Today, it's my 25th birthday. I closed at work, not one person...

By alone in ND - 25/7/2019 16:00

Today, it's my 25th birthday. I closed at work, not one person wished me happy birthday, no calls or letters from my family. Even my boyfriend of 3 years didn’t remember. FML

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Dad jokes, part 43884

All in the family

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By AmericanAlien - 9/3/2014 02:15 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I've been waiting for a very important document in the mail. It has been two months. I reviewed my application and realized I forgot to put a mailing address down. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2013 16:43 - United States - Houston

Today, I found out that I'm highly-placed in my wrestling competition this year. I also found out that I have mono and won't be able to take part for at least the first half of the competition. FML

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By Jopes - 10/5/2009 12:44 - United States

Today, I cut down a dead tree in my yard. The top hit the ground and the base seesawed up in the air and came down on my head. I hit the ground like a sack of flour. Fortunately, the wood was rotted and soft. Unfortunately, the chainsaw was still running. 28 stitches in my calf. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2011 16:15 - United States

Today, I was lying on the floor playing with my cat. I was holding her in the air, when my sister tripped over the TV cord and unplugged the cable. The TV made a loud fuzzy sound, I got scared and threw my cat in the air. I got scratched in the face by a falling cat. FML

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By ApolloandDixie - 23/12/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, my mom and I were going to the store. I decided to stay in the car while she went in. In the car next to me, there was a dog in the driver's seat barking at me. Bored, I barked back at it until I realized there was someone in the passenger's seat watching me. FML

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By failure as a parent - 11/5/2013 21:19 - United States - Bound Brook

Today, my teenage daughter nearly burned down our house because she wanted to take "artsy" pictures with a lighter for Instagram. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2019 06:26

Today, I was driving behind a tall truck when it drove through some overhanging branches. Suddenly, a huge branch fell on top of my car, leaving it scratched all over and with several dents in the roof. FML

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By weave9z - 4/9/2012 02:08 - Canada - Montreal

Today, my wife made up her own theme song for when she pees in the shower. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, after wondering why I've never met my father, I asked my mom if I was the product of a one night stand. She replied with, "Well, technically he didn't spend the night." FML

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By Undersexed - 14/9/2016 22:01 - United States - Washington

Today, my husband complained about my lack of sex drive. Gee, I wonder why Mr. "Always comes first by humping for a whopping 30 seconds." FML

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By Fabio - 29/7/2016 00:13 - Malta - Piet?

Today, my girlfriend started insulting me on Facebook. Angry and hurt, I let it all out and insulted her back with her obesity. Turns out it was her brother who used her account to play a "prank" on me. FML

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By spiderwoman - 15/4/2011 11:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a spider crawling across a poster in my bedroom, so I smacked the spot below it to scare the spider into climbing back up the wall. Instead, because the poster wasn't completely flat to the wall, I catapulted the spider straight into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2019 20:00

Racing rats

Today, after working my ass off for months for an open supervisor job at my work, I found out that they hired someone for the position. The guy has never worked for the company before, has a background completely unrelated to what we do, and has to be trained as he knows nothing about what we do. FML

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By fuglyphotographer - 23/10/2011 18:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I uploaded my latest picture onto a photography website. It only got one comment, and even that was from someone advising me to never use the same hideous model ever again. It was a self-portrait. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2015 06:33 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my boyfriend uploaded a pic to snapchat that said "the love of my life." It was a pic of our beautiful baby girl. Then he uploaded another pic that said "the 2nd love of my life." It was a pic of the fuel truck he drives for work. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2016 02:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a ticket for being drunk in public. I was walking a couple blocks from the bar to my house, because I didn't want to drive drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2017 06:03

Today, I purchased a cactus in a cute little pot and put it on my windowsill so it could get sun. Unfortunately, that's also where I have my alarm clock. Guess which one I grabbed in the morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 02:31 - United States

Today, I had to go to the bathroom. I was in a rush, so I went into the boys bathroom. I then had diarrhea. The entire basketball team was waiting for me outside the stall. They did a slow clap for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2012 12:30 - United States

Today, I found out how it feels to get your nut-sack caught in a belt buckle. FML

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By Dumbfounded - 8/8/2012 23:03 - United States - Padre Island Ntl Seashor

Today, my wife yelled at me for admitting I take my wedding ring off at work. I explained that I work in a chemistry lab and don't want to damage it. She laughed and said, "Oh please, that chemistry stuff is nonsense anyway." All while reading her horoscope. FML

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By eggs - 28/2/2009 06:30 - Canada

Today, while at work at my grocery store I sold a TON of eggs to a bunch of kids. We joked around that they were "going to bake a giant cake." When I got home I found out someone had egged my house. FML

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By WartCream - 18/8/2013 00:27 - United States - Olathe

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a weird wart-removal ad came on. He watched in disgust as the lady's wart said rude things to her. Then he looked at me and said seriously, "I'm glad yours don't talk..." FML

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By mandythepandy - 4/3/2017 04:00

Noise annoys

Today, same as every other day, I had to pick up around 8 spoons because my cats love to take them and drop them on the floor around my house so they can listen to the noise. FML

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By ChrisD2V - 1/12/2011 03:52 - United States

Today, I photocopied several hundred pages of my school's textbook because I didn't want to buy it. My school later says to just buy it and it will be reimbursed. FML

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By Cassandra - 14/10/2011 00:10 - United States

Today, my mom took a bright red sharpie and drew a red circle just above my breasts. She said, "If I can see this, ever, your shirt is either too low cut or too see through and it will be thrown away." FML

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By WaffleMan - 8/6/2012 11:58 - United States - Stirling

Today, I was in a business meeting. I was giving a Powerpoint presentation to my boss and a few other associates. Then a notification popped up in the middle of my presentation reminding me that I needed to renew my pornhub subscription. FML

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By jadkins - 6/7/2009 19:33 - Netherlands

Today, I was flirting with this cute girl from Croatia who is part of the my exchange group in Holland. After a few beers and some smooth talking, she led me inside to a closed off room. We were about to have sex when her boyfriend of 2 years called and proposed to her. FML

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By notoneatall - 7/7/2014 03:39 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I got called a cunt at work by a customer. What could I have said that could have caused them to say that? "Have a great day." FML

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By LaundryVictim - 15/6/2016 20:50

Today, I picked up my laundry from the wash-and-fold and proceeded to put everything away. I noticed a hand towel that wasn't mine and made a mental note to return it; turned out they'd given me someone else's boxers as well. My boyfriend doesn't believe me. FML

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By Spraylady - 29/2/2016 21:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I think my unborn child has developed a sense of humour. The little cherub is usually very calm, but must have realised that if he/she kicks me hard enough in this particular place near my bladder, I'll piss myself on the spot like a race horse. It's happened twice now. FML

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By MLeguillon - 1/9/2014 04:34 - United States - Imperial

Today, after years of wonderful flying experiences, I boarded a flight and took my seat only to find a baby sitting in front of me, behind me, and to the right of me, and across the aisle from me. All of whom decided to cry in unison. It was a 9-hour flight. FML

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By candidcripple - 30/12/2014 05:57 - United States

Today, while sitting in a handicapped seat on the bus, an old man angrily approached me and chewed me out in front of everyone for not leaving the seat empty for "those who actually need it." Then he stormed off the bus, stepping heavily on my broken foot. FML

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By anonymous - 14/9/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend cheated on me. But he justified it by saying she was a ginger. FML

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By cachow - 6/9/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, I was cutting the grass when I saw a man staring at me from my neighbor's garage. This went on for 5 minutes until I finally yelled 'hello'. There was no response, and I was creeped out, so I called my neighbor. It was a life-sized Paul McCartney cutout. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2019 06:12

Today, during a driving lesson, I accidentally rear-ended a BMW at a traffic light. The number plate was "Law Man." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2017 13:00 - Canada

Today, I booked my holiday flights. There's 700 miles between the small country I live in and the family I'm visiting, normally one 3-hour flight. Thanks to hurricanes Irma and Maria, the only available route traverses 1700 miles and will take 26 continuous hours. FML

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By outofluckatcollege - 27/8/2016 07:33 - United States - Lewisville

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't stuck rooming together for the rest of a semester that hasn't even started yet. FML

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By Brittany - 10/4/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's friends were throwing him a surprise birthday party. I thought it'd be funny to get him some fuzzy handcuffs and a box of condoms as a gift. They never told me they invited his parents. FML

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By runescapeftw - 29/12/2010 18:18 - United States

Today, the police called and told me that they had Alex in custody. Apparently, she had public sex with another woman and wants me to come bail her out. Alex is my mom. FML

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By awkward - 27/2/2011 12:39 - Finland

Today, my mom got me a job working for the man she's cheating on my dad with. My dad doesn't know that she's cheating, and my mom doesn't know that I know. It's just awkward. FML

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Top comments

By TCRII | 26

#7824826 - Thursday 25 July 2019 16:15

Happy birthday

By LostSoul | 19

#7824841 - Thursday 25 July 2019 17:22

Not actually true. Just a statement of how selfish and disconnected we have become. Thank you internet.

Comments

By TCRII | 26

#7824826 - Thursday 25 July 2019 16:15

Happy birthday

By RichardPencil | 28

#7824828 - Thursday 25 July 2019 16:19

That’s a reflection on how you treated people during the previous 364 days.

LostSoul | 19

#7824841 - Thursday 25 July 2019 17:22

Not actually true. Just a statement of how selfish and disconnected we have become. Thank you internet.

RichardPencil | 28

#7824857 - Thursday 25 July 2019 17:50

Neither of us can know for sure.

oakleyoaks | 20

#7845966 - Tuesday 24 September 2019 7:16

I’m actually very kind and hard working at my job. I get praise often form my boss it just so happens that her birthday is the day after mine so I’m often forgotten

By [email protected] | 4

#7824829 - Thursday 25 July 2019 16:30

happy birthday

By Mathalamus | 24

#7824835 - Thursday 25 July 2019 16:52

Birthdays get less important over time, but not that less. Oh well. Not a lot you can do.

By alicelouise66 | 5

#7824855 - Thursday 25 July 2019 17:49

that's why you remind people in advance.

By raven_of_azarath | 32

#7824909 - Thursday 25 July 2019 20:08

My birthday’s heading this way. Both my mom and brother gave me leftover Christmas presents for my birthday (which is in February). My mom gave me the bag and told me it was supposed to be Christmas present, but she couldn’t find it. My brother gave me a book he told me Christmas Day he had ordered but it hadn’t come in yet.

By swagmag | 2

#7824910 - Thursday 25 July 2019 20:13

happy birthday op

By WaywardSaint | 3

#7824977 - Thursday 25 July 2019 23:33

Happy 25th Birthday OP!

By whathaveigotten | 3

#7824999 - Friday 26 July 2019 0:46

Happy birthday Bebe

By childlessmother | 16

#7825050 - Friday 26 July 2019 2:25

Welcome to adulthood