Love: Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for our one year...

By KarolBee - United States

Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. Trying to be romantic, I told him that I loved him and I was so glad I was with him. He responded by giving me a thumbs-up and turning back to the TV. FML

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Love

Understandable

Serious times

It's called being a wage slave

By Anonymous

Today, after finishing a bottle and a half of pure cranberry juice to flush my bladder for a possible infection, I've been spewing liquid shits all day, my asshole burns and it hurts to sit. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realized how bad my depression has gotten when I caught myself fantasizing about suicide while having sex with my husband. FML

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By varsity soccer player - United States

Today, I had my first day of soccer tryouts. We began with a two mile run. Trying to be honest for once, I didn't lie about my time. Everyone else did. I thus got the worst score, and had to run it again. FML

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By kinky - United States

Today, I had to explain to my doctor and parents that I dislocated my shoulder while masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland

Today, I found out that my mom had read my diary because she was worried. She now knows details about my depression, details about my sex life, such as how I lost my virginity, to whom (I don't have a boyfriend), and what condition I was in at the time (drunk as a duck). She also showed my dad. FML

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By sad sack. - United States

Today, I got an email notification from Yahoo! Personals: "Hi, we've found 0 new matches for you". FML

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By MWT77 - United States - Chicago

Today, I came home from my aunt's funeral to find my basement flooded due to a sewer backup. FML

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By Hornymuch - Germany

Today, I realized why it's a bad idea to store your business cards and your "emergency condom" in the same handbag compartment. I realized this after a client watched me miss the cards and pull out the condom after our lunch meeting. FML

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By FlamedOut

Today, I discovered that my Tinder date is the roommate and best friend of a date from the previous week that went sour. He also hangs out with my former high school flame. What are the chances? FML

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By Timmy - France

Today, I got caught stealing lollies. I am 25. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, barely 2 hours into a 5 hour car ride home, my mom accidentally let slip that she's been cheating on my dad. I had to sit with the bitch in a diner for ages while my dad bawled his eyes out alone in the car. FML

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By Nearis - United States

Today, I received a call from the police about a car accident that I was a witness to. As the only witness who stopped to help, I was remembered by the other cars involved. They're blaming me for the accident. The cops want to talk. FML

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By you would - United States

Today, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. It is also my 39th birthday today. For my birthday present, she gave me a subscription to match.com. FML

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By bluediva24

Today, I spent all day preparing a big, elaborate Italian dinner for my boyfriend, who recently discovered he was part Italian. He came home, turned up his nose and said "I was in the mood for Chinese". FML

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By "levsterx"

Today, my mom dragged me along with her to a baby shower. I was the only guy there. FML

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By Charli

Today, after months of my (now ex) boyfriend telling me he wished I was blonde with big boobs, I finally retaliated with "I wish you were a redhead with a big dick, but you don't see me complaining." He cried and said I should love him for who he is. FML

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By Aginsafa - United States

Today, at work my boss told me I have been late, under-productive, and using up a lot of sick days. He says my job is on the line. My reason for barely showing up at work: I've been on maternity leave for 6 weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, to enhance our sex life, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex in our local mall's parking lot. The feeling of getting caught is fun and exhilarating. Until you actually get caught. FML

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By login_eddy - France

Today, while cleaning behind a ladder, I banged my head on one of the hand rails. I stood up, cursed, and moved to the other side. To my luck, I hit the other side of my head. I now have two lumps perfectly placed as horns on my head. FML

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By dragonstooth257

Today, my child is so super clingy and needy, I have to sit and watch her bounce on the trampoline attentatively or else face hours and hours of whining. She's like the Screamapillar from the Simpsons. FML

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By me - United States - Bronx

Today, as a part of my autobiography project for school, I needed to have 2 friends and 2 family members each write me a letter. I ended up having to forge 3 letters. FML

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By Sad guy - 8/1/2021 20:01 - United States - Baltimore

Brotherly love

Today, I felt so lonely that I was almost jealous of the way Chris Cuomo and Don Lemon playfully express affection for each other on CNN. FML

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By Sith Dad

Today, I accompanied my daughter to her classmate's Disney Princess themed birthday party. Minutes in, the celebrant's mother kindly asked us to leave because my daughter was ruining the theme. How? She dressed up as Princess Leia. FML

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By adam - United States

Today, I made heart shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML

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By CollegeStudent

Today, after being excited and trying to make plans with all my friends, they all turned out to be busy. After watching Netflix most of the night, I check my Snapchat stories only to see them all hanging out without me at one of their houses. FML

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By crap car - United States - Golden

Today, a friend was making fun of our teacher's car, calling it dorkmobile and saying only idiots would own that car. It's the same as the car I just bought. FML

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By Anonymous - Estonia - Tallinn

Same

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

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By warp_routine - United States

Today, I got on an elevator with a woman and her child. I was the first one on. When she stepped on, the capacity alarm went off. As she left she told her daughter that's why fat people shouldn't be allowed in public. I'm 145 lbs. She was twice my size. I got called fat by a hippopotamus. FML

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By noway6000 - United States

Today, my parents left for work before I had to leave for school and I decided to skip. I stayed by the phone, expecting the school to call so I could pose as my parent and excuse my absence. The phone rings and I pick up. It's my Mom, calling to leave my dad a message on the machine. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wrexham

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, and I really started getting into it. I said, "Hang on tight, this is gonna get intense." She replied, "Doubt it" and yawned. FML

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By me - United States

Today, I came home from work to my 3 year old daughter sniffing the rug in the living room. When I asked her what she was doing she said "Daddy smell this." So I went, got on my knees and bent down to smell it and she pushed my face in the dog crap smeared in the rug. FML

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By postop - United States - Far Rockaway

Today, I woke up to my mother telling me to sit up and get dressed because we had to go before it was too late. I just woke up from surgery. She didn't want to be stuck in traffic. FML

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By ohsnap - Australia

Today, I took my car through the car wash. I got bored, so turned the radio on, forgetting that the aerial/antenna on the car is automatic. My car aerial is now bent at a 90 degree angle and about to fall off. The radio is half white noise, half stuff that may or may not be free jazz jam sessions. FML

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By WarMachine68 - United States - Shawnee

Today, just before a job interview, I coughed so violently that I lost my voice. FML

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By Confused - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was yelled at for smoking at a bus stop, because a woman didn't appreciate me smoking by her children. She did this while waving her own lit cigarette in my face. FML

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By Embarassed - United States

Today, I had to explain to my father why most of the bar was giving him dirty looks at a concert. His air guitar motions made it look like he was jacking off under the table. FML

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Today, the little bell in my car that lets you know your keys are still in your ignition went out. How did I find out? I locked myself out of both my house and my car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was feeling a bit randy, so when my boyfriend got home, I jumped on him and gave him a proper deep-tongue kiss. I noticed he tasted a bit weird, so I asked him when he last brushed his teeth. His answer: the day we had dinner with his mother. That was 2 weeks ago. FML

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By Nick - United States

Today, while I was working as a waitress, I had to wait on a table of 13 people. I was struggling through it and when they finally left I went by the table to pick up my tip. Instead of a money I got a napkin saying "Here's your tip, don't be a waitress." FML

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By Manny Managerson - 23/11/2020 11:01 - United States

The Terminator

Today, a furious woman stormed into my job, demanding to know why I fired her precious baby boy. I explained that watching porn on the clock is grounds for termination. She screamed that I was lying about him and that she’ll see me in court for slandering him. I had to call the cops to make her leave. FML

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Top comments

By teamhat | 0

#197687 - Thursday 14 May 2009 12:07

what a nice boyfriend you have there

By redbluegreen | 40

#197717 - Thursday 14 May 2009 12:22

#9, they want to be the one that changes them into a nice guy or "saves" them, and most likely, they have daddy issues. Some just like to be with someone difficult or who will control them, because its "cute". Usually, in that last case, it just turns into abuse.

That's my own personal opinion anyway.

COMMENTS

By teamhat | 0

#197687 - Thursday 14 May 2009 12:07

what a nice boyfriend you have there

DIEHARDRUSHFAN | 0

#969726 - Sunday 28 March 2010 7:23

You know, more people don't want to hear these three words (I love you), most want to hear these three words...LET'S GET NAKED

okieraider71 | 4

#1084380 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 12:23

If he does not want to talk to you then stuff your period stained panties in his mouth. Then leave.

By HurriKaty | 4

#197689 - Thursday 14 May 2009 12:07

Diiiick!

By VegasMade702 | 0

#197693 - Thursday 14 May 2009 12:09

yah sounds like you got a winner there....way to pick em...LOL but that sucks hunn...

By JOELY_fml | 0

#197697 - Thursday 14 May 2009 12:10

LEGEEENND

By redbluegreen | 40

#197699 - Thursday 14 May 2009 12:11

Since you've been with him a year, I doubt this is highly an unusual behavior for him. What were you expecting?

That sucks though. It's not like its a random day you're saying all this, its your anniversary.

By crownme | 0

#197701 - Thursday 14 May 2009 12:11

Classic. . .YDI for disturbin your boyfriend while watchin tv lol

Akawolf | 11

#6348471 - Sunday 12 July 2015 10:52

I doubt you'll get a girlfriend with that kind of attitude, just saying. Have some empathy...

By jazminbliss | 0

#197708 - Thursday 14 May 2009 12:15

ooouuuch. I would have gotten soo pissed off at my boy. haha he would never hear the end of it, but really that does suck...

honestly #6???

By driscoll1985 | 0

#197709 - Thursday 14 May 2009 12:15

It really does depend what was on TV. If it was 24 then it really should be your boyfriends fml for interupting his bauer hour with an I love you!!!

By zandar | 0

#197713 - Thursday 14 May 2009 12:19

Never understood what women find attractive about assholes. Anybody want to enlighten me?

By torgie | 1

#197716 - Thursday 14 May 2009 12:22

Just one year and he's already indifferent. Nice.