Love: Today, I was stood up on a date. Her excuse? "I had to work out."... - FML

By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 20:33 - United States

Today, I was stood up on a date. Her excuse? "I had to work out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 149

You deserved it 3 564

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Our house, in the middle of our street

Good kid

By Anonymous - 18/05/2012 19:19 - United States - Paterson

Today, I went to the water park with my boyfriend. A swimsuit was required to go on the rides. My bikini straps somehow got torn off and I had nothing else with me. My boyfriend said, "Hell, just wear my spare shorts. You could pass as a guy with your chest". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 376

You deserved it 3 523

By WeezysBaby - 28/03/2009 22:13 - Canada

Today, I was going through my old MSN conversations. I then realized that when I first got MSN, I didn't know that messages you sent after people went offline would be delivered to them when they signed in. I used to type 'I love you' to my crush after every time he went offline. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 560

You deserved it 91 260

By Unlucky - 24/05/2010 00:22 - Australia

Today, I have both a cold and a period. Tomorrow, I will have a cold, my period and my wisdom teeth taken out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 401

You deserved it 3 785

By anon - 13/05/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, I graduated from college and my parents gave me an apple. Not the computer, the fruit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 148

You deserved it 5 621

By Smooth - 11/04/2009 07:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had hooked up with this girl and had finally lulled her asleep. I didn't want to stay so I quietly managed to get my clothes back on and get out the door without waking her. I made it all the way out of her building and to my car before I realized I had forgotten my keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 337

You deserved it 112 167

By jhftrainer23 - 05/08/2011 14:42 - United States

Today, the woman I'm training at work asked, while staring intently at the keyboard, "now, which one of these buttons is the space-bar again?" She is 80 years old, types about 1 word per minute, and I have just one week to get her completely trained. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 751

You deserved it 2 847

By ice_dancer_jake - 20/06/2019 02:28

Today, after spending the day at work avoiding all hard manual tasks that may harm me, I had a table dropped on my foot. I broke my toe, split my nail and had to get a tetanus shot. I was avoiding injury as I was supposed to be performing in a figure skating exhibition this evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 818

You deserved it 184

By gottapee - 26/04/2011 23:11 - United States

Today, I stepped outdoors for a minute. The wind blew the door shut, locking me outside. I've spent the last two hours pounding frantically on the windows, trying to wake my 4 year old son who is inside. I can see him sleeping soundly on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 629

You deserved it 6 001

By hugme101 - 20/12/2010 00:20 - Canada

Today, after a long time convincing my parents that my boyfriend is really a good guy, not only did he decide to come by the house completely drunk, but he also ended up trying to kiss my mom, thinking it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 014

You deserved it 9 677

By effyou - 10/02/2011 05:16 - United States

Today, my best friend decided to start dating my ex. We broke up yesterday. She also thinks I'm crazy because I'm upset about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 298

You deserved it 4 207

By DrLight - 17/01/2015 01:59 - United States - Raleigh

Today, a kid looked at me, screamed, then ran away yelling "Chewbacca!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 379

You deserved it 3 739

By Anonymous - 14/03/2014 05:07 - Australia - Brighton

Today, I had the cops called on me for acting suspiciously. I was using a payphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 600

You deserved it 3 998

By Anonymous - 10/11/2018 15:30

Today, I woke up next to my roommate staring in horror. She said I was singing and farting in my sleep. Loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 764

You deserved it 287

By Anonymous - 27/02/2012 12:29 - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst vaginal itching and swelling. I then find out it was brought on by my boyfriend's cheap brand of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 990

You deserved it 3 744

By BlueSuit - 14/02/2016 19:20 - United States - New York

Today, my boss gave me some mentorship. She told me, "You need to learn to let people do things for you. Until then, I'm going to micromanage your project because I want it done my way." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 458

You deserved it 1 392

By Anonymous - 16/01/2013 06:42

Today, I was the last person in line for going on the bus. Incidentally, I was right behind a guy way taller and wider than me. When he got on the bus, the bus driver immediately shut the door behind him. I was left outside chasing after the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 807

You deserved it 2 392

By NeedALittleRoomToBreathe - 08/06/2017 16:00

Today, and for the past month, I've been feeling lightheaded from a breathing problem. I've now been prescribed a medication to help with my anxiety and my breathing issue, which would in turn help stop me from getting so lightheaded. The side effect of said medication: lightheadedness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 810

You deserved it 283

By Anonymous - 29/05/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I learned to never blast classic rock with your convertible's top down while passing an SUV full of gangbanger wanna-bes. That is, of course, unless you want your immaculate, newly detailed leather seats to be decorated with pretty brown and white milkshake stains. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 724

You deserved it 8 594

Hidden

By fml9124 - 20/09/2019 14:00

Today, I saw a scorpion crawling across the kitchen floor. While trying to swat it towards the middle of the floor to prevent it from escaping as I looked for something to kill it with, my cat came to investigate. Kitty thought I was playing with a new toy and joined in by batting the scorpion under the oven. I know it's plotting its revenge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 322

You deserved it 154

By Username - 04/08/2010 05:18 - France

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 939

You deserved it 3 820

Love is blind

By Anonymous - 01/05/2020 23:00

Today, my ex-wife confessed to me that she's in love with my father and broke down crying because he's never approved of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 733

You deserved it 144

By confidence taken - 23/08/2014 06:26 - United States - Bay Springs

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend called me in tears, convinced that he found me in a porn video online. It wasn't me. And when I finally got him to give me the web address, I too started crying at the realization of how fat he thinks I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 894

You deserved it 5 827

By youwouldbeacat - 28/04/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I was making a nacho and grabbed some refried beans that were in a plastic container out of the fridge and put them on top of the chips. After I’m completely done eating my mom looks in the fridge and asked me if I knew where the cat food was. I just ate a small can of cat food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 732

You deserved it 53 481

By McKenna - 16/07/2011 04:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was sending my boyfriend dirty texts to try and turn him on so when I see him the next day he will want to get intimate. Twenty minutes later he texts back, "ew stop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 226

You deserved it 17 846

By whywasitthere - 19/04/2017 09:00 - United States - New Braunfels

Spicy

Today, I was walking down my road in the hill-country of Texas, when I spotted something shiny buried in the dirt. Thinking it could be something interesting, I picked it up, and, after turning it over numerous times in my hand, realized that it was, in fact, an old silver bullet vibrator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 020

You deserved it 1 029

By lance - 10/04/2010 05:00 - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by a cop and was fined $210 for making an illegal u-turn. When the cop finished writing my ticket and hopped in his car, he made the same u-turn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 723

You deserved it 7 447

By petra84 - 22/10/2012 22:34 - United States - Evans

Today, I let a friend borrow a power saw. When I found it on my porch later, the blade was missing and the cord was cut. Looking closer, I realized it was his saw. He kept my new one. He totally denies that he switched them and now won't answer his door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 039

You deserved it 2 246

By Secondyearcollegekid - 03/10/2018 15:30

Today, one of my housemates licked or bit all 12 of the cupcakes I bought to give to a friend as a thank-you gift. No one will own up to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 950

You deserved it 295

By adderallgirl - 12/06/2009 20:04 - United States

Today, I woke up feeling like shit after I had spent the whole night taking care of my sick boyfriend. He got up early, feeling great, bouncing around the house. When I finally got up I told him I didn't feel well and he yelled at me for being a bitch in the morning that slows him down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 863

You deserved it 5 315

By Anonymous - 21/12/2009 09:33 - Australia

Today, I got my first tip. It was a Mentos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 672

You deserved it 5 657

By Paul - 02/05/2013 01:52 - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. After yelling and firing me, his assistant comes in telling him he had mistaken me for someone else. He did not give me my job back, as he claimed it would make an awkward work environment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 968

You deserved it 2 600

By aelia_oups - 31/12/2012 22:09 - France - Taverny

Today, as I have been for 10 years, I'm allergic to fruit. After an argument with my mother, she yelled, "Here, have a banana and go kill yourself!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 263

You deserved it 7 518

By smarie09 - 06/03/2010 22:44 - Canada

Today, I accidentally downloaded a virus, which hijacked my email program. I somehow doubt the Dean at my university will thank me for my suggestion that he too could experience 100% natural male enhancement pills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 059

You deserved it 5 982

By Anonymous - 23/12/2015 17:11 - Germany

Today, as I passed a printout over my shoulder to my mum, I managed to give myself a papercut on my tear duct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 599

You deserved it 2 670

By Lizzzyygurl - 02/09/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, a foreigner walked into my restaurant to pick up his pizzas. The bill was $25 and he gave me $30 and a 100 dollar bill. I gave him his change from the 30 and I didn't understand so I gave him back the 100 dollars. He said "Well if you dont want it, okay." He was gonna tip me $100. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 649

You deserved it 14 575

By Anonymous - 05/04/2016 20:13 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I forgot an important book for school, because I dreamt that I was putting it in my bag. My brain somehow classified it as reality. This isn't the first time my dreams have trolled me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 135

You deserved it 2 420

By Anonymous - 27/08/2013 18:39 - United States - East Northport

Today, at soccer tryouts, the coach made us run the entire practice. I ran the whole two hours ahead of everyone. When the tryout ended, I vomited due to dehydration. I didn't make the team. The coach's reasoning: "Only the weak throw up". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 887

You deserved it 5 181

By Very Divorced - 10/10/2018 20:00 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I learned that my boyfriend is cheating on me with not one, not two, but nine girls. How he did it, I don't even know. How I found out? I was coming into my room to surprise him for his birthday and saw him having a threesome. We have kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 750

You deserved it 430

By Anonymous - 12/09/2010 16:56 - United States

Spicy

Today, I admitted to my mother that I've had sex with my boyfriend. She seemed to handle it well, but when my boyfriend came over, she condemned him to hell in between asking him what he would like to have for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 940

You deserved it 10 289

By lolilovemyboyfriend - 19/10/2011 14:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 842

You deserved it 18 500

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Saturday 18 December 2010 23:37

Ugh.. why can't people just be honest with one another..

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Saturday 18 December 2010 23:43

i guess shes saving the "i have to wash my hair" for next time.

Comments

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Saturday 18 December 2010 23:33

Maybe it's for the best; you dodged a fatty.

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Saturday 18 December 2010 23:38

You apparently didn't detect my sarcasm.

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Saturday 18 December 2010 23:52

Sorry, my sarcasm detector must not be working. Didn't catch a word of it.

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Saturday 18 December 2010 23:52

your so ugly ffml I migt die uhhh I see your face again... Ugh...

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Saturday 18 December 2010 23:53

BOO! Did it work?

KingDingALing 9

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Sunday 19 December 2010 0:13

Sarcasm is your friend, people. :)

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Sunday 19 December 2010 0:43

Possibly, or she found out OP was a jerk if not they she was never really interested. Hey, at least you ended up paying half of what you would have.

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Sunday 19 December 2010 0:47

Eh..hows about I'd rather be hot and get with a better guy than YOU. FYL, dude.

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Sunday 19 December 2010 2:45

better then she had to wash her hair... haha

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Sunday 19 December 2010 3:40

how is she a fatty if she's at the gym?

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Sunday 19 December 2010 10:24

just cuz someone works out doesn't mean they are fatt

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Wednesday 25 May 2011 6:31

you shouldve gone with her

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Monday 28 April 2014 5:17

Unwarranted comment. Way harsh.

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Saturday 18 December 2010 23:36

Well would you rather have a really fat girlfriend?

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Sunday 19 December 2010 11:43

I like your style.

CantusVulpis 12

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Friday 17 August 2012 7:35

Lol, until I saw that he was from Wisconsin I thought this was my ex- no joke I said this to my bf when he wanted to go out to a fair.

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Saturday 18 December 2010 23:37

Ugh.. why can't people just be honest with one another..

iSitt 0

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Sunday 19 December 2010 0:24

When she's not that into you, the excuse doesn't matter. Haven't you made up whatever excuse seemed most plausible instead of hurting her feelings ?

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Sunday 19 December 2010 1:12

no one wants to be the bad guy

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Sunday 19 December 2010 1:54

That seems pretty damn honest to me. She ditched him to do something she could do anytime. Makes sense

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Sunday 19 December 2010 6:35

#3 whatever reason is. stood up on a date is not a good thing to do

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Sunday 19 December 2010 6:38

ugh sorry that was meant for #31

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Saturday 18 December 2010 23:38

I guess she wanted to say that you need to work out too

NeverShoutHaylee 0

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Saturday 18 December 2010 23:39

Let her workout? Maybe she doesn't want to be fat.

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Sunday 19 December 2010 0:00

As if that is a good enough excuse. I bet this is one of the girls who also complains "All guys are dicks"

NeverShoutHaylee 0

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Sunday 19 December 2010 1:44

lol no, I was being sarcastic.

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Saturday 18 December 2010 23:43

i guess shes saving the "i have to wash my hair" for next time.

macskapingvin 0

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Sunday 19 December 2010 1:42

Or maybe her hair is just really clean already.

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Saturday 18 December 2010 23:44

maybe she's self conscious about her arm flab????

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Saturday 18 December 2010 23:46

She was probably working out for your next date!

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Saturday 18 December 2010 23:46

This is when you could've been smooth with a comment on how you could give her an unforgettable workout at your place after dinner... but you're not that witty.

unidentified_sta 5

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Sunday 19 December 2010 0:00

Not really witty, haven't seen any witty sexual innuendos in quite some time.

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Sunday 19 December 2010 5:54

That isn't witty at all. Any dumb frat boy can think up a line like yours.

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Saturday 18 December 2010 23:48

Did you stop to think that her definition of "working out" could be different than yours?

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Sunday 19 December 2010 0:07

was thinking the same thing her other date was giving her a real pumping workout

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 11

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 372

You deserved it 1 029

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 825

You deserved it 1 169