Today, I was riding my bike with my parents. They make me wear...

By dinosawerr - 5/5/2009 12:42 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike with my parents. They make me wear a helmet when I'm with them. Some college age kids drove past and yelled, "Nice helmet!" My mother then told me, "They like you!" I'm sixteen and my helmet is blue. With flowers. FML

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Miscellaneous

Basic Instinct

Keep the peace

Time for the ER

By Flattie - 14/9/2017 04:30

Today, I finally measured myself to find a properly fitted bra. I'm AAA, a size which doesn't technically exist. Goodbye self esteem. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 09:18 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. When I got there, the lady interviewing me shook my hand and said, 'Hello, I'm gay.' I found this strange and I didn't know what to say, so I stated, 'Aw, it's OK, I support you.' She looked pretty offended, and I realized why when I found out that her name was Gaye. FML

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By Muffinhater - 24/12/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, I awoke at 5am to the smell of smoke and the sound of sirens. It seems the whole Santa Monica Fire Department had made it outside our apartment complex. We had to wake up every single person on our floor. What for? An old lady burned a muffin. FML

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By cstokes - 5/5/2011 04:44 - United States

Today, at work, I was supposed to have an easy two-hour shift, after which I was planning on attending a party that had been arranged to celebrate my graduation. Nearly six hours later, I am just getting home after being super busy and shorthanded at work for hours. I missed my own party. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2010 05:52 - United States

Today, I was working at my job as a cashier, checking out an elderly woman's groceries. She was very nice, and we chatted for a couple minutes. Once she had paid, she leaned close to me and said, very politely, "I'm so so sorry that I mistook you for a girl at first, young man." I AM a girl. FML

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By sammy18f - 24/2/2015 03:46 - United States - Brentwood

Today, a man asked me for directions outside of a local store. After about five minutes into the conversation, I noticed he had whipped his penis out and was stroking it. He then asked me if I liked what I saw. FML

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By LawStudent - 19/9/2012 14:54 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I was excited to get my first writing assignment since starting law school. I found out that I have to write a paper defending free speech. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have to defend the Westboro Baptist Church and if I weren't a former Marine. FML

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By mosaicevolution - 3/1/2015 04:04 - United States - Decatur

Today, after finishing my second glass of wine, I walked out of the bathroom and saw the tag on my hair dryer from last year's rehab visit. FML

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By Danny - 7/1/2012 10:27 - Australia

Today, my mother came home from the grocery store with a 20kg bag of carrots, and nothing else. She then informed me that, for as long as my girlfriend and I keep 'going at it like rabbits', she would be feeding me like one. FML

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By Lee - 21/6/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, we spread my uncle's ashes at my grandparent's house. We were on a hill overlooking a sunset. It was a beautiful ceremony... until the winds changed direction. Our whole family wound up covered in my Uncle. He's still stuck in my hair. FML

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By Jack - 10/1/2016 02:07 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, after dating my girlfriend for a while, I had a realization. She often says things like, "You're my favorite!" and scratches my beard, which I appreciated affectionately. Upon meeting her pets, it dawned on me that I am just another one of her cats. FML

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By Syd - 21/12/2012 16:00 - United States - Plano

Today, I looked at my neighbor's empty lawn; he's an old guy and he usually has the best Christmas lights. We knew he might not be able to do them this year, so I felt bad and I did them for him. Later, a neighbor asked about them and I told her that I helped out. She said, "You do know he died, right?" FML

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By joedoe - 18/7/2009 06:03 - United States

Today, after a night of partying, I woke up in the middle of my co-ed dorm lobby to the sound of giggles. I was in a thong with $1 monopoly bills sticking out. I'm a guy. FML

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By chunkymonkey - 24/8/2012 13:53 - United States

Today, my boyfriend actually held onto my love handles while we were having sex. He said they "made it easier." FML

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By altocrm - 24/10/2010 04:11 - France

Today, my girlfriend came over to me, like she was going to kiss me, and instead rubbed her chin all over my face, exclaiming, "Can you feel my beard coming in?" Yes, yes I could. FML

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By barf - 6/2/2015 23:00 - Ireland

Today, I experienced the horror of walking in on my best friend fondling his tits. Yes, "his". FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2017 06:00

Today, while fingering my girlfriend in the dark, I tried to be sexy and licked my fingers. After we turned the lights back on, we realized that her period had come early. FML

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By whatnow - 1/4/2012 02:52 - United States - Carmel

Today, I fell asleep on the couch while babysitting. When the kids' parents came home, they made fake crying noises to see if I would wake up. I slept like a baby, and by the time they finally roused me, I'd left a nice drool stain on the armrest. FML

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By no - 11/9/2014 01:47 - United States - Worcester

Today, someone in my class referred to the September 11th attacks as "Nine-Elevs". FML

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By rubber_duckie177 - 24/9/2009 11:25 - United States

Today, my sisters and I were throwing my mom a birthday party. Since I'm not good at baking, I ordered her a really nice and expensive cake. As my daughter and I were headed out the door, she told me she had added some sprinkles to make it pretty. It was the silica beads from a package. FML

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By aoliver03 - 11/9/2018 18:30

Today, I spilled my guts out to my fiancé about some insecurities I've been having. I then turned to look at him through tears at his expressionless face as he texted someone. FML

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By disgusteddaughter - 13/6/2011 08:58 - Australia

Today, my mum's boyfriend came back from a job up-state. He is now walking around the house in boxers to "show off his tan". He has a beer gut and a hairy back. FML

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By jacey chreyest - 14/2/2014 21:57 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I married the love of my life. I was ecstatic until the wedding reception, where my new husband got drunk and started crying about how he'd been "forced" into marrying me. FML

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By wispywee - 29/6/2011 17:47 - Canada

Today, I had the most exciting dream of my life. I was dreaming about catching a shiny charmander. I'm 15, and instead of dreaming of girls, I'm dreaming of Pokémon. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I had an important powerpoint presentation for ALL the big execs at work. It seems that during my lunch break, my boyfriend IMed me on my mac saying "Feeling so horny right now, come home for a quicky like last week?" I didn't see it until the presentation. So did the executives. FML

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By Kingofbosses - 22/8/2013 05:31 - United States

Today, I moved into my university dorm a week before classes start. Everyone kept giving me weird looks as they watched me move my stuff in. Finally, one of my dorm mates asked me if I knew that school had actually started last week. I didn't. FML

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By hwood - 9/9/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, my Grandmother was sent to the ER. My family blamed it on her being allergic to my cats, making me feel guilty. She just called me to tell me the test results informed her that she is actually allergic to the carrot cake they got her. I gave my cats away 15 minutes ago to a little girl. FML

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By frownyface - 14/1/2012 17:32 - United States

Today, my family and I were burning our Christmas tree. For a laugh, my dad jokingly pushed me toward the fire. I tripped, and my doctor says the burns are probably going to scar. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 07:04 - United States

Today, I was at a house delivering pizza. As I walked away, I heard the mom mutter to her child, "That's why you go to college." FML

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By bonnmo - 11/11/2018 11:30 - United States

Today, I took a big, smelly, satisfying dump when I woke up. When I tried to flush, nothing happened. None of my four roommates bothered to tell me we didn’t have running water. FML

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By jynxisadouchebag - 27/2/2015 00:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was doing laundry, so I decided to wash my cat's blanket. He chased me down the stairs into the basement, and I slightly closed the door behind me so he wouldn't follow me. He pushed the door shut, which automatically locks. I was trapped down there for 3 hours until my mom came home. FML

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By nic - 1/4/2009 20:06 - United States

Today, for April fools I decided to set off the smoke detectors in my friend's apartment while he was sleeping and saran wrap the outside of his bedroom doorway so he would smack into it. Instead, he jumped out the window and broke his leg. FML

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By dentistvictim - 16/10/2009 07:27 - Norway

Today, I went to the school dentist for the yearly routine check. She took ages trying to clean out my teeth with the metal toothpick-thing, constantly hitting my gums. After half an hour of pain and spitting blood, she looks up and says, laughing: "Oh, I forgot to put my glasses on". FML

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By jenabp - 3/1/2011 18:56 - United States

Today, while changing my clothes, my 3 year old daughter informed me that I looked like a zebra. Noticing my shocked face, she tried comforting me by telling me I was a pretty zebra because I was a purple zebra. She was talking about my stretch marks. FML

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By LonelyAF - 12/8/2017 13:00

Today, I was so lonely I called my stalker ex-boyfriend. He was too busy to talk. FML

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By daddyowl - 25/5/2012 04:32 - Canada - Montreal

Today, after 5 months of unemployment and hardcore job searching, I got hired for my dream job. I called my mum to tell her all about it, to which she responded, "Great honey! Now all you need to do is lose all that weight". She allowed me all of 4 minutes of feeling good about myself. FML

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By Marriedtoajew - 3/1/2018 19:00

True Love

Today, while in the hospital recovering from surgery, I got into a fight with my wife. Apparently, she feels that I shouldn’t have gone to the hospital because “Funerals cost less than surgery.” She brought an extremely detailed spreadsheet to prove it. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2017 01:30

Today, an hour after telling me she wasn't in mood for sex, my girlfriend called me to help her get a cucumber out of her ass. FML

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By Forgetful godmother - 14/3/2019 16:00

Today, I learned that my son’s godmother forgot about the baptism date and booked a family holiday to Italy. Her mother is also on the trip and she is the officiant. I gave them both the date over 6 months ago. Everything is already booked on our side for that date. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2009 08:02 - United States

Today, I found out that the love of my life, who I've been going out with for two weeks only, asked me out because he lost a bet. Apparently I'm the punishment for not being able to eat 10 hot dogs. FML

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Top comments

By autumnshivaree | 0

#172076 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:47

As much as I personally would like a blue helmet with flowers, I understand. I'm a college kid, and I'm willing to risk brain injury than be seen using a helmet on campus.

By mintfreshpinesol | 0

#172083 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:49

At least you are being safe...

I had a friend die because he wasn't wearing a helmet.

your parents are smart.

COMMENTS

By autumnshivaree | 0

#172076 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:47

As much as I personally would like a blue helmet with flowers, I understand. I'm a college kid, and I'm willing to risk brain injury than be seen using a helmet on campus.

hunter989 | 0

#850090 - Saturday 13 February 2010 1:16

I feel the same. Actually I wouldn't even ride a bike with my parents in the first place!

blank314 | 0

#1422912 - Saturday 18 September 2010 15:56

3rd

rhcpalex93 | 0

#1461827 - Monday 27 September 2010 0:40

massive fml

Palirose | 22

#3289889 - Wednesday 14 September 2011 22:24

Actually it's better if you wear a helmet. Much safer. If you are that worried about it. Buy a new helmet. Blue If you want. But minus the flowers.

fleur_de_fevrier_fml | 22

#5878352 - Friday 7 March 2014 15:49

Well you are an idiot who clearly is shallow and immature enough to value looks more than maybe ending up your days in a wheelchair or as a vegetable...

cwl727 | 32

#5890957 - Thursday 20 March 2014 19:26

It is true. It is much safer to wear a helmet. Buy a new one if you don't like the one you have now.

By YLS | 0

#172077 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:48

Why don't you buy yourself a new helmet?

YDI imho.

BlueEyed1019 | 12

#3859385 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 6:17

I think I have the same helmet as OP, lol

By mintfreshpinesol | 0

#172083 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:49

At least you are being safe...

I had a friend die because he wasn't wearing a helmet.

your parents are smart.

blankaex | 0

#900540 - Sunday 28 February 2010 15:40

theyd be smarter if they spent a few extra insignificant dollars to save the embarrasment though

alakomonus | 0

#1796359 - Sunday 5 December 2010 9:39

By alex_vik | 0

#172103 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:52

Buy a helmet you like then.

By Tehalon | 0

#172106 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:52

ROFL!! YDI for wearing a helmet, they look retarded. And YDI even more for not being able to stand up against your parents.

By Hummingbird114 | 0

#172111 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:52

Apparently your mother fails to understand the concept of sarcasm. I'm sorry. FYL.

By ogg25 | 0

#172112 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:53

you deserve that one get a new helmet. I ride my bike all the time and i would not risk my head and possibly never riding again just to try and look cool to other people.

By effyourlife_ | 0

#172113 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:53

i'm too scared to ride without a helmet

By lm_wfc | 0

#172117 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:53

hit them on the head

By musicloverr | 0

#172120 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 22:53

..maybe..they actually liked your helmet..?

yeah, FYL. it doesn't seem like a big deal, but i kinda understand this, i would've been soo embarrassed.