Today, it's my 25th birthday. I closed at work, not one person...

By alone in ND - 25/7/2019 16:00

Today, it's my 25th birthday. I closed at work, not one person wished me happy birthday, no calls or letters from my family. Even my boyfriend of 3 years didn’t remember. FML

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Gas giant

Mr Sensitivity

Blender time!

By Idiot says "HIPAA violation" - 27/6/2015 01:21 - United States - Roanoke

Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML

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By - 29/2/2020 20:00

May be

Today, while I was at my job as senior care, I was in a client's home vacuuming the carpet and found a very used vibrator that belonged to his wife. It wasn't clean. FML

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By sickofthesmelltoo - 28/2/2013 10:56 - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, my friends confronted me and told me that they no longer want to visit my house because my dog smells really disgusting. I didn't have the heart to tell them that the smell is actually my parents, who have been trying to "save water" by only showering once a fortnight. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2016 17:06 - United States

Today, I tried to power through work on a construction site after a couple of sick days. I can't do anything without constantly sucking on cough drops. And it turns out that excessive consumption of cough drops can have a laxative effect. FML

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By toazt - 10/10/2010 08:45 - United States

Today, after my marching band's performance, the girls had to change out of our uniforms in a very dark school bathroom. Someone turned on the lights and I realized that more than a dozen roaches had crawled into my skinny jeans. FML

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By nina - 11/8/2010 16:04 - Luxembourg

Today, I was talking to a friend about this stranger I kissed a few nights ago while drinking. I commented that I was ashamed of doing so, and to make matters worse, the guy was really unattractive. It turns out he was no stranger. I'd kissed my friend. FML

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By Sleep. - 27/11/2014 07:06 - United States - Imperial

Today, I finally got time to take a nap. Later, my mom asked me if I was depressed because I didn't leave my room for 3 hours. She talked to my dad about it, and now my family thinks I'm depressed because I slept for 3 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2011 14:12 - United States

Today, I learned that I have the balls to base jump and skydive, but I still can't ask out the hot girl working at the pub. FML

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By FML - 12/8/2010 16:19 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's mom and dad walked in on us while we were playing naked twister. FML

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By firedlol - 2/8/2018 19:00

Today, I accidentally showed up 5 minutes late for my shift. My boss mercifully declared that I would not be fired if I called my mother and told her I love her. My mom died 11 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2020 20:00

Creepy

Today, one week after moving into my new apartment in a new city to get away from my stalker ex, I met my new neighbour. Yep, stalker ex. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2012 14:50 - United States

Today, I received my best compliment of the year so far when an ER doctor commented positively on the clarity of my urine sample. FML

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By dancer101 - 4/2/2011 15:01 - United States

Today, I met my daughter's boyfriend, who she hopes to marry. I asked what he does, to which he answered, "I'm a Flamencologist." Flamencology? The study of Flamenco? Huh? FML

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By someoneelsessaliva - 5/6/2010 06:59 - Australia

Today, my two friends and I went to the movies. One of my friends brought my crush. They started making out, leaning over the armrest, until they were practically in my lap. Saliva got on my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2017 05:29 - United States - Irving

Today, my dad unlocked the bathroom door and barged in without warning only to catch me, with no clothes on, masturbating. He said, "sorry" but stayed for another 20 seconds to look for his shampoo. FML

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By JuicyJohn - 9/9/2009 01:33 - United States

Today, I realized that the shorts I have been wearing all day say "Juicy" on the ass. My name is John. FML

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By emzymcsmiles - 8/10/2019 02:00

Bye bye, then

Today, I learnt that I can't share my things with other people. This includes my girlfriend. FML

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By Repethetic - 2/4/2015 12:20 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was shopping with my boyfriend when we came across the most beautiful piece of Japanese furniture. When I inspected it closely, my boyfriend started laughing. Turns out I was making the same noise I make when I orgasm in reaction to a piece of furniture. FML

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By s3xygrandpa - 6/11/2013 19:09 - United States - Palm Harbor

Today, despite my fear of using public restrooms, I was forced to anyway to avoid my bladder exploding. I was finally getting over it when someone stuck their head under the stall to "see if someone's in there". I'm scared more now than I was before. FML

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By mylifesuckssomuch3214 - 7/12/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, after complaining to the administration about my roommate, I finally got switched. As I went into the room to meet my new roommate, I found out he was my old roommate's brother. They are exactly the same, and I'm not allowed to switch again. FML

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By Frozen Delight - 24/2/2019 22:00 - United States - New York

Today, my husband and our 4-year-old daughter were watching My Little Pony. When her favorite character angrily screamed, "You're going to love me!", she looked at him with a perplexed look. My husband then responded, "And THAT'S how I met your mommy!" FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 20:00

Let me in!

Today, I was turned away from a private event by security for being a girl. My name is Max; the name on the guest list was Max, but the security meathead insisted Max can only be a man's name and threw me out of the building. I was the event's key lecturer, and without me the event was cancelled. FML

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By bluten - 18/3/2009 16:42 - Canada

Today, I was watching this TV show where a man was describing how much he loved this woman, how he made every opportunity to see her, and how he loved her in a way nobody else could. I smiled, because that's exactly the way I feel about my crush. Then I realized the program was about stalkers. FML

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By Jayanka - 3/5/2018 05:00

Today, my 17-year-old daughter has been sending and receiving videos and pictures of a sexual nature. I just had to wade through a ton of middle-aged dick pics as evidence for the police. FML

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By turdburger - 2/9/2009 05:56 - Australia

Today, I noticed my wife makes more satisfied groans when she's taking a big dump than she does when we make love. FML

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By Josie Stiger - 19/3/2020 05:00

Denied

Today, I wrote out a note to the guy I liked. I went to hand it to him, but he said, "Sorry, that's not mine," and walked away. I was so nervous, I couldn't speak. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2012 17:26 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I decided to use hand sanitizer to mask the smell of my armpits at work. Not only did it intensify the stench, my boss thinks I have a drinking problem, because I vaguely smelled of alcohol. I was too embarrassed to explain. FML

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By NickC - 29/11/2009 00:40 - Malaysia

Today, my girlfriend's parents wanted to cook dinner for me. After a whole day of cooking up a storm, her parents cooked an elaborate meal of roast lamb, pork chops and grilled chicken. Rejecting a meal is like spitting in ones face in Chinese culture. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By sisco2901 - 22/1/2012 09:12 - Slovakia

Today, my recent ex-girlfriend posted a photo of herself on Facebook. It was a picture of herself in the arms of a half-naked male stripper. She posted it on my wall. FML

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By Iabnysmwytm - 29/7/2020 14:01

Yeah, that's the same

Today, we were talking about discrimination. I shared my story of being denied housing and a job offer because I'm trans. Some idiot tried to compare it to the time he was denied a car loan due to not having credit history. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 20:02

Today, I went to a seminar about non-prejudice and acceptance. I spent the whole time being made fun of because of my pink shirt. FML

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By escortedout - 23/10/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, I was at a movie theater. I heard some obnoxious people talking in front of me. After about 5 minutes, I began throwing popcorn at a group of suspected people. As I was escorted out, I realized that the obnoxious people were in the background of the movie. FML

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By PoorForever - 28/2/2016 13:53 - Australia - Heritage Park

Today, after meticulously rereading my application, merging references, budgets, academic transcripts and itineraries for an amazing scholarship, I clicked submit, only to remember that the system was on Daylight Savings time, which we don't have in my state! I missed out on $2,500 by 3 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2014 18:12 - United Kingdom - Ilminster

Today, I babysat a 6-year-old boy for the first time. When I said it was his bedtime, he just screamed "Eat a dick!" at me. I was so shocked, all I could do was leave him be. When his parents returned, I had to make up an excuse for why he was still awake and watching TV, to save my pride. FML

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By danielle - 23/4/2009 07:16 - United States

Today, my friend and I wanted to get some alcohol (we're under 21). We went to a liquor store and asked a random guy to go in and buy us some vodka. After giving him $20, he said he had to go turn off his car, then he'd get us the drinks. He got in his car and drove off, with my $20. FML

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By weak - 23/2/2014 14:36 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was helping my wife bring in the groceries. She was able to carry 4 bags and a jug of milk. I was struggling with 2 bags. FML

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By RaccoonFever - 10/1/2014 11:15 - United States - La Jolla

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML

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By DiskJockey - 5/8/2009 01:37 - United States

Today, I learned a valuable lesson, never leave your "Let It Be" album, which you paid $489 for on Ebay out on your desk. My brother also learned something, old records make for very breakable, one use frisbees. FML

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By Sick - 28/1/2017 16:00

Today, I noticed a thick layer of mold growing inside the straw of my water bottle. I use that bottle every day. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2012 00:15 - United States

Today, my eight-year-old son thought that if he swallowed soap, his farts would smell like soap. The smell of vomit and diarrhea now permeating my house is proof of how wrong he was. FML

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Top comments

By TCRII | 28

#7824826 - Thursday 25 July 2019 16:15

Happy birthday

By LostSoul | 19

#7824841 - Thursday 25 July 2019 17:22

Not actually true. Just a statement of how selfish and disconnected we have become. Thank you internet.

COMMENTS

By TCRII | 28

#7824826 - Thursday 25 July 2019 16:15

Happy birthday

By RichardPencil | 28

#7824828 - Thursday 25 July 2019 16:19

That’s a reflection on how you treated people during the previous 364 days.

LostSoul | 19

#7824841 - Thursday 25 July 2019 17:22

Not actually true. Just a statement of how selfish and disconnected we have become. Thank you internet.

RichardPencil | 28

#7824857 - Thursday 25 July 2019 17:50

Neither of us can know for sure.

oakleyoaks | 20

#7845966 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 7:16

I’m actually very kind and hard working at my job. I get praise often form my boss it just so happens that her birthday is the day after mine so I’m often forgotten

By [email protected] | 4

#7824829 - Thursday 25 July 2019 16:30

happy birthday

By Mathalamus | 24

#7824835 - Thursday 25 July 2019 16:52

Birthdays get less important over time, but not that less. Oh well. Not a lot you can do.

By alicelouise66 | 5

#7824855 - Thursday 25 July 2019 17:49

that's why you remind people in advance.

By raven_of_azarath | 32

#7824909 - Thursday 25 July 2019 20:08

My birthday’s heading this way. Both my mom and brother gave me leftover Christmas presents for my birthday (which is in February). My mom gave me the bag and told me it was supposed to be Christmas present, but she couldn’t find it. My brother gave me a book he told me Christmas Day he had ordered but it hadn’t come in yet.

By swagmag | 2

#7824910 - Thursday 25 July 2019 20:13

happy birthday op

By WaywardSaint | 3

#7824977 - Thursday 25 July 2019 23:33

Happy 25th Birthday OP!

By whathaveigotten | 3

#7824999 - Friday 26 July 2019 0:46

Happy birthday Bebe

By childlessmother | 16

#7825050 - Friday 26 July 2019 2:25

Welcome to adulthood