Today, I was going to set up my air conditioner in the window.... - FML

By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 17:51 - United States - State College

Today, I was going to set up my air conditioner in the window. As I opened up the window, I must have disturbed a wasp nest, because a dozen wasps flew in and several of them stung me. The rest are now somewhere in my house with my terrified girlfriend. FML

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Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Nice neighborhood

You snooze, you lose

By Screwupify - 6/8/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, while eating at a restaurant, I commented to the waiter about how large the pizza was. He then writes down his number, pats his crotch fondly, and informs me that "everything" I'm going to find at that restaurant is going to be big. He was serious. FML

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By Yeahyeahyeah - 2/6/2016 02:11 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, while at a family gathering, my teenage sister-in-law felt the need to loudly point out, several times, that her selfie got more 'likes' than my pregnancy announcement. FML

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By desperate905 - 21/2/2012 08:10 - Netherlands

Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2016 00:04

Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML

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By betchyo - 1/10/2009 06:10 - United States

Today, I was talking to my best friend. After admitting to me that he's gay, I gave him a hug for support and comfort, feeling his erection on my upper thigh. FML

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By weirded out - 11/8/2014 02:22 - United States - Brentwood

Today, I saw a customer at the restaurant I work at lovingly petting his cheeseburger and whispering sweet promises to it. FML

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By ams - 13/3/2010 01:23 - United States

Today, I was telling my sister about the stupid sorts of questions I get asked at work. She looked at me and said "I give you five years until you turn into a raging, chain-smoking corporate bitch." My mom agreed. FML

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By pleasestop - 1/5/2014 02:13 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, the family in the apartment next to me decided to give their 4-year-old kid a recorder. It's been three hours. Kill me. FML

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By Burning Love - 15/3/2014 07:35 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I went on a date. As I hugged him, I felt tingles. As a big believer in clichés, I thought it was the tingles of falling in love. Turns out, it was my allergic reaction to his cologne. I now look like I burned my face. FML

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By period pains - 22/8/2015 10:47 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, my period started again. I just finished a 17-day period 3 days ago. FML

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By 2classicNot2 - 9/4/2011 07:52 - United States

Today, feeling social, I went to a bar. During a trip to the dimly lit restroom, I fixed my makeup, and carefully penciling my sparse eyebrows. After an evening of meeting new people, I went home. In my well-lighted restroom, I discovered that my eyebrow pencil was actually my bright red lip liner. FML

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By Savannah - 7/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Spring Hill

Today, I went to the doctor for a suspicious lump under my armpit, so he suggested a breast examination. While pressing all over them he said : "We're gonna have to send you for an X-ray because you have the most lumpy breasts I've ever felt in my life." FML

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By whitey - 9/1/2011 11:11 - Australia

Today, I went to the beach. After applying sunscreen liberally and doing my best to stay out of the sun, I came home with the worst sunburn I have ever had. I almost needed to go to the hospital. I am officially too pale to be allowed outside in summer. FML

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By Why Is It Always Me - 21/2/2017 12:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, during an interview, I was given a list of items and asked which items I would take to a deserted island. When I chose a Bible, the interviewer asked why. I replied, "So I can burn it." What I meant to say was, "So I can use it to start a fire if the trees on the island bear fruit." FML

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By turnmyphoneoff - 24/9/2019 00:01

The Phone Call

Today, I got a drunken call from my boyfriend, which consisted of him telling me that he, "does man things like fuck bitches and roll with hoes," and that I've been, "trying to turn him into a half-ass girly man," but, "that shit ain't right." Then he threw up. FML

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By Ihatemyjob - 18/3/2013 03:14 - United States - Vermilion

Today, at work, I walked in on a disoriented elderly woman eating nachos and cheese off the bathroom floor. She wasn't wearing any pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2010 22:47 - United States

Today, I spent the entire day at school being called Meg. My name isn't Meg, so I started to get really annoyed and confused. Later, I found out it was because I look like Meg from the show Family Guy. She's known for being unpopular, unwanted, ugly, and stupid. FML

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By Coeurdencre - 6/6/2016 03:33

Today, my best friend, who reckons I'm doing a terrible job at finding a boyfriend, has started giving out my number to all the men she thinks "look trustworthy" in the subway. FML

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By BirdBrain - 14/12/2017 19:00

Today, I discovered that I don't have a college fund. My mother stole the money when she divorced my dad and he never bothered to tell me. Now he's offered to pay my tuition if I go to a military academy. If I don't take the offer, he wants me to move out by next Friday. FML

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By smallmediumatlrg - 25/6/2009 19:17 - United States

Today, I went to a yard sale and found a cute plush duck. I sent a pic of it to my friend with the message "Jackpot!" I guess she didn't see the pic because she called me up all excited, thinking my boyfriend of 6 years finally proposed to me. "No, I said, I just found a big duck for $1." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 02:49 - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time. Just as she took her shirt off, her phone rang. It was her mom demanding she return home. Now I've been cockblocked, and my girlfriend's mom seems to be a god damn clairvoyant. Awesome. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I had a consultation for an upcoming surgery I need done. The doctor (very handsome and in his late twenties) asked me to flex my stomach and act like I was trying to use the bathroom. As I was enjoying him touching my stomach, I fart. FML

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By Savannah - 1/8/2011 21:20 - United States

Today, my dad confessed that the only reason I'm alive today is because he couldn't afford to pay for an abortion. He couldn't afford it because he'd splashed out on brand new furniture at IKEA shortly before discovering my mom was pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 21:59 - United States - Elmwood Park

Today, I was at a diner with friends when we decided to put our phones in the middle of the table on the basis that whoever looks at theirs first has to pay. It was going well, until someone rushed up behind me, slammed my face into the table and ran out with our 4 phones. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 17:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I looked deep into my wife's eyes and told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. Her reply was, "Clean your glasses." FML

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By mylove - 1/5/2009 02:50 - United States

Today, my daughter said "I love you mom", to me for the first time I can remember. She is 16 years old. She said it because I bought her first thong. FML

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By HolyRavioli - 21/3/2016 17:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I sat at work for 8 hours daydreaming about the homemade 4 cheese ravioli I would come home to after spending 3 hours making it from scratch the night before. When I finally got home and heated the ravioli, I dropped it all over my feet, giving me second degree burns. FML

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By Whybother - 20/9/2016 08:13 - United States - Hilo

Today, I'm jobless and picked up transcription work online. I typed furiously all day. I have made a grand total of $2.06. FML

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By Nearly blind - 7/10/2018 17:30

Today, I forgot my contact solution and used my sister's. When I put them in, my eyes burnt like hell. Apparently my sister has a new solution that is acidic and only gets neutralized after 12 hours in a special container. The warning is on the INSIDE of the bottle label. FML

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By SpiderMan - 12/3/2009 00:23 - United States

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

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By Sith Dad - 5/9/2018 15:00

Today, I accompanied my daughter to her classmate's Disney Princess themed birthday party. Minutes in, the celebrant's mother kindly asked us to leave because my daughter was ruining the theme. How? She dressed up as Princess Leia. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2012 01:37 - United States - Solon Springs

Today, a customer punched me in the face for repeating their order back to them because they thought I was making fun of their speech impediment. I have the same speech impediment. FML

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By anonymous - 22/11/2009 20:23 - United States

Today, I got a text from a woman containing many naked pictures of her. Apparently she meant to send those to her boyfriend whose number is one digit from mine. The bad part? My girlfriend was using my phone when I received that message. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2017 01:30

Today, my girlfriend was in the midst of giving me head when she got lockjaw. My dick was stuck inside her mouth as she bit down on it for over an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2009 09:04 - Australia

Today, as a respected artist I was running a workshop with a bunch of rowdy college kids. I was in the middle of demonstrating a painting technique when I accidentally washed my paintbrush in my coffee instead of my paint water. They waited until I then drank from it to burst out in hysterics. FML

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By don't pray, PAY - 23/3/2017 20:00

Today, I attended a Buddhist prayer service for my religion and philosophy course. When the service was over, everyone stood up. Unfortunately, my legs and feet had fallen asleep so much that I lost balance and tackled a monk into the shrine. I'm expected to pay for injuries and damages. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 03:09 - United States

Today, I went to the OBGYN for my annual, and noticed they now supplied babywipes. After 3 seconds of "cleaning", the intense burning started. Turns out they were antibacterial bleach wipes. FML

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By married and hates - 19/12/2010 18:51 - United States

Today, I got a call from an ex, demanding to know why my Facebook relationship status was set as married. I got married a few months ago, and I quietly explained this to her. My wife overheard and now thinks I've been cheating all along. FML

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By "Gvinson36" - 6/9/2017 01:30

Today, as they were being dropped off, I was informed that I'll be taking care of my grandparents' two cats. My apartment complex doesn't allow pets. FML

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By Joy - 16/6/2010 14:42 - Denmark

Today, we had guests coming over. My dad wanted me to make some bacon, but I refused because I'm a vegetarian, and don't like to touch meat. His response? 'Good joke honey, now make the bacon.' FML

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Top comments

By jojimugo | 20

#5554025 - Thursday 27 June 2013 0:05

Run... Forget your girlfriend she has already been compromised

By ksktwin84 | 14

#5554026 - Thursday 27 June 2013 0:06

Did you run out and leave her in there in order to post on FML? Go rescue her!

Comments

By eyepuppy | 31

#5554022 - Thursday 27 June 2013 0:04

Wow. That sucks man.

Reply

imaginaryvoice | 18

#5554027 - Thursday 27 June 2013 0:06

They're just flying around the house and your girlfriend just accepted it? Why the hell is she still in there?

Reply

PulseShock | 9

#5554064 - Thursday 27 June 2013 0:20

Wow, they have a button for that man.

Reply

joefrazier | 20

#5554327 - Thursday 27 June 2013 3:11

Yeah, no shit.

Reply

thatgirlkat | 9

#5554488 - Thursday 27 June 2013 6:19

That'd bee a bit of a problem.

Reply

Sinistra_Blue | 12

#5554519 - Thursday 27 June 2013 6:55

Hey #60, thats offensive, wasp your language!

By jojimugo | 20

#5554025 - Thursday 27 June 2013 0:05

Run... Forget your girlfriend she has already been compromised

By ksktwin84 | 14

#5554026 - Thursday 27 June 2013 0:06

Did you run out and leave her in there in order to post on FML? Go rescue her!

Reply

KiddoKS | 19

#5554241 - Thursday 27 June 2013 2:02

Today my boyfriend let a bunch of wasps in the house and the ran out like a little girl, leaving me to take care of the situation. FML ---OPs girlfriend

By cuppycakeslove | 20

#5554028 - Thursday 27 June 2013 0:06

Fumigate your house...those things are evil.

Reply

Pesticides | 19

#5554200 - Thursday 27 June 2013 1:37

forget fumigating, burn the house down, and find a new life where they won't find you.

Reply

AngrySailor | 17

#5554379 - Thursday 27 June 2013 4:31

7- earlier it was cats are evil, now wasps. Must you hate all things?

45- your comment vs your username. Is arson really necessary?

Reply

cuppycakeslove | 20

#5554419 - Thursday 27 June 2013 5:05

#66 but cats and wasps are evil! now puppies on the other hand are lovable and adorable :)

By deadhead419 | 15

#5554029 - Thursday 27 June 2013 0:06

Something similar once happened to me with a fence post

By maddyrooster | 9

#5554030 - Thursday 27 June 2013 0:07

That stings man.

Reply

Damian95 | 16

#5554213 - Thursday 27 June 2013 1:43

See if #1 wouldve put that he wouldn't be in such a boat! Or such a hornets nest I should say.

By Haannahhh | 10

#5554031 - Thursday 27 June 2013 0:07

same with my dad! except he knew about the wasps so he removed the nest before removing the screen and the placing ac.

Reply

NicaLovesDisney | 17

#5554193 - Thursday 27 June 2013 1:32

Then how is it the same thing?

Reply

cuppycakeslove | 20

#5554198 - Thursday 27 June 2013 1:36

Yeah, really not the same.

Reply

VeganVampyre | 26

#5554360 - Thursday 27 June 2013 4:19

Well... There were wasps... And a window... And... No, that's really it. Not the same at all.

Reply

makynen86 | 9

#6240020 - Sunday 22 March 2015 15:54

Not the same thing at all lol

By jonahhill | 5

#5554034 - Thursday 27 June 2013 0:09

fuck you

By Colorguardlife_t | 14

#5554041 - Thursday 27 June 2013 0:13

Man up and get them out of your house!

Reply

golden_warrior | 23

#5554048 - Thursday 27 June 2013 0:17

What happend to equality? Is that mumbo jumbo just for the good stuff?

Reply

Pesticides | 19

#5554204 - Thursday 27 June 2013 1:38

yeah! op, woman up and burn the house down!

By titibug823 | 11

#5554044 - Thursday 27 June 2013 0:14

Get out, call an exterminator, get some wasp/bee killer.