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Please do it

Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went to college. At the store, he got a huge box of condoms. When I asked why he was getting so many, he said they were for the girls he meets at college. He then asked me to steal them for him. FML

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Serious times

Never? NEVER?!

Miss me yet?

By Anonymous - 1/8/2020 14:00

I've been… held up

Today, I was finally able to see my gran for the first time since lockdown. She told me off for not visiting sooner. FML

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By Erbtosis - United States - Seattle

Today, my five year-old had to break the news to me that my husband was leaving me for someone else. FML

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By Sally

Today, I was heading out for lunch, and a co-worker asked me if I would pick up their pizza. I said yes, because, why not? Just as I arrived, they texted to inform me that the pizza was under the name "Anita Luong Duong". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Glasford

Today, at my therapy appointment, I was spilling my guts to my therapist. When I'd finished, to get rid of the awkward silence, I asked, "I'm not crazy, right?" His response was, "That's bit of a loaded question." FML

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By The gay child

Today, a discussion with my father about what to have for lunch turned into a linguistics lesson, then a bible story, followed by religious anti-gay propaganda, and finally a brief discussion on why my brother would make a terrible military dictator. I still haven't gotten anything for lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Werribee

Today, I woke up to my 7 year old son angrily trying to smother me with a pillow. FML

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By zamwow - United States - Ridgefield Park

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Just as he was about to finish, he pulled out and came in his hand. He then flicked his hand towards my face and yelled, "Sha-ZAM!" FML

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By ExtendedVacation - United States

Today, I submitted a vacation request to my manager and it was approved. I came back from lunch and was informed that I have been let go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Kingstown

Today, my psycho girlfriend tried to blackmail me into giving her money, threatening to show everyone the nude pictures I recently sent her. Except the pictures on her phone that she threatened me with weren't even of me. Nice to know I'm also being cheated on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend in his room, wearing his boxers. He told me this story about how one time he had diarrhea when he was stuck in traffic and had not choice but to poop himself. I asked him what prompted this story. He said I was wearing the boxers he pooped in. FML

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By Albert - 26/4/2020 17:00

Useless

Today, I used up the last of my deodorant for a business meeting on Zoom. FML

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By WoofWoof - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months called me. He said his mom was making him choose between having a dog or having a girlfriend. I asked him which one he picked. He was quiet, I heard barking in the background. FML

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By hihaay - United States

Today, while on the bus, I found out the seat I'd taken was the preferred spot of a very hostile and extremely overweight freshman. Instead of letting me find different place to sit, she half sat on me, and completely ignored my attempts to dislodge myself all the way to school. FML

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By P DarklyKira - 18/5/2020 23:00

Bunged up

Today, after weeks of quarantine, I can finally go to the hospital to get my haemorrhoid surgery, which was confirmed. I have a big internal one. I didn't not consult with the same doctor as before, but he didn't even do a check up inside and told me, "You have nothing, go home." I can't shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, after a surprise candlelit dinner and a two bottles of wine for my birthday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a sexy shower together. It ended with us both drunk, naked, and crying, wedged into a small tub together, talking about our dead pets. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I stopped by the gas station. As I was filling up I noticed a cute guy at the pump next to me. When I was done, I gave him a wink before opening my car door. It was locked. I had to call my Dad to bring my spare keys. The guy was laughing the whole time as I waited for my Dad to show up. FML

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By dpap - United States - Waukee

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. The first thing my dad did was comment that given how pretty she looked in our photos, and compared to how she looks in real life, she's amazing at using Photoshop. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Kensington

Today, my mother decided to inform me that she doesn't believe canned food can have an expiry date and that the food is still okay to eat years after the 'supposed' expiry date. She's probably been cooking my dinner with expired food for over 17 years. FML

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By properpissed - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to one of my British friends online, and he told me to say "yew anchors" a few times really fast. I'm a fairly stupid person, and wasn't very focused, so I did as he said. When I finally figured what the words meant, my dad had heard and grounded me for cursing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, while waiting for a bus, someone started smoking at the bus shelter, which is illegal in my city. I politely asked him to stop smoking, citing the city ordinance. He just cackled and said that if I'm so concerned about the state of my health, I should start by losing 90 pounds. FML

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By

Romantic gesture

Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML

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By Phill1188

Today, I got locked in an old woman's garage for an hour when she forgot I was looking at the car for sale. When I got home, I told my mom and jokingly said, "First time I have been kidnapped!" Without hesitation she said, "Well, that makes it the 3rd time." I had no idea. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Depew

Today, I parked my car in the company lot and walked down the street to a mandatory company training. While I was at the training, everyone back at the office decided to leave early and locked the company lot. My car is now stuck there for the night and I'm walking home. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, at the supermarket, my mother stopped in the middle of a lane and imitated a gorilla as a way of asking me from far away if I wanted any bananas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my entire family of five is sharing one roll of toilet paper. My parents refuse to buy any, because my father can get it free from his work. He's forgotten to bring any home every day without fail for the past seven days. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a customer at work made threats against me and my two-month old son. Instead of following policy by notifying the police, my manager apologized to him and told me to leave. FML

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By fml9124

Et tu, Doggo?

Today, as usual, my neighbor's 9 year-old son came over after school. I work from home so he stays until his mom gets home. My dog mopes around the house until 3 p.m., then gets all excited because he has a friend to play with. I'm almost jealous because a dog I've had for 11 years likes him more than me. FML

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By jellyybean - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he didn't believe in marriage. His response was, "I believe in marriage. Just not marriage with you." FML

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By WasFeelingGood - United States

Today, I received the newspaper from my hometown. My ex-husband's wedding announcement and picture were on the front page. His new wife has the same first name as me. All my Facebook friends from high school commented on how much weight I've lost and how good I look in my wedding photo. FML

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By EastOneTen - United States

Today, my four roommates and I contracted lice. While all our heads were slathered in mayonnaise and saran wrap, our building's fire alarm went off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, the kid next to me asked me, in all seriousness, if gay people have feelings like regular people. I'm gay, and I have to sit next to this barnacle until June. FML

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By Anonymous

Stoner Logic

Today, I've been sleeping with my drug dealer from high school who I still buy pot from for the past week. He made me go down on him a few days ago and he smelled funny but I didn't say anything. Today, he told me he only showers 2-3 times a month and he thinks he's a genius for it. FML

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By drivencrazy - United States

Today, while driving, a girl on her cellphone cut me off. A second later, another person behind me on a cellphone rear ended me. Her excuse was, "I'm sorry, you weren't there a minute ago!" FML

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By foxownerapperantly - Netherlands - Hoorn

Today, an old lady in public transport yelled at me and my dog, called me a liar, and threw her grape soda over me because according to her my pet Shiba Inu was actually a fox, and keeping foxes as pets is illegal. FML

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By k.love - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment to surprise him with breakfast only to find that his other girlfriend had beat me to it. FML

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By Sandman2015 - United States - American Fork

Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML

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By Mark Allan - United States - Alexandria

Today, I finally got the guts to text this cute girl at school. I started sending flirtatious texts, only to find out the hard way that she'd given me her boyfriend's number. FML

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By skinny dipper - United States

Today, I was caught skinny dipping by the police. With the arresting officer's daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 10:01 - Croatia - Zagreb

Targeted

Today, the neighbor's dog has been barking for over 5 hours. It is barking directly at my window. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, while arriving to a date for the first time in a couple years, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm only dressed up because I had court today." FML

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Top comments

By MidnaLink | 32

#7877010 - Saturday 25 January 2020 18:36

I hope you walked out of the store while announcing his intentions to both cheat AND steal.

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7877051 - Saturday 25 January 2020 22:33

I hope he's now the ex-boyfriend.

COMMENTS

By MidnaLink | 32

#7877010 - Saturday 25 January 2020 18:36

I hope you walked out of the store while announcing his intentions to both cheat AND steal.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7877036 - Saturday 25 January 2020 21:06

You did it, right?

You don't want him coming back for spring break with STDs, do you?

By thefmlman2011 | 35

#7877048 - Saturday 25 January 2020 22:25

Another repost

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7877051 - Saturday 25 January 2020 22:33

I hope he's now the ex-boyfriend.

By blondie45 | 21

#7877085 - Sunday 26 January 2020 1:36

You need to be a little more fussy in your choice of boyfriends- you deserve better than this!

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7877221 - Sunday 26 January 2020 12:56

Is your boyfriend really going to college as he sounds as dumb as a box of rocks?

By J15237 | 22

#7877549 - Monday 27 January 2020 21:32

I hope at that moment you told him to fuck off and you ended that relationship.

By saffy66 | 34

#7879526 - Tuesday 4 February 2020 6:58

Maybe he didn’t know he was your boyfriend.