Animals: Today, I was sitting in my garden and having a cup of tea while... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 105

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 239

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 715

You deserved it 123

10/09/2009 13:40

Today, I was sitting in my garden and having a cup of tea while watching some dragonflies. I thought the dragonflies were really pretty, so I ran towards them and tried to catch their tails like I used to when I was a kid. They were exotic wasps. Ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 315

You deserved it 50 128

Broken heart

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Hiding from the drama

26/11/2018 12:00

Today, I was loving on a dog at work. I noticed her fur was coarse and short and I'd never felt anything like it before. I broke out in hives all over my face. This happens whenever I'm around any cats, guinea pigs, or rabbits and now some dogs apparently. I'm in school to be a vet tech. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 611

You deserved it 458

03/09/2009 19:55

Today, I tried to wash my cat in the shower, conveniently naked myself. He disapproved, scratching my man-parts and nicking a vein. I just got back from the hospital with a blood infection, swollen nuts, and an hole in my butt where I had to get a shot of antibiotics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 581

You deserved it 71 092

13/09/2010 00:10

Today, I was asked to crawl through a sun roof because one of my co workers locked her keys in her car. After I got the keys, instead of opening the car door, I climbed back out through the sun roof. To laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 394

You deserved it 42 347

09/12/2013 12:59

Today, my car broke down. I pulled to the side of the road to call a tow truck. After waiting what seemed like hours, the tow truck showed up, and then ran into the back of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 065

You deserved it 2 851

Unhappy birthday

By Anonymous - 05/11/2019 19:00

Today, my cleaner wished me a happy birthday. My family and friends forgot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 991

You deserved it 186

10/06/2012 08:47

Today, while at my cosmetics job, an elderly lady came up to me asking for a product. I told her we had a smaller size and a larger size for a better deal. She told me she wanted the smaller size because she'd "probably be dead" before she finished that one. I laughed. She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 882

You deserved it 5 224

Shoulda, woulda, coulda

By Anonymous - 12/01/2021 02:02

Today, I found out about bitcoin around 2012 when it cost $20. I had about $40k of money to invest at the time. That would be about 2,000 BTC. If I'd just bought and held onto it until now, it would be worth $60,000,000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 515

You deserved it 701

26/07/2013 18:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Instead of moaning like any normal person, he just kept saying stuff like "uh-huh," "not too bad," and "yup" in a complete monotone. It was probably the most uncomfortable experience of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 987

You deserved it 7 229

04/06/2011 16:41

Today, I had the misfortune of being left alone with my dad. He took it as an opportunity to tell me in detail all about his recent vasectomy, and the complications the surgeon had due to the scar tissue on my dad's testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 471

You deserved it 2 865

I am very hungry

By I'mSoHungry - 11/01/2020 08:00

Today, a bird flew into the workshop where I work, gave itself a tour of the place, then promptly pooped on my lunch and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 272

You deserved it 178

30/04/2019 16:00

Today, I had to quit my job. Why? Because I don't have a babysitter anymore. All I did was tell them I didn't want them mocking my baby when he cries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 021

You deserved it 303

18/09/2012 04:35

Today, I received the heels I'll be wearing at my best friend's wedding. The bride ordered them for us to match the dresses. They're six-inch platform heels. I have three broken toes and am still wearing a boot. The wedding is next weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 291

You deserved it 2 071

Nose to the grind

By Over-employed - 23/08/2021 20:01

Today, my wife was lucky not to get fired from her part-time job for doing nothing since we went into lockdown 8 weeks ago. To celebrate this, she has downed two bottles of red wine and watched an entire season of Virgin River. Guess I’ll have to find a third job to make up the income when the inevitable happens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 82

09/03/2009 08:25

Today, I was with my family at a buffet getting dessert. As I had my chocolate cake in hand, I grabbed an extra slice of cheesecake for my mom because I knew she would like a slice. Upon returning to my table, a couple walking behind me commented, "See, that's why Americans are so obese." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 902

You deserved it 9 128

01/01/2015 23:03

Today, I gave feedback on how the store is run at the owners' request, because they don't understand why everyone keeps quitting. I guess they took it personally, because they asked me not to come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 480

You deserved it 2 811

01/02/2012 07:11

Spicy

Today, I had to sit my 13-year-old son down and explain to him that I'd noticed that his pajamas feel a little "crispy" when I pick them up to do the laundry, and ask if he could start using tissues when having some "alone time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 867

You deserved it 6 285

Don't know, don't care

By All a hoax - 25/10/2020 20:05

Today, my boss still won't believe in climate change, and won't do anything to reduce our carbon footprint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 830

You deserved it 434

14/08/2014 03:46

Today, I was chatting with the cute new receptionist at the gym. I told her that I would be going there more if she was there. She looked me up and down and said that I should go regardless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 303

You deserved it 15 792

24/04/2017 12:00

Today, one hour before bedtime on the last day of the school holidays, my kids informed me that they need art smocks for school. They have no idea why I'm frustrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 536

You deserved it 332

03/06/2012 14:47

Today, I decided to be healthy and go for a run. I broke my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 327

You deserved it 4 080

28/04/2014 13:35

Today, at work, I served a group of three teens. Their tab was $75 and they tipped me nothing. They wrote a thank you on a piece of receipt paper, put it in a glass of water and used a coaster to turn the glass of water upside down on the table, spilling water everywhere. They also stole my pen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 966

You deserved it 4 409

14/07/2012 20:10

Today, my dad was making coffee for the family. Half-way through, he excused himself to the bathroom, so for a laugh, I discreetly poured a load of salt into his drink. When he served us, I drank a mouthful and doubled over hacking. My dad barked, "I wasn't born yesterday, son." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 160

You deserved it 54 525

02/07/2009 09:15

Spicy

Today, I was watching a movie with my parents. They were both on the bed, and I was lying on the floor next to their bed. Halfway through the movie, apparently forgetting that I was in the room, my parents started getting friendly. Three feet away from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 583

You deserved it 4 823

Too trusting

By Anonymous - 25/09/2021 20:00

Today, I made the major mistake of trusting a fart during a job interview. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 449

You deserved it 879

Last trip

By cap - 09/12/2019 01:00

Today, I had sex with my wife only to be told that the sex was horrible and to be given divorce papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 150

You deserved it 283

I've seen things…

By chantelle - 12/03/2021 21:01

Spicy

Today, I woke up early and went into the kitchen to get a Monster, and my dad was getting head from his girlfriend with no pants on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 219

You deserved it 181

11/01/2012 17:02

Today, I finally managed to get through to the radio station that I always listen to. I handed the phone to my dad so he could win the prize for me, because I'm under 18. He hung up because he thought it was a prank call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 230

You deserved it 4 574

14/12/2015 07:29

Today, my girlfriend tells me she missed her period this month. I felt excited until she said, "I will let you know the results of the paternity test." I was not aware we needed a paternity test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 090

You deserved it 2 606

TFI Friday

By Anonymous - 24/05/2019 16:00

Today, I started a new job. The hours are long, but I didn't mind as I could REALLY use the overtime. Turns out, they don't pay over time. I'm just expected to go "above and beyond for the company." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 445

You deserved it 238

12/08/2009 22:43

Today, I was at the store when I saw that a cart in the checkout line next to me was starting to roll away and the owner hadn't noticed. I tried to help by reaching out to stop the cart from moving, but when the owner saw me with the cart, she began to hit me for trying to steal her purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 674

You deserved it 3 231

27/10/2015 20:16

Today, I called a doctor's office for a referral. I was in public, so when she asked me what type of issue I had, I mumbled that I had a vaginal issue. After painstakingly having to repeat this several times, she said she was asking what kind of insurance I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 707

You deserved it 4 412

25/11/2010 14:48

Today, I woke up on the top bunk of my bed with the birds chirping. I felt so energized, I gave a big stretch, and my hand hit the ceiling. I accidentally pushed the ceiling board up and lots of tiny spiders fell on me and my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 511

You deserved it 4 296

10/02/2015 04:12

Today, in an attempt to potty train my 2-year-old, I sat her on the toilet and waited for several minutes. I finally gave up and lifted her off the toilet just in time for her to pee on my new shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 826

You deserved it 5 817

04/02/2009 00:11

Today, I realized that I know more about Paris Hilton's cervix than how my government is run. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 463

You deserved it 40 564

15/03/2019 16:00

Today, a co-worker who lives 30 minutes out of my way had broken down so I picked him up. We were both 5 minutes late and both got fired. Our department takes 30-60 minutes to even start running. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 284

You deserved it 146

12/05/2012 16:01

Today, a pigeon got into my apartment. After knocking over a very expensive vase, it panicked, rammed itself against a window, and shat all over the floor as it tried to get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 172

You deserved it 2 137

17/03/2009 23:06

Today, our school had tryouts for chorus. Everybody sang a snippet of the song together until the teacher stopped us, saying it sounded awful. He singled me out and told me to sing alone. After I sang the part, he said, "Son, your gift to God will be silence." FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 665

You deserved it 7 754

23/01/2010 06:34

Today, I made a Facebook under a guy's name and I'm sending myself wall posts just so it looks like I actually talk to a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 036

You deserved it 45 312

13/11/2015 15:51

Today, I opened up to my best friend about my depression. Her response: "If you're so depressed, why don't you just kill yourself?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 091

You deserved it 2 196

23/04/2016 17:33

Today, the firm I work at informed all the employees about our annual staff trip. So, we're going to a tomato festival and everything is already planned and booked. I'm allergic to tomatoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 344

You deserved it 1 342

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Thursday 10 September 2009 20:07

Ouch... but if its your house how do you not know what kind of bugs there are?

magiczipperman 0

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Thursday 10 September 2009 20:06

that was smart.

Comments

magiczipperman 0

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Thursday 10 September 2009 20:06

that was smart.

justdancebbyx3 7

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Thursday 10 September 2009 21:41

What are you, three? YDI.

NinjaHarryPotter 0

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Thursday 10 September 2009 22:08

yay this is my first comment! i want to thank everyone who helped me get this far and thank you all for reading this, my very very first comment on FML!! thank every single one of you!! what an honor! cookies for everyone!!!

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Thursday 10 September 2009 23:06

Yay, Woohoo! Tell someone who cares

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Friday 11 September 2009 0:07

I'll I have to ask is , why?

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Friday 11 September 2009 1:00

#45 there's a difference, most MLIAers aren't so...wow. And besides, they have a thing against FML. The only similarity I see is the name 'NinjaHarryPotter', - otherwise, I have yet to see a MLIAer who acts like that. They're usually a nice, witty bunch in a way that's different from FML's witty bunch. Maybe its the nice.

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Friday 11 September 2009 1:37

the funny thing is that he is proud of his comment... but that's what the comment is, about his comment with no comment in it. it's a waste of space lol XD

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Sunday 31 January 2010 10:56

yeh, you'll find that most people who use this site are real assholes. don't worry, you'll get used to it.

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Thursday 7 October 2010 0:20

dude no one cares

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Tuesday 27 August 2013 6:49

29- want a gold sticker? No one cares. Don't act like we should be so blessed to be graced with you small annoying presence.

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Thursday 10 September 2009 20:07

Ouch... but if its your house how do you not know what kind of bugs there are?

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Thursday 10 September 2009 20:34

and she said she used to do it as a kid. sounds like she forgot how to tell the difference between the dragonflies and wasps.

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Thursday 25 March 2010 22:31

they probably just showed up like a random nest just spears an you don't know you dumb ass

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Saturday 24 April 2010 23:42

stupid fucking bitch

girlygirl_tomboy 0

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Thursday 24 June 2010 17:13

seems fake to me

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Thursday 10 September 2009 20:12

LOL.

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Thursday 10 September 2009 20:15

Dragonfly's are carnivorous. :D Damn, I missed first by a few seconds of pissing. >.

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Thursday 10 September 2009 20:18

YDI for being an idiot.

KaySL 24

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Thursday 10 September 2009 20:23

Sounds like Plexico's sex life...

KaySL 24

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Thursday 10 September 2009 20:56

It was the getting teabagged at the time of noticing some dragonflies with fine asses, followed by getting stung on the cock at the moment of entry. Which is close enough >.>

KaySL 24

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Thursday 10 September 2009 21:23

Quite frankly, I'd be more concerned with finding Plexico's even more elusive micro-cock, if you know what I'm saying, WINK WINK. But yes, err... fucking harlots!

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Thursday 10 September 2009 21:33

Lol I see someone got the opportunity to find out about that ;) Btw that first comment was funny mercy, I lolled haha __________________________ www,myspace.com/rapid99

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Thursday 10 September 2009 20:23

Every FML has to start with "Today." This could have happened a while ago.

toink 0

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Thursday 10 September 2009 20:44

Yay! Here's where I say: Toink!

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Friday 11 September 2009 1:04

Lol @OP YDefinitelyDI

justmyluck1212 0

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Thursday 10 September 2009 20:45

lol my mum used to do that as a kid

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Thursday 10 September 2009 20:48

you couldnt tell the difference?