bag to explode. When I got back from the hospital, I was fined for littering in the hallway. FML

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By Batman - 9/9/2018 23:30

Today, I finished my 83-page thesis for my Stanford class and put it on my desk. Then, as a prank, my girlfriend hid it. She forgot where she put it. The thesis is due in 3 days. FML

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By You Are My Sunshine - 24/2/2014 04:18 - United States - Moreno Valley

Today, a guy from work that I barely know gave me sunflowers for my birthday. He told me, "You mentioned they were your favorite." I mentioned it to my family at home a few days ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2014 16:06 - Belgium - Poperinge

Today, my boyfriend broke things off, because he says I have a "horrible, horrible personality" and that I'm only really fuck-buddy material, which is a problem because he wants something long-term. We've been dating for three years. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 19:44 - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. It was great until mid-gasm when she swung her arm out and knocked me out. She still can't stop laughing. FML

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By conbon123 - 29/4/2013 07:20 - United States - Beaverton

Today, my dog became scared of his own food bowl. He now barks for ages every time he sees it. FML

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By shittysongs - 7/3/2013 02:39 - United States - Bothell

Today, I was so bored at a dinner party that I went to the bathroom to play games on my phone. One of my co-workers came in, so I rushed into a stall, but forgot to turn my phone's sound off. She heard it and said, "It's OK, music helps me shit too" and started blasting her music and grunting. FML

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By Heifer - 16/5/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that I'm a cow. He said, in a sincere tone, "Oh, baby, you'll lose the weight soon." I meant cow because I'm producing so much milk. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2012 04:32 - United States

Today, I went to run an errand while my parents helped unpack boxes in my new house. When I returned, my dad said to me, "I wasn't going to say anything, but we 'did it.' I'll let you figure out which room". FML

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By watchyoself - 28/12/2016 21:45 - United States - Miami

Today, my boyfriend had the very expensive watch he got me for Xmas resized. I dropped it trying to put it on and shattered the glass. The warranty won't cover it because of the adjustments made. FML

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By Links - 20/11/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, a McDonald's employee had to correct my math after counting out $2.37 in change. I'm in AP Calculus and am currently learning how to find the derivative of an inverse of a logarithm. FML

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By andy1r - 7/10/2011 06:41 - Bolivia

Today, my future mother-in-law gave me advice on life. One piece of advice was that I should leave her son. FML

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By lexibabe - 3/3/2009 00:36 - United States

Today, I was in the bank with my seven year old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away, I heard his wife say "I guess the father must be the good looking one." FML

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By princess - 7/12/2015 14:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 3 year old daughter's Halloween costume finally got delivered. FML

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By DarkDisaster - 27/12/2012 10:16 - United States

Today, my cat had the greatest idea ever: hide inside our Christmas tree and attack anyone who walks past. It would have come as extremely funny to me if I hadn't been her first victim. FML

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By apparentlyweird - 28/8/2018 22:00

Haters Gonna Hate

Today, my dad's new girlfriend's daughter came over with them. She had a tantrum because my brand new computer, which I worked and saved for, was better than her notebook, which was bought for her. So what did she do? Oh, she threw it off my desk. For some reason I'm being yelled at. FML

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By nocanhaz - 16/8/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, I went to a job interview. The person giving me my interview was late, and while waiting for them I fell asleep. When they arrived, they didn't even bother interviewing me because they thought I was irresponsible since I fell asleep because they were late. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7824883 - Thursday 25 July 2019 19:08

Looks like they’re cutting the fat out of the organization in many different ways.

Comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7824883 - Thursday 25 July 2019 19:08

Looks like they’re cutting the fat out of the organization in many different ways.